[paperchasingmom]

Hi Everyone,

Brat, to answer your question as to where I've been, I've been in the hospital and things have been very, very stressful....to say the least, all the way around.....

I almost started this thread a few days ago but thought I was okay when I got home from the hospital, and well, obviously I'm not....I'm about to lose it....really, really stressed and this time, downright angry and can't take much more....

This time of the year is particularly stressful for us because it was last year, THIS EXACT TIME, I was in the hospital and almost died, and that's when they did their surgery on me (my ferility specialist) which caused me to NEVER be able to have biological children, on top of almost dying....as some of you know....

Well, knowing how God is, and how He saw how afraid I was about this time of year, I'll be dog gonned if He didn't say, you know, she's scared over what happened to her, and I need to have her face her fears, and show her she can be strong, and sure enough landed right back in the hospital, by ambulance, in the ER, and then stayed in the hospital for 5 days!!!

I couldn't take it much longer in the hospital and that's when I told them, I gotta go, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!

So God let me confront my fears, head on.....trust me, the hospital was the LAST PLACE I thought I'd ever be AGAIN....

And yep, I got to get another one of those cute little plastic pink potty things that they give you in the hospital--one more to add to my collection!!! HA!!!

Funny thing is, I was okay, emotionally when I was there, but now, now I'm angry and really fed up and this anger is surprising me.....

Any prayers or suggestions would be highly appreciated!!!

and Brat, thanks again for asking where I was....it meant alot to me to know you were thinking of me....

Blessings to all,

Mel

[Brat]

Hi Melody....

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through so much! The anniversary of your operation, and Christmas, just too much.

And yet just now I am remembering that prayer that God had me post about Christmas months ago, and fully embracing it although it can be so painful without kids. Remember that? You said Christmas was on your heart that very morning, and I think it was back in September. Anyways, I need to remember this because as I drove home tonight I was crying, thinking about the prospect of one more Christmas without children. Remembering that thread reminds me that God has other plans for my heart and yours and any other childless woman--no matter what, He wants our focus to be on Him, and He'll provide the joy.

I'm glad you made it back to us, safe and sound. I missed you!

One more thing, since you requested suggestions. Anger is one of the cyclical stages of grief. You're reliving the trauma you had last year, and first anniversaries are typically very hard. I hope you'll give yourself the slack to grieve. You know you have my prayers!

[Support2Adopt]

{{{Mel}}}}
I really don't know what to say except to send you a cyber hug and say a prayer for you.
JJ

[paperchasingmom]

You know, my heart has always been a heart for God and even the day I got out of the hospital I was saying you know, the "usual", God is good and God will see me through this and well, I guess, God allowed Satan to enter into an arena that I thought was protected--my heart...

I knew my body was affected by what's been going on, being sick and all but I always felt I had my heart for God, and well, the last few days I haven't.....I actually just said, God, why don't you just kill me because you're killing me slowly every day now anyway, and especially last year being so close to death and all.....I said just go ahead and kill me! I was letting out one year's worth of anger since I didn't want to be angry with anyone in particular because I don't like to be mad at people, so I just lashed out against God, which, unfortunately, is worse....haven't really done that before....

and of course I repented this morning.....

However, I did think about Jesus when he was hanging on the cross and Jesus said, "My God, my god, why has though forsaken me..." and I kinda stop beating myself up knowing that even at times, Jesus felt maybe "betrayed" or forgotten by God...

I guess I do need to give myself "permission" to feel anger towards the people that I should feel angry with--that's normal--I never was allowed to express my feelings when I was a child, so consequently I grew up holding everything inside and now, I can't anymore--it's not good for my health....I think it's okay to "properly" understand our anger and frustration and where it's coming from and direct frustration, anger at it's proper sources and work through them instead of saying, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay and then you realize you're not and you're ready to blow....

I know one time this past year I went to a christian counselor because I was trying to find God's will for my life and he got mad at me because I wouldn't say that I was angry, I would just call everything "challenges". Ha!!! The christian counselor got mad at me!!! But I do understand what he was trying to portray to me....I GET IT NOW!

I don't know if it's all the new medication they put me on, or if it's because they still don't have a "definite" answer as to what happened to me, or if it was the incompetent, unsympathetic staff at the hospital or if it's our delayed adoption....

You know, I went out to the mailbox a day after I got home from the hospital and I got our immigration papers, stating they had received our immigration application and then I read where they said it was going to take ONE YEAR to process it!!! I literally had to sit down out front because I thought I would drop!! By then our baby would be 19 months old!!!!

So, back on the phone, begging people trying to find out if there's ANYTHING we can do to expeditite this and all this stress and frustration all over again.....

We had fully expected to have an answer about our adoption by Thanksgiving--actually, that was our "new" target date....our first target date was that we were supposed to go pick up our newborn in JUNE!!! But, that didn't happen.....so it's been 200 days since we were supposed to have had our daughter...and it sickens me....

Well, it looks like now we won't even have an answer by Christmas and I worry so much about our daughter and our funds are running out because we send $800 a month for her care on top of what we're paying for our adoption, and of course, our family thinks we're nuts.....and maybe, maybe we are....

and yeah, Christmas, that's tough---plus, I have a sister in law that is now pregnant and this was a sister in law that okay, I hate to say it, but, I am, had an abortion years ago because the "timing" wasn't right, then had one of those obese operation things and got real sick and she was trying to sue and she had said in the past that she never wanted kids but then when she wanted to sue she told me she was going to tell them she did want to have kids and that she was going to sue to get money because she thought now she couldn't have kids....

Then, we were matched with our daughter, almost 7 months ago, and now, well, guess what everyone, she's got her center stage and she's pregnant!!! 2 months and doesn't even have a plan as to what she's going to do after the baby is born....

She's a 1st grade school teacher, and I remember the first time I met her she said she couldn't believe how stupid her children in her class were and I was actually speechless.....

I'm thinking, here's a teacher that could be ANYONE'S child's first grade teacher and why couldn't she say something to the effect of, well, they're challenged, they're trying, but nope, just unemotional, unsympathetic saying "They're so stupid!" so needless to say I was dumbfounded by her lack of compassion towards children....and then begged God that our child would NEVER have a teacher like that!

Recently, I've asked her who's going to watch the baby when she goes back to work, and she chimes, "I don't know, I didn't think that far-Ha Ha".....and that just struck me, again, as being irresponsible, and I'm thinking okay, so you thought you wanted children and didn't think about ANYTHING as to how you're going to take care of them and raise them....of course it doesn't help that we had to go through two homestudies to prove everything was covered in our adoption, INCLUDING WHO'S GOING TO CARE FOR THE CHILD, so I guess I just have a sad heart that here, a person who's already aborted a baby, (I know, I know that's her right--no need to yell at me...) anyway, then didn't want children at all, and thinks they're stupid, now, suddenly is pregnant and basking in the glow of all the attention she's getting.....

Add to that that she has NEVER, ONCE asked about how our child is and also that we've been waiting 5 MONTHS for her to write her letter of recommendation for us (she's married to my husband's brother) and well, you've got hard feelings, no doubt....
Oh yeah, plus she never called to see how I was while I was in the hospital....no phone call, no card, no nothing....great sister-in-law relationship huh?

Soooooo, yeah, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be tough as it's going to be for all the rest of you guys too waiting, hoping, and praying for your children, and my heart goes out to you all....

I guess another thing is unfortunately, we do have a lawsuit against two doctors for what they did to me/us last year and so while we're trying to move forward, it's hard when you know that pretty soon, you have to recount all that for depositions and attorneys and such plus they said they could subpoena all our adoption papers so again, I feel violated, like there's no privacy anywhere.....I mean talk about me if you want, but don't talk about my daughter, but then again, maybe that would be good because I would surely kick some butt then...HA!!!

It's also hard too because we get packages every month of pictures of our daughter and her little clothes and letters and things and of course, when we get them, the box is butchered as it's been opened by customs where they look through everything and touch her little clothes and open all the letters and even though I understand why they have to do this it still bothers me tremendously....I try to focus on the fact that I'm grateful that we EVEN GET A BOX right????

Again, it all goes back to, if I was pregnant, NO ONE would be doing any of this to me--I could just go on my merry little way getting ready for my baby---I wouldn't have to be fighting governments, waiting days and days and weeks and weeks and months and months just to find out if she CAN be my daughter, by the time we'll know, she will probably be around 9 months old....which of course, isn't a bad age, it's just that we were promised her at birth and that we could get her at one month old, now it looks like she might be one year or so, AND THAT BREAKS MY HEART!!!! How people LIED!!! I don't mind the process just don't lie to us....don't people understand that this is a baby's life we're talking about....

Now, both her foster mother and I are so worried about how she'll do here for it's such a different place then what she's used to, but, I have to be strong, and I HAVE to keep plugging away....

Like I've said, I've waited 30 years to be a mother, ever since I was a little girl that's all I've wanted to be, so I guess I can wait a few more months.....right?

Thanks for letting me vent--there's really no other place that really understands how we feel--certainly not our families, so thanks again guys, thanks so much.....I really, really needed to get that out!!! You think? HA!!!

You know, it's funny because one of the last things we have to do for our adoption is a psychological evaluation sooooooo, again, it was really, really good that I let this out here....probably wouldn't have been a good idea to feel this way with the psychiatrist---let's see, she is NOT able to parent!!! Stressed out lady on board!!! Just kidding!!! I do feel a billion times better, thanks again!!! No more sad feelings anymore right? No more focusing on the bad, concentrate on the good, be strong, perservere!!!!

I feel great now--I first felt like the little doggie on Grinch who's trying to climb that snowy mountain with that boatload of gifts and how he just couldn't and then how the Grinch came along and whisked it up to the top and his heart just swelled!!! That's me right about now!!!! Feeling, I can do this!!!!

Thanks again for letting me vent!!! I will keep you guys in my prayers and WE WILL find joy this holiday season!!!! Right? No matter what happens!!!! We will be okay!!!

Many blessings to you guys!!!! Thanks a million!!!

Mel