[Mackenzie]

We have 3 bio sons and our decision to adopt a girl was based on many reasons. Because our 3rd son was born 5 1/2 yrs. after our 2nd son, we felt it was important not to displace his birthorder of being the youngest son. He had so much attention as he was growing up that we felt it would be best to adopt a girl so he would not feel threatened. My older sons loved the idea of having a little sister and I have to admit the thought of having a daughter was very appealing. But when we first considered adopting I wanted to adopt boys since that was what I was use to raising. I have loved having boys, they are a lot of fun.

We adopted a daughter 2 years ago who is now 15. Unfortunately, it has been a small nightmare for our family. Unbeleivable stress. The question: Are boys easier to raise than girl? In our case, definitely! But it really had nothing to do with gender, it had to do with all the baggage she had from all the years in foster care and before.

Last week we were selected as a placement for a 10 year old girl who is possibly African American or Biracial ( they don't know who the father is). I'm excited but my husband just goes along for the ride. He's a good dad but would have been happy if we had stopped at 2 kids. It scares him to death thinking about the teen years with a daughter.

Robin

[MkMw]

I've often wondered, however, how "choosing a gender" works in domestic infant adoption. Many birthmothers (me, for instance) do not know which sex of child they are giving birth to until the child is born (sonograms do not always show this). I wonder what happens to the careful "adoption plan" if the aparents back out once the baby's born because it is not the correct gender. This doesn't seem like a really good thing.

Sharon -

I agree with you and can say that I do not know ANY adoptive parents who have changed their mind after birth - even if the sonogram was "wrong" - now, I'm not foolish enough to think it could never happen...

In our case, we are committed to a 3rd child. In adoption however, the relationship between adults is important as well. We would love a girl - I won't lie or hide that! BUT, if a "girl" turns out to be a boy at the hospital, we raise 3 boys. And if we "match" with a woman who chooses not to know (or tell) what sex the baby is, then - we get what we get.

[Soccer Mom]

When my dh and I were matched with K she knew the gender of her baby but did not disclose that until she was sure that we were the ones she wanted. When we were asked if we would rather have a boy or girl I said it didn't matter because if I were pregnant I would have no say. She loved that and chose us partly because we believed as she did. We wanted a baby bottom line. When she chose us and told us she is carrying a boy my husband jumped up and sceamed YES!!! He later told me that he read that more couples were chosing to a adopt girls and because he himself is adopted in his heart he was praying for a boy.

[spaypets]

I found the original story, which was based on research from two economists. Unfortunately, it's an archived story so viewable only for a fee. (I could buy it and post it, but that would be a violation of copyright laws and as a former journalist, contrary to my ethics).

It's called It's a Girl! (Will the Economy Suffer?) and ran in the Oct. 26 New York Times. I found by doing a search on "gender" "divorce." Anyway, it's there for anyone who would like to read the article.

I agree that when people think of international adoption they often think of orphaned girls. I know I did.

It's funny -- I thought of my DH as being the one who was pushing for a girl -- he said he didn't want to repeat the patterns of his childhood (pushed into sports, which fortunately he was good at). But when I mentioned this thread, he said, "Well, it didn't really matter whether we got a boy or a girl." Ahh, selective memory!

[joymom]

Sharon - Re: gender in domestic adoption. What we've been told by our attorney is that they wait for a situation where they're 'pretty sure' of gender. ie, they get a lot of calls directly from the hospital where the baby has already been born. They also go on sonograms, which as you pointed out can certainly be incorrect. Every place we've run across has emphasized that you can put a 'preference' if you want to, but this cannot be a 'deciding factor' in going thru with the adoption. We could certainly NOT turn down another beautiful boy!!!!

Funny story... when we were matched with our youngest, we were told he was twins. When he was born, we were told he was a girl (confusion because several births happened the same day). When I called back later that night, they said he was a boy. I said: "Forget it. I'll check the diaper when I get there and name him/her/them then!"

I appreciate all of your insight. I would understand if a birthmother said she didn't want a family to prefer one gender over another. It's a benefit of the communication that happens in a more open adoption.

[NCGirl20]

"I'm curious if any bmoms reading this have an opinion on this issue. Does it seem insulting to you to have an afamily request gender?"

When selecting a family for my birthchild, one of the first questions I asked was do you have a gender preference... That being said, if they told me yes, I asked for their reasoning...

I could understand why a family who had adopted 3 boys wanted their final child to be a girl... However, I couldn't understand and wouldn't understand why a couple with no children would prefer one sex over the other.

What DID offend me was this: "Two I feel if I am going to adopt why not choose the gender, because you can't when you have the child yourself." Why shouldn't you? Well if you were having a child yourself and didn't get the gender you wanted, would you place your child? I mean... shhhesssh!

Not to be rude or anything, but when a couple requests a certain sex, it doesn't offend me if they have a very good or sound reason for doing so. However, if they are doing it because they can... then HECK YEAH it offends me to the very core!

[paperchasingmom]

Great topic and I have to say that I did mention this to my husband when we first started looking into adoption.....I said, do you have a preference of gender order (since we wanted to adopt more than one child) and he said no, kinda like why are you asking that....and I answered well, because with international adoptions, you can pretty much disclose and they ask you to disclose what gender child you would like to adopt (at least from the countries we were looking at) so then we did take the opportunity to discuss what we thought would be best for our family....

So, since we were only looking at international adoptions (because of our funds) and wanting to adopt an orphaned child already born and already in need of a loving home, we first thought of China, immediately, because you hear so much about all the children that desperately need homes and then we said, well, we really would like, since we can at this point with adoption, we really would like for our little girl to have a big brother, (and China has very, very few boys, if any to adopt) we then changed to Russia or Ukraine to try to adopt a boy first,

1) because we knew we also wanted a girl but then we realized we wanted our little girl to have a big brother to help her in life--maybe because I had 2 older brothers and have a wonderful relationship with them and 2) we looked at Russia or the Ukraine because that's my heritage and the wait time is relatively short and again, there is an abundance of children waiting for loving forever families....

But before we were able to finalize our application for Russia for a boy, we had a situation fall into our laps with a wonderful 9 month pregnant birthmother who was ready to deliver any day in another country that chose us, soooooooo, all the planning we thought we could do (which I must say the planning/the choice was kinda nice to think we had SOME KIND OF CONTROL over our family planning) this wonderful birthmother that chose us, then gave birth to a beautiful baby GIRL the next day (yep that fast!!) and I fell in love instantly.....

My husband was a tad bit surprised, okay shocked, I think moreso because of the reality that we really, really, really had this baby.....and he was overjoyed, but yet so nervous becoming a father finally...

But, I can say I've ALWAYS wanted a daughter, actually I want two daughters, and not just for me--I'd be perfectly happy with one daughter, BUT, I don't want my daughter to grow up without a sister, like I did.....I want her to always have the love and companionship that only a sister can provide and when my husband and I are gone to heaven some day, she'll have her sister and her brother.....I don't want her to be alone in this world.....

My husband had said if we could he wanted a boy first since he says he feels a little old and he still wanted to be young enough and strong enough to play football, etc. and all the things that a little boy and a teenage boy wants to do 10+ years from now so that's why he said he wanted to start out with a boy first....which I think is a good reason.....

Again, I guess it's just one wonderful thing that in international adoptions you can request, and it's kind of a little blessing I think that God gives you for not being able to have children biologically.....with us, our decision to adopt came only 1 day after I was told I would never be able to have a child biologically, so I guess from all the hurt and confusion over what had happened to me, it was kinda nice to be able to have SOMETHING we could request or have some kind of control over.......that maybe being the gender with international adoptions...

It's funny because we have a sister in law now that's pregnant with her first child, well actually second, but don't ask, but she's now 3 months I think and she sooooo wanted a girl and now she found out it's a boy and she's so disappointed.....crazy huh.....

My husband is beside himself and actually is so very sad today because it's his brother that is having this baby boy and my husband is upset with his brother's wife because he says she doesn't know how blessed she is......we'd give anything to be in her shoes and to be able to have a child biologically and easily, physically....but, God has another plan for us.....

Funny though, because just as before, we always said we would adopt but we always thought we would be adding to our family with biological children first....so that's why it wasn't hard for us to go ahead quickly and start our adoption journey, for we always felt we would adopt someday....just not this quickly, but that's okay!!!

So again, great topic and I think each person's reasons are as individual as we are....I don't buy into all that stuff, what that article was saying, at least not for myself anyway.....

I can say though that, honestly, it is a little harder to think of adopting a boy I guess only because I've been with my husband for 10 years and for 10 years I always thought about what our son would look like, that he'd look just like my husband....and to think that he won't now, is just a little strange.....it's okay, but still kinda strange....I guess I just feel bad for my husband....not that he wouldn't love a boy with all his heart, because I know he would, but, he just really wants a son.....he so deserves to be a father!

But, we gotta get our daughter home first, then we'll start on our plans for a son! and then their little sister, and then.....who knows!!!

Blessings to all,

Melody

[cj416]

NCGirl20,
I do believe I stated I already have two boys, that is why I want a girl. I am not adopting from a birthmom, I am adopting through the state. If I did adopt through a birthmom I would NOT expect to adopt a certain gender, because I feel that is more like being pregnant yourself. You shouldn't be able to choose going that way, because what if an ultrasound is wrong. Your standing in the delivery room and out comes a boy when you thought it was a girl, then what do you do??Make the mom choose another family on the spot??
As I said, i have 2 boys and I am going to adopt a girl through the state.This is a way I feel I can choose the gender because the children are already born and waiting.
I can not have any more children of my own, but if I could I would and I know I couldn't choose. Since I am in a situation where I can choose, I will.

[AMom2Two]

Gender Preference....

I have to say that the agency we decided to use DOES NOT allow any adoptive couple to choose the sex of the baby. The couple get's matched with a potential bmom by the bmom looking through the profile books. They have repeatly said in their orientation that if you desire a certain sex, then please go elsewhere. I, personally, have always felt if I was to be pregnant, I wouldn't get a choice of what sex I want, so why should I do the same when adopting? JMHO

Of course, I understand for those families who already have either all boys or all girls, why they may desire to have the opposite sex. I am not in their shoe's so I won't judge. I can tell you that my sister who has 3 boys would love more then anything to have a little girl, but it's just not in the plan for her family. She does feel a loss of the potential daughter she always hoped to have. She cried when she had her tubes tied because it meant she would never have a daughter. Seeing her sadness about it makes me understand why some would request the sex of the baby.

As for me, I would be more then happy to just become a mom again, regardless of the sex of the child.

[DianeS]

I agree that I think people think about "orphaned girls" when they think of international adoption.

Some more statistics for you: There are more boys born each year than girls. So statistically, a potential adoptive family that already has children is more likely to have more boys than girls already. So the desire for a girl through adoption becomes more "normal", in that respect.

The statistics I've read have said that women are more likely to want to parent girls, and men are more likely to want to parent boys. (Not always, of course, just typically.)

It's also pretty common for the woman to be the one who first thinks about adoption, and seeks the information. It's not that uncommon for the couple to follow the lead of the first one to make inquiries. Put those together and you have a woman who wants to parent a girl starting the process, inquiring about girls, and ultimately adopting a girl.

Also, when discussing how many children to have, most couples have that discussion BEFORE the wife is pregnant - meaning the number and ideal gender of the children was settled between them before she experienced morning sickness, weight gain, labor, etc. It's my personal opinion that after experiencing those, the woman is more likely to call it quits even without the "ideal" being reached than the man is. Hence, a woman would opt for no attempt at a biological girl before the man would opt for no attempt at a biological boy.

Just my thoughts!

[mckenna]

when i first started fostering, i did not specify race or gender only age (under 2) and that the child not have any need which would stop him/her from attending daycare, as i am a single person. i did however feel that if i ever adopted as a single woman, it would be a daughter. my first 2 foster children were girls and they were returned home. my 3rd foster child was a boy. i just did not see that coming. now he is my son and i could not be happier. sometimes what you think is right for you, really is not. now, i know that if i adopt again, i will not care if the child is male or female, i can handle whatever comes my way.

[amom4life]

Originally posted by joymom

Funny story... when we were matched with our youngest, we were told he was twins. When he was born, we were told he was a girl (confusion because several births happened the same day). When I called back later that night, they said he was a boy. I said: "Forget it. I'll check the diaper when I get there and name him/her/them then!"

LOL!! joymom!

[lisa in venice]

In our first adoption I wanted a girl but not enough to make it a deal breaker. I am the oldest in my family and the daughter of the daughter of the daughter of a first born girl for 7 generations, I thought it would be cool to continue the trend. The first baby we were presented with was a boy and I jumped on it, weithout hesitation. With # 2 we were doing a foster/adopt so I could choose the sex and I waited for a girl. That was the only adoption where I was adament about the sex. I waited the longest for that placement (7 months).

When we adopted a third time I prefered a boy because my youngest child was a girl and I tjpought the rivalry issues would be lessened if they were of the opposite sex. I had a preference but not enough to specify. We didn't know until Sam was born that he was a he. With # 4 a girl would have been nice (balance) but I was much more concerned about the relationship with birth family. As it turned out we got a girl but we had boys names lined up just in case.

lisa

[crysmith]

I'll add my two cents since I'm an AA parent about to adopt an AA child.

Working in the social service field I'll tell you that there are many more AA boys waiting to be adopted than AA girls. Society overall has a fear of black men and I don't know if that has anything to do with the adoption of black boys or not. However, my agency did tell us that there is a much higher rate across the board of bi-racial adoptions (black/white) and the gender most specifiy for are girls. I have my own opionions as to why so many people would like bi-racial girls. IMO I think alot of the bi-racial girl preferences has to do with what people perceive the child will look like when they are bi-racial. Not judging, just stating my opinion.

We have requested an AA boy or girl. We don't have a gender preference because this is our first child. Now, in terms of easier or harder to deal with I can only tell you that as a former high school teacher it was MUCH EASIER dealing with the boys than the girls. My husband is currently a high school teacher and he agrees that the boys (teenagers) are much easier to deal with at this age. For whatever reason girls were "mouthy" and usually had attitude problems....I kinda remember that stage myself :-)

Anyway, for domestic adoptions I think you will find that with AA children girls are prefered over boys...the same goes for bi-racial children.

[Jensboys]

I am a mom of four boys - two biological and two adopted (and AA in fact).

My first memory as a child playing was "praying" that God would turn my doll into a REAL baby girl. I only have a sister and have ALWAYS wanted a girl.

When I was pregnant the first time, I just assumed I was having a girl. I COULD NOT WAIT for my little girl - loved her to bits ... lol and out came Tanner (whom I called "she" for at least 6 weeks).

Then we adopted a sibling group and I just KNEW that at least ONE would be a girl ... and along came my other two boys.

9 months later I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant 2 days before my husband was going in for a vascetomy... and just knew that God was answering the desire of my heart and this was my girl. And of course, along came another boy. We found out this time early in my pregnancy and I GREIVED HARD for the loss of "my little girl". Three solid days of tears and grief ... I knew OF COURSE, that I would passionately love another son (and I do) but it was the loss of the dream of having a daughter.

My husband does not get it. Never cared either way just loves his kids and thinks FOUR is plenty.

I ADORE my boys and wouldnt trade any of them for any girl anywhere HOWEVER saying that, if we were to go the adoption journey again, I know that I would desire a daughter ... but please dont show me a photo listing of any boys because I also know that could NEVER say no!!!

So yes, I would request a girl. Saying all that, we did adopt a sib group of AA boys ... and the swer did tell us that in fact it was harder to place aa boys ... particularly older ones because they stop being cute and start being scary around 8. Anyway, I love my household of NOISY, SMELLY, GROUCHY boys but it sure isnt how I imagined my life ...