[tayloire]

Well, here it is the start of a brand new year. Our homestudy was approved October 2000. We were working with an agency, and during that time one birthmother considered us but then decided to parent. After 2 years the agency said we could continue on with them, but we'd have to go through all their training, complete a new application, basically start the whole process from scratch. But they really suggested we look elsewhere since they were not able to match us.

We went to a local agency right in our very hometown, which is also a home for pregnant girls. We already had our homestudy updated (and approved) and she recommended us to their board of directors. Someone on the board said that we should go elsewhere - that they didn't think a birthmother would ever choose us! Our social worker disagreed, saying that she felt no one could ever say what couple a birthmom would or would not choose. But the board had the final say. So my feelings were hurt.

So we did find an agency that we're working with since June of 2003. But so far nothing.

I have had more than one person ask us when are we going to give up? And shouldn't we start dealing with the fact that we may never have a child? has anyone else had to deal with questions like this? They look at me like I'm living in a fantasy world when I tell them I'm not giving up. Maybe domestic adoption won't work for us; we're already considering international. One way or another I feel in my heart that I will ONEDAY be a mom. I know they think it's been "way too long" for someone to wait.

I recently had someone tell me that I shouldn't have written in my dear birthmother letter how my husband and I met. We met on-line in 1990 on a service like AOL (but AOL didn't exist yet - this was for commodore computer owners!) It wasn't a dating service, it was like AOL, you read message boards, played games, read the news, etc. She said a birthmother might think that there was something wrong with us because we met over a computer. (instead of at a bar, or through a friend) Well, we've been married 10 years now. I never even thought of it that way. I thought it was kind of neat how we met! We just happened to both play music trivia games and started chatting and getting to find we had other similar interests. oh well, my husband thinks I shouldn't worry about it. I can't change facts nor do I want to!

I guess I'm just letting the world kinda get me down a little. Thanks for letting me vent.

Valerie

[3inCO]

Valerie, I don't think anyone can say who a potential birth mother will or will not pick. I have read lots of posts on the forum from b-moms who talk about just this thing. They chose a-parents based on what they wanted for their babies. The reasons are as different as every individual.

We were with a local agency for over two years and they never had a potential b-mom show any interest in us. I beleive now that they were not too interested in trying to match us at all. We met with and independent consultant who gave us some other agency options and we moved on. We were matched and placed within two months and our second two placements were equally quick.

Did these people who made such a callous statement give you any feedback as to why they felt you would not be chosen? Many people meet through the internet these days so I can't imagine that interfering with your chances, and even if it turned someone off, it may spark something with another potential birth-mom and make you more attractive, you just can't tell.

The process is hard and long, I know that after two years I wondered if maybe we were not supposed to be parents or if we anyone would ever choose us. I now believe that it was not time. I can't imagine not having the three beutiful children that I do. If you feel in your heart that you are meant to be a mom, do not give up hope.

Becky

[amom4life]

Valerie,
What an awful thing for an agency to say! I'm curious too as to their reasoning.

I don't think the fact that you met online should hurt your chances. They need to look at your lives together through these ten years.

Don't give up!
HUGS!
Judy

[TJny]

Hi Valerie -
Hang in there (much easier said then done, I know)! We are in our 24th month of the wait and I know how much harder and harder it gets to stay positive every day. And if you are anything like me, you keep going over your profile, all your networking, all your advertising, and wanting to change everything, try anything, just DO something that will make something happen! It starts to make you feel a bit insane.

I don't know why you are having to wait so long but have faith -- your little one WILL find his/her way home. Maybe they are getting directions right now!!

Don't give up -- take a deep breath and push on!
TJ

[cathy102]

I have known people that waited over 2 years and almost wanted to give up. Then when they were just about to quit, here comes their child that is meant to be with them..

I just don't understand how an agency could say they can't help you. Did they give you a reason why? Doesn't make any sense to me!! All expectant moms look for different things..

Just whatever you do, Do give up your dream to become a mom. God has put that desire in your heart for a reason..I will keep you in my prayers that your child will be with you soon..

And regarding how you met your husband? I didn't even put how I met mine in my birthmom letter..Maybe you should change that?? Just a thought.

Cathy

[Waiting4Skip]

(((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

Valerie,

I feel your pain. The adoption process is painful for many reasons. While our story is different, it has not been without pain. We are older - I am 45 my husband is 50. We married 3 years ago, 6 years after we met online! He is truly my soulmate. We were both married before and have three grown children from our previous marriage. The youngest is 20, the oldest is 26. We have an 11 month old grandson and a 4 year old granddaughter. Our families have blended nicely but there was always something missing.

When we decided to adopt and began telling close friends and family members, the responses were 50/50.

50% Expressed their happiness for us.

the other 50% responded with comments like:

"What are you nuts?"
"Get a puppy instead"
"A baby? You guys have it made, another year and you'll have no kids left at home and you want another baby?"
"You should be shopping for vacation homes not baby furniture"
"You need your head examined"

We expected as much and prepared ourselves for these remarks and took it all with a grain of salt. We have one good friend, who, while well intentioned, simply could not understand our logic (as he said)...each time we saw him he would ask "You're not still thinking about that adoption thing are you?"

Like I said, he's a good friend, and while he lacks charm at times, he wasn't trying to hurt us. We began to have "fun" with him. We told him not only were we still proceeding with the adoption, but we were naming the baby after him and were going to insist that the baby call him Grandpa Bill since his own kids didn't seem in any hurry to provide him with grandchildren....

This went on for a few months until one day he came over with a huge box. A handcrafted toy box. (He's a carpenter) He made it for the baby. He said he wanted to give the Baby a special gift. He said it came with one stipulation - that we NOT have the baby call him Grandpa because he's TOO YOUNG to be a Grandpa. He did say "Uncle Bill" sounded good to him!

It's a tough road. We accepted our referral for a little boy in Russia and made our first tript to meet him in November and still don't have a court date to go back and finalize. It 's a region where the court dates are very slow and recently we were told because of the Chicago tragedy there may be a longer delay. We may not get to go back until June. It's heartbreaking and seems like and eternity but we know we can make it through.

As far as telling the truth about how you met, my own opinion, I would tell the truth. SOMEBODY will appreciate how you met. There isn't a stigma to online meetings that there was even 3 years ago.

Don't give up!

[djb_97]

Hello -

What I don't understand, if an agency doesn't feel you'll get a match or aren't interested in helping you, why would they approve you to adopt? I can't believe they said it would be best to look elsewhere, how terrible!

I too would like to know their reasoning.

Please don't give up, there is a child out there waiting to find you, hang in there!

Hugs,
Deb

[ddhuab]

I agree with Deb. I am worried a birthmom won't choose to consider us because I am overweight (I need to lose about 80 pounds). I am currently trying to live a healthier lifestyle and become more active so that I can be a good example for and have fun with our future children. I do hope an agency will be honest with us at the beginning, before they take our initial retainer fee.

D.

[tayloire]

..thanks for all the notes of encouragement, thoughts and hugs.
Well, it was December 2002 that we got a letter in the mail (MAIL...NO PHONE CALL) from the agency we were working with that said well, it had been over two years and since they hadn't made a successful match for us...we'd have to start over with them. They didn't absolutely kick us out but "strongly enocouraged" us to look elsewhere since we had not been successful with them. They figured that in 2 years if a child hadn't been placed with us through their agency we should go elsewhere.If we'd stayed with them we'd have had to go through all their educational meetings again (they said they'd changed and updated them) and complete a new application, etc. It just wasn't a very upbeat letter. It said that if we didn't reapply in two weeks we'd be taken off their active list and no longer shown to birthmothers. This was the first week in December we got this letter! Not a great way to get notified and especially not a great time, right before the holidays.

Now the OTHER agency that we went to, the agency in our hometown...the social worker told us that there was someone on their board of directors who thought a birthmother would never choose us. When we pressed her about WHY I could tell she really didn't want to tell us!! We had just gotten our doctors statements, and both of our doctors said we were in good health and there was no reason we could not parent. But I did have anxiety attacks about 5 years ago and I thought maybe this might be the reason? Right away, she said oh no, not that, everyone goes through periods of stress. I do have diabetes, but I'm not on insulin. It's very well controlled by diet, exercise and medicine. My doctor even put down on the reports that my tests results are "awesome!" But it wasn't that...So.....WHAT IS IT?! She finally came out and said that this one person was concerned about our weight. Yes, we are both overweight. We're not "Barbie and Ken" figures. But we're active people whose weight doesn't keep us from doing anything we want to do. Sometimes I wonder if they even bothered to read our entire application (I should call it a book - it's the longest application I've ever seen and completed) The social worker did apologize to us, she made a point to come to our house and tell us in person. We had completed a Preliminary application and she had told us "Yes, you are certainly the type of family we are looking for" so she sent us the huge, official application to complete. We had been to her office a couple of times and she was so encouraging every visit. I guess that's what made the letdown so hard and hurtful.

I have gone over our profile, thinking of ways to change things, and analyzing each sentence in our letter, but I try not to change things. It can drive me crazy doing that.

I haven't given up my hopes and dreams to be a mom. I know it's all in God's hands and his timing, but I'm so ready to be a parent now!

Also, we decided to keep how we met in our letter. We just added a few statements about how we met while playing trivia games and started chatting instead of just saying we met "on-line" (though that's all we added!!)

Valerie

[Wilsonta]

Have you thought about looking into other options? I know there are lawyers & doctors out there who are connected with Hospitals where women come in all the time, have their baby & don't want it. They are placing these children all the time. I've heard waiting doesn't take nearly as long this way. There are agencies who deal with hospitals as well. Now, this might mean you may have to consider whether or not you are willing to take a child who is not the same race as you, but you could have a child, a newborn. Other options are older children. There are so many in need. We are adopting 2 older children, ages 4 & 6. They are a handful, but I cannot imagine looking at kids this young as being too old to love. They need good families. All hope is NOT lost, but you may have to alter your dream a little. I know for me, I mourned having a child then after we got our kids, I mourn that child again. It's not an easy road, no matter what you do. You feel trapped & helpless, frustrated & all alone. And that no one can understand what this is like. And I think it's true to some extent when all your friends & relatives around your age are having kids & you are stuck in time waiting & wondering. But, you don't have to continue down that path. However, you have to decide what is important to you about the child you bring into your life. Once our kids were placed with us, it was the beginning of another stuggle. We are very lucky & blessed with great kids, but it is still a stuggle everyday.

I hope you find what you are looking for, but be sure to appreciate the good things you have & the rest will come.