[LegallyKim]

Originally posted by cyndi1969
Just to clarify, I don't want to imply that we are trying to force her into adoption, just that we are encouraging her to consider it as an option! All of her parents (biological and step) are in agreement that is is absolutely HER decision! However, she is spending a lot of time on teem mom web pages and we think that she needs to also look at all her other options. She doesn't have a realistic view of parenting, and we want her to expend her knowledge of parenting skill and choices.

I may be able to help shed some more light for your step-daughter, as I have done both, placed and kept. When I was 16, I placed a son for adoption, not a decision I got to make, my parents made it. My heart ached terribly for a long time, eventually, the ache dulled, but for me, it was always there. My parents sent me to a maternity home out of state, so very few people back home knew anything about my pregnancy. When I returned home after giving birth and placing my beautiful son for adoption, I did return to a fairly "normal" teenage life - on the outside at least. You are never the same after you give birth, whether you place your child for adoption or keep your child. I finished high school with honors, I went to prom, I was even a homecoming queen candidate. None of that would have been possible if I had kept my baby. Please don't misinterpret that though. Personally, I would have given up all of that to keep my baby - but that is an individual choice everyone has to make. But someone who is looking at keeping vs. placing, needs to understand that you will have to sacrifice all of that should you decide to keep your baby - I did sacrafice that during the time I was pregnant, which was most of my Sophmore year in high school.

More sacrifices were to come for me however, as 3 years later, when I was 19 years old, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, whom I chose to parent. After going through the loss of my son, I knew there was no way I would be able to place a child for adoption again, so I chose to parent her. While I was already through with high school, it was still extremely difficult. I was a single parent (I am horrible at relationships I guess) and I was 19, got pregnant right after high school graduation at 18, turned 19 one month before giving birth. This time, in order to keep my child, I sacrificed a scholarship to college, dating, and it took me two years to be able to get my life situated so that I could go to college. I worked 60 hours a week, Monday through Saturday, and went to school at night. Sundays, were spent with my daughter, there was no time for anything else. My parents were very supportive this time, and their help made things much easier, but it was still really difficult.

So if I were talking one on one with your step-daughter, I would tell her from experience, raising a baby takes a lot of time, dedication and sacrifices. Placing a baby is difficult also and taxes you emotionally. Research all your options, look deep inside yourself, and make the decision that will best for you and your baby. Hugs and Prayers as you make this difficult decision.

[RiverGal]

I have grieved for 30 years over placing my baby who I conceived at 16. Had there been any small act of support on the part of my family, things may have turned out differently. They had "other" plans for my life...college, etc, and I was shunned by them when I attempted to raise my child, all financial help was cut off (even though they were more than financially able to help), and I was left either homeless or in the adoption attorney's office. No, they did not force me, but they saw to it that adoption was the only alternative. College? No, because I was an emotional cripple for the next 2 years. College didn't happen until I was in my 30's.

On the flip side, after getting my life on track, I got married and had 3 more children. My oldest was a cheerleader, honor roll student, and had a great life ahead of her...then she got pregnant and had a child at 16. We pulled through it together. Her daughter (my grandchild) is 12 years old now, and a delight to all of us. She is an excellent student, wonderful person, and when I look at her and the awesome job my daughter has done in raising her, I am very proud.

My daughter had to put a lot on hold in order to be a teenage mother, but I disagree with Royalcav's statement that no teenager is able to raise a child. It's all about the support they are able to glean from folks that love them.

Best wishes in the decision.

Debra

[Free_to_be_me]

When I was pregnant at 17, my parents gave me total control over making my own decision. They never told me what they wanted me to do or what they hoped I would do. They did tell me what they would do. They said if I wanted to have an abortion they would pay for it. If I wanted to parent the child, I could live at home, but they would not raise the child for me. They would be grandma and grandpa, but not mom and dad. They also said if I wanted to make an adoption plan, they would support me in that.

I did a lot of soul searching and tough decision making. I made the best decision for myself, my child and her adoptive parents and extended family. I really can't think of anyone who is not benefiting from my decision. I, personally, have never once wavered about the rightness of my decision.

That being said, it definately was hard. I cried every day for months. Then I cried every other day for more months. I started sleeping with my stuffed animals again (and still do occasionally). I had a tough time with peers because I felt like an old lady on the one hand but a little tiny child on the other. I had dealt with so much more than most people I knew and had gained a lot of life's wisdom, yet was so vulnerable, too.

My healing has been going on for almost nine years, now. My birthdaughter and I have such an amazing relationship. I love her with all my heart and would still do anything for her. I also know that she loves me and that our bond has never been broken. Altered, but not broken.

If adoption is something that your step-daughter thinks will be a good decision for her, help make it possible for her. It can be a fantastic solution to a really difficult situation.

One thing that really helped me when I was making my decision was a book that I read. It is written with pregnant teenagers who are thinking about adoption in mind. It is called "Pregnant? Adoption is an Option" and it is by Jeanne Lindsay Warren. It is a fairly old book (written in the mid to late 80s, I think, maybe '92) but it is an interesting and easy read. It has a lot of personal vignettes and talks about all different options. I really recommend it.

[cyndi1969]

Thanks for the suggestion of the book! I will look for it today!

[alicia hunter]

I would suggest somehow letting her get some experience with kids before she makes a decision. Maybe she could take someone else's kids for a few days.

My daughter's bmom thought she could be a parent, she was 13- much younger than your daughter, and after 10 months the state took her baby away. I think that after that much time and then no contact allowed made things even harder for her. If she had chosen adoption to begin with it could have been open.

[happydaze]

We chose adoption because we wanted to bring more children into our family. We already have two bio children, but felt that someone was missing. We now have two little girls that are sisters who have joined our family. We chose adoption because to us it is just one of the many ways to make a family. I have other family members and friends who are adopted. We were just as excited preparing for these children as we were during pregnancy of our others. We know that they belong with us and we love them because family isn't just defined by blood, but also by love, commitment, and joy. Our children came to us through the state as well so it is a closed adoption. My brothers little girls adoption is an open adoption as far as letters and pictures are exchange. I think thats wonderful and healthy for the kids, so their questions are answered, they have their history, and they know from the beginning they were loved by many people. All I can say is that these children are an immense blessing to our family, and our love for them is just as strong as the love for the ones who "look like us." Best Wishes in Your Difficult Decision

[mommy2three]

Hi Cyndi -

I was adopted at birth by a wonderful two parent family. I'm thankful my bmom made the unshelfish decision to give me the best life possible. I know she had the love to give, but love is not enough!

I realize my bmom made the toughest decision of her life and I am soooooo grateful to her. I can't imagine how my life would have turned out if I was raised by an teen - married or not.

Your daughter is so young and has her entire life ahead of her. I really can't imagine a child raising a child. I feel for you as her mother and admire you for exploring the options.

I totally disagree with some of the postings. I would highly encourage her to go with adoption. I would go as far as having her meet with a few potential parents. Once she sees the people it might ease her mind and comfort her that there are good, loving people dying to have a child of their own. Her time will come to be a mother, but it's not now.

Have you been watching Dr. Phil? If not, I would try to get tapes of the "Dr. Phil" family. It is about a pregnant teen and her decisions. She did decide to keep the baby, but I think there are days she regrets it.

Hopefully this is helpful. If your daughter ever wants to talk directly with me, someone that has been through it, pm me back.

Good luck!

[dl]

cyndi1969: I agree with Support2Adopt and others that suggested unbiased counseling. You didn't mention how old the bioFather is and what role he would play if your stepdaughter kept her child.

I personally am grateful to my bioParents that they had the wisdom to know they were not capable of parenting at the time and loved me enough to want me to have parents that were truly ready to parent.

amom4life's post reminds me of my step-daughter. She was pregnant at 17 and kept her daughter. Her daughter also struggled through her Mother's crazy life with her and it shows in her daughter today.

tnewton8351:

"Ultimately though it is her and the father's decision. It is a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. . . . She has to live the rest of her life with whatever decision she makes. You don't. . . . I believe that when teenagers decide they are old enough and adult enough to have sex then they have to make adult decisions. They have to endure the consequences of their actions. By that I mean they have make a decision and live with it."

Unless this 16 year old and her boyfriend are capable of living on their own and raising a child, it is not accurate to tell their parents "She has to live the rest of her life with whatever decision she makes. You don't. . . ." It will have a huge affect on the families. I agree that at times we have to live with the consequences of actions. I just don't feel that others should have to live with the consequences of my actions not my parents and certainly not an innocent child.

Free_to_be_me:

"I made the best decision for myself, my child and her adoptive parents and extended family. I really can't think of anyone who is not benefiting from my decision. I, personally, have never once wavered about the rightness of my decision."

It's clear that this was extremely painful to you and I just wanted to say I give you so much credit for making a difficult decision. You put the best interest of your child first. So often we only see those that complain that their parents didn't step up and parent their children so they were forced to place for adoption. I personally don't feel it is the responsibility of the parents to take on raising the child. If they want to help ~ as your parents were willing to do, that's great. I just don't feel help/support should be demanded ~ You have money ~ give it to me and then held against the parents if they don't do it.