[happydaze]

Hello all, happily we are adopting 2 girls from the foster care system ages 2 and 4. Right now we are in the "transition" phase where we visit and go to their appointments so they are familiar with us. I have read many books etc. But for those of you who have been through it, what are your suggestions for transitioning and bringing them home? Would love to hear your advice.

[Dark Fate]

From what I have seen there's alot of things to help with this.
I'll make a short list.

1.Make a book full of photo's of the new home and family
so the kids can get use to seeing them so they know what to expect.

2. try and talk on the phone offten with them so they can get use to hearing your voice.

3.Give them items before the adoption so they for sure have somthing they can take with them. So they have somthing there use to.

4.Visit as much as you possibly can.

5.Over all just take it slow and remember
it may take time for the attachment to the new parents to begin.

Also for more idea's I recomend the book
"Toddler adoption the weaver craft"
It's full of all kind of stuff. awsome book truly.

Good luck

[Cricket8351]

Congratulations!

How long is the transition period going to last? Is there a progression from short visits to overnights to weekends...etc?

Just curious.

T

[Lorraine123]

We visited with our daughter (who was 6 at time) for 2 months before she came home. They wanted her to finish out the school year there before moving. She was in a neighboring state, so we traveled to her every weekend and she spent the weekends with us in the hotel.

We created a scrapbook with pictures of us, her brothers, extended family who would be an everyday part of her life, her home, her new school, her church, etc. According to her foster mother, she looked through this book almost everyday. In fact, she sometimes still looks through it.

We called her on the phone almost every night. We got to know a lot about her through these calls. It also helped to keep us in her mind throughout the week.

At first, because we were so excited, we wanted to give her all kinds of gifts. But we quickly learned that was wrong. She was learning to look forward to gifts as opposed to us. So we ceased with the gift bringing (which, honestly, ticked her off at first).

Enjoy the visiting and getting to know your new children. That way when they come home you aren't a stranger to them and they aren't strangers to you.

[Lorraine123]

One more thing I forgot -

We did give her things that would require interaction with us. Like we brought coloring books and crayons and we colored together. We also brought nail polish and she would have to paint my nails and I painted hers. Since my daughter has RAD we wanted to do everything possible to create attachment, but I think thats a good idea for any situation.

[DianeS]

Talk to their foster parents, and make friends with them. The fewer things that change from one home to the next, the less worry the children will have, and you'll need their help to accomplish that.

Get their schedule down pat, and use it in your home for the first several days/weeks before transitioning the schedule to the one that will work for you.

Use the same soap, fabric softener, air freshener. Cook the same foods. Smells are very familiar to children.

Do their rooms in the same colors, keep the same bed placement, etc. (And take pictures of their rooms to put in that photo album they'll keep at the foster home.)

Take as much of the children's stuff with you as you can. Their clothes, toys, books, bedsheets, shampoo, etc. If the things they use at the foster home don't belong to the children, offer to purchase them from the foster parents or to replace them with new items.

Be sure that they are being told who you are. Maybe not right away because of their ages, but they should know you as mom and dad before they move in. If possible, foster mom should call you that (ie: "you get to visit your mom tomorrow", "lets look at the picture of your family", "your dad sent this book, would you like to hear it at bedtime tonight?"

And finally, keep life boring for the first few weeks they live with you. It'll be very tempting to take them everywhere and show them off, but don't. It'll also be tempting to take them around to do all the "childish" things you've wanted to do with them for so long, but don't. They need to get to know YOU, and that's best accomplished calmly in the home - baking cookies, painting fingernails, playing games, being normal. Keep gifts and attention from outsiders to a minimum. Put off the "welcome home" party for a few weeks or a month. Etc. It's hard to do that, but usually well worth it!

And congratulations!

[Dark Fate]

DianeS
made some really good points I feel.

So I suggest taking her advice along with the others listed above as well.
If you do this is should help alot I feel.

Originally posted by DianeS
Talk to their foster parents, and make friends with them. The fewer things that change from one home to the next, the less worry the children will have, and you'll need their help to accomplish that.

Get their schedule down pat, and use it in your home for the first several days/weeks before transitioning the schedule to the one that will work for you.

Use the same soap, fabric softener, air freshener. Cook the same foods. Smells are very familiar to children.

Do their rooms in the same colors, keep the same bed placement, etc. (And take pictures of their rooms to put in that photo album they'll keep at the foster home.)

Take as much of the children's stuff with you as you can. Their clothes, toys, books, bedsheets, shampoo, etc. If the things they use at the foster home don't belong to the children, offer to purchase them from the foster parents or to replace them with new items.

Be sure that they are being told who you are. Maybe not right away because of their ages, but they should know you as mom and dad before they move in. If possible, foster mom should call you that (ie: "you get to visit your mom tomorrow", "lets look at the picture of your family", "your dad sent this book, would you like to hear it at bedtime tonight?"

And finally, keep life boring for the first few weeks they live with you. It'll be very tempting to take them everywhere and show them off, but don't. It'll also be tempting to take them around to do all the "childish" things you've wanted to do with them for so long, but don't. They need to get to know YOU, and that's best accomplished calmly in the home - baking cookies, painting fingernails, playing games, being normal. Keep gifts and attention from outsiders to a minimum. Put off the "welcome home" party for a few weeks or a month. Etc. It's hard to do that, but usually well worth it!

And congratulations!

[JuliannaTeresa]

Discipline and set boundaries the same as the Foster Parents.

When the child has a temper tantrum. What works for them?

Schedule one on one time with each child!

[mina2u]

I am hopeing to adopt out of state. The children I am being consedered for are very bonded to their foster parents. How long usually do out of state transitions take place? DH is a CPA, and this is the begining of tax session. DH won't have alot of time available soon. Can transition take place with just one of the parents, or do both parents have to be there for the whole process...I realize the more time spent with the children, the easyer it will be for them; DH just wont have the time

[happydaze]

Thanks for all your great ideas! They are in the same large city as us so we are able to see them a few times a week, transition time is a month, (it can be more depending on the particular childs needs) and yes we do work up to overnights. The nice thing is that thier therapist who has worked with them for a year is staying with them through the transition, and after for awhile so that there is always someone they are familiar with. I'm finishing up the photo books to take them tommorow, and am planning on bringing books, coloring books as suggested to interact. We won't be running around too much the first couple of weeks because I also have 2 bio kids (4,and 9 months) so that should keep us home for plenty of bonding! I hadn't thought about phone calls, that is a neat idea, I also wondered about doing a video their fostermom could play for them.

[Dark Fate]

I think the idea of the video is a wonderful idea.
I have seen that listed in books as well,
What I had posted above was just a small amount of what I have seen.

Anyways I wish you the very best in this
and if I can be of any help to you feel free to contact me.

Take care and may God bless.

Originally posted by happydaze
Thanks for all your great ideas! They are in the same large city as us so we are able to see them a few times a week, transition time is a month, (it can be more depending on the particular childs needs) and yes we do work up to overnights. The nice thing is that thier therapist who has worked with them for a year is staying with them through the transition, and after for awhile so that there is always someone they are familiar with. I'm finishing up the photo books to take them tommorow, and am planning on bringing books, coloring books as suggested to interact. We won't be running around too much the first couple of weeks because I also have 2 bio kids (4,and 9 months) so that should keep us home for plenty of bonding! I hadn't thought about phone calls, that is a neat idea, I also wondered about doing a video their fostermom could play for them.

[DianeS]

I just thought about those little books from the 80s that came with records... remember those?

How about duplicating that idea with storybooks and cassette tapes? You could read several stories onto cassette tapes, and give them (along with the books) to the foster mother. Those could be played to help them remember your voice (especially at hard times like bedtime). Then the books could come back when the children move, and you'd have a ready-made ritual.

(This might help especially well with your long-distance transition, too, mina2u.)

[JuliannaTeresa]

I would ask the Foster Mom or Parents how they feel about the videos!

Some feel very threatened!

[Dark Fate]

You do make a good point Julianna.
I do suggest getting the ok from the foster parents
before doing anything.

I should have stated that earlyer.
Glade Julianna brought it up .

Also the foster parent or parents may have other idea's of how to help.
Thanks
cya.

Originally posted by JuliannaTeresa
I would ask the Foster Mom or Parents how they feel about the videos!

Some feel very threatened!

[happydaze]

I would ask the fosterparent first, because if they aren't comfortable with it, then they won't play it. I have met her and she is very open about the whole thing and helpful. I have read Toddler Adoption and that is definately a fabulous resource. We are of course so excited right now and wondering if there is any bit of info we have missed, LOL. 3 of my siblings were also adopted so it is always nice to just ask my mom, but nowadays I think everyone is more aware of how traumatic all of this can be on kids. They have been very lucky to have only been in one foster home.