[taylorfam]

My wife and I are a young married couple, and we have strongly been considering adoption. However my wife is currently 6 months pregnant, but my wife and I have already wanted to adopt kids. However we are faced with tons of questions and seeking some real life advice vs. a fluffy online article or book.

Our first question deals with our potential adoption opportunity. My business partner has an adopted daughter (15 yrs) that has had a daughter that is about 4 months old now. However the birth mother is going back to a teen home where the child cannot go. This means the child will be in the state system with Division of Family Services (Missouri). My business partner right now has custody and guardianship of the child, but is considering placing the child up for adoption.

We as soon to be parents were thinking about possibly adopting the baby and raising it on our own. Thoughts? This would be an open adoption since the birthmother knows us.

Next we have questions like:

How do you tell a child they are adopted?
When to tell a child they are adopted?
For parents with both natural-birth and adopted how to keep the peace in the house, and one child not taunting the other child?

Also any other advice people can toss in we need it..

E & M Taylor
Kansas City, MO

[JuliannaTeresa]

If you let the baby go into the System! Your Adoption would be very little to no cost!

If not, then you would need an Adoption Attorney, and someone to complete a Homestudy. Depending on your state you may also be required to be Licensed for Foster Care.

With Adoption, the components are Open Adoption where the mother has contact, semi open basically pictures and letters on a yearly basis, closed none of the above, or Foster Adoption.

With Open Adoption what are your feelings to having a relationship with Mom like this? What are Mom's feelings to having a relationship like this.

Knowing her you have what is called a Private Adoption. Open Adoption is totally different from this terminology.

With Bio and Adopted Children when they are older. You need to schedule 'dates' or one on one time, so that there is no superiority complex!

[BrandyHagz]

My business partner right now has custody and guardianship of the child, but is considering placing the child up for adoption.

I may be wrong here, but unless the mother (She isn’t a birthmother yet) has relinquished her rights, and her parents have adopted the child...they can’t place the child for adoption, only she can. If she isn’t willing to do this, and her parents don’t want to raise the child, the child will go into the foster care system, until 1) Termination is done or 2) Mom gets her life together and can parent.

We as soon to be parents were thinking about possibly adopting the baby and raising it on our own. Thoughts? This would be an open adoption since the birthmother knows us.

Open adoption is where you know, and have ongoing contact with the birthmother after placement. If you don’t wish to have contact with the birthmother after placement, then no, it would be a closed adoption...she'd just have your information.

How do you tell a child they are adopted?

If you elect to adopt, it’s best that the child always know...

When to tell a child they are adopted?

Ditto to what I said above, a child should know from the very start!

For parents with both natural-birth and adopted how to keep the peace in the house, and one child not taunting the other child?

My adoptive parents had a biological child after me, and all I can say is you have to stay on top of it, because chances are, it will always be an issue.

[taylorfam]

Actually I believe the child is already in the system since the mother is in the system as well....

We are talking with my biz partner AND his daughter about the adoption option, but as you said it is the daughter's decision..

The birthmother at this time is just young and not focused and quite unable to care for the child and has enought issues to deal with just on her own.

-BrandyHagz-

On the Bio-Adoption children relationship. What type of issues shoud we expect?

[HappyMomAnna]

You might consider becoming certified as Foster Parents for an identified child---you partner might be able to ask the state to place the child with you--and then you would at least be in the postion of minimizing the number of homes this baby is place into--that will lead to a much better attachment with you should adoption become the possibility.

It would be tru the the babies mother has the final say on things--unless for some reason the state moved to terminate her rights. Her parents at this point have no right to decide anything--the baby is still her baby until she no longer has rights. Unlike the old days when a young mother's parents were able to make these decisions for their daughter because she was a minor.

Open or not if you would like to become adoptive parents it is very important for an adoptee to always know the story--like it is just the same as the story we tell about our pregnancy and delivery--we tell the story of how our child came into our lives.

If you spend anytime reading the adoptee posts here you will find the ones who have the hardest time were OFTEN those who were told late--or by relatives--or by accident. The sotry of how a child came into a family should always be as normal as any other story--because it is normal! There really are a lot of adopted children now--and we do want these children to feel as part of the family as any! To keep it from them for any time makes it a secreat--or a big deal--or something odd....

Most people now agree it is best to at least try to have an open adoption to some degree or another. Unless for some reason there needs to be protection for the child. Otherwise both the birthmother and adopted child do seem to have something the children adoted in the day of secreacy didn't have--Information.
Just knowing you do look like someone--that the someone you look like made this choice for you--so you would grow up with everything needed when the birthmother just was not able to provide it.... An Open adoption can be just about anything the parties agree to--from visits and meetings to simply letters and pictures once a year.

Some birthmothers want open adoptions at first and then find it too painful and ask for less info later--some need to move on and let go because seeing or visiting too often only hurts. Some birthmothers do very well with open adoption agreements and are able to love that you love the child so much. Some adoptive families have a hard time with open agreements and feel the birthmother is not letting go. Some adoptive families have a hard time with visits espeicalliy I have noticed--when there are other children involved--either with the adootive family and sometimes with the birthmother if she later has other children she decides to parent. Open adoption is just that--OPEN to what the parties decide and hopefully always with the childs needs in mind.

Many adoptive families enjoy an open relationship with extended brithfamily memeber--aunts, uncles and grandparents. Most of us can agree there can never be too many aunts, uncles or grandparents around for our children. Some adoptive families do face difficulties with the extended family members--especially in the area of entitlements...grandparents who are still grandparents or who wish the adoption didn't actually happen because now their child is ready and able to be a parent. Soemtime these situations can be difficult.

Either way--openess depends on everyone and all parties have to agree it is only the child that matters.

As for siblings---your biological children should learn that everyone in the family is exactly the same--valued the same--and means the same to the parents. Children do grow up and use any fotter they can find to hurt each other. Siblings can be horrible to each other. Your biologicalchild might one day actually say--I am better because I born to them--and your adopted child might answer back--So what they picked me and got stuck with you!
The mean stuff can go both ways. And usually will. As parents I think it is best not to get over reactive to this junk! In our house we don't hurt anyone for any reason and what you said hurt. No matter who said what.

As parents however--it is your job to be very certain you will treat both of these children the same--dream the same dreams for them and expect the same things from them. It is easy to sit back and think this kid wouldn't be like this if I was the bio mother to him---don't go there! EVER because having had two bios and two adoptees--I can assure you each child is different and sometimes the one you give birth to is the least like you the the rest.... The key is to learn about our children and what makes them who they are---each special for themself and each loved as part of the family.

[BrandyHagz]

Again, this was just my personal experience, I don’t know if anyone else has had the same experiences or not.

First, I have to say that my adoption was a “last resort” and once my “parents” were able to conceive, I was more or less cast aside. Children pick up on this.

I was constantly reminded that “my real parents” didn’t want me and that “no one else wanted me either”. My “brother” would always call our parents, “his parents” and so on.

All things that can be quickly nipped in the bud, but in my case, they never were.

[HappyMomAnna]

BrandyHagz--thank goodness we now have this fourm--this way to hear form you and others--this way to learn how NOT to hurt our children! The time is coming where a child made to feel as you were will not have adotive parents who can claim ignorance to excuse them!

It really is time for everyone to get it! We love our spouses don't we--we didn't give birth to them--how on earth could a child be less a part of the parents love then the love the parents share with each other! I never have figured this one out!

I would really love to give your borther a piece of my mind!

I am sure this is politically incorrect now a days--but my aunt and uncle had two bio sons and later adoted a little girl and my uncle used to joke--I have three kids one is adopted I just can't remember which one!

That is how adoptive parents need to feel--if they don't feel this way they need to make the kids think they do! Period.

[Sharon]

:Actually I believe the child is already in the system since the mother is in the system as well...."

I would discuss this with an attorney and find out your state's laws in this regard. In some states, it doesn't matter if the mother is a minor and a ward of the state; she is still the child's legal guardian; the child is the ward of the mother until such time as her parental rights are terminated, which will not happen unless she can be proven unfit; even then, the State will try to develop some plan, and if she complies she might regain custody in the future. Being fifteen does not automatically disqualify her from parenting in the eyes of the law. I imagine there would have to be more; some sort of abuse or negligence.
When you say your friend has "custody and guardianship" of the child, I don't know if you're referring to the baby or the birthmother. If you're referring to the baby, then does that mean the birthmother's parental rights have already been terminated? If your friend has custody, then it might be up to him to decide whether to relinquish custody to you, and I'm not sure the birthmother would have any input, if her parental rights have already been terminated.
Also, you refer to her as your friend's "adopted daughter", but then say she's "in the system". How can this be? Has the adoption been disrupted or overturned?

[Support2Adopt]

In regards to when you should tell a child they are adopted, I believe this should be addressed from the get go. This can be done in very subtle ways when they are young. Just telling a baby that you love them and you are so glad you adopted them introduces the word adoption at a young age. Then as they grow, filling in more and more at the appropriate age levels.
JJ

[Cricket8351]

I can only help you with two of your questions based on my own experiences.

"Next we have questions like:

How do you tell a child they are adopted?
When to tell a child they are adopted?"

I was adopted by my father when I was 2 years old. My parents told me from the very beginning that I had another father. My mother said they told me the story of "me" when I was three and they continued to tell me as I grew up adding information as my maturity developed. She said when they first told me...I listened intently and then said..."why did ya'll tell me all that mess?" My mother said..."No its not mess baby...its true." Who knows why I responded that way...I have always been a bit weird!

I don't remember NOT knowing about my birthfather but I do remember the point when it was no longer just a "story" and became reality.

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade we had to write our story. A little autobiography if you will. My mother was helping me with it and I was putting information like when my parents got married and when and where I was born. I got really confused because the dates were so different and I couldnt figure it out.

Now mind you I had known about my birthfather and the story of "me" for as long as I could remember but I had not up until that point been able to integrate the information. I could have even told you that I had another father and relayed the story just as I had always been told etc.

My mother said remember when we told you about your birthfather and how your daddy adopted you? That is when it all came together and made sense. The story of "me" was real and wasn't just a story. I finally understood what it meant.

I don't know if this makes sense and I am not sure I can put into words how all the pieces fell into place at that point but it did. It was like all the sudden I knew I was adopted...it finally became real and was a part of me and my history.

I am thankful that my parents began telling me from the very beginning. Although I didn't understand it when they started, when I finally did get "it" I think it was easier. It was not a surprise.

I think we will do the same thing with our child. Begin telling the child at the very beginning so there won't be a magic age when we give them the news. They will always know and hopefully won't remember no knowing.

Hope that helps you. I know my situation was a bit different because my mother is my birthmother but we still had to deal with the fact that my "daddy" is not my birth father.

T