[OllieT]

I'VE HAD MY FC FOR 1+ YEARS BROUGHT HOME FROM HOSPITAL, AND IT HAS BEEN THE UNDERSTANDING THAT I WOULD ADOPT THE CHILD WITH THE CONSENT OF FAMILY MEMBERS, NOW THAT FC HAS GONE INTO ADOPTION STATUS, FAMILY MEMBERS CHANGED THEIR MINDS. VISITATION HAS BEEN STOPPED AND THE REINSTATED. SINCE THAT TIME, CHILD NOW RECOGNIZES FAMILY AND SPEAKS OF THEM CONTINUOUSLY. CHILD WILL TURN 3 ON 3-15-04. MY QUESTION IS DOES A CHILD REALLY KNOW WHERE THEY WANT TO LIVE AT THIS AGE OR WHAT? SHOULD I WITHDRAW MY INTERESTED STATUS? IS FAMILY ALWAYS BEST? CHILD CLEARLY KNOWS ME AS MOMMY, BUT ALSO KNOWS THE FAMILY. AFTER THREE YEARS, I AM COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED AND WORN OUT. THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST TIME CONSUMING ORDEAL. I LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL, BUT IF MY TRYING TO ADOPT HER FROM HER FAMILY IS CAUSING HER TRAUMA, THAT IS NOT MY INTENT.
I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OVER. IS THIS ALWAYS LIKE THIS OR WHAT? I AM SERIOUSLY THINKING WHETHER OR NOT I WILL CONTINUE TO DO FOSTER/ADOPTION CARE CUZ IT'S TO O TRAUMATIZING. PLEASE HELP?

[Sharon]

I don't know how to advise you... I'm very sorry for your situation. It's obvious that you want to do the right thing, and it's obviously tearing you apart. It is reassuring to hear that there are foster parents/ potential adoptive parents out there who truly put the best interest of children first.
My thoughts about your situation:
1. YES, it will hurt your daughter to lose contact with her biological family.
2. It would hurt her even more (IMO) to lose contact with you, since you are her primary caregiver and the person she knows as "Mommy".
3. Yes (again, IMO), children are always better off with their biological families, all other things being equal. But ONLY if all other considerations are equal.

Taking all these things into consideration, I have no idea what I'd do if I were in your shoes. Do what you have to do, what your heart tells you.
What about a really, really open adoption where your daughter still had lots of ongoing contact with her bio-family?
I don't know. Whatever happens, I hope you find it in your heart to continue fostering... the system needs more foster parents like you.
Best of luck whatever you decide, ~ Shar

[monroeman]

Ollie,

It's hard to come up with much advice that I feel really comfortable giving, not knowing a lot about the past three years for you. All I really have to offer is a shoulder that's been there, although my ride stopped after "only" 18 months. Three years would have been quite demoralizing.

My son also came to us as a foster/adopt child. There was family interested. They eventually withdrew their petition, for which I am grateful. Although I really think that he would have been placed with us anyway, we didn't have to experience the legal wrangling. Still, I was ready to do this if necessary because of the bond he had with us, that we had with him, and because of what I believed was best for him.

I liked the points that Sharon made and agree completely with 1 & 2. On 3, we might agree, but I'm not sure what "all other things being equal" means. I don't think she means comparing bank accounts and country club memberships, but I won't try to put words in her mouth.

Generally speaking, children are better off with their bio families, but in your case the attachment issues might outweigh this, and the child might be better off with you. I am leaning this way, but I couldn't say for sure so I'd advise you to talk with someone who is more familiar with all the details of your case if possible.

Foster/adopting is very difficult emotionally. My wife and I haven't been able to muster the "courage?" to throw our hats in again yet (it's been two+ years), although we do keep our license current so that we can when/if we are ready. Don't want to discourage you, but to let you know that you're not alone in the way you are feeling.

Hope I've been helpful in some way.

[OllieT]

IF I WERE TO GIVE HER UP AND CHOSE NOT TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HER BECAUSE I FEEL THAT WOULD BE CONFUSING TO HER, DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON? I WAS ACCUSED OF NOT EVER LOVING HER. THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. I THINK IT WOULD MAKE THE TRANSITION EASIER FOR HER IF I WERE OUT OF THE PICTURE COMPLETELY. I WILL BE TOTALLY DEVASTED. HELP!!!!!!!!!!