[bxldo]

Hi,

I've been looking at fostering/adopting an older child (16+). I have many questions. Here's a few:

I'm 52 is that an issue? (My wife is 37).

How does the "getting started" process change when you are looking for an older child?

There doesn't seem to be many profiles for children of that age. Is this true or is there a reason?

Most of the profiles are from out of state (Ma.). Do children want to move? How do you get to know them?

Thanks,

Matt

[DianeS]

Wow, what an unusual decision!

As JuliannaTeresa said, the "getting started" part isn't any different. You call the same people, have the same orientation, same training, same homestudy.

Very few people choose to foster or adopt children of that age, so I imagine your choice will be a relief to a caseworker. So many children that age end up in group homes or shelters simply because of the lack of homes.

Do your own (extensive) research about "hurt" children. 16 year olds and 6 year olds can both be hurt the same way, but a 16 year old can cause much more damage if he/she chooses to act out about it. Learn ahead of time what to expect, and how to respond, and what your rights are as far as calling police, having a child removed, getting a lawyer to defend you against false accusations, etc. Those are the things DFS won't teach you. (If you get an easy child you won't have to worry about those. But if the DFS workers could tell ahead of time which children were easy and which were difficult, then half the foster parents out there would have fewer problems. It really is a guessing game until the child has lived with you for a while.)

One thing you'll run in to is that in most states, older teenagers have some say in the type of home in which they'll be placed, as well as a say in whether they'll be adopted or remain a long-term foster child. You might be turned down by a child because of your age, color, religion, location of home, etc. Or, you may be presented with a child who is willing to be fostered by you, but so far has refused to be adopted.

Note: children who don't want to be adopted, or who are iffy about that choice, are often not listed on photolistings. That's one reason there might not be too many listings of them in your area. Another is that older children like that aren't chosen for adoption very often, so perhaps the workers simply haven't prepared their profiles.

Sometimes children are willing to move, sometimes they're not. Depends on the child and the situation. If you're matched with a child out of your area, it will probably be your responsibility to travel to meet the child. If the child agrees at that point, he/she will probably make a trip to your house before officially moving there. But every situation is different, so after you're matched just go with the flow and see what happens.

Good luck! I'll be looking forward to seeing how it all works out for you.

[bxldo]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your knowledge.

Our decision was categorized as "unusual". Does everyone think this?

Can anyone point me to statistics of older matches and subsequent problems? ... to legal resources?

I'll spend some time now trying not to be scared off.


Matt

[DianeS]

LOL! You weren't supposed to be scared off. By "unusual" I meant just that - not typical.

Most people prefer to adopt infants.
Fewer people prefer to adopt elementary-school-aged children.
Even fewer people prefer to adopt teenagers.
It's just a statistic, and if adopting a teenager is what you want to do, then the statistics of how many other people do the same thing shouldn't worry you too much.

Some good resources include the "Foster Care & Adoption" boards and the "Special Needs" boards here at AdoptionForums. Most teenagers available for adoption are in the foster care system, and all foster children over the age of toddlerhood are considered special needs, since almost 100% children in foster care are the survivors of severe abuse or neglect, and those older than toddlerhood were old enough to remember being treated that way.

Some books include "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child", both by Keck and Kupecky. There's more really good books that escape me at the moment, but you can start there.

Good luck!

[Support2Adopt]

Hi Matt!
Your age shouldn't be an issue. There are people on their 40's and even 50's who adopt babies. The fact that you want an older child should even open up more doors.
Are you open to race as far as adopting a child goes? Throughout the US, there are a number of teenage children who need forever homes.
Have you called your local DSS yet?
JJ

[JuliannaTeresa]

I would not call what you want unusual!

I think it is more what do you want to give a Teenager and yourselfs?

My Agency, when I first started. Had a mandatory requirement of with Kids who are under 4 required one Parent to stay at home. Having Teenagers fits more comfortably into my needs with this!

My Daughters and Sons' Educations are the World to me! I love the fact that I can be their Advocate with this!

I think the subsequent problems are as Parents lack of education and not knowing or denial of what to expect! These Kids are perceived as 'very broken'!

[maimms]

Hello Matt,

I recently adopted a 12 yr old girl from the foster care system. She was from Connecticut and I live in NY.... she was more than willing to move. I am a 55 yr old single women, and I wanted to adopt a teenager. We met, spent several days/overnights together, then she moved in on Nov 25th. So far, things are going very well. It is challenging and I sometimes feel overwhelmed at this change taking place in my life, but I am committed to her and she is a gift.

People willing to adopt older children are considered 'golden' by adoption professionals, as there are many older children available for adoption in the US and, statistically, the older the children get, the less likely it is that they will get adopted.

My recommendation to you and your wife is to do your homework. There are many resources available on the internet to learn about the adoption process. I went through an agency called Downey Side....they have offices in several states including NY. MA, MO.... they are terrific. I went through the photolistings, and reading about some of the children can really be frightening. I was ultimately matched with a child that was not listed, and when I read her profile, I felt nothing....but I decided to keep an open mind and learn more about her. It is true that older children come with a variety of 'issues', but I am amazed at how truly resilient they are.

As you learn more and more about these 'special' children, it can seem overwhelming and scary, but you will get past it. So, if this is something you want to do, go for it..... there's a daughter or son out there waiting to join your family!

Best of luck to you.
Marge....new mom to Sandy.

[bxldo]

Hi All,

Opening your replies was the best gift of all.

Thank-you and bless you for caring.

I'll keep you posted.

Matt