[Sheila4]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board. I posted on another board yesterday, but it looks like this one gets more traffic, and I really need some feedback.

I have a son through adoption in 2001, and we were recently matched with a potential birthmother for our 2nd adoption. My dilemma is that she is not due until sometime in May.... we'll know more after her doctor's appointment in a couple weeks.

I have heard that such matches done this early are a risk for us because she may change her mind of course during this period and shortly following the birth of the baby.

The SW told us that she would like a very open adoption and would like to get to know us and have us participate in dr's appointment and the like during her pregnancy, and that it was her choice to match with an adoptive family this early on.

We were previously matched with a pregnant girl in September, but it fell through before we even met her. We both had mixed feelings from the start with that one and were really proceeding with caution, and unsure of accepting the situation. Our instincts were right and she changed her mind the night before we were to meet her. Our instincts tell us that this situation feels right, and I am hoping that it is not just our excitement clouding our thoughts.

We do know that she already has 4 children and she does have goals for herself to go to college and has occupational goals for the future, which are all good signs. She lives at home with her parents and all are very supportive of her decision to make an adoption plan for this baby.

I would love to hear from some of you who have had a long match time and how it turned out. Any thoughts or opinions from any of you about what you think of this situation will be most helpful to me.

thanks so much,



__________________

[tobeafamily]

Hi Sheila,

We connected with Ryan's bmom in September 2001 when she was only 8 weeks along. Initially she thought she was further along, as she'd had no prenatal care up until then. Ryan was born 7 months later, in April 2002.

There were lots of 'red flags' in our situation too - she was young, first pregnancy, split from Ryan's bdad when we connected, then got back together and moved back to his state 2 months after we connected. Bdad's family was initially opposed to the adoption plan.

We wanted a fully open integrated adoption, so did she.

Against all these 'flags', there was always the sense that this was a 'fit'. Bmom and I not only physically look so much alike I'm often mistaken for her mother (she thought this was very funny in the hospital when I got called 'grandma'), but we also have very similar senses of humor, instincts, etc. Ryan's bdad and his family liked us immediately when we flew out (at their invitation) to meet them, we are still all very close.

Despite all this, the seven months' was hellish at times. We turned down many other situations, including a born baby and a woman in labor at a local hospital during that time. Each time I'd call our agency back later and say 'What, am I NUTS?' We always had a 'plan b' in case she chose to parent, and did our very best to guard our hearts just a bit.

Hang in,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[melon161]

Hang in there, you'll never know if you don't stick it out. Regina's the one to listen too as she's been through it. She gove you great advice.

Stacy

[MomofKaden]

Our son's adoption was similar in some respects. We met his birthmom through our friend (her cousin) when she was 4 months along. She chose us, and we went to her ultrasound appt to find out our son was to be a boy! I continued to go to all her doctor appts with her throughout the rest of the pregnancy. She, similar to your situation, already had a child she was raising and was living with her family and had plans to attend college. In terms of likelihood to change her mind, all these factors are good indications that she knows exactly what she is doing and won't change her mind, but of course, you never know. Our situation worked out great. We see his birthmom and sister 4x a year or more and she & I email about once a week as well. It is great. Hope it works out well for you! If you are a religious person, (as we are) when you just feel right about a situation, you know that is God and I guess you better listen! For us, it worked out wonderfully, and we have no doubt God brought us together. Don't get me wrong though - the wait was still hard at times...but I am so glad we all persevered! Blessings to you!

[goin'batty]

Sheila,

We met with a couple when "L" was about 6 weeks along in September. She isn't due until the end of March begining of April which at the time seemed really far away. I've got to say though, I think that it is a good thing that we met so early on. We are all learning what the other person is like and how to communicate which is a good thing if we are all going to be involved in each other's lives forever! I don't know how people who match and the baby is born very quickly can determine if this is really what they want to do in regards to having an open relationship with the bfamily.

Another benefit of matching early is that you can be involved in doctors appointments, if she's okay with that, and in general be there in the event that she needs something. The support that you show her will go a long way in convincing her that this is the right thing to do. It has been really neat to hear the baby's heart beat and go to the ultrasound! I would have missed those things if we had matched later.

Yes, there is an element of risk, she might decide to parent, but that is true no matter when you match. However, you've got a lot of time to talk and bond. She won't feel like she's placing her baby with a stranger. She will know how good you are at keeping your word and what type of person you are.

Basically, I think that if you are comfortable with this situation, you shouldn't let the time frame scare you off.

Lori