[cyndi1969]

My 16 year old step-daughter is pregnant and we are encouraging her to consider adoption. She is chating with teen mom's that kept their baby and seems to feel that she needs to do this also. She still has a lot of growing up to do before she is ready to be a parent, and we are hoping that by showing her the other side that it can help her make a more informed decision.

So can anyone tell me how adoption has enriched your life. I am going to try to get her to visit here, and knowing the difference adoption can make (from the parent's perspective) could really help her!

Thanks for your help!!!

[cyndi1969]

So sorry - supposed to be WHY choose adoption - not who!!!

[tobeafamily]

Cyndi,

Well, without being able to adopt, we wouldn't be parents, as biology was against us. Beyond that, being a parent in a fully open integrated adoption has been an amazing experience. Ryan is loved by so many, all of whom want him to have a terrific start in life.

Ryan's bmom was 18 when she became pregnant, so she wasn't much older than your daugther. Being in an open relationship means she spends time with us, shares pictures, special events, etc. Ryan has 9 grandparents between birth and adoptive families, which is very exciting for him. We are all very close.

If you haven't already, I'd suggest you contact Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (google it) as she's a very unbiased adoption educator.

I'm not going to put 'sunshine and roses' around it - making an adoption plan and placing Ryan were very difficult things for Ryan's bparents. What they've told us over and over though is that they love him more than anything and wanted him to have parents who were ready emotionally to raise him well.

HTH, best of luck,

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[cyndi1969]

Thank you! Do you find that open adoption works for you? That is the only type of adoption that she will consider and several people have told me that it is selfish of her to want an open adoption. I disagree. There are (from a selfish grandparent stand point) MANY benefits to an open adoption. Most obviously the additional extended family - all devoted to loving the child.

[melon161]

Don't ever believe that Open Adoption is selfish. Although we don't have any children yet, I am very willing to have an open adoption. The pros greatly outway the cons.

Stacy

[tobeafamily]

It absolutely works for us, and I think they'd say the same. Ryan has his complete history in his life, from a medical standpoint we are aware of any biological history that would impact diagnosis and treatment, and his birth family can see that he's doing well and is thriving.

Now, it's also hard at times, especially where values and lifestyles clash and it's very hard to see the grief that is still there amongst the love and joy. It helps that we all like each other and would've been friends otherwise. Ours is not the norm - most situations aren't as integrated as ours. It's what we and they wanted though. Honestly, I didn't want my child getting tangled up emotionally about who he is and why we're raising him. Open relationships 'demistify' that.

Ultimately, though, your daughter's decision must be about what she wants for herself and for her child. Yes, it's easy to say 'see how these people love their adopted children' but that really shouldn't be a factor. For her, it's a decision to either parent a child or to make a plan with someone else to raise the child.

Is it selfish? I think that can be used to describe both parenting a child and placing. It's not so much about your daughter or paparents as it is about what she wants for her child, and that's way more complex than simple selfish/not selfish.

HTH,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[cindy123456789]

The only time I would be completely against open adoption is if there was potential for harm to the children. Doesn't sound like that in your case. I hope to adopt, and try to keep an open mind. As such, I realize that in an open adoption, I wuld have to be comfortable shareing my child with his or her birth parents. I might want to set the rules, and even have limited visits for the first few weeks until I have adjusted to the fact that I am the parent to this child. The benefits are wonderful, a second full set of family for the child. The problems that face open adoption are similiar to those faced by children in steep familes: problems agreeing on rules in the household, discipline differences, etc. If your daufghter considers open adoption, if there are not any good books for that, I don't know yet, she might consder reading a book on step-parenting and its problems for the non-custodial parent. The adoptive parents might have the same insecyurities, so if they all read the book, and share feedback, it could really help everyone involved. Good luck. She can stay in contact, and when she is more ready to parent in several years, her young children will have an older sibling to teach them the ropes. How kind you are.

[Royalcav1024]

As an adoptee and teenager I can understand why your stepdaughter would want to keep her baby. I have seen some of my fellow classmates choose that option. Personally, I do not feel that any teenager no matter how mature is fully able to raise a child, as we are still children ourselves.

I am an adoptee of a closed adoption. There are many times where for no reason at all I simply become upset. I am in one of these times right now. I feel like there is an empty hole in my heart. My A parents are wonderful people and give me everything in the world that I could ever need and want. Yet, they cannot give me the bond that I lack, which is the maternal bond. I long for this bond. As soon as I turned 18 I started my search for my b mom. That search is ongoing. What I am finding is that while adoption is in my opinion the best option for teen mothers there is a fatal flaw in it for the adoptees. The adoption laws are so tight and hard to break through. Yes, they have gotten better, but not quite open enough yet.

Open-adoption gets around these laws in my opinion and offers a mutually rewarding relationship for both B mom and adoptee. A teen mother is not quite ready to be a mom yet, however she can offer that maternal bond that would otherwise be lacking in her childs life.

Sincerely,

Kristin (adoptee, birthday May 6, 1985; PA)

[LegallyKim]

Cyndi,

I am a birthmom and would like to offer you my advice. Please make sure that your step-daughter is aware of ALL of her options, and the responsibilities that go with those options, so that SHE can make an informed decision. My parents forced me into adoption nearly 16 years ago, it is not a decision I chose nor wanted, and I have had to live with the results MY whole life. I think it is okay to "encourage" your step-daughter towards the decision you feel is right for her, but ultimately, IMHO, I believe the decision should be hers. My parents only wanted what was best for me, and I hold not grudges or ill will toward them, but it wasn't the right decision for me and it wasn't MY decision. That is something that has made my life very difficult at times.

I wanted you to have a birthmom's perspective on this. Adoption very well may be the best route for your step-daughter, and once she is informed, she may choose that route. As a part of a closed adoption, I strongly recommend an open adoption, as I believe research will show you BENEFITS both birthmom and child. Many on this forum will argue that a CLOSED adoption is selfish.

[Cricket8351]

I am going to have to offer a different opinion. Yes, we are hopeful prospective adoptive parents. We can't have children biologically so I want you to know that from the start.

I just don't think it is right to encourage your step-daughter in either direction. I think as a parent you do need to provide her with all the information and all the options...pros & cons.

Ultimately though it is her and the father's decision. It is a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

They have to be sure they can live with it regardless of which path they choose. There are some folks who never ever get over the fact that they placed a child for adoption. Even worse is when they feel they were pressured into the decision. I don't think you want that.

My mother was 17 when she had me and yes it was extremely difficult for her but she kept me. She got married because that is what was expected of her. He was abusive to her and neglectful to me. She made the decision to leave him.

I am not pro- or anti-adoption. I think the decision to place a child for adoption is a personal one. I can't say that it is never the right decision or always the right decision for teen mothers or whatever.

I just would hate to see you talk your step daughter into something that she does not feel in heart is the right thing to do. Young people are impressionable and therefore you could sway her into a decision that you think is best but that does not mean it is...for her.

I don't want to be offensive or disrespectful to you in any way. I just wanted to give you something to think about. She has to live the rest of her life with whatever decision she makes. You don't.

I believe that when teenagers decide they are old enough and adult enough to have sex then they have to make adult decisions. They have to endure the consequences of their actions. By that I mean they have make a decision and live with it.

Sit down with her and look at all the options and the realistic expectations of each option. Make sure that SHE is the one making the decision. If you dont feel you can truly do that without persuading her in one direction or another, then why not seek out counseling for her. Not with an adoption agency but unbiased professional counselor...to help her.

Just my opinion.

T

[katieb31323]

First of all I am so happy to hear that your daughter has choosen life for her little one. Now she is contemplating the difficult decision to parent or not to parent. Tough!!! Especially at age 16. So many things you would like to do in your life and now it will all change regardless of your choice.

Parenting is a tough tough job. It will exhaust you like nothing else can : )! The rewards I have found come in what parenting has taught me. And the sometimes happy smiles I get and the unprompted I love you Mommy, can really make your day.

In todays world it is possible to have an open adoption where you can have as much or as little contact with adoptive parents as you want. Some choose letters and pictures at certain periods every year (usually referred to as semi open) and some have weekly contact and visits...and everything in between.

We have a semi open adoption with two sets of birthparents. We recently opened farther to include visits which have now become even more difficult as first we moved further away (job reasons certainly not birthparent reasons : ) ) and now they have moved as well so it is anyones guess when another visit will occur. Anyway....we are SO glad to have a relationship with our kids' birthparents. They at 5 and 3 can give a preschool version account of their "story" . As the kids grow we know that their relationship with the birthparents will too. They will always know each other. Now we liken the relationship (do to distance) as one we have with a distant cousin we really like.

I hope you consider both options and really research and think how you will feel not just now but in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and really do some soul searching. Perhaps you could find a single mother support group along with a birthmother support group. Good luck to you!

[Support2Adopt]

Cindy,
Yes, you could have your step daughter read this board and walk away knowing how much her baby would be wanted and loved and how happy she would make a couple feel. On the other hand, you could stear her to a Birthmother board and find the pain lf many women who placed when in their hearts, they really didn't to.
Might I suggest that you get her some unbiased counceling so she can look at all of the options and make an informed decision.
JJ

[amom4life]

Hi,
I'm not going to say what I think your daughter should do because that is a decision that she needs to make. I will share though that I became pregnant at the age of fifteen and I kept my baby. Now that we are both older I do wish that I would have made an adoption plan for him.

His father and I were engaged at the time but decided to wait until I finished high school. He was four years older than me. We did go ahead and get married after I became pregnant and it was a diaster to say the least.

My son deserved better than I could give him but for whatever reason I didn't figure this out until he was in his 20's. We had a real rough life and I admit much of it was from foolish decisions that I made. Plus I didn't think so then because of course at fifteen I knew everything but there was No way I was ready to be a parent. I was young, immature, and selfish and it shows in him today, he is the same.

I wish that I would have chosen to let a family parent him who could have given him all he needed emotionally, physically, and materially instead of making him struggle through my crazy life with me. He might not be the messed up young man he is today and I will carry guilt over this for the rest of my life.

Just something to think about.
Judy

[mn125]

Originally posted by Support2Adopt
Cindy,
Yes, you could have your step daughter read this board and walk away knowing how much her baby would be wanted and loved and how happy she would make a couple feel. On the other hand, you could stear her to a Birthmother board and find the pain lf many women who placed when in their hearts, they really didn't to.
Might I suggest that you get her some unbiased counceling so she can look at all of the options and make an informed decision.
JJ

great post support2adopt!!

Please wait until after your grandchild is born to make this life changing decision.

Consider that most agencies offer post adoption services (damage control) to all 3 sides of the triad. But WHY?????

Your daughter may be a temporarily vulnerable mother at 16- but adoption is a lifelong process for everyone"touched".
I have links for financial and educational programs available to help single mothers raise their children, as well as community sponsored classes in parenting skills. I'd be glad to PM them to you.
Regards,

[cyndi1969]

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far! You have all made good points!

Just to clarify, I don't want to imply that we are trying to force her into adoption, just that we are encouraging her to consider it as an option! All of her parents (biological and step) are in agreement that is is absolutely HER decision! However, she is spending a lot of time on teem mom web pages and we think that she needs to also look at all her other options. She doesn't have a realistic view of parenting, and we want her to expend her knowledge of parenting skill and choices.

Knowing that all of you are here - with such good information is truly a blessing to me. Thanks to you all!

Cyndi

Oh and she is seeing a counselor to help her through this!