[enerad]

Well here is the situation. Somewhat of a long story.

We are leaving for a vacation to celebrate our 20 year wedding anniversary on December 25 and not coming back until January 4.

Two weeks ago.... our neighbors came running across the street in the evening with an possible adoption situation. They work with the Catholic church. Very sad... both parents have died and the baby is only 4 weeks old, and supposable the family wants nothing to do with the baby. Baby is in the care of a neighbor at this time, who is becoming very stressed. The family is in extreme grief from what everyone is being told, and the priest associated with the family is a kind gentle soal and not want to put pressure on the family. The baby is just being cared for.

Anyway... they rushed our profile to the nun they have been having communications with and she keeps saying it about time to talk with the family. Our profile might have already been given to them.

We don't know what to do. Luggage is out... we are going on a cruise. We scheduled it very last minute because of our adoption,( the week before all this came into light) and both need some much needed R&R. Everyone says go!!! If something happens with the baby they will take care of it. Friends offer to take care of the baby. The neighbors (ironically are going on a cruise a day after we are), say his sister will take care of the baby.

It's not a done deal. We've been patiently waiting, and I keep thinking it will fade away into the sunset like other situations, but each few days past.... everyone keeps saying.... hang in there.... not in the situation has changed.

The neighbor and I are both educators. We keep saying the baby needs to bond, but the other people involved are concerned about the family.

What to do?

Darene

[mom2alex]

Oh Darene that is a really tough one. Is there any way you can reschedule the cruise? Even if it is their policy not to, perhaps if you contacted them they might make an exception. If it was just a vacation (on land) I'd say go, since you could always get a flight back if need be. I have trouble just telling you to go. I am not really sure what I would do given the situation.

How incredibly sad for that poor baby. Why is the family so insistent on placing for adoption...just curious?

[tobeafamily]

Darlene,

From what you've written, I can't see where this would be an immediate placement. The family may or may not have been approached, may or may not be truly making an adoption plan for this child, may or may not have the legal right to do so, depending on whether the parents made wills before they died and named a guardian for this child. A lot of what you're hearing is heresay, so it may or may not be accurate. The fact that the family is in extreme grief makes any reaction they have unpredictable.

IMHO Go on the cruise. Take a cell phone that will work out there or make sure there is a way you can always be contacted. If need be, you can get off at a port early & fly home. Focus on that much needed R & R and trust that if this is your baby, they will find a way to get in touch with you and you will make it home in time.

IMHO,

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[taggrr2]

Given all the uncertainties, I would go. Certainly, I would ask the neighbors to let whoever is in contact with the family to let them know what is happening.

[bumpkin]

Perhaps you could contact an adoption attorney. As mentioned by someone else, the relatives may not have the legal right to choose a parent for this baby. I think an attorney could give you a time line, which may be 30 or 60 days before a decision can be made, and if they died without a will, it will be made by a court. If the family gives you the go ahead at some point, sounds like the people caring for the baby will let you bond with the baby. Best of luck to you

[amom4life]

Hi ,
Add another one in favor of the R&R on the cruise. It does sound like this situation has a lot of variables and probably a decision will not be made quickly. You're not really going to be gone all that long anyway but if something does come up you'll find a way to get home.
Judy

[enerad]

Thanks everyone!!! Down in my heart.... I know that if this is the right situation it will happen. We have just been on the waiting side of things, and I think when we get back, I will move more forward on the situation. With the holidays, the actual situation which happened (very sad), etc.... letting December go by is most likely the healthiest thing to do.

We will enjoy our time together... as one of my friends said.... it may be our last alone

I think this morning... another day had gone by... the holidays... packing.... etc.... and stress takes it toll. People who are not in the adoption process don't know how hard is dealing with waiting, and decision making.


I wish everyone a Happy Holiday Season.

Darene

Can you contact the nun? It may give you a better timeline, or let you know if there are others options they are considering. If she, or your attorney are going to take a few days off at Christmas, you could rest easier knowing you're not going to miss anything. Boy, then maybe you could relax and work on your tan! I hope this isn't a long process, just one that happens in January! God bless!

[paperchasingmom]

Hire an attorney before you leave and have him/her be your contact person (at least in the eyes of this poor grieving family...)

1) You're going to need their legal assistance and

2) It just kinda looks a liiiiiiiiiitle bit better to let this grieving family know that you are ummmmm, "unavailable" BUT that you have someone speaking on your behalf, i.e., your attorney....

I agree with everyone saying that whatever happens, if it happens, WILL NOT happen quickly--like someone else mentioned...there will be wills to read, etc. proper court procedures, etc. soooo, in that respect you don't need to be here, BUT, again, just so you don't look like you don't care--I'm not quite sure how the grieving family would take it hearing that the people that supposedly want this baby have still left on their cruise kinda thing....I don't know how they would react to it.....

But, all of us here that are going through adoptions, we know how much you and your husband need this much needed time together, we understand--but maybe the grieving family won't....

So, yep, I say, go, just hire an attorney first to be your "spokesperson" so to speak....just to show that you're serious about this....

Hope you have a wonderful, restful time.....as restful as this can be right??? HA!!!

Merry Christmas to you and your husband,

Melody

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by MelodyPeter

2) It just kinda looks a liiiiiiiiiitle bit better to let this grieving family know that you are ummmmm, "unavailable" BUT that you have someone speaking on your behalf, i.e., your attorney....

Why does this look better? As far as hiring an attorney to speak for you....well, as a birthparent, it just sounds cold to me. Like you are protecting your interests instead of being concerned about the welfare of the child. Not that you won't need one, but the attorney as representitive is just too cold and sterile for me. This family is deeply grieving. Do you think that speaking through your lawyer is going to be consoling to them?

My advice is to treat them as friends. Whatt would you do for friends who have lost a child? What would you do if there was a baby that needed to be cared for? Maybe God is calling you to lovingly care for the baby until it's future is decided. Maybe you will be the one to raise her, maybe not. But giving a baby love seems to me to be the right choice here. Especially since she is just having her physical needs met.

Look at it this way. You are an adult. You have a lot of coping mechanisms a baby does not. And, in the words of Shakespeare, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Ask yourself who really has the greater need.

[susanlowman]

Wow! That is one tough decision. I am sure the right thing to do is to follow the advice of everyone else and GO! However, I know me I would not be able to leave....Perhaps if you do find a VERY trusted friend or attorney they could call and give you daily updates as to the situation....that might make the trip easier.

Good Luck!

I'm thinkning about their perspective, whicjh Melody and bromanchick and that's very wise. When I leave my daughter with someone, like for babysitting, what do I do. I leave the number, I call and check, I thank the folks who are keeping her. Why? Because I want them to know I care. I ahte to trivialize this, but treat them like people who you trust and care about. I hope you're not getting too many opinions, but I hope thinkning through it helps.

[enerad]

So here is the latest.... just found out today from our neighbors.

The family is hiring an adoption attorney, but won't proceed till January 5. They have our profile, but that is all the information we have.

We don't know if.... the January 5 date is because that is when we are back, or if the family has another reason.

So... we are just going to go as planned, relax, and enjoy. What will happen, will happen.

I agree with alot of what people have said... this will take time, and allowing the process to happen will be what is best.

I am not hiring an attorney at this point until we get back, simple because.... I do believe in the sensitivity of the situation (haven't told all the detail, needs to be private, very sad). Hurrying the family through this process would be bad (I personally feel). I want the decision to be a solid decision, rather than a quick decision because of grief. My heart goes out to the child.... but from what I hear is being cared for.

So... I just ask for prayers, and will keep everyone update.

Thank you for this forum. I feel like I needed a place to just talk, we haven't shared any of this with our family yet, and the few friends I have talked about it too, I think are getting tired of me thinking about it.

On top of all this... my closest friend's husband is a deadbeat, and didn't bring home a paycheck for December. So....Christmas is not happy for them, they have four children. I have been doing a lot of consoling and taking care of her. Ironically, we were in Target the other night and my husband knealt down to pick up a dollar bill.... which turned out to be $100.00 dollar bill. Here we are traveling, and have all we need, and our thoughts were that someone was going to not have a Christmas. So... the next day my girl friend dropped by my house, having smashed her finger in a mecanism in her car, crying over the needing to return some gifts, and frustrated over her situation. Here lies that $100.00.
Don't you think, that life works in mysterious ways?

I wish everyone a joyous holiday season, and go out an wish everyone a great day. I am finding that is what is helping me through the season.

Darene

Darrene,

YOu SOUND AT PEACE!! I am so glad you have the clarity you need and can move on to enjoy this season and some time with your man! Lord willin' things will start getting crazy for you when you get back!

Merry Christmas!