[gela]

Redhedded,

I've only posted a few times, but I'm a loyal lurker. Anyway, I've seen a number of your posts (your baby is beautiful) and know you used A TLC Adoption. That is the agency we're using. Would you mind if I ask you some questions? If it's okay with you, I could either email, PM, or post here. Just let me know what your preference is.

Thanks in advance

[redhedded]

How great that you are using A TLC! We spoke to countless facilitators, networkers and worked with another agency before we found them. I am always happy to share information about our experience with A TLC; people on the street often inquire. They were wonderful. I am also happy to try to answer other questions you have about our experience. I do not, however, ever share any personal details about my daughter's adoption with anyone, as we feel strongly that it is her story to tell if and when she chooses. You may ask here or in a personal message.

[gela]

Redhedded,

Thanks for being open to my inquiries. I agree with you that your baby's personal story is hers to choose to share, and I would never ask those type of none of your business questions. My questions have more to do with the process.

Jane has had our packet of information since Dec 16. She said we would be snatched up quickly because I'm AA (dh is CC). Anyway, she said she had a bmom to give our profile to and she was really excited. That was on Dec 16. We haven't heard back from her. Do you think we should call? How often did you call to check your status? I don't want to be a huge bother to her, plus I know it's soooo early in the process. She had initially said we would get a match quickly, but then after re-reviewing our file she realized we desired a biracial baby (any AA + any other racial mixture) and said, that would take longer. That comment has really stuck with me. Maybe I should call her to see what she meant by "longer." What do you think?

Other questions
1. How long did it take you to be matched?
2. Have you ever met Jane in person?
3. If I recall your story accurately, you picked up your baby in TX? Were the bparents rights terminated before you picked her up or after? We'd prefer to pick up our baby only after the bparents rights have been terminated. Will this be an option?
5. Did you turn down any situations? We've already turned down one situation (Jane was not comfortable with it but felt obligated to present it to us anyway).

Okay, that's enough for now. I guess basically my main issue is how often to call Jane with these questions. As I said before, I don't want to become a pest to her.

Thanks again.

[redhedded]

The waiting is so so hard. The days seem like weeks and weeks like months. I think it is common to second guess yourself; did you choose the right agency, did you present yourself fully in your profile, have you opened yourself completely to the will of the universe? It is so natural. And once you have a failed match, the waiting seems even harder. I was working full time and had made a trans Atlantic leisure trip. Still, it was driving me crazy. My husband and I were very organized. When we found A TLC, we sent every document that they could have possibly wanted and so much more, because we had been approved and waited with the Gladney Center in Texas. Our first failed match was with Gladney, and that was the impetus to look for other options. I know Gladney had a policy of not informing you when your profile was shown, unless there were special circumstances, such as known health issues or something that really was in conflict with your preferences, then they would ask you. We did opt not to have our profile shown one time with them for such reasons. The policy was intended to prevent the roller coaster of hoping then being disappointed.

We were matched immediately with A TLC. After several weeks of terrific communication with a special expectant mom, we went to Utah to meet her. We had a great visit and met both Jane and Sandie. At first they seem too good to be true. With ten and seven children they have the energy of teenagers. This is not just their work but their passion. We visited Jane's home; they include the young women in their family gatherings if they are there with no support. They help with their other children when applicable. That match was not to be either. Very shortly we received the call about our daughter.

About choosing a biracial child: I suspect I know why this could take much longer. While A TLC does advertise, the majority of their birthmothers come from other agencies; A TLC will act as the referral agency and keep only a very small portion of the fee you are paying them. When another agency does not have approved waiting parents who are open to an AA newborn, they will contact TLC for profiles. Many of the other agencies may have waiting parents who are open to biracial children; therefore, they do not need the referral. All of the expectant moms who were living in Utah at the time of our visit (we did not meet but were told about them in conversation with our matched potential birthmother) were AA having AA babies. We were very open and wanted to make all considerations on a case by case basis.

Our daughter was not born in Texas; we are Texans transplanted in California. Parental rights were signed but a ten day revocation period was to follow. I know that some parents choose to wait instead of travel. That was not our choice. We felt that we had to be open and share those first days, regardless of the outcome. I think that preferring for rights to be terminated and for revocation period to expire might make your journey longer but might not. You would no longer be waiting for a "match" or open relationship but rather an agency choice, which I think happens a lot when birthmothers list some criteria then ask the agency to choose for them. You have to follow your heart and do what you have chosen is best for you.

We are very laid back and while I drove my husband wacky, I am not one to call unless I have a reason. If I had questions, I would make a mental note and ask all at once. I think that this time of year might be really slow in the adoption world. Having said all of that, I do not think Jane would ever perceive you as being a pest. Tell her you are anxious and want to know if there are any new developments. I would contact her just to make yourself feel better. Hope that helps.

[gela]

Wow, thanks for your response. You're right about me second guessing myself. I wonder if our profile is comprehensive enough, is our letter telling enough, are our criteria too stringent, etc, etc.

I found A TLC after searching for a few months. I began looking at adoption laws for various states and researched every single agency within the states I was interested in working. UT was one of those states (of course, I realize now our baby could be born anywhere; therefore, the laws from that state would apply). I requested info from roughly 30 or so agencies. I checked licensing boards, the BBB and various bulletin boards for feedback. The fees were also a consideration. After all was said and done, A TLC was tops and a couple of other agenices lagged not too far behind. We decided to submit our paperwork to A TLC only and if we're not matched by about March, we may submit to one additional agency. So far I'm happy with A TLC, and even more so after reading your reply.

Your remarks about the timing of bparents parental rights and revocation are intriguing. Dh and I are both open to a relationship with the bparents (if they so desire), we're just soooo afraid of dealing with the heartbreak should the bparents choose to parent their baby. I guess Dh and I need to talk about that more.

You mentioned that A TLC does some advertising but most referrals come from other agencies. Do you know whether they work with situations located by the potential aparents?

As far as a "biracial" baby, we are actually interested in a baby of any race or ethnicity except full CC or full AA. Our thinking is probably crazy to anyone else, and way too complicated to explain. With that said, we'd be deligthed to become a rainbow family (i.e., parents to asian, hispanic, biracial, triracial etc. children). However, I think A TLC only places full AA and AA + other race children, so that's how we decided on biracial. However, if that's going to make our wait significantly longer, we may have to re-think that.

I guess I'll give Jane a call on Monday to check the status. You're right about the holidays probably slowing everything down. I'll ask her some of the questions I posted here. I'll let you know what she had to say.

Your support through this is really appreciated.

[redhedded]

I looked at each avenue and considered the pros and cons. I tried to familiarize myself with the laws of various states. This is such an arduous and emotional journey; choosing an agency was a really hard part for us. I, like you, set a personal deadline; when it came and went, I decided to gather further information. I strongly believe that the decisions we make dictate the path that leads us to the outcome; there are many paths and many possible outcomes. I am unsure but would assume that TLC would be willing to work with a situation that you may find on your own. There would be some questions, like whether another agency was involved, would the expectant mother be willing to work with them, etc.

Many states have no revocation period following the required 24-72 hours after birth that consent can be signed. But you never know from where that call might come. I understand entirely your hesitation to put yourself out there without knowing the outcome.

Gela, I have a few other thoughts. I will send you a personal message.

[gela]

I remember reading somewhere that you remained in your baby's birth state for around 45 days. Did you feel prepared for that lengthy a stay? What had you packed? Can you recommend some must have items (I'd like to begin shopping now)? How much warning did you receive before you had to travel to pick up your baby? Have you remained in contact with Jane? I'm eager for Monday to get here, although it means I'll have to return to work. I have a page of questions for her, and I think if I can get her to answer these, it will go a long way in setteling my anxiety.