[HopeIsHere]

New here -- first post. We fly out this week to meet the birthmother who chose our profile. She is in her sixth month. We are SO SO nervous. We worry she will not like us. We do not know whether or not to hide our excitement. Is there certain things we should not say or bring up in conversation? I am sure she is very nervous also. I just can't imagine how this visit will go. Has anyone experienced a visit similar to this one? Any suggestions? This will be our first child.

[Cricket8351]

Congratulations on your match!

I have only spoken to the pbmom's we've been matched with over the phone so I am sorry I can't give you any real life advice.

I can just imagine that she will be just as nervous as you are though. In my non-experienced opinion, I would say just be upfront with her and honest about your nervousness and your excitement. Tell her that you are anxious and not sure of what to say or how to go about this. I think that by being honest with your feelings at the time...it may just put everyone more at ease.

Remember this is probably her first time meeting prospective adoptive parents too!

I wish you the very best.
T

[Support2Adopt]

Most likely, she is just as nervous as you are and is also worried if you will like her.
The most important thing is to be yourself!
If you have pictures of your home, family, favorite places to visit, etc., might I suggest you bring them with you so she has more of an idea of what you are like.
If this is going to be an open adoption, (which it sounds like it will be,) I'd like to suggest giving her some kind of a photo album or scrapbook, if, of course, she would be comfortable with this. Then, any pictures you might take on this trip could be sent to her, along with any future photos.
Good luck on your face to face meeting and please let us know how it goes.
JJ

[Xmansmom]

first of all, congrats on your potential match! how exciting!

I FIRST MET WITH MY SONS BIRTHMOM WHEN SHE WAS 7 MONTHS ALONG. I REMEMBER FEELING LIKE I WANTED TO PASS OUT RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED INTO THE ROOM TO MEET HER. I WAS SO NERVOUS...
THE FIRST FEW MINUTES WERE AWKWARD, BUT AFTER ABOUT 5 MINUTES, IT FELT LIKE WE HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER FROEVER. I BROUGHT ALONG WITH ME A PHOTO ALBUM OF A FEW PICTURES OF MY FAMILY, OUR HOUSE, OUR NURSERY, AND SOME OF OUR HOBBIES AND INTERESTES. THESE WERE A REAL ICE BREAKER, SHE LOOKED THROUGH THEM, WHILE I TOLD HER ABOUT THEM, AND AFTERWARD I LISTENED TO HER TELL ME ABOUT HERSELF AND HER FAMILY. I SPENT THE BETTER PART OF THE MEETING JUST LISTENING...I FOUND MYSELF THINKING, I WONDER IF THE BABY WILL LOOK LIKE HER, OR LIKE THIS OR THAT. I GOT THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE WAS HAPPY THAT I WAS SO INTERESTED IN HER AND WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY. SHE HAD ALREADY CHOSEN ME AND KNEW ALL ABOUT WHAT I WAS LIKE THROUGH MY PROFILE, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW HER. IT WILL SURPRISE YOU HOW MUCH YOU WILL CHERISH THE LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU CAN REMEMBER ABOUT HER AS TIME GOES BY....

[stacyone]

Hi, Hopeishere... you've gotten some great advice. I would definitely tell her how nervous you are, because she probably is, too! I would also start out with a few pictures of your life... I think that rushing in to ask lots of questions about her might sound like you're grilling her... so you have to open up first. Then you can encourage her to talk.

If it's right, it's right -- and if it's not, you'll know. Just breathe and be yourself. This is possibly the most important relationship you'll ever have and you don't want to start it on a false note.

[goin'batty]

When we first met the pbmom, we were incredibly nervous. I asked her if she was as scared to death as I was, she chuckled and said that she was. We talked about how we had gotten ready for the meeting and how we both couldn't decide what to wear. It was a nice ice breaker.

I didn't leap right in and ask a bunch of baby questions. I really felt that this initial meeting was for us all to decide if we liked each other. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to know about us. I asked her where she was from, how she was doing, all the usual get to know you questions. We did get to talking about baby stuff, but it was at her prompting and was probably about an hour later.

Most importantly, we answered every question honestly. You don't want to start this relationship off with even a little lie.

Moxie, you had asked why the agencies didn't counsel us on what to do. In my case, the SW was at the meeting with us, more as support for all of us then as a mediator. I didn't ask the SW what I should say. I didn't want coached on what was the "right" thing to say to get this woman to place with us. I wouldn't think that pbmom's would like that either. I looked at the meetings as a way for us to get to know each other. I figured that this woman will be in my life forever, if she does place with us, and that we need to know and understand each other. On the pbmom's side, I would think that she is trying to determine if this couple is the right couple and if they are trustworthy, etc. That can only happen with real conversations between everyone.

Just my two cents.
L

[keb25]

I am actually a potential birth mom going to meet prospective adoptive parents next week. I can assure you that the nervousness is not one sided. I have been speaking on the phone with the AMom for a couple of months. When she asked me if I was nervous about coming to see them and I said yes she quickly blurted out “I promise we don’t have two heads or anything”. I had to giggle as I confessed to her that I wasn’t nervous that I wouldn’t like them. I already love them. This is an emotional and confusing time non-the-less. Just be yourself, and enjoy your visit. I hope the birthmom sees all the love you are ready to give her baby

[HopeIsHere]

Thank you. I already feel better. We are SO excited about the trip! I am sure our SW will offer some counseling when we speak with her, but I am not sure if you can really prepare for something like this. I agree, we just have to be ourselves and what is meant to be, will be. I love the picture idea. I am going to gather some photos this evening. God bless all of you for caring enough to post. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[BabsCanada]

You've already received excellent responses here, and I am basically just going to add another voice along the same lines;

I don't think I realized it when we were in your shoes, when we first met our daughter's birthmom. We were of course nervous and anxious and excited and fearful all at the same time. What I didn't know THEN is that the birthmom of course had all the same emotions and then some.

About 2 years ago, my friend's daughter asked if she could come over to talk to me, with her friend, who was 17 and pregnant and considering adoption. This young girl wanted an adoptive parent's perspective. It shocked me when she said she was so afraid of meeting potential adoptive parents, that she thought they would all think she was a slut. I absolutely cried when I told her that no waiting parent would ever think that of her, that they would also be nervous, and fearful of what she would think of them.

I know now that potential birthmoms are as nervous as the potential adoptive parents are. You are all going to meet for the first time, and you are all going to be fearful that the other won't like you. Crazy huh!?

Be yourself. Tell her you're nervous or anxious; tell her how long you've longed for a child! or whatever is true about your situation. Tell her what your hopes are.

The young girl I sort-of-counselled met with the a-parents she'd chosen, and she and they are now enjoying a wonderful open adoption. I am pleased for all of them!

Good luck to you as you venture down this path, and just remember to be honest and everything will work out.

Babs