[auntgrace]

My brother took his life a year ago last November, he left 2 boys behind 2 & 4. Their mother is a drug addict and recently lost custody of them. There are now in the care of myself and my Mother, they have all just moved in with me and my 11 yr old son.I have a 3 bedroom house with 1 bathroom. My mother has MS and has some physical disabilities. I own 2 companies of my own which operate out of the same house. I was the only option in the entire family, both sides or would could have lost touch with them if there were adopted by someone else.
Needless to say I am completely overwhelmed. I have only spent time with the older of the 2 when he was just born. I am now trying to manage, the boys, they were neglected horribly and have some emotional issues, living with my mother, trying to be a good Mom to my son and running both of my business's. I did this mainly for my Mother whose loss of her son, would have killed her if she lost the boys too. I don't know if I am up for this. We are only 2 months into this and I am already beside myself. My mother's disablities have me very concerned when my companies go back into full swing in the spring. I don't think she will be able to handle it and we have no family or extra help here if she does.
I will be starting the adoption process and I don't feel this is the right thing. I feel horrible about feeling this way, but I feel we are in way over our heads. Help I need some advice!!!!

[bumpkin]

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. How fortunate the children are to have family that is willing to consider taking them in. It sounds like you need to put in place some respite for yourselves. Can you call your local VNA and see if you mother is eligible for any services through tthem?? My grandmother lived with my mother for many years, it wasn't until near the end that my mother called the VNA and turns out she could have had a personal care attendant 3 x per week to bathe and take care of her personal issues. She also was able to help around the house and fix some small meals etc... Same thing goes for the kids. You need to set up some support to consider doing this. If your son is 11 perhaps he or he might have some girl friends that may be willing to act as mothers helpers. I think at 11 they are too young to babysit, but not to exhaust the kids out in the backyard while you are folding laundry and watching ! 2 and 4 are exhausting ages for anyone, your situation makes it even more exhausting. Perhaps your sw can offer some suggestions. Would they be eligible for your brother's social security? then perhaps the financial burden would be less. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you.

[lucyjoy]

Oh, what a lot to live with!! It's so tough to make decisions whan you're overwhelmed. Would it be possible to hire someone part time to care for your mom and the boys-even if your there?
Any church family or friends that could give you a break?

It would be so helpful if you could get some help even short term to give you time to consider all your options without so much stress.

Does your state offer grandparent visitation? Could you do an open adption with someone that would allow you and your mom to have contact with the children if you decide it's too much to handle everyone?

[auntgrace]

Thank you for your information on help. At this point I really haven't had the time to look into that, not sure what it is. Been a bit busy just trying to line up caseworkers for the boys and taking care of the medical needs, counsuling and medical stuff. I am just scared. If anything happens to my Mother, I'am not sure what I will do. I own a concrete pumping business and a overlay business and work 7 days a week,sometimes 10-12 hours a day, maybe more. Thank God, right now I am in my slow season and I have the time to take them to school, get them dressed, and take them to the other activities they are involved in, but not in a few months. I live in a small mountain town in Colorado, we don't have as many services as city areas. Hopefully there is something out there that I can fall back on. Appreciate your input and your concern.

[HappyMomAnna]

Aunt Grace

Wow what a lot to deal with all at once! You are sure looking after a lot of needs and first need to take care of yourself otherwise t will become way too much for any woman to deal with. Please do look for some respite care so you can get a break.

It is difficult to tell how much your moms MS is affecting her by your post but knowing how this is I understand that your mothers ability to help may not be consistant. Most states do offer services for disabled people through the social security department if your mother qualifies. I helped my friend and she qualified for everything from houskeeping to taking her shopping and recieved between 80 and 100 hours of help a month. Your mother might qualify for this service and receive assistance in some areas which in turn might make it possible for her to give you a little more help.

One idea that strikes me is that you should be recieveing some kind of financial support for the two boys--perhaps you can use these funds to hire a live in? Someone who can help clean the house and watch after everyone.

If you were able to do this--you could consider moving your office to another location and giving the live in the space you are using right now. When we adopted our children they were 1 and 5 and we had a home business--we found it was not only hard to get our work done, but also hard to keep the little ones out of the supplies. Eventually we decided to rent a really small office and put in a phone line so we could forward the office phone to our home when we were not there....we have actually found having the office away from the house results in our getting our business done--and giving us a place to take a break. We were surprised at how low the rent really was for an office especially one we didn't need to have clients come to.

If you are planning to adopt these boys and be their mother your life is going to change for a long time. Some of the decisions you make now will either make things better or cause head aches down the road. If the boys have been neglected and abused they are going to need you there to help them attach with you.

Get all the help you can find---there are some amazing resources out there and sometimes we just have to beg the right person....Please keep asking us questions and giving us some info so we can all help you come up with ideas or ways to ease your stress.....

[mom2alex]

I pray that you and no one else takes offense to this, but please allow me to offer another suggestion. You stated "I will be starting the adoption process and I don't feel this is the right thing." Maybe you adopting them is NOT the best option for YOU or for THEM. Obviously there is so much about the situation that I don't know. But I know that any 2 and 4 year old are a tremendous committment. In addition to the everyday issues raising kids, these children will be faced with challenges the average child never faces.

Who currently has legal gaurdianship? Would it be possible for you to work with an adoption agency to have these children adopted into a home that is more suitable for their needs? Not wanting to or not being able to adopt these children yourself does NOT make you cruel or heartless by any means. Providing them with what is in THEIR best interest is ultimately the most loving thing one could do. With the open adoptions now being practiced, you and your mom could choose the parents you would be comfortable with and even continue an ongoing relationship with them.

Perhaps I misunderstood or perhaps this is the ultimate answer, only you know that. But I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I do pray for the best possible outcome for all.

Blessing!

[HappyMomAnna]

mom2alex-- Is right also--and this is something you should also consider. It is OK to say you are not able to give these little ones everything that you would want them to have. You are the only one who really knows the whole situation.

There are in fact ways to continue to be part of their lives in the future and reamain an Aunt. I understand how deeply you would not want to see this happen but if you are in this alone and cannot find the support you need then you do need to consider what is best for the little ones......I have kids around these ages and it is an all day--every day and constant effort especially with children who have been neglected or abused.

If you do decide to become thier mother it needs to be with the same committment you are giving to your son right now! And you know how hard this has been.....MS is difficult to watch happen to someone we love--and your mother will get worse as time goes on. You have a son who is entering one of the hardest points of growing up and you are considering mothering two more who have been through great trauma!

I can also understand how horrible the idea of letting these children be adopted might be for you. But, only you are able to determine the amount of stress and committment you are able to make. Where there is a will there often is a way--but, at what price? These are the choices you face right now. Most families willing to adopt older children and siblings would want to have you involved in these boys lives---most of us would be thrilled to have one more aunt for our child--a kid cannot have too many loving aunts in their lives. If you decide that parenting them yourself is beyond you means--then you can ask for mediated and open adoption agreements. In some states these agreements are not legally binding after an adoption however, so do check on your state and find out how binding they actually are before you assume anything.

If your mother is still able to take care of herself and help you with the boys and if you can find the ways to not be spread so thin that the whole thing blows up in your face--then follow your heart. Just keep in mind that the older these boys get the harder it will be to find an adoptive home for them. They are likely going to need a lot of counseling and help to deal with the story of their lives so far. You are going to see behavior and tantrums and possible attachment problems with them. You will likely need to have special serivices to help them become healthy and OK.

Sometimes when we face a new challenge--it is overwhelming to start off with--and in our hearts we know with some help and support things will be OK. Other times we know in our hearts that this is beyond our ability to deal with and only YOU can decide which situation you are in right now. Sometimes it is just PMS that makes us crazy for a day or two--sometimes it is really a big problem and you are the only one who can judge what you are feeling right now.

If you do decide to adopt these children you will have as much support as you are willing to find and take and beg for in some cases.....You have all of us right here to vent on and come to when you are overwhelmed--you have the services that you can dig up and you have the time and energy that you have....If adopting these little ones strikes you as far too much to deal with then now would be the time to make other decisions. If you know this will be hard but you are willing to make adjustments and give it all you got then we are here to stand behind you and others in your community should be there for you as well.....Please keep us posted and let us know how we can support you in whatever decision you do end up making.

[auntgrace]

I do have custody of the boys now. Their Mother just recently had her rights reliquinshed. I guess my biggest dilemma is telling my Mother that I honestly don't feel that either of us our completely capable of continuing this for the rest of their lives. With my 2 business's and my son, her declining health it just isn't realistic. I don't have the heart to tell her how I am truly feeling. She promised my brother before he did this that we would get the boys and I believe that she is holding onto them because it is a part of my brother that she could never let go. Not that she doesn't just love them to death too! But I am the one that will have to ultimately deal with them if something happens to her and I don't have the time that they deserve. Her other fear was if someone else adopted them we might never hear from them again. This was the other reason I stepped up to the plate.
We have a very close family friend whom has been wanting to adopt them. In fact CPS considered her and was starting the process, but her personal situation changed. So Mom convinced me to take them until she could work out her thing and we wouldn't lose them. But to be honest, I don't see this happening, just a gut feeling and now I feel I am in too deep and everyone is depending on me and soon the adoption process will start.
I am not sure about the open adoption thing here in Colorado. I might have to look into it, but not sure how it will fly if I mention it to anyone I am working with or my Mother and possible adoptive parent. Just so lost and feel shelfish for feeling this way. It isn't that I don't love them, I just don't think I can do this forever.
Thank you for all your input. Sometimes just talking with people who understand this if helpful.

[HappyMomAnna]

Maybe you can talk with the boys caseworker and have them help you talk with your mother--CPS is used to facing these kinds of issues and everyone will want what is the best for the boys. The kids worker might even be able to tell you have open things can be in your state and look for families willing to continue contact with you.
I can see how talking to your mom is one of the most difficult parts of all of this. If you know you are not going to be able to give the boys everything you would want for them--you know that adoption with the right family would be better---and now it is mom and her feelings that are hard to deal with.
You should not have to face your mom all alone--you need to have support so that you and your mother can have no hard feelings about this......life can be so hard at times.
You might start using words like whats best for the boys--and stable home with a mom and dad---stuff that you mother can hear and get into her heart before breaking the news that you are just not able to do this.