[cindy123456789]

Okay, I decided to bring this question out of another response. I know I was guilty as a child, and now other children do this to me. What are some good resposes to handle the situation? I am 30 and cannot have children. My darlings nieces have asked me when we are going to have children. luckily, someone else grabbed their attention, and I didn't have to answer. Needless to say, I can't tell them the truth, it is to horrible. Someday, they will know and understand, I won't be the one to tell them. What is the best answer to give to children, without being completely honest? It hurts me a lot, and tends to strain my relationship not only with the child, but also with their parents. I cannot change what was done to me when I was ten and younger. I just hate being reminded. I am glad to adopt, and hopefully, these questions will stop then. However, when a four year old innocently asks, I need to say something, and try to hide the hurt and pain. When a ten year old taunts, it really hurts. I guess I am just sensitive. i am sure both adoptive parents and birth parents have faced these questions from well meaning children.

[Brat]

A 10 year old taunting you about your childlessness? Really? If it is indeed taunting, that's pretty bad manners.

Personally, if children show bad manners, I leave it up to their parents to deal with them. I know that if I were to taunt an adult about anything, much less infertility, I would be on restriction for life. If you really sense the child is purposely trying to hurt your feelings, I would tell the parents exactly what the child has said and the context, that it is intolerable, and that you would prefer that they speak to her. If you think, however, that her question is an innocent one, and that maybe it just feels like taunting because you're feeling particularly sensitive right now, still ask the parents to ask her not to ask that question anymore.

Beyond that, I wouldn't feel obligated to share the intimate details of conception with someone else's child, even if it were a niece. That again, is up to the parents. If they decide to discuss infertility, I would ask them not to share my personal, intimate details--especially knowing that child will likely share them w/others and probably with my future child.

With your niece, I would stick to telling her about the positive aspects of adoption, educating her ahead of time because once her cousin joins the family, s/he will benefit from being treated respectfully. The child who taunts you, will taunt your child, unless this is nipped in the bud.

As for your four-year-old niece, I would say that I don't know when I'll be having a child, but hopefully soon. If you're a person of faith, maybe say that only God knows. Then change the subject. I can't imagine asking that question at such a young age, and she's probably just following the lead of your other niece. At any rate, you don't need or deserve to walk through a minefield with children. Let their parents deal with it. If they don't, sadly, perhaps you will need to limit your interactions with their family.

[Support2Adopt]

Obviously, whatever happened to you in your own business and not something that needs to be shared. However, you could approach it in the manner that something doesn't work in your body to allow you to make a baby, so you are very excited about adopting a baby instead. If they have an interest, then you could tell them more about the adoption process so you are educating them at the same time as satisfying thier curiosity.
JJ

[Soccer Mom]

When I'm asked why I chose adoption when I've had a biological child I just say that God has led me in that direction. For me it is the truth but I too have been asked that by a child and when I gave that answer it satisfied her curiosity without too much information.

[DianeS]

In my opinion, the complete truth is "I don't know".

If you choose to continue, you can add something like "God will send my children to me, just like he sent you to your mom and dad, and I don't know when he/she/they will arrive". OR "Children arrive when they want to, and I'll be happy to see him/her/them whenever they get here".

Of course, I've been known to totally redirect the question, when I was not willing to discuss it (like in front of adults who don't know the situation). In that case, the answer that's worked best for me is "When I'm grown up. What do you want to do when you grow up?" Kids love to talk about themselves, so if you're willing to hear about nursing and being a fireman, that's a good redirect question. They'll ask again later because you didn't really answer them, but it works for the moment.

It's a hard question! {HUGS} to you!

[HappyMomAnna]

First of all--a child the age of 4-would not ask such a thing unless the parents had talked about it! I would talk the parents and tell them that they need to stop discussing your biz in front of their child. Most 4 year olds don't put these ideas together on their own.....
With the ten-year old I can understand the questions and might ask her when she plans to be a mom? Ten year old girls are often starting to think about it--and interested. But, taunting is something she has learned from her parents. I would tell the parents that discussing your motherhood is something they need to do when their children are asleep and will not overhear their JUDGEMENTS.

I would also tell the parents they need to be very careful not to HARM their daughters--infertility can happen to any girl and how will they feel if one of their daughters ends up suffering infertility after being raised to be so flip about it? These parents need to take a moment to talk with the ten year old about the issues of unwanted babies--and about the fact that some women have difficulties but you NEVER know what will happen to you----until you are married! It could be a more constructive way for them to educate their daughters.

Either way---don't let these problems harm the relationship with the girls--it is the parents who have a problem and you are going to want these little girls to be your babysitter sometime down the road when you do have your child and need a Friday night off!

Second--If you are at all a religious family the best answer I have found is to simply say--We will have a baby when God decides. If you are not religious maybe--'We will have a child when the time is right."

[blessed with 2]

I think it is important to look at the question through the eyes of the one asking. If a child is asking when you are going to have kids, they might just think all grown ups are moms and dads and are excited to have more kids to play with. When we decided to adopt, we followed the advice of "tell everyone, you never know where the baby will come from" Since I do home daycare, the kids asked why we were adopting instead of having another baby. I simply responded the same way we explained it to our then 3 year old. "Another baby can't grow in my tummy, so we are going to adopt a baby who needs a mommy and daddy" I sometimes explained that sometimes a lady has a baby grow in her tummy and can't be a mommy yet. That seemed to satisfy the kids, it was honest, and didn't infringe on my privacy too much. (Not like the adults who ask which one of us has the fertiliy problem!) It sounds like you had some real trauma in your past, and you are right, your neices do not need to hear about it at all right now. You know the real context of these comments, so if there is more going on then these simple answers can deal with, I would discuss it with the parents.

[4kidsmom]

Cindy,
I was a bit confused as to the previous post you were referring to , but I think the bottom line is you can't have kids and what do you say to nosy (kids) people? Regardless of the REASON why you can't have kids, no-one needs to know that except the people YOU WANT to know. A good response to a kid, especially if you are at all religious or spiritual is, "You know, God gives people children all kinds of different ways. Our/My Children will be born in my heart." Another response is, "That's a good question!" Take back your power and set good boundaries, it is good practice for when you are a mom!
;D Good Luck!
4kidsmom