[Kazmum]

...I have a question, that on the outset, I promise you, I do not intend to offend anyone.

My husband and I, not surprisingly, are currently in the process of adoption. Perhaps more surprisingly, however, we've chosen adoption as our first choice in building our family -- while I love children, I've never been one of those women who needs to experience life growing inside of me. I'm not anti-pregnancy or anything -- if we got pregnant, that'd be great -- I'm just not someone who needs to experience pregnancy, and since there are a lot of kids out there who need homes, adoption seemed like a more logical path for us.

My question is this: are there any other reasons to have biological children OTHER than to feel the experience of pregnancy and childbirth? I guess I'm asking if there are any other reasons to give birth to a child that adoption would not fulfill.

Again -- no offense intended, I'm just really curious, having been a person that never seriously considered childbirth myself!

Thanks in advance -- and apologies in advance if my question offends!

K.

[LynMaria]

Hi Kazmum. I know many people, some directly related to me, who cannot and will not love a child that is not of their own blood. I am asked so often..."How can you love a child that is not of your blood?" Though i respect their honesty and am **** glad they don't choose to foster or adopt, I just can't fathom that way of thinking. I will never understand it nor do I waste time trying to. We have two beautiful bio. sons, ages 15 and 9 who are my life. We have also adopted our 3yo foster daughter who is my life. i can speak for my husband also on both accounts. Yes, the birthing experience was awesome and surreal. And when my little M was placed in my arms at 6 weeks of age as only my foster daughter, the feeling was awesome and surreal. There was not a whole lot of difference in the elation of each experience. This Monday we will be taking in a little 20 month old girl, who we provided respite care for last month, as our foster child. I am going through the same domestic feelings and actions I did with my other 3 children...cleaning.....introspective...cleaning.. ...overjoyed....cleaning.....setting up nursery...cleaning....spending too much money...get my drift !! I applaud you and your husband for the choices you have made based on the well being of children. If you were to conceive also...how awesome that would be. We are Catholic so the conception part was left for a more All-knowing One. I was not a happy pregnant person...sick, big, tired, and a drag to be around. But once those boys were placed in my arms, I quickly forgot all the misery though my husband did not!! Where am I going with all of this...? I believe adoption CAN BE and IS as fulfilling as birthing. If I were Einstein , Mozart or Van Gogh...I guess i would feel compelled to birth my children...but obviuosly I'm not and I'm not a vain person so another's blood is as red and as loveable as my own and my husband's and actually even moreso !! I pray your child(ren) will get home to you soon the way they are meant to get home to you. God Bless.

[OllieT]

I have never given birth to a child before, but I am a mommy who's currently trying to adopt my foster child. Before I became a FM, I used to want to feel what was like to give birth, and sometimes still do, but it doesn't mean that my life will end if I never got pregnant. Besides it's all about the children. I get the child without the pain cuz let's face it, I don't believe that lie they tell about forgetting the pain. There's not a pain I ever felt that I forgot about and the fact of pushing a baby's body that is way larger than a tampon through that little opening on my body can't begin to convice me of forgetting about some. I think it's great that you"d rather adopt that birth.

[amom4life]

Hi K,
I did give birth to my son at the age of sixteen and I have an adopted daughter. I feel the same about both of them.

I'm also not a person who needs to experience pregnancy, labor, and birth to love a child. I've never cared about the whole carrying on the family name thing enough to say it could only happen through a bio child. As far as I'm concerned any child of mine can carry on the family name no matter how they became a part of the family. I also could care less if my children look like me or dh.

Our desire to parent and our goals in parenting go far beyond these type of things.

The only thing I can say about having bio children is that barring any major problem IMO it is much easier than adoption but it doesn't change the outcome.
Judy

[moominmama]

Originally posted by amom4life
The only thing I can say about having bio children is that barring any major problem IMO it is much easier than adoption but it doesn't change the outcome.

This is why I have a bio-son.

When I met my husband, we originally planned on having two birth children and then adopting at least two children. I worked with children professionally and knew that it was pretty darn easy to fall passionately in love with a child who is not related to you by blood!

Anyway, after our son turned three, we began trying for another and found out that having another bio child wasn't an option. We went through four rounds of clomid and when presented with the next step (injectables), we decided that adoption looked a lot easier and so we decided to adopt.

I think that comparing adoption to creating biological children is definitely apples to oranges. Neither is better, neither is worse and they're both great ways to raise a family. But some people have a favorite taste for apples and some have a favorite taste for oranges. And then there are some people who only want a nice familiar apple and think that oranges are just way too much trouble what with all that peeling and everything. (Could I carry this awkward metaphor any further??? I better quit now!!!)

I guess what I'm saying is that no, I don't see any reason for anyone to have a bio kid unless s/he is led to have one and his/her body can make one. What some people don't seem to understand is that while have a bio child is its own unique thing with its own unique advantages, I'm finding that adoption is also its own unique thing with its own unique advantages. I feel so lucky to get to adopt and I've actually come to the point where I'm grateful that my infertility stepped in and reminded me of my plans to adopt.

I feel very fortunate to get to build my family both ways because I am greedy for new experiences!


Dawn
blathering on

[stephaniemlou]

We quit the infertility stuff earlier than we had to, and I wanted to adopt at least some of my kids anyway, so I guess I did choose not to have any bio kids. I also chose to have a total hyster in March (severe endometriosis pain), even though people kept telling me I could still get pregant. My mom didn't get it. Best thing I ever did.

Just my two cents.

We had had 3 miscarriages and then got word that we could foster a prison baby - in the meantime we also got pregnant. I was able to see our foster baby 12 months after birth, we went to the hospital every day to see him until he was released and brought him home.

Six months later our bio son was born. The experiences were similar except that I was more alert after the birth of the foster baby. But as far as feelings, they were the same. Only your head knows the difference, the heart doesn't.

It is unique to see our bio son and discuss which side of the family he looks like or acts like. But we always did the same thing with our foster baby (and he was actually a different race) - it didn't matter - we treated them the same.

Go with your heart!

[mckenna]

i had a very interesting experience this weekend. i don't have any biological children, nor have i tried to have bio children. i do have an adopted son and a foster daughter. a bunch of my friends from high school got together over the holiday. within this year, 4 of them have had babies and i finally adopted my foster son (i have had him for 2 1/2 years). anyway, i bonded to him and all my foster children almost immediatly. regardless of how long they stayed or were supposed to stay. one of my friends whose daughter is 2 months old still feel like she has not bonded to her daughter (she probably has a moderate case of post-partum depression). anyway, it really proved to be that biology does not equal immediate attachment.

[Wendy 33]

Dh and I have four biological children and are in the process of adopting our fifth. There is no doubt in our minds that we can love our adopted child as we love our bio children. All I wanted to point out is what a beautiful thing it is that God shows the way for each of us to grow our families the way he has planned for us. I just think that some folks get hung up on what they feel is His original way to have a baby. Does that make any sense?

Wendy

[LynMaria]

......and that's a beautiful way to a family too.

[spaypets]

Our path to adoption was different from most.

I spent most of my adult life and most of my marriage not wanting to be a mother. I was curious as to how being pregnant felt, however. I just didn't want the baby in the end.

Funny, when we realized we'd changed our minds and wanted to become parents, I wasn't so curious about pregnancy any more. Adoption was our first choice because we knew we wouldn't get pregnant without medical intervention. We briefly, in the interest of exploring all our options, considered medical intervention and I suddenly became aware of the sacrifices I'd have to make to be pregnant (not drinking, not taking cold medicine etc.). I mean, they're all worthy things to do and it's not like I'm a big drinker or anything, but it seemed like a drag. Plus, two years ago I lost nearly 40 lbs and I really was scared about gaining back the weight.

Do I miss having a child that looks like DH and me --not really. Our daughter is more beautiful and much more cheerful than her naturally cranky, average looking parents. I don't think any kid we made would be as neat as this little girl. She certainly would be this beauty.

And, as I mentioned on another thread a while back, she picks up our mannerisms -- she wrinkles her nose when she smiles like I do, holds her hands like DH and even sticks out her tougue when her diaper's being changed like her papa does when he is changing her or concentrating! So she does look like us, even though she doesn't.

[briandnic]

I am an adopted child as well as a birth mom. For me I consider my mom very lucky for not having to go through all that pregnancy stuff! I was one of those women who's hormones went crazy and I couldn't stand to be around myself because I was so miserable. I used to say that I wouldn't wish pregnancy on my worst enemy. Of course the final product was worth it, but I dont see anything wrong with what you are feeling. And besides, who wouldn't want to have a child that doesn't stretch out your body! I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide!

[Dillon]

I went through the fertility treatments and am currently going through it again. (We have military insurance and have to see a specific DR He went straight to the injectables. I got pregnant with my son on clomid and my first IUI. I think this Dr skips clomid due to $ very expensive for the military. When I have an IUI I have to pay for the meds which can be as high as $3000 and $300 for the meds) We had my son (it will be 4 yrs on the 25th) It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I had wanted him for so very long and my pregnancy was wonderful. No morning sickness. During the 8th month I felt like an alien was living in me all the movement made me a little nuisious (sp) but it was a reasurrance he was alive. I went my whole pregnancy parinoid something was going to happen. In the end he was wedged on my pelvis and wouldnt decend so I never effaced or dialated. C-section. I highly recommend it. No pain. Spinal tap is scary. And feeling coming back into your limbs while they are sewing you up makes you nervous. And taking that first step the next day was painful.

All in all I remember his tiny face and thought what a beautiful perfect thing I had produced. I had told my father My Son was the best feeling in the world. I for the first time felt a never ending love.

Yes we are doing fertility treatment but we are also starting the adoption process. My husband would like to have 6-10 kids. I told him I am in my 30 one more may happen. We had discussed adoption before my son. I jumped in hole heartedly. I love kids and I think they all deserve love and stability and a chance to be a kid and to grow as an individual. I also have a strong belief that It is a cruel world to bring children into and we should help those on earth have a better life.

All in all it is your decision. I look forward to adopting children as much as I look forward to being pregnant.

My dream is to own a ranch have a ton of kids and to adopt as long as my husband and I are capable of raising kids.

Dont let yourself feel bad are think yourself bad for not wanting a birthchild. Remember God has a purpose and a plan for everyone. Yours may be for a child that is in need of a forever family.

[woodstock2u]

I was adopted as an infant. My adopted mother and father were my parents! I always knew that I was adopted.

After we were married, it took us 5 years to conceive our son. We have suffered secondary infertility. We are hoping to adopt a sibling group. If we are blessed with these children, I know that I will love them as much as my bio. son.

I agree that God has a plan for each of us.

[Barksum]

We thought we'd be a childless couple, hadn't planned on anything else. We had a surprise bio baby, and were told it would be best to not do that again. We thought we'd be a one child family...and now have 3 children and are hoping to adopt a 4th. I, too, was a horrible, miserable, disgustingly ill pregnant person. I waddled from about 8 weeks after conception. I only 5'3" and gained 50 lbs. Heartburn, inability to breathe, couldn't drive, plus medical complications. I'm probably not the person to talk with about whether or not you should have a biological child! LOL I did enjoy knowing that my little baby was the one jumping around (incessantly) in there, and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. I'm glad that I did get to be pregnant and have her because she is a wonderfully unique and beautiful person. The process of her arrival was less than pleasant, though.

From a medical perspective adoption was WAY easier. From an emotional perspective they were about the same. Both were (are) very stressful for me, highs and lows on an emotional roller coaster of emotions. The children are very worth all the ups and downs, both physical and emotional.

As to how I feel about my biological child and adopted children I can honestly say there is no difference. The following little confession with illustrate this well: I was eating lunch with my DH one day and I looked over at him and said, "If we'd had a child together, what do you think they'd look like?" Poor DH just stared at me for a minute, probably to assess if my mind was visibly dribbling out anywhere. Very quietly and calmly -- so as not to upset my obviously fragile state, I'm sure -- he said, "We did have a child together and she looks like DD."