[Dark Fate]

You sound like a wonderful person with a good head on your shoulders.

I hope all works for you.
I was wondering if I may Pm you to talk about the toddler adoption book?

Originally posted by happydaze
I would ask the fosterparent first, because if they aren't comfortable with it, then they won't play it. I have met her and she is very open about the whole thing and helpful. I have read Toddler Adoption and that is definately a fabulous resource. We are of course so excited right now and wondering if there is any bit of info we have missed, LOL. 3 of my siblings were also adopted so it is always nice to just ask my mom, but nowadays I think everyone is more aware of how traumatic all of this can be on kids. They have been very lucky to have only been in one foster home.

[kisses4sam]

Hi there

We had a two week transition period. The children (aged 2 and 3) had a photo album of us and our house before they actually met us and from the first meeting wanted to call us Mammy and Daddy.

We got on very well with their Foster Mother which I think helped a great deal - everyone was at ease with each other which was good for the children. She wrote a detailed list of their daily routine down for us which we followed, and still do to some extent. She also warned us of any behaviour patterns we could expect and how she dealt with them. The children are doing brilliantly, especially the youngest, who was very attached to her Foster Mother and in the beginning would not have a lot to do with me.

Lynne

[MamaJem]

WOW! Lots of great information. I only have a couple of comments.

The story book/cassette idea is great. The aparents for our fchildren sent one of those micro players with recordings and a book with a matching stuffed toy. The kids loved it and wanted to hear them over and over. The video would have been nice also but somehow got smazhed in the mail so I didn't get to try it first hand.

The phone calls were good but we found after several hours the first weekend that we had to ask for them to limit it to 15 munutes per child. That was very doable and plenty for all.

Not ony make friends with the foster family but please treat them with respect. Your children will be watching how you treat their caregivers. Remember, they have been caring for your children for several weeks, maybe months or years. Their contribution isn't trivial. Of course its not your responsibility to take care of the fparents but common courtesy can be overlooked in the excitement.

Send pillowcases, towels and if possible, small blankets from your home for them to cuddle and to get use to your smells. Like has already been said, smells are very important. If they can sleep with these things or use your towels after bathing (don't get new stuff, grab something from the linen closet) it will help with the bonding process.

Don't buy all new things for your kids and then toss or box up everything they have. It sends a message that they don't have anything to offer. That their life before you wasn't worth anything. That's not a message anyone wants to send and certainly isn't healthy to receive. They can slowly start replacing things as they go. One of our foster chilren wanted to take a pillowcase with her to remember me but he aparents told us that they bought all new sheets, cases, blankets, comforters, etc and that anything we sent would be boxed up so we didn't see the point in sending it.

HTH

[happydaze]

Thanks all for your input, it is wonderful to talk with people who understand. MamaJem you are absolutely right, the fosterparent does deserve respect. We are so greatful to her for taking such loving care of the girls, she was the first positive parent model they have ever had. She has definately contributed to their lives and their ability to love. I really do appreciate the great work that good foster parents do, I have 3 adopted sibs so I know the impact for good or otherwise that foster parents have on a childs life. We hope that their fostermom will stay in contact with them.

Dark Fate, you are welcome to Pm me about the book or any other info I can share, I am a readaholic, webaholic, LOL

[grogg]

We are on the verge of going to Ecuador to pick up our 2 year old daughter. We used to live in Ecuador, and she was allowed to live with us for 7 months. We had to leave the country and move to the U.S. before any of the adoption matters were sorted out. The little girl had to go back to the orphanage where she originally lived. That was almost a year ago. Since then, she has certainly forgotten us, and our 5 year old has forgotten what it is like to have another child around. In addition to all of this, she has forgotten all of the English she was exposed to and now only understands Spanish. On top of everything, she is black and we are white living in a white town.
So.......any ideas about transitioning? Should our son go down with us to pick her up? Should he and I stay in Ecuador until we can all come back together or should he and I come back earlier and get her room ready and buy her clothes and toys? He is in kindergarten and will miss several weeks of school if we stay down the whole time. I want for both of the kids to have the easiest transition possible in what has been a very difficult year for all of us, esp. for our little girl. She could be a total wreck...we just don't know how she is doing after being "abandoned" by us. By the way, we had no choice. We were forced to return her.
So, ANY and ALL suggestions would be appreciated.

[ahimsa]

Wow! What a crazy and wonderful time you must be having right now. We were in your EXACT spot this time last year. We adopted a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 year old out of foster care. Most of the suggestions you got are good. But I have a biggy.

As I look back now, I have a few regrets. The first is not knowing more about attachment disorder. Somewhere I read that most kids that come out of foster care have some level of it. There is a book called "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah D. Gray. PLEASE read it before the kids move in. If time is an issue, then just read chapter 8. One issue with kids of the ages that you are adopting is that you weren't able to "baby" them. That is how a strong attachment is often formed between mother and child. You will have to go back, regress a little, and baby your toddler and preschooler. Chapter 8 of that book talks about the different stages of attachment, ways to reinforce attachment, and ways to know when a child is securely attached.

We were so happy. Our kids hugged and kissed us during our visits. They called us Mommy and Daddy the first night they moved in. We were overjoyed. Little did we know that those are two big signs of an attachment disorder. I have a journal posted here with a lot of info about what we went through and are going through. I wish someone had given me this advice last year. It would have helped a lot.

Based on what I have learned now, the biggest mistakes we made were the following. We spent too much time worrying about them being comfortable with our family. Right now it is all about you, your partner if you have one, and the kids. No one else. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, whatever....will fall into place later. If you introduce too many people too quick, the kids won't understand that YOU are the primary caregiver. If you're doing an album I would actually recommend it be just about the people and pets that are going to live in your house, and no one else.

The holidays are coming up. I now firmly believe that this is the worst time of year to adopt because everyone is going to want to be around your kids and spoil them. Please keep your distance. We didn't and we paid dearly. In some ways, we're still paying for those mistakes.

Please PM me any time. I so don't want to see you make the same mistakes we did. A lot of the other things are somewhat trivial. Yes, it's nice if kids have the same sheets. Yes, it's nice if their bedroom is the same color. But the biggy is that those kids begin attaching to you immediately and understanding the difference between you and other people. Kids their age don't automatically understand the distinction between nuclear family, extended family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. This has to be taught...especially with kids who have been in foster care, who often move in with strangers and treat many strangers as their next potential parents.

OK...I've said an awful lot! Sorry! Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Good Luck! You'll be in my thoughts!