[luving_them]

Hello.
My Dh and I and our Bio 6 year old son are going to adopt soon. We are looking for the age range of 0 to 6, male or female. Basically my question is has anyone adopted like this before? I'm sure there are some of you out there of course...but how did your bio child handle it. Ours is absolutly thrilled to get a sibling and has been drawing pictures and making things for him or her. The new child will obvioulsy know you are not the "real parents" so how do you try to transition yourself into being their parent and friend? I know I'm sounding confusing, but it's becuase I am confused. Nothing will stop us from adopting, I know it's not going to be a bed of roses like the movies...but what are your experiances and how did the transition take place from 3 some to 4some?
Brandy

[melon161]

Brandy, I'm assuming that since you are adopting and older child that you are adopting from your state so my advice is to get into their parent prep course (or whatever they call it). The course explains a lot of things including how to transition a family like yours. They are really informative.

Also, your adopted child will be your real child, just not your bilogical child. If he/she's human then he/she's real!

Stacy

[Xanny]

I would be cautious about adopting a child very close in age to your present child. What will you do if they don't get along? If they are competing, will you honestly be able to say you love them equally and do what's best for both of them, even if it is not what your bio son wants? If you adopt an infant or toddler, your two children will not be directly competing, and that will make it easier for you to establish family bonds.

The way you talk about adoption makes me wonder if you have thought it through. For example, your son will not be adopting anybody. You and your spouse will be the parents of this child, your son will be his/her brother. Is your son hoping for a live-in friend? That would be nice, but it is not adoption.

Finally, if you will not consider yourself this child's "real parents," you should not adopt. Adoption means becoming a child's parents, in every way--legally, emotionally, day in and night out--except biologically. A 6-year-old who is in foster care will be hoping and waiting for Forever parents. You will need to establish a loving bond with that child, and you will need to establish order in your household, but you will not need to debate with the child about who are his real parents.

If the reason you want to adopt is because you want to expand your forever family, to bring more love into your home and to help a child grow into a competant, thoughtful, loving adult who will contribute to society, then by all means, go forward with your plans. But please, think it through first and be sure of what you are doing. Because adoption also means one more person in your family to worry about, argue with, and take up closet space.

Best wishes with your decision,

Xanny

[luving_them]

Ok I obviously left some onformation out or no one understood me.
We have thought about adoption for a very long time. Our family is ready to be expanded. I have done the training and am ready and prepared. I never said the child wasn't real. What I said was "Real Parents". Only becuase when my step dad adopted me I used the term your not my REAL dad. Meaning that you don't have control. Which I know I will because I will be that childs REAL parent regardless of who gave birth to them. As for adopting someone close to my sons age....yes, we will have problems. But when isn't there an issue of competivness between siblings? I have 4 sisters and brothers...all adopted....I ALWAYS competed. I was taught though, it's not a matter of whose better or who knows more or who gets more in the end...it's how you show love and support to acknowledge the child w2ants something form you be it love or just flat out attention. I'm not going into this blind. I know what I'm doing...I just wanted some examples of how it was when the child moved into the home. I didn't want it becuase I don't know what to do...I wanted to know just for someone to touch base with.
Brandy

[BeckyS]

Brandy, I don't know how long you've been around lurking before posting - so maybe you've already noticed this - a lot of folks here like to step in to the ultimate educator role -- don't take it personally. A lot gets read in to your questions a lot of the time & words get overanalyzed -- again, don't take it personally. PLEASE understand that I am not directing this specifically to previous posters - I can't say I've never done it - it's just the atmosphere of the board. I would have PM'd instead but wanted lurkers to consider this also. Good luck to you

[melon161]

Brandy, Sorry, I didn't realize that you had been through all the training and everything already. By the sound of your post, I thought you were just starting the whole process but as you said you aren't so all I have to say is good luck and I hope all goes well for your family. I don't have any advice because I haven't been in your situation.

Stacy

[Xanny]

Yes, it is a hazard of the internet that people over-analyze your grammar. It's all we have to go on. However, as a teacher and grammar freak, may I suggest as a solution that we all become better writers so as to say what we mean and mean what we say?


You want an answer to "You're not my real mom!" How about, "Well, I'm the mom you're stuck with. Forever. Clean up your room."

Best wishes,
Xanny

[luving_them]

(giggling) I have told that to my own son. When he tries to get out of cleaning his room he will tell me I'm the best mom he ever had...I tell him I know...cause I'm the only one he's ever gonna get. NOW CLEAN IT ANYWAY...
Thank you for understanding. I didn't have my coffee before my first post so things were still foggy. I'll try to be clearer next time. But thanks anyway ladies!
Brandy

[Sledge]

We adopted a 7 yr old child he is right between our other two bio kids at the time they were 5 and 10. We didn't have any real big issues, the issues we had were getting through the difficult transition of being removed from his bmom and bsiblings (long story). It has been about 1 1/2 years and he has adjusted pretty good overall.

[Mex]

I like this response, that a friend uses. It works for both Bio and Adopted kids.....

"Of all the people in the world, God chose me to be your mom."

[Colorbind love]

The 'real mom' comment is a ploy. A child is only going to use it when it works. Sounds like your Dad let you succeed at alienating him and questioning his authority.

I don't allow that to happen. I start with the knowledge that I am inheriently the mother to ALL of my children, regardless of how they entered this home. Then, I expect obedience (to the best of their ability). We recently adopted a 7 year old. Last week, I overheard him telling his 5 year old sister that he didn't have to obey me because I was not his 'real mother'. I just laughed. I told him if I thought for a second he believed that silliness then I would comment on it. But, we both knew he must obey me just as surely as we both know that I AM his mother, no discussions about it.

As for sibling rivalry. I have 4 children so far, and so far only 1 is adopted. There is no more sibling rivalry between him and his siblings than amongst themselves. The only child who doesn't get involved in any fights is the baby. She's too young and they all spoil her rotten anyway. She has no reason to argue all she has to do is turn on the tears and the older 3 fall all over themselves to give her what she wants (wonder how long that is going to work). And yes, I absolutely treat all of my children equally and fairly. How they entered this home does not influence my expectations of them, nor my direction of their behavior.

The oldest two have had some real struggles for the upper hand recently. Does my daughter think its fair that I treat her equally to her brother? Not really, she'd rather I worship the ground she walks on and correct everyone who gets in her way. But, she wishes I would do that to her 2 brothers equally. To help them with their fighting, I implemented a no-fault policy. Basically, if I catch them fighting, I don't really care the details, they are going to sit on opposite corners of my bed facing each other until they are both ready to move on from the fight and get along. It took 1 day to see results. They are still fighting, but nothing near what they were doing when I started this. I simply wasn't going to play referee between them and I wasn't going to listen to the constant battles. So, I held them both accountable for getting along. And gee, regardless of how they entered this home they are both capable of getting along most of the time.

The other thing I did with our son which was highly recommended by the adoption experts is that I established boundaries on his first day home. For his sake, and the sake of his little siblings, I did not excuse his behavior because he was new. Now, I don't use corporal punishment and feel its very wrong to use on an older adopted child. But, I give all of my children a warning before I redirect their behavior. In his case, I gave him the same warning with an explanation of the rules of the house and the dynamics of how a family works. Then, if he crossed the lines I started with time-ins versus time-outs (basically isolating them from the stimuli but keeping yourself next to them). We practiced time-ins almost exclusively with him until recently. Now that he understands what is expected of him, I find that he responds well to having some space to reflect and rebounds his behavior much better if he is directed somewhere calm for that reflection, rather than a time-in now. Its the same approach I use with his younger sister that usually helps her regain control of herself as well.

Also, I think its very important to remember that you need to establish a bond and attachment with an older child. Its fairly easy with a baby because you are physically touching them all the time to meet their needs. But, an older child could easily have their physical needs met without any human touch or contact. That isn't going to facilitate the attachment in an older child. You need to know how bonding and attachment happens. Then, you need to go out of your way to seek the opportunity to touch and be in close physical contact with your child. Many experts recommend intentionally regressing the child and rocking and possibly even bottle feeding that child for awhile. Co-sleeping is another option to facilitate the close proximity and enhance the bonding. Putting lotion on them, playing games that require eye contact and with them on your lap, etc, etc. Actually, The Weaver's Craft is an excellent book for helping you think about those issues. Its geared towards toddler adoption but can be helpful for older child adoption as well. Adopting the Older Child by Claudia Jewitt is a classic. I found some things outdated but still some excellent information about how to approach an older child adoption. Attaching in Adoption (or something like that) is another excellent book. And, you can search the internet for information about attachment and adoption. I know the older child adoption website is full of resources: olderchildadoption.com
Really, the one thing I can tell you about an older child adoption is to develop a game plan for bonding, family life, discipline, etc before you bring the child home. Then modify your game plan to the specific personality and needs of your child when you get them home. When it comes to older child adoption, I just don't think you can prepare too much. You may find a redundancy in the information. But, it will serve to drive home the important parts long before you begin your trial by fire.