[spaypets]

I've been increasingly distressed by the number of threads lately from adoptive/foster parents considering disruption because they don't feel they love the child placed with them.

I haven't walked in their shoes so I can't comment on the situations, though as an aside I will say: I used to work in animal welfare and when we placed an adult dog in a new home we told the new owners that it takes as long as 6 months for the dog to feel as if he belongs in the new home. I'm astounded that people think children will adjust faster.

Anyway, the discussion that followed these upsetting posts has gotten me thinking (I know, always dangerous)....

There have been statements made to the effect that "Love can't be faked. If you don't feel it, you can't fake it."

I am of the opinion that one can act in a loving way and not feel love. Indeed, the feeling is irrelevant -- it's the actions that are important. The fact is there are lots of people who believe they love others but who don't act in a loving way.

I happen to think that if one is especially conscious of the fact that they need to be especially loving, to make up for what they lack in feeling, then one's actions will make up for what is not in one's heart.

Maybe I'm a better actress than some people, but I've pretended emotions I haven't felt for long periods. The single best piece of advice I ever got was "If you pretend an emotion long enough, you will eventually feel it."

Ok, tell me how much you disagree!

[debsdone]

No way will I disagree....I TOTALLY agree. I teach my kids that true love is a verb, an action word. Good post! love, Debi

[Jensboys]

We adopted a sib group of 2, then ages 3 and 4 and had a 2 year old bio son. There were days (whole weeks at times) after the adoption in that first year where the sight of my new sons literally made my skin crawl -- I had NOTHING left to give them but I did -- BECAUSE THEY WERE MY SONS. The best advice I had ever been given by our social worker is that "You WONT feel the emotion right away --- you might love the IDEA of your child but the reality often sucks!" I knew that could and would eventually feel the feelings so for a while, even quite a while at times, I went through the motions. I hugged, I kissed, I comforted, I sang and rocked and "faked it" until SURPRISE I felt it too.

Never once did I think I would give up on them ... even if I didnt ever "fall in love" (although I was confindent I would) they were MINE. It was MY responsibility to love them because they needed it and me. I never gave myself the option of an "out" - my commitment from the minute I knew I would be their mom was for life.

somedays it was overwhelming, somedays it was scary, somedays I thought nothing would ever change.

Today it is over 4 years after placement -- I LOVE those boys --- both the verb and the noun!

[Dianna]

I don't know how many times I have been told in church that "Love is a decision." Love is a choice and to act loving is an offering to God. To be as loveable as you can, is your gift to others. I have read a few books lately that say that we are an unlimited source of love. We have within us the choice to act out of love or to act out of fear. One book was saying that people who think that they are being deprived of love are believing an illusion, and that the reality is that we as humans are an endless source of love. I am still trying to "get" that one. Love on.

[patrisha]

Absolutely no argument here either.

Can't tell you how many times I had to pretend with my own kids during those teenage years. Eventually, I actually began to like them again. LOL

Trish

[spaypets]

Wow, I didn't think I'd get ANYone agreeing with me!

Jensboys, I think the fact that you looked at the commitment you made as irreversible probably made it easier to soldier on -- failure wasn't an option, so you had to cope instead of quit.

[debsdone]

If only....more people in society would consider commitment as highly as they regard options! Just dreamin'! Love, Debi

[Jensboys]

I do want to make it clear that I also had a VERY strong desire to adopt and was very, very happy with our decision and incredibly proud to be chosen as my sons mom. I most certainly loved and adored the "concept" of the boys and had prayed for them for YEARS (without knowing who they were of course).

Saying all that though -- our lives were incredibly changed and often "disrupted". It was VERY hard to have loving feelings towards a child who has just pushed your baby (our bio son) down teh stairs or is hitting him over the head with piece of firewood. Or a child who tells you every day how much he hates you or how everything you cook is "disgusting" and how everything back at the foster home was "perfect".

I think to assume that adoptive parents are super-human and arent infallable people is so destructive. It was so freeing for me to hear from our social worker that I just might not feel all lovey-dovey 24 / 7. It was NORMAL and it was OK. And it would change!!!

Today I run a post-adoption support group for adoptive parents. Do you know how many of them feel like failures because they child they have in their home (always older child adoption) they dont feel like they "should" towards within a month of placement? I had a sobbing amom this week telling me how much touching her new daughter is bothering her. For her to hear that those feelings were normal and would pass was so FREEING for her. And actually contributed to an improvement in the situation.

We shouldnt feel like it is an all or nothing situation. If all children couldnt be placed until the prespective parent "Felt" loving towards them === no child would be placed. I think the difference is that the prespective parent should be told that despite FEELINGS, the commitment is for life. Feelings will come but actions speak infinitaly louder than words!!!

[angelical]

I think this might have happened between my husband and bio son. When our son finally came home from the hospital - - he was in the NICU for 6 weeks because of being premature - - my husband had to change jobs so that we didn't have to put him in daycare. But that meant that my dh had Baby Duty from 7:30am til 5:00 pm, and he hadn't really bonded with the baby at all while he was in the hospital.

The first couple of months was very very hard on all of it. I didn't want to go back to work, and dh didn't want to be the "at-home" parent all day long. But then, something happened... He fell in love.

Now, he loves our son as much as I do.

Luckily, in the beginning, he was forced to be loving towards him, and then realized that the force didn't need to be there any more.

Sharel

[spaypets]

If only....more people in society would consider commitment as highly as they regard options!

Well said, Deb!

[melon161]

I have to agree here. I'm always telling my husband (men are worse then kids. LOL) that he needs to show me how much he loves me and not just say it. Although I have a friend who's husband is always SHOWING her but very very rarely says it so I guess a nice combination of both would be perfect.

It shouldn't surprise me but I feel sad that so many people are willing to give up so easily on their adoption. But it also surprises me, and it shouldn't, how many people just give up on their marriage.

I think when you make this kind of commitment, if you are looking for a way out, just in case, before you even start then maybe you need to rethink your decision.

Stacy

[HappyMomAnna]

I hope I am wlecome here---I agree completely. Love is a decision. It is an act. It is a commitment. It is a requirement. And it is not always returned.
Love is not born when given a few hours a week..... There is no time table on love---it is all the time or not at all.
I can be mad at you. I can dislike what you say---what you do--and maybe who you turn out to be----but, I can love you.

Jaime & John--I have brothers I don't like much---but, I love them.

Chirst said hate the sin and love the sinner.

Tori--I can raise a daughter (birth in this case) and not like the choices she makes as a young woman---but, I love her. I can wish all day long that she would agree with me and live by my values---but, the love I have for her can accept that this will not be the case. I could judge her and let her feel I hate her for her choices.....but, I would lose in that case. I can love her and let her be who she is and make her own life---I still be giddy with happiness that she comes home for Thanksgiving......

Sean--I can love you even though you were a huge baby--made me have a c-section and then at 9-tore your left leg off doing something I told you NOT to do---and cost $250,000 and two years to even recorver from---and life of disablities.

Andrew--I can love my husband even though he is not Brad Pitt..... Or rich like Bill Gates. And I can use my love to make him feel like he is both of them rolled up into my man.

Makayla and Jeremiah-- I can love another mothers children like I love my own---even if they have a funny looking nose and are not going to be little and pitite like me.

I can love you when you say something mean to me......because I know there is truth in what you say---and that later you will realize it hurt me---and your love will give you the right words to say.....later.

Makayla--I can love you when I hurt all over because I fell that night in the kitchen when you had that tantrum and I ran away from your hands that tried to hurt me----like your first mother hurt you.

I can love you when I see your minipulation trying hard to work it's magic over me----my love for you will eventually win you over.

I can love you when you tell me you don't know why you hurt your brother while I was busy cooking dinner---It makes me mad---but, I can love you anyway...........we won't let people hurt you that way----we can't let you hurt him either.

I can love you when you lie and steal the chruch offering. But, I will ask you to return it and tell the church you are sorry---even if you are not.

I can love you when you scream ten-thousand times how much you hate me. When you spit in my face and scratch my hand and try to kick me..... I will try to stop you---but, I still love you. I always love you. you can say you hate me---and I will tell you that you can hate me all you want----but, I love you.

I don't love you because you are beautiful. I don't love you because you are good.... I don't love you because you are well behaved or perfect----I love you because I am your mother now.

I love you no matter how ugly you are. No matter how hard you push me away---no matter how many times you tell me I am mean or you hate me---or someone else's mother is better--prettier---or smarter then me.

Jeremiah--I can love you even if you still refuse to call me mommy. And won't give me a hug or kissy.

I love you because that is what REAL mothers do.

[melon161]

I want to tell this little story.

When I was about 16 I made my dad mad (ya, like it only happened once. LOL) and he looked right at me and said, I'll always love you a lot but right now I don't like you very much.

I of course thought it was funny and laughed at him and said "Daaaad!" He just smiled and walked away.

Stacy

[spaypets]

Of course you're welcome here...

I have a question, however. You've written very movingly, but I need to ask, are you talking about love as in action or love as in emotion (feeling)?

Because speaking for myself those are things I do because they are right, not necessarily because of how I feel. Does that make sense?

Don't get me wrong -- I love my daughter -- I'm not one of those people who is struggling with my feelings for her. But because I'm someone for whom love grows overtime, I can imagine someone worried about how they are feeling about their new child.

It doesn't matter how I feel, it matters what I do.

[HappyMomAnna]

My love is always an action first.....if it becomes an emotion it is just the icing on the cake.