[Xmansmom]

I am fairly new to the boards, and would like to first take a minute to say hello and wish everyone a very Happy holiday season.

I am in need of some advice... I am a single aparent of the most beautiful little boy. He is 5 months old and is the light of my life. I have a semi open adoption with his birthmother. Everything was great up until about a month ago. We were sending letters and pictures back and forth 2 or 3 times a month. I feel very close to her, and always look forward to hearing from her. About a month ago, she started sending letters talking about how she was his (my son's) real mom, his first mom, about how she gave me the title of mom for now, but that she would always be his mother, ect. This really upset me. I talked it over with my family and social worker, and it was decided that the agency would discuss this with her and help her to establish boundaries. My family is not very supportive of me having a relationship with her. They feel like it doesn't help her to constantly hear about the baby and see pictures of him. They feel like she hasn't gotten through the greiving and acceptance of the situation, and to keep telling her of everything that he is doing is not helping. The agency asked that I send only one letter every few months and keep it not very in depth with only one or so pictures, for awhile. I felt horrible about this. This is the girl that made me a mom and without her, I would not have my precious son, how can I be that way to her? I have done as they have asked, and have not gotten a letter from her in over a month now. With the holidays here, I guess I am feeling even worse about the situation. Am I doing my son an injustice? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Merry Christmas!!!

[cathy102]

That is a hard one..I just got back from FL and our son is 9 days old. Yes, that is true that the birthmom is the first mom but that doesn't mean that she is THE MOM..You are the one she chose to adopt her little boy. I have a 15 month old and I am her mom. I respect both of my children's bithmom's so much. Whn they chose me to parent, that means that I am the mom now..

Maybe she is just going through so much right now because of the Holidays? How old is your son? All you can do is keep sending pictures and letters every 2 months. I would still write what you want and send as many pictures, also. I don't think 1 or 2 pictures is enough..

Just try to put yourself in her position. We will NEVER understand what they went through to allow us to parent their child. Just try and be there for her. Your family can't give you advice because they will never understand adoption like we do..

I hope everything work out..Hugs to you and Happy Holidays..

Cathy

[amom4life]

Hi,
I would have to say that I disagree with your family because you should have a relationship with your son's birthmother if that is what all of you have decided you want.

However I do think that the birthmother is steping over her bounderies and may not even fully understand open adoption. It sounds to me like she doesn't. Almost like she views you as your son's temporary mom.

So I'm glad that your social worker plans to educate her about how open adoption works and the bounderies. Although i feel that should have been done before she made an adoption plan.

And I agree with your social worker that backing off some may really be in the best interest of the birthmother and everyone else.
Judy

[Xmansmom]

Cathy

thanks for the advice. You are absolutely right...no one understands adoption like we do. no one in my family has ever had problems with infertility, it alawys came easy for them. I feel so thankful for my son's birthmom, no one in my family understands that i guess. It is nice to talk to other people who know just how I feel. Congrats on your new little one. I imagine you are going to be very busy!!! What a blessing right at Christmas time. Merry Christmas to your new larger family!!!

Thanks for the advice.

[Sharon]

I think you should speak (or write) to her very frankly and tell her that you interpreted her letter as hostile, that she is entitled to her opinions just as you are entitled to yours, but that you will not allow her to belittle you. If she has opinions concerning you not being a "real mother", then you do not wish to hear them, just as you would not subject her to a tirade about her not being a "real mother".
Tell her that you feel it is in your son's best interest that the two of you communicate civilly with one another, not work at cross-purposes. After all, you both love him.
Tell her that in the future, you would prefer that correspondence be polite, cordial, and confined to news and discussion of your son. If she has personal issues, she needs to seek qualified professional help, not use your correspondence as a venue to work through them. You are not a punching bag, nor a sounding board for her feelings about motherhood. If she wants to vent, maybe you should refer her to this forum, or one of the numerous other on-line support resources for birthmothers.
Best of luck to you, ~ Sharon

[Sledge]

I am an adad of an ason we adopted just over a year ago. Our situation was a little different because we did an in family adoption and some of the family members had a difficult time with us becoming the mom and dad. The bmom treated us as the temperary parents and was upset when she heard him calling us mom and dad. She pretty much quit talking to us about 9 months ago until about a week ago, she decided that she wanted to see him the weekend before xmas. That went horrible, she brought her abusive boyfriend (she says that he does not hit her anymore, been at least a month since he has done so) and our ason wanted nothing to do with either of them (we convinced him that the visit would be fine, he would not touch or talk to him, lets just visit the bmom and that would be it). Ason sat on amoms lap almost the entire time, we will not force him to see his bmom anymore (especially if she is going to bring bfriends like this one on the visits), it will be 100% up to him when he wants to see her.If bmom is not being nice to you, you may have to do the hard thing and limit communication. You are not her punching bag for her emotions, there are a lot of people out there that she can talk to about her feelings. All you need to focus on is raising your child, around the holidays is hard on everybody especially the bfamily.
Sharon did give some good advice on sending a letter about how you feel, I agree that would be a good start. That way she knows exactly how you feel. If she does not listen to you and continues sending negative or uncomfortable letters back you can feel better about whatever decision you make because you will know that you put forth the effort to work with the bmom.

At first my family was against us adopting (we have two bio kids before the adoption) especially this child, but after a while everybody in my family told us that we did the right thing and they are glad that we did it. Some of my inlaws still don't like what we did but they do not relize that if we didn't adopt him he would have went through the system and they would have never seen him again. None of them wanted him and the bmom basically told everybody that it was not her choice to give up her kid, (she is right, social services made the choice for her). Do what your heart tells you is right, all parents make mistakes. You are going to make good and bad decisions, but remember they are your decisions, there is no handbook with all the answers, just family, friends and message boards like this one to help out.

[bromanchik]

I do not see her as being hostile, I see her as struggling to figure out where she fits in. At this stage, birthparents are acutely aware of what they are not, but have no idea as to what they are. Figuring out what we are to our children is one of the most difficult tasks birthparents face. After all there are no birthparent role models to fashion ourselves after.

Cutting down contact is not always the best plan when you are trying to develop a relationship. I think it will only serve to alienate.

[tobeafamily]

I agree with Brenda. In our society, there is no real 'term' for biological parents who voluntarily surrender their parental rights. Some call them 'real moms', some 'first moms', some 'birth moms', etc. There's no framework here for her to reference, and she is grieving, as happy as she may sound to hear from you.

I'd suggest talking with her about how yes, she will always be your child's first mother, the one who carried him in her body and loved them enough to give them the parents she wasn't ready to be. Then suggest you both come up with a 'name' for her that our child can use that hopefully represents what she is in their life, without confusion. Give her a 'special' name. Then ask her what she thinks.

I would not reduce or eliminate contact based on this, especially if your goal is to have a healthy long term relationship. Instead, offer some empathy and suggestions.

IMHO

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[raisinette]

What if, after almost 2 years, the bmom continues to overstep set boundaries, even to the point of visibly our child? We've tried everything (I think!) and nothing gives! She refuses to go to counseling and badgers us to go way beyond the original adoption agreement (which we have to the point of unbelief) and then when we tell her no on something, she tells us we owe it to her because she gave us her baby, or tells us we scammed her to just get the baby! She won't see how this is just a bad relationship all the way around and especially for our dd. If she's doing this to us, she won't hesitate to do it to dd in the future. I've seen her do it to every one of her family members. I feel awful saying these things about her, but I'm at my wits' end.

[michellemartin]

First, I suggest writing a letter even if you dont send it. A letter technique I use from Dr. John Gray (author of men are from mars) though...

Start with what makes you angry. Let it all out.
I dont like...
i resent...
I feel frustrated...
I feel angry...
I want...

Next feeling is sadness,
It hurts...
I feel dissapointed...
I feel sad...
I feel unhappy...
I wish...

Then comes Fear,
I feel worried...
I feel afraid...
I feel scared...
I need...

Then remorse and apologies,
I apologize...
I feel embarrassed...
I am sorry...
I feel ashamed...
I am willing...

Last is love and understanding,
I love...
I appreciate...
I realize...
I forgive...
I would like...
I trust...


Then next step I suggest that you let her know exactly what she is doing that you dont approve of. And let her know exactly what steps you will take if the behavior continues. I hope it works out for you.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Dr. John Gray is great! I love him more than Dr. Phil. Big time!

Awesome post!

Good luck raisinette!

[dl]

She refuses to go to counseling and badgers us to go way beyond the original adoption agreement (which we have to the point of unbelief) and then when we tell her no on something, she tells us we owe it to her because she gave us her baby, or tells us we scammed her to just get the baby! She won't see how this is just a bad relationship all the way around and especially for our dd. If she's doing this to us, she won't hesitate to do it to dd in the future. I've seen her do it to every one of her family members.

IMO, this behavior is not what I would want my child exposed to. The fact that she not only treats you in this manner but every one of her family members seems to show that it is her personality and not necessarily even related to adoption.

In the book Stand Up For Your Life by Cheryl Richardson, there is an entire chapter on setting strong boundaries. You might find it helpful. Best of Luck!

[raisinette]

Thank you for all your helpful suggestions. We are meeting with her this week to, once again, talk to her about all of this and let her know that the visits must go back to being held with a mediator at the agency. She will not be happy with this, but after the last meeting (un-mediated) and seeing how my daughter responded to her, I feel this is best. We've only done one other mediated meeting and dd would actually sit in her lap and talk to her. At the un-mediated meeting, she would have NOTHING to do with her, no matter how hard we tried. I really think she sensed the bmom's hostility towards us. HMPH! Thanks again, you all!