[spaypets]

On another thread a prospective adoptive mother spoke of the birthmother changing her mind and deciding to parent when the baby turned out to be a boy instead of girl.

Interestingly, in international adoption, at least, in countries that have as many boys as girls available the wait for girls is longer because Americans prefer to adopt girls.

A New York Times article this fall wrote of a study that said families that had boys were less likely to divorce, that in families with two girls there was a statistically higher chance of a third pregnancy (presumably trying for a boy) than in families with two boys. The authors of the study saw both of these as an American preference for boys.

So I'm wondering what people think of these two contradictory facts. I have some thoughts:

1. The NYT story also mentioned a class /income difference in families with a preference for boys than girls. I suspect it's more prevelant in certain immigrant communities, which may not the same sectors who adopt internationally.

2. American think of girls as easier -- so if the family history is unknown, they may think there will be fewer problems with adopting a girl.

Speaking for myself, I know many more mothers with two sons who secretly wish for a daughter than the other way around, so I was surprised by the NYT story. Second, we wanted to adopt a girl because my brother and my cousins all have daughters similar in age and no sons. We had more experience/contact with little girls as a result.

[MkMw]

Well, I can only speak for myself (and my husband) - we have always wanted to parent both a boy and a girl. Back when we were in the "planning" stages of our family - we decided that we would have 2 children - and in the even they were both the same sex, we would have a 3rd - and that if we wound up with 3 of either that we would be done. We however, share with friend who have tried for a 3 third that we would not have a 3rd child unless we we be truly happy with either.

As we fastforward to our adoption plans....the family makeup didn't change. We have 2 boys, and are going to start the process again after the first of the year, we are REALLY hoping for a girl, but, are prepared for another boy. (personally - I'd be thrilled with twins again - as long as 1 is a girl!)

As far as girls being easier to raise, my Granddaddy - who raised 2 boys and 2girls said that he'd rather raise 6 boys than 1 girl....as a result I've never thought that raising girls would be easy....BUT I still hope I get the opportunity!

[FatBirdy]

This thread is very interesting. I have read a couple of theories that suggest that the reason that people prefer to adopt girls over boys is that adopted girls are easier to accept as family becasue it does not involve any male competition. As well, the theory states that society is simply more socially conditioned to accept girls as family - without biological ties - easier than they accept boys - this trend traces back, at least in the Western world, to Medieval times when it became common place for lineage and familia wealth to be passed down through the male lines. Also, men always keep their last names and women are the ones who end up morphing into a new family; therefore, the theory assumes that society is just more accepting of women into families without blood ties.

[Sharon]

Could it have something to do with the fact that men occasionally have trouble accepting a male child who is not biologically related to them as their own, and might be better able to accept a female child? Just a speculation, based on what I've observed of human nature.
I think, as well, that many people presume girls will be easier and have fewer behavioral problems than boys, and I don't think they are entirely unjustified in feeling this way.
I have no daughters, only sons, but I have worked in child care for years and have observed that even very young boys are generally more active, more aggressive, and quite frankly more "difficult" than girls... although they're well worth it, IMO. And of course, there are ample exceptions to the rule... aggressive girls, quiet and passive boys. I am entirely against gender stereotyping, but it's hard to ignore the evidence... in general I've noticed an undeniable tendency for boys to be "rowdier", rougher, and more active than girls. I've noticed this tendency in children as young as a year old, and it often becomes even more pronounced as they get older.
JMO, ~ Sharon

[Shoshana]

Sharon, you're not stereotyping when you note that boys tend to be more active and rowdy than girls. They are -- there are biological differences in activity level between boys & girls.

I agree with what several of you have stated -- The male continues the family line and the family name. The female does not. I think it easier for our society to accept girls than boys because of the importance we continue to place on bloodlines.

For some anecdotal evidence about 'who's easier.' My sister with 3 boys SWEARS boys are tons easier than girls. I've heard this from many people but I believe they're primarily talking about the pre-teen and teenage years. As a single mom, I just felt more comfortable adopting a girl (yeah, I've always wanted a daughter). I was only raised with sisters. While I really like little boys, when they hit puberty, they're like an alien species to me. I can re-connect again once they reach 20! LOL! (which is a good thing, given my profession!).

[amom4life]

Ya know I've been thinking about this some and I think because of my observations of my friends daughters from very young to teenage years it seems like girls are usually pretty easy until they hit about 13 and then something snaps and they become very difficult especially with their mothers.

With my friends who have boys it seems they are harder when younger but then get easier as they mature. I'm sure that there are exceptions but this is what I have observed.

Personally I don't care what studies show I think it depends on each individual child's personality and choices they make.
Judy

[spaypets]

Ok, here's another question. Do you think society is more accepting of minority girls than minority boys? I wonder if somewhere we (white people, I mean) deep down think girls of other races (I use the term race broadly) are exotic and attractive but tend not to think of boys in those terms.

I'd hate to think that's the case, but I wonder if subconciously that comes into play when adopting internationally (I don't know if countries like Russia see as many requests for boys as girls).

So what I'm hearing is that the preference for girls is adoption related -- that the same people wouldn't also wish for a bio daughter instead of a son? Interesting, because I've known several people who adopt because they have bio boys and they want a daughter.

[cj416]

I have two boys and we are trying to adopt a girl. There are several reasons. One I can not have any more children. Two I feel if I am going to adopt why not choose the gender, because you can't when you have the child yourself. Third I think in my opinion, every woman wants a little girl, just as everyman wants a son. I don't believe the articles statement about divorce and gender of the children. My mom had two girls and got a divorce, I had two boys and got a divorce.

[Peggy]

How does the statistic of boys outnumbering girls in state care factor into these theories? Because boys far outnumber girls in the fostercare system.

[spaypets]

Apparently when the researchers looked at the statistics it was a small but significant difference. They don't know why but theorized that 1. Fathers are more attached to their sons and therefore less likely to leave an unhappy marriage and 2. Mothers think that boys need their dad and therefore are less likely to leave with their sons.

It's not a huge difference, but enough so that they noted it -- and were surprised by it as I recall. It led them to then look at families with two children of the same sex trying for a third (on the other had maybe the parents of boys were too tired to try for a third!).

[amom4life]

I don't agree with that article concerning gender of child and divorce either. Where do people come up with this stuff?

All I know is I will be happy with any gender.
Judy

[redhedded]

"Could it have something to do with the fact that men occasionally have trouble accepting a male child who is not biologically related to them as their own, and might be better able to accept a female child? Just a speculation, based on what I've observed of human nature."

Sharon, I have known several men (friend's partners) who were slightly less than thrilled with having a girl and admitted it, nice huh? They are the same men that would never adopt a child. Some men are not only concerned with carrying on their genetic material (will not consider adoption regardless of their desire to parent) but doing so with a boy. It is a need for them, which for me says much about their security and level of enlightenment. I suspect that many sensitive men who choose adoption do not care what the sex of their child is. While surely not a common consideration for adoptive parents, girls have historically been considered servile, more easily influenced and controlled, whereas boys are not. They are viewed as rowdier, more aggressive and more difficult, which I think explains why more boys remain in foster care. I believe strongly that our society has for a long time seen some non European girls as exotic, mysterious and often more pliable. Such a view of non European men is not common. They might be viewed by some as a threat. Spay: While the current trend may be to choose a girl when the number of boys and girls is equal, I suspect that it is part of a historic trend. Many countries with many adoptable children such as China and India have many many more girls, because of one child government policy, and in the case of India, men will not relinquish their male children. When people begin investigating adoption I believe they often believe, accurately or not, that there are more girls available to adopt and set their minds on that choice.

I have no idea whether raising boys is harder than raising girls. I am the elder of two; neither of my parents wished for another child and have been married 40 years. Both my sister and I kept our maiden names, and I will certainly be the only daughter to raise a child - a girl only, most likely. I, too, hate to stereotype based on gender but have in my experience found that even very very young children exhibit such different patterns and levels of activity, which is apparent often from birth.

[joymom]

We are requesting a girl this time around...because my hubby feels I'm outnumbered (3 to 1) and because we'd just like to have d daughter too.

A couple things we heard from our attorney re: why people seek to adopt girls:
1. As already mentioned, they're perceived to be easier to raise
2. Because of nations (such as China) where they have so many girls and because it has been broadcast so widely, many people believe the need is greater for girls to be adopted everywhere.

We found in our research this year that MANY places are refusing to allow people to request gender. The reasons they give are usually: it's insulting to the bmother and/or you couldn't pick if it was a bio child. Both valid reasons, but obviously we are glad to have found a situation where we can request (but ultimately will be most overjoyed with either gender!)

I'm curious if any bmoms reading this have an opinion on this issue. Does it seem insulting to you to have an afamily request gender?

Spaypets - It does seem that AA men are "feared" by many people in a way that AAwomen are not? I had never thought of this racism in connection with the gender issue, but it is an interesting point.

[Free_to_be_me]

Although in general I see nothing wrong with wanting to choose the gender of the child that will join your family, when I was looking for parents for my little one, I did not consider folks who requested a certain gender. I did not know if I was having a boy or girl and I did not want to start a relationship with anyone who might decide they didn't want my baby anymore because it was the "wrong" gender.

The family that adopted my birthdaughter has adopted another little girl since then. I recently asked if they had any plans to adopt again. They laughed and said not a chance. They already had their hands full with the two they have. Both of the girls are so active and energetic that the household is busy enough without any more children, boys or girls.

[Sharon]

"I'm curious if any bmoms reading this have an opinion on this issue. Does it seem insulting to you to have an afamily request gender?"

It doesn't seem insulting to me; it would seem far more insulting if potential aparents didn't get to choose the gender, in light of the fact that they get to choose the race; I think gender is a far more relevant issue than race. No matter what people perceive, there's not too much difference between parenting a little black girl and a little white girl, but there's a vast difference between parenting a little girl and a little boy, whatever their color.
I've often wondered, however, how "choosing a gender" works in domestic infant adoption. Many birthmothers (me, for instance) do not know which sex of child they are giving birth to until the child is born (sonograms do not always show this). I wonder what happens to the careful "adoption plan" if the aparents back out once the baby's born because it is not the correct gender. This doesn't seem like a really good thing.
However, as far as foster/ adoption and IA, where the children are already waiting, I don't see any problem whatsoever with people choosing gender, even if their choice is almost always female. After all, in most other countries, those female orphans will grow up to have a far more difficult life than their male counterparts, simply by virtue of being female (not that life will be easy for any of them, regardless of gender).

~ Shar