[stephaniemlou]

We had a perfect adoption with our 2 1/2 yo son, but our newest birthmother was due at the beginning of December, so we flew to Texas to meet her and await the birth. The day we were to meet her at the agency, she didn't show, so the director tracked her down. She'd delivered the baby 6 days before and not told anyone. I was ok but upset, everyone said I was handling it well, but the past few days have been so teary for me. I know it's the holidays and the depression passes, but please tell me that others have been devastated, too. Not that I want others to be devastated...

We are now matched with another ** who's due in Feb, and it is a much different and open relationship, but I cannot get excited yet. I guess I just want to know how much longer these tears of disappointment will last.

Sorry so long, especially from someone so new to this site!

-Stephanie

[stephaniemlou]

Apparently I inadvertantly used an abreviation for birthmother that matched something not to be used... Sorry. I was not cursing her!

-Stephanie

[Sharon]

Stephanie,
I'm sorry you're feeling upset. The holidays are difficult, one way or the other, for many of us touched by adoption. It seems that the whole world is happy, and it only exacerbates our sadness, or makes us feel selfish for being sad. But you are not the only one who isn't feeling great right now; there are others on this forum who understand.
I'm glad you've already found a new situation and are matched with another p-bmom. I think you are wise not to get too excited. It is hard to deal with disappointment after disappointment without becoming numb, and you must protect your heart a little, so that you have something left when your baby finally comes.
Sometimes potential birthmoms change their minds. I wish I could tell you differently, but it happens; we all know it happens.
Other times, they don't. They follow through with their adoption plans. Sooner or later, if you are patient and determined, you will be matched with a birthmother who will not change her mind; that will be the baby that's meant for you.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas; you have every right to be disappointed and sad... but you also have every reason to be hopeful, or at least cautiously optimistic, about this new situation. It could very well turn out to be the one .
I'm sorry that the potential birthmother in your previous situation neglected to inform you in a timely manner that she had changed her mind. In my opinion, that was very wrong, and I'm sure that it added to your disappointment and sorrow. If your new match is much more open, hopefully the p-birthmom will at least give you the courtesy of keeping you informed about what's going on.
I wish you the best, and even if this Christmas isn't the happiest, keep in mind that next Christmas may be... there's every reason to be optimistic that you will have a new baby by next Christmas.
Best wishes to you, ~ Sharon

[stephaniemlou]

sharon,

thanks for your sweet support.

Happy Holidays, Stephanie

[georgiagirl]

Stephanie,

I went through a couple of situations that did not work out before I adopted my son. Both of them were around Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Needless to say, I did a lot of crying and rented a lot of movies to get through the holidays. One was a fake situation with a facilitator just making up info to string aparents along. (Restitution of fees has been made and she finished her prison term earlier this year.) In the other situation, the potential bmom was real, but she never intended to place (did not find out until she was due).

At that point, I seriously considered pulling out of the adoption journey. I felt that I needed to continue the journey, because I had so much invested in the process. I realized that I did not have to have a child by the holidays or on Mother's Day. Whenever I became a mother, any day would be Mother's Day and/or Christmas. As I continued searching for other possible situations, I developed a more balanced perspective and learned not to "put all of my eggs in one basket".

I received a lot of on-line support and stayed in contact with other adopting parents. I hope this helps you to know that others understand your feelings because lots of us have been there. My heart goes out to you. I hope this helps.

[amom4life]

Hi Stephanie,
I don't know if you know anything about our story but Dh and I have been through a lot in December alone. First we were matched with a birthmother who delivered December 11th. We watched this child be born and were the first to hold him then she changed her mind because her parents were pressuring her to keep him. Then less than a week later we were told of an expectant mother in Texas who was interested in us and she was due in Feb. This last Sunday we were informed that she had the baby and we would be getting a call on Monday.

We got the call that she had chosen us but I was given a heads up from our facilitator that her mom had been giving her a hard time about her decision and so were her four sisters. I shared our concerns about this with the expectant mother and she said she would just deal with it because she was strong in her convictions to place her child. About an hour later she called our facilitator to say she was keeping the baby.

So yes others have been devasted. My faith in God is what gets me through as well as faithful friends and family.

We're struggling with feelings too that we don't want to have. It is very difficult for dh and I to be excited right now even about getting the next call because we start to think that the same thing is going to happen again. We are so on guard now, we don't feel like we can truly be ourselves with other expectant mothers because of being so guarded. It's going to be a lot harder to trust what anyone says. I hope this lessens because the expectant mother who does choose us and sticks with her plan doesn't deserve this from us.

I think at this point we would probably switch to International adoption because it doesn't involve the risk of the expectant mother changing her mind. But...we already have a lot invested financially in domestic adoption and I don't want somone else raising my child for most of the first year of his/her life.

We are going to continue forward trusting that God does have a baby for us and an expectant mother who won't change her mind. It is harder but I think all of this is making us stronger too.

This is very tough stuff to go through but I believe it will happen for us and it will happen for you if we don't give up! I hope and pray that your new match for Feb. will be the one!

Hugs,
Judy

[Support2Adopt]

Stephanie,
I know this may sound crazy, but please consider yourself lucky to be matched again so quickly. I understand your apprehension. However, please know there are those who have a failed adoption and have to wait years to be matched again and in some cases, give up because they are not matched again quickly.
Your tears are normal, but if this situation goes through for you, your tears will be repaced by smiles for your new baby.
JJ

[Ranger1]

I'm new to this so I can't relate but I'm sure I will once I get further into the process. I can just tell you how sorry I am that this happened and that I hope everything works out for you soon.
The holidays are tough. Chin up. We are here for you. I am sending you a hug.
Don't lose the faith.
Lisa