[spaypets]

I have to admit a certain affection for the threads that discuss obnoxious remarks that people make when confronted with our families. I suppose my fondness is the same impulse that leads people to watch reality tv or read gossip columns. And I admit, it's not one of my finest characteristics.

But having read all the articles and taken the adoption classes, I expected more rude or boneheaded remarks than I've received since adopting our now 2-year-old daughter from India.

The silliest thing someone has said was asking me if my then 20-month-old daughter spoke English -- I said that she did as well as any 20 month old.

But so far, no one has been actually rude or asked anything waaay to personal. Some people ask where she's from but that's as personal as it gets.

So here's my question--is the reason I haven't heard these remarks because I live in a rural, very caucasian state where there aren't as many assumptions about minorities? Or is it because my daughter is from India and there simply aren't as many assumptions made about people from there as, say African Americans or Hispanics?

Does the fact that I live in a place where there are more like two degrees of separation between people instead of six make people more circumspect in their remarks? Or because I live in a place with lots of upper middle class tourists, have people here have gotten used to seeing families like mine that don't match?

Is my daughter skating on my white privilege and doomed to hear bigoted remarks the minute we're not with her?

What are your thoughts or theories?

[LynMaria]

Not to come across sounding rude, but they probably don't care. They see a family. Take it and run. If you've ever lived on a military base, interrcial families are more common than not and the resulting children are more ethnic in appearance. CC children are often the minority...yet among these families, nobody cares, nobody questions..they go on about their lives and their friendships. You're probably in a pretty classy town. Again, I don't mean to sound rude but your thread almost sounds as if you are wanting comments and questions. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but being a minority myself and having a racially diverse immediate family (some of my kids look like me...some look nothing like me), I am never surprised, alarmed nor offended by questions and I am never surprised when there are no questions or remarks at all. Even when there are, I'm pretty sure I'm completely oblivious to them anyway. I'm usually in my own little world.

[spaypets]

I'm sorry if I was unclear...

I'm not looking for remarks to be made to me, but I read the forums and adoption magazines and the reading material we were given in our adoption classes and it sounded as if we were going to be bombarded with intrusive remarks. Our social worker even asked us how we would handle such things.

I'm just interested in _why_ some people get tons of them and we haven't gotten any. It's not that we're unnoticed, that's my point. We live in a very homogenous area and as a result we get a lot of attention as a family. It's just that people have been unfailingly polite.

And in truth, it's not just here -- we've done a bit of traveling on the East Coast in both big cities and small since our daughter has been home and no where has anyone said anything intrusive. I will admit, I got a different vibe, however, when I was in Pennsylvania -- a lot fewer smiles, but perhaps that the difference between a rural area and an increasingly urban one.

I guess I'm trying to predict the kinds of situations where such remarks will be made because I want to be prepared so I handle them in a way that's appropriate for my daughter to witness. The problem is, when you're so used to people giving you compliments, you're doubly surprised when someone says something rude and too stunned to reply appropriately.

[LynMaria]

I believe that most of the time folks are just curious in a positive way....some have probably thought of, dreamed of, or know of someone who has adopted. Rude comments are typically from rude, ignorant oeople. I'm not sure about your situation, but maybe they're (neighbors) asking behind your back...they do that too. My first bio. son is much darker than I am and though I am brunette, I had colored my hair blonde when he was much younger. A neighbor, one I had never met, introduced herself to me and then said, "I heard through the grapevine that you have an adopted son." To my advantage, I had had a glass of wine. "Nope." I said "that was one affair I'll never regret!" Little did she or the neighbors know my son looks identical to his father though my husband was rarely seen as he was a pilot flying very unusual hours. I was the one always taking walks with my son or playing in the front yard. Our family has and is still growing and becoming even more ethnically diverse. There are times when I'm out with a friend, she will notice stares or whispers...I never notice them, but I really do believe they are good stares and whispers cuz' all of my kids are gorgeous, if I say so myself! Isn't it nice to know that there still exists politeness and tact in our world......some days I begin to wonder.

[LynMaria]

....being an adoptive parent, i too am curious at times about other families I come into contact with. I usually comment on what a beautiful family they are, and if they want they expound but most of the time they smile, say thank you and move on...pretty much what I do also unless I sense it is another adoptive or foster family cuz' i do love sharing experiences just as we, who have given birth, love to share our labor and delivery experiences. I would never make assumptions about any family that didn't "match" in appearance though.....guess I know too much!!

[joymom]

spaypets -- I've had this conversation with friends a number of times too... simply because I'm curious, not because I want to be paranoid

We live in a rural area, mostly cc, many hispanics, few other minorities. We have 2 aa children, and I have a friend who has a daughter from China (she lives in this same community). She has more wild stories than you would even believe. I have very few crazy tales (occasional wierd or inappropriate comments, but nothing like I had been lead to expect). My theory is that MY demeanor tends to be less than "fuzzy" to people I don't know...I've been told I don't make a very "friendly" first impression (more along the lines of, "don't mess with Mama Bear"!). My friend, on the other hand, is much more "open" and has crazy experiences in other areas of her life as well. So my idea is that oftentimes it has to do with the demeanor of the aparent. It may also be an issue of race (aa vs. chinese), and people's fascination with girls from China? Who knows.

I do think though, that in a small town it also has to do with sociology... its most likely that someone will associate with you and your friends/family often and that you will share "circles". This is much less likely in an urban area and I think people in urban areas (and therefore more diverse areas) have been shown to be more likely to share their mind.

[ninamo1]

For all of you out there who adopted, you have a choice... You can choose to adopt a child "identical to you" or not. As for how the rest of the community responds to this, that is their choice. So what can be done? Choose your friends wisely. Move to a community who is tolerent to diffences. Face the moroons out there who find it facinating to be un tactful.

Finally, for all of you out there who have chosen to adopt a child of a different ethnicity. Remember this, if your child was autistic, or had down syndrome, or was missing a limd or some other visually identifible thing, how would you behave. people would be asking the very same question, and why? Some because of curiosity, some are trying to be mean and nasty, and some don't really have anyother reason then to make conversation. Like how did you break that arm, or where did you get your hair done.... You can chose you responses, and you battles (if that is what you think they are).

Finally you do not have to stay in a place which makes your family unconfortable...you can move, get out... Now many of you may say this is not an answer, but I ask you this... how many people, families and childhood friends will your children encounter in such a community...is it worth the price? Is this the way to integrate, by allowing a child to grow up in an hostle environment or is this just your political agenda you are pushing forward.

I personally chose a mixed community for several reasons. Most importantly is the multicultural environment that we experience. Children grow up in groups with friends and familys of mixed backgrounds here. I would never choose to live in a clostered and bigoted community. I guess I would rather find another thing to direct my energy into...

nina

[redhedded]

I enjoyed your opening line about the fascination with the abomination and that not being your finest characteristic. We travel often. We have had overwhelmingly positive experiences with a few very negative experiences sprinkled in. Having said that, the ones we have had have been here in Los Angeles, which confirms joymom's theory. I, like her, while participating in the common salutations of a proper southern gal am not a particularly approachable and fuzzy person to those who do not know me; I do not have an air of openness with strangers. So I am certain that people do not take the liberty to share their thoughts with me as much as they might like to. I am impervious to their prying eyes and rude comments. While those in urban areas have "seen it all," they are much more likely, I believe, to share their feelings. Those who reside in small towns probably know someone who knows you; there is a much greater stigma of being perceived as hateful or worse, nosey. There is a greater pride in "proper" behavior and minding one's own business. Funny, we have had the most compliments about our "lovely" family and our beautiful daughter from older folks here and in the south.

I think many Americans are completely unaware of Eastern Indian culture, religion, experience, etc and probably have fewer preconceived notions. Most do not know a Sikh from a Sheik. A wonderful, likeable and well traveled very elderly Caucasian neighbor of ours in Texas once came into our yard and began speaking Spanish very fast to our group. We looked at one another; he was focused entirely on my brother in law. My Thai husband responded in Spanish to the general question. My brother in law laughed and said "I don't speak Spanish but we can speak Hindi if you like." The neighbor, a grand ole fella, laughed along with the rest of us. He clearly believed BIL to be Latino; this was so foreign to us.

[joymom]

Ninamo1 - I'm a little confused by your post... especially about living in a "cloistered and bigoted community"? Part of what I find interesting about this topic is that people ASSUME that a rural area will necessarily be "cloistered and bigoted" when in fact, we have found the opposite to be true. Urban areas have a reputation for being more "political" (which is fine), but our experience has been that we have more sideways looks in the city than we do here (as stated before). So, the city (which is more "integrated") seems to be a more "hostile environment". This is not necessarily a reason not to live in the city, but the arguement that multi-ethnic families should necessarily live in an urban area because of bigotry in the country doesn't wash.

I do not have a "political agenda" I am pushing, but I am diligent about being aware (and becoming more so) of issues re: race in our community as well as urban communities because it has a very important bering on our family. We have stayed put because this is an affordable, safe, friendly, welcoming place (and practical also as this is where my husband's job is). We would not keep our kids in a hostile, bigoted area. We are seeking their best interests to the best of our ability.

This thread was more to discuss a curiousity re: comments (or lack there of), not to grumble about things we could necessarily change by changing our location. Spaypets has never struck me as someone who would hesitate to do what was best.

Maybe I missed something?

Spaypets, thanks for the interesting topic. It's always interesting to chat with someone who seems to have similar experiences and hear how you've processed it.

[clurock]

This is a topic that I have thought about a lot! My two boys are both AA. My husband and I are VERY light! However, for the most part our community has been very open and accepting of our family! Most of the comments that we get are positive. We have, however, gotten some really nasty comments. Most are from elderly people who are not really "up to date" with how things are! My neighbor (elderly) came running over when we brought our first son home took one look and him and said, "oh well, he's cute anyway!" ANYWAY! What does ANYWAY mean! He is adorable! I have had elderly women in the store ask me why their REAL (hate that) moms did not want them. I have even had mother's not let their children play with mine at a play group!

With all this said and done, I try to avoid situations that may be uncomfortable for me and my children! I am not sure if the theory is correct, but I tend to be a really talkative, approachable person...maybe that is why we get so many comments! Like I said before, most of our experiences are very positive! Usually I have to protect my kids from people being TOO friendly!
With all said and done I would adopt 100 more of my precious angels if I could, however I think my husband would STRONGLY disagree with that plan!

[spaypets]

Joymom, thanks, your take on rural areas was exactly what I was trying to say. We're certainly not cloistered here -- just small!

Maybe there is something to the theory that the fact that DH and I are sort of prickly people and don't chat much, that people don't feel entitled to say rude things.

Indeed, the hardest part has been attracting so much attention, positive that it might be. DH says that the supermarket came to a halt yesterday as all the checkers clustered to admire my daughter. She's only 2 and I'm sure that when she's older and considerably less adorable that will stop.
She doesn't seem terribly fazed by all the admiration, so I don't feel as if we need to do anything about it.

[crick]

In my opinion, I think it's true of urban communities to question things more or make their opinions known. I also think that in more rural areas where minorities are few or rare, there's a basic assumption that a child of a different race is adopted and therefore there's no need to question anything. (whether the assumption is correct or not) Not to say they might not be talking about it behind your backs, but think it's less common to say anything to your face.

I also agree that your personality has a lot to do with it. If you are in a store and do not seem approachable, than I think society in general feels that and will not approach you even if they do have an opinion or question to ask.

When I take my 4 children out where we live, I get a lot of looks, many questions and some remarks. I've found though when I visit my family in rural South Dakota, I might get a few "how cute" looks, but mostly nothing. I think it's more acceptable or common in smaller communities to have a larger family, while in the suburbs, if you don't have the 2 kids, 1 pet, white picket fence, and the newest SUV, then OMIGOD! (not saying everyone in the suburbs is like this, so no offense) I find it hilarious at times and then other times it p***** me off because it's no one's place to judge my family.

Like you, I'm fascinated with this topic so good one to start!
Crick

[mlb]

I have gotten some comments from strangers as well as family members about our son. My husband's grandmother loves my son to death but still says "his real mother". I correct her every time; maybe someday it will sink in.
It is funny but I never get comments from my family. We approach our family as adoption being a part of our life, and we embrace that but do not constantly talk about it. My mother in law loves to tell people that we adopted, I really think for the attention. As a result, he gets a lot of attention from that side of the family that the other grandchildren do not get. I just had a conversation with my sister in law about how important it is for Zach to be loved for who he his, not how he came to be a part of our family. Why is he Zach, the child who was adopted from Kazakhstan? Do other mom's say,"This is John, the child I was in labor for 15 hours with."
I am sorry for getting on my soapbox, but I need a little advice, any ideas?

[RNmommy]

I don't know because I go through the same thing. My Dad loves my daughter with all his heart but he can't get the etiquette thing correct. He always says, "She looks like her mom" Meaning her birthmother, whom he knows...this hurts because I'M her mama. KWIM?
The most terrible thing that was said to me was after I announced I was pregnant (quite surprised to be, was told I never would be) At the time, adopted DD was about 16 months old. DH's "friend" said to me, "Oh, so you can take the first one back and get your money back!" It was supposed to be a joke, (He's a total idiot) But my god, did that hurt. I cried and cried. It was horrible, it was in a room full of people. Everyone was trying to comfort me but they kept making it worse, they kept bungling everything. My friend was trying to make me feel better, saying, "I know you love her the same as your real child" I said, "SHE IS my real child!" I was just sobbing...pregnancy hormones, you know, and the pervasive fear that my DD might feel displaced because we had another baby coming. I correct people all the time, although I try to do it nicely. I say with a smile, "You're looking at her!" When people ask who DD's real mom is.
A coworker said to me when I was 9 months pregnant, "I bet you are so excited to finally have your own baby!"
And I said, "I am excited to have this baby, yes, but I 'finally had my own baby' 2 years ago!"

[spaypets]

How long has Zach been part of the family? I ask because I think adoption is like a lot of things, the novelty of the adoption will eventually wear off and your MIL will be bragging about how he's the best swimmer in his class or already reading or whatever else grandparents say.

In our case, I think once DD has been in our family longer than the orphanage (another year), she'll just be another grandchild and not this new, exotic being.