[nickychaz]

Hi, I am an adult adoptee and have two biological children of my own, a five year old boy and a ten year old boy. My children know that I am adopted and that I am searching for my parents. My youngest is not old enough to understand, but my older son, Nicky, realizes that he has grandparents out there and would very much like to meet them. Nicky asks me all kinds of questions about my biological parents (his grandparents) and I have told him everything that I know about them, although All I know is from the non-id. Nicky is also curious about my adoptive parents and I have told him all that I know about them as well. He actually met my adoptive mother once, but he was young (5) and dose not remember much about her. Nicky used to ask to visit her or call her all the time, but I think he realized that the subject made me uncomfortable and does not ask anymore. I did allow him to send her a card at Christmas time,I have not heard from her since. Nicky has asked why she has not sent him a letter in return and I simply reply that I do not know why. My son realizes that my adopted mother has remarried, moved out of state,and has not had the courage to tell her huband
about us yet.

I am still looking for my birth parents, but am not sure that
I should include my son in the search. I am afraid that if I find her and she does not want contact with us it will crush Nicky. I would love to know how other adoptees handle situations like this.
I feel so afraid and alone sometimes that I don't know what to do.
I would deperately like to find some relative (mother, brother, sister, father, anyone) and feel so sad. It is hard to go through
life with no family of my own ! I also know that my children deserve a family and feel guilty that I am not able to provide one for them.

The holidays are especially hard. People assume that you should have family around and ask questions about where they are. Even my sister-in-law asked about "my mother". I just turned red and did not know what to say. My 10 year old answered for me "Well, my adoptive grandmother lives in Ohio and my biological grandmother is a nurse somewhere, but we have not found her yet" It was so sad. I had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom.

I would really appreciate any advice on how other adoptees help their
children cope with their adoption, biological and adoptive parents. Please help !!!

[bmom and adoptm]

My son realizes that my adopted mother has remarried, moved out of state,and has not had the courage to tell her huband
about us yet.

[bmom and adoptm]

oops--sorry, this previous statement is heartbreaking.

i am soon to adopt 4 russian children. i want to understand these feelings of isolation for the sake of my new children.

i will keep you in my prayers.

[Sharon]

Nickychaz,
I have no advice, but I know how you feel. It's heartbreaking when you look at the situation through a child's eyes. I'm a birthmom in an open adoption that was closed by the aparents after the first year. I recently tracked down my birthson's aparents and made contact with them. They sent photos of my birthson, but asked me not to contact them again. My birthson is now thirteen. I have another son, a twelve-year-old I am raising.
He has known about his older brother all his life. He was with me every step of the way during my search. He is so hurt and baffled by the adoptive parents' decision not to allow him contact with his brother. I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and started to feel a little bit angry, when I realized what this is doing to my child, to both of my children... they are look-alike brothers a year apart in age. They should have grown up knowing each other... instead it appears they'll never know each other, if the aparents have their way. My son doesn't understand why the aparents would agree to an open adoption if they did not intend to honor it. He doesn't understand why the law won't protect us... why there are no laws in place to make people uphold these agreements. Sometimes I wonder if I should've just kept the whole thing from my son and never even told him that he has a brother. The whole thing has hurt him and made him sad, and I have no words to comfort him or to explain why all this has happened. Adoption does not only involve "the triad"... it touches many other people peripherially, and some of them are only children and do not deserve the pain, even at second hand. I am all for openness, and totally against secrecy and lying, but I wish my son did not have to know at the age of twelve the depravity and cruelty of which some people are capable. He doesn't get it, and I can't help him, because i don't get it either. This situation is incomprehensible to me, so how can I ever expect him to comprehend it?
I wish you the best of luck in your search. I hope your son gets to meet his biological grandmother someday, and that she welcomes you both with open arms.
Best wishes to you, ~ Sharon

[Howdy]

nickychaz,

I think your son will pick up from you what he will feel about the outcome. If you are crushed he will feel crushed, etc. My paternal grandmother had divorced my grandfather when my dad was little, and I only saw her three times - when I was a toddler, when I was 11 and when I was 21. It never occurred to me to feel dismal about it, because my Dad was never sad about it, it was just the way life was and that was OK.

If you are honest about your feelings with your son, but model behavior that you would like him to learn, then even a heartbreak can result in good. Perhaps if you handle sorrow strongly, then when he has his own sorrows in the future (like girlfriend's breaking up with him), he will be more likely to handle his heartbreak like he saw you handle yours. (One of the guys I worked with killed himself because his girlfriend broke up with him, so I'm rather sensitized to that issue.)

I'm not sure it exists, but I think I've seen advertisements about 'Adopt a Grandparent'. Perhaps that would be satisfying for you and your son. There must be lots of lonely old people whose kids moved far away. You could feel good about providing your son with a substitute grandparent, and they would feel very happy to have someone who cares.

And if you can't find a program like that, I'm sure there are volunteer programs to go to the grocery store for old people. I used to do that when I was younger, I took two old ladies to the grocery store every weekend. It was sort of a big burden to have, but they were very nice and had lots of interesting stories about the 'old days'.

[vicrose]

Nickychaz...May I add one bit of advice when searching for your birthfamily...do not include the children in your search. I am speaking from experience....when I found my birthmom this year..I called her on my birthday..my kids all knew about the search..they knew it meant so much to me to finally find her...and then in one minute on the phone with her..my dreams were crushed..and my 14,11,and 4 year old had to see me in really bad condition for a few weeks afterwards. I say if your search is fruitful..and if your birthfamily wants contact..then by all means then tell the kids if there is going to be a reunion..but I would hold off to see how everything goes first..because children are so innocent..and I kick myself now for letting my children see me when I was hurting soooo badly. Just my 2 cents.....Hugs, Brenda