[BeckyS]

I'm curious for opinions on a subject I've been thinking about lately. When we adopted our daughter 2 years ago, we shared the fact that she had 3 bio sibs, that bmom & bdad were going to get married and that they were having a tough time, with family & close friends. We did not/do not see a reason to not share that info as we don't want it to be considered shameful or secret worthy. I have read lots of posts since being on this site that refer to information as belonging to the child & for the child to share if they feel like it when they're older. I've thought long and hard about this & of course agree when it comes to information that would be considered 'personal' whether adopted or not. I'm wondering though why some would withhold basic facts about their childs story. Children in families thru birth do not have this luxury and I'm just not sure why the distinction is required.........I am not discounting anyone's reasons, just wanting to hear them.
thanks

[GreenThumb]

Hi Becky,

I know what you mean. We are open people and are used to telling our families and close friends most everything. I wasn't sure how holding facts would be beneficial.

What changed my mind was when somebody described a cousin of their adopted child saying things at a family reunion that had been heard from the aunt and uncle about the adopted child's bio parents. Did that make any sense? Pretty complicated, sorry.

Imagine learning at the family reunion that your birth mom was raped, almost aborted you and used drugs throughout her pregnancy. Wow! We decided that anything that could possibly traumatize a child, if not heard from us first, would not be shared with anyone. We kept some real secrets on our last match that eventually didn't work out (the match, not the secrets). We realized that if our families knew there had been some drug use by the bmom they would never let go of that and would be watching the child closely for his/her whole life to see "effects."

Things we have shared, that seemed to be fine, are bmom's name, age, interests, special attributes, and why we love her. We also shared a little bit about bdad, as things seemed appropriate. Just realize that you lose control of anything you share. People can say they understand that something is confidential, but what about 5 years later when they're feeling more comfortable and loose?

We have decided to err on the conservative side.

I hope things go well for you!

[BeckyS]

Lucky for us, there is nothing negative to our/her story. She has loving birthparents that are great people. I totally understand the concept of not sharing ultra personal information. Maybe I am reading too far in to what people are saying when they state they are not sharing any info. In my mind, I see someone asking the parent the age of the child's birthmother & the parent saying 'oh, that's daughter's information - she can share with you in the future if she chooses too'. You know what I mean? I certainly wouldn't share facts you mentioned above, just as I wouldn't if it were a birth child of the family. What you relate makes perfect sense to me.

[spaypets]

I'm a strong advocate of not relaying _any_ information about my daughter's birth family--even "positive" information. Quite frankly, the information you see as positive could easily, in the hands of someone less open minded, be turned around into a negative.

It's a matter of privacy. DD's birth parents' marital status, reasons for placement, family status, ages is simply not anyone's business. They have no need to know except to satify their curiosity--my relating it is merely gossip. And, once I tell one person, I have no control on how that information is spread throughout the family or the world at large.

I answer questions generally -- saying things like "India is a poor country." "We do know some things about her background." Anything else is her business and not ours to disseminate.

[redhedded]

Our family and friends, which is a very small and close circle, know a few details about our daughter's birth and her first mother. Otherwise, when strangers ask anything, we say, "why do you ask?" We are a very conspicuous family and we are so proud of how we came together; however, you might be surprised at the liberty that people take to ask personal questions. I think all adoptive families get them, but when you are all very obviously physically different, people can be outrageous. For us, it is about respect, we do not believe that anyone should be privy to our daughter's personal details until she, herself can understand them. Further, we are extremely private people. I had been on these boards more than a year before I opted to share anything personal; when I did it was because I felt comfortable doing so.

[BeckyS]

Wow, just shows how we're all different I guess. I consider myself private with my personal information - however, what each person considers personal, of course, varries greatly. Where you see negatives in sharing information, I see the opposite. Of course, I mean only information that is typically openly shared, no matter the circumstances of the families creation. My family is very close & select friends are included in my description of family - I encourage strong relationships between them & my daughter. For the most part, we're not a 'go ask your Mom' type family. When a child in the family has a question, we consider it suitable for the child to approach whoever they choose (again, not on absolutely every topic but hopefully you get the idea). It would horrify me for my child to get the idea that some simple information that is general knowledge amongst most families, was somehow negative or scary because it was withheld from the trusted people in her life. I am not saying any of this to be disagreeable, only to share how my family is different. My only interest with relation to this topic is to hear stories of how various families navigate this issue. I am not here to persuade, or to be persuaded. Thank you to those who have offered your story so far. I find different perspectives very interesting.

[BeckyS]

Red, I completely agree when the asker is a stranger -- unless of course, they identify themselves as being interested in aspects of adoption because they are pursuing it.....then I may be a little more open than otherwise.

[redhedded]

We get a lot of personal questions about adoption, which is why I always ask, "why do you wish to know." The inquisitor will always, if applicable, state that they are interested in pursuing the path. I will then openly share information about our agency and the process. Specifics are off limits to strangers. I think you made some assumptions from mine and the others' willingness or openness to share information. Actually we are a very open, honest and highly communicative family; in fact, everyone close to me knows that from about 6, I was as important member of our family as my parents, meaning that most all decisions were made democratically or at least discussed with the opportunity to give my input. It probably does not work for everyone, but we had a very unique and bohemian family. Our friends, the close ones, are our family. We also encourage very strong relationships with them, and my daughter has many very close adults who know and love her immensely. We do not keep secrets. This issue, for us, is about being reserved; it is about wanting our daughter to know personal pertinent information about herself before others do. It is a personal choice. Funny, it seems that I described us as somewhat introverted. While we usually prefer a good book to a party, we are very very involved in politics and social issues; we are a visible and open family to those that know us.

I guess I always wonder why a stranger who has no connection to us would be interested in knowing our daughter's first mother's age or other personal information. Why is that relevant? In my experience it is to satisfy their curiosity, which is why I choose not to answer. Anyway, I enjoy that each has a different approach and perspective than we do.

[spaypets]

Hi Becky,

There's a difference between something being private and something being secret. Private things are things like medical histories, marital issues, financial status and the personal history of your child.

There's nothing shameful in keeping details, like one's daughter has siblings or that her bparents weren't married, private--shared with her but not with anyone else unless she is the one doing the sharing. My daughter will be free to share details of her life with whoever she wants, but it's private information that she is free to decide to share or not share.

It would be a secret if we didn't tell her or insisted that she not tell anyone. That would make something seem shameful. But if we told the world (and telling anyone _is_ telling the world) then we've taken away her choice to disclose.

There's another point here, and that is in domestic adoption the birth family also has privacy issues. While bparents don't feel shame about their decision to make an adoption plan, they may not want to share that detail with everyone. Even if your friends and family never meet the bfamily (and they might if your adoption is open), you are telling their business. I imagine that might be difficult for some bfamilies.

[BeckyS]

thank you so much for replying & offering insight to your perspective. I apoligize for making assumptions or appearing to, I truly enjoy hearing everyone's situation & I don't want it to appear that I think it's my place to approve or disapprove - as I know it certainly is not. I am separating totally, the topic of sharing with family versus strangers. I don't think any of my family's business is that of strangers interested only out of nosiness or something of that sort.
So, have you shared with your family general information that you have about your dd's (gorgeous, BTW) birthfamily? Such as siblings, or any physical characteristics or things of that nature?

[spaypets]

We really don't differentiate between telling family and telling anyone else. There is no need to know and they will just repeat the story to someone else -- a friend, another family member etc.

Suddenly people we don't even know will know my DD's story, before she's old enough to understand it.

[BeckyS]

Spay, thanks for your input. I understand what you are saying, I guess it all boils down to personalities, as everything does. I consider my dd's history as belonging to the family, as the family is aware of other member's stories.....Of course we know that my niece has a brother, he is there every day (usually driving us up the wall ) - I don't want my daughter being singled out as the one we can't talk or know anything about. The message that I think would be given to her & to other children (some adults) in the family is that she is the exception - something's wrong there because we can't know any of this stuff........of course there is information that is considered private, I don't go around touting my medical history that my inlaws aren't privy to because they don't really need to know that stuff (nor do they care, I'm sure). I'm talking about things that I consider innocuous - just sheer facts that are neither good or bad - again, just part of the family's story.
If I understand what you are saying, you don't share anything at all?

[spaypets]

Well, obviously they know she was born in India and that she lived most of her life in an orphanage. And they know the name she went by before we adopted her. But that's it--the only person besides my husband who knows her history at all is my mother--for two reasons--first, because I know my mother won't tell anyone and, two because she went with us to India to pick her up, so she learned bits and pieces on the trip.

As far as the circumstances surrounding how she came to be in an orphanage -- no, no one else knows -- they don't have a reason to. That's not to say they'll never know, just that it's up to our daughter to discuss it. We simply say "that's DD's story and she'll decide who to tell." We haven't been pushed further--I suppose if we had, I'd say, "why do you need to know?" The fact is no one needs to know except DD because it's her story.

The only disadvantage is that DD's story is not the story of a typical Indian orphan. Some people may make assumptions--but there's not much I can do about that.

[redhedded]

Becky, we are much like she. No one knows the details of our daughter's birth and story, other than my parents, with whom I am VERY close; it is certain that no personal information would ever leave them. We, like Spay, will certainly share everything with our daughter but want her to have the opportunity to respond how she chooses, knowing full well that her responses will change from childhood to adulthood and on. I have, only in the last few months, shared two private bits of information here on these boards; one, that we do not have an open relationship, and two, that we had no information about our daughter prior to meeting her. In both of these instances this information was relevant to the discussion. I shared the latter because I felt that another prospective parent was really struggling with the fears of the unknown; I hoped that my experience could indicate that there are no guarantees and that I had been there when it was theoretical and believe that sometimes going with your instinct is the best decision that you can make.

I think each of our differences in sharing seems to be consistent with the way we generally share, having nothing to do with adoption. I am very open about my life philosophy and my ideal childhood; I do not, however, share details about my life, my husband's life, my sister, my parent's or my brother in law's life. I, like Spay, believe that sharing details means it is no longer private; that is not my right to share the experiences of others', regardless of their closeness to me. I realized through this exchange that we do not discuss adoption much. I grew up with three very close friends who were adopted and had two girlfriends in high school who became birthmothers; we know many families created through adoption but do not spend much energy talking about that. With my friends we focus on toddler diets, bowel patterns and positive redirection strategies. Later, adoption discussion will probably play a bigger role in our home, but for now, it is really insignificant.

[BeckyS]

funny... the same topics have taken over our lives lately, primarily going on the potty !! We also very rarely discuss any adoption related topics - it just rarely comes up. The information we have shared with family was early on & because they are just primary facts about a person, they are not something that are spoken of often. When they see we've added any new pictures of bfamily to the family album, they always hope things are going well for them because they are considered part of our family. We have only a semi-open situation but would love to see that grow -a bit anyway.

I agree that it relates more to how we are as a person than just specifically adoption. It's funny though as I'm known by most everyone as someone that doesn't repeat personal information about others (ie not a gossiper). Unfortunately for me, a lot of people who want to unburden themselves use that to their advantage. When it comes to information though that doesn't hold any malice, wouldn't be subject to hurt feelings, or wouldn't betray a trust, I am pretty free about it. I think you're right, it may not have much to do with adoption at all (in most cases) & just have more to do with how we share in general.