[lizzy0921]

We're 3 weeks away from finalization!! HORRAY...a huge relief!

Anyways, one of my sons started junior high this year and the school (or the teachers) seem to have a problem with him writing his new last name on his school papers. He understands that on state tests, in the school office, records and at the doctors he needs to use his legal name. However the use of our family name is very important to his stability in the family and his healing process. How can I get it across to the teachers the importance of him using our name. One teachers makes it a point to cross out our name and put his legal last name telling him, "when its legal bring the proof". I am appalled at this behavior from a TEACHER of our children.

Please give me help or advice!

Liz

[riley6]

I would go to the school and tell the teachers exactly what you said here.

Our adoptions will be final soon. Our children have been in the adoption process since April. In August, when school began, I went to their schools and explained to their teachers that the finalization will be before the end of the year. I told them I wanted their CLASSROOM names to be our last name, even though I understood their LEGAL records had to be in their birth names until finalization. One teacher told me "Oh no, we can't be switching around their names, that would be way too confusing (for her)." I told her it's better for HER to be confused than my child. She refused to change the name on my child's desk, so I went to the principal. I explained that I didn't want my kids to learn one name now only to have it changed in December. He agreed with me and talked to the teacher.

Something interesting that the principal also told me is that once our finalization occurs, the school can go back and change all the kids' last names that are in their records. I told him that wouldn't be necessary, that they will eventually know their birth names anyway. I just want to make sure that from December on, their names will be changed in the records to our last name.

[riley6]

One more thing, I would ask the teachers if they allow nick names to be used on papers, ie, Robert to write "Bobby" etc. Let them know that children identify strongly with their names and that if your son identifies with his adoptive name NOW, that is the name he will be writing on his paper NOW.

Congratulations, btw, on your finalization. Three weeks, what date? Ours hopefully will be the 20th!

[MomofKaden]

Oh this is SOOOO wierd! My hubby is a teacher and I know at the start of every semester he goes down his roster and asks each kid what they like to be called, such as nicknames, etc. I just thought this was standard procedure. ANYWAY, I think it is crazy that they wouldn't do this - I would definitely talk to the principal - but I would be sure to be respectful and kind. The only thing I will say is that the electronic grading system would in fact have your child's legal name, and so for that reason, I can see how having another name on papers could confuse matters, but unless your child's teacher has hundreds of different students, I don't see why it would be a real source of trouble/confusion...it would simply be something they could remember or switch over in their own system...your child wouldn't ever be aware of any of that behind the scenes bookwork, so for all intents and purposes he'd be known by your name. I would definitely request this of the school - just be clear and kind and I think it should work out fine. Good luck to you and congrats on the upcoming finalization!

[lizzy0921]

Thanks to you all for your responses.

I am very angry at the moment and have written a letter to the teacher. We'll see tomorrow where it gets me and james. Maybe a trip to the principal will be needed. We'll see

Liz

Here is the content of the letter i have written...comments are welcome! (p.s. just as a note, this is the second time I have discussed this with the teacher. The first time was 2 weeks ago in person!)

Dear (Teacher name),

It has been brought to our attention that James is being denied his personal right to use our last name on classroom papers and work. Please accept this letter as a request from us, James adoptive parents. We are requesting that he be allowed to use our last name in the classroom. He completely understands that on state school tests and on records in the school office, his legal name of (legal name here) must be used.

James is to be legally adopted on December 2. That is a mere 3 weeks away. Please note that he has lived in our home since July 2002, all the while using our last name. He was allowed, as it was welcomed by all faculty, to use the name (our last name here) at (School name here) Elementary. We feel that James privacy is being denied. The name change, and use of it right now, is important for James. He feels he finally belongs somewhere permanent.

It is correct in saying that James legal last name is part of his personal identity but it also brings feelings of insecurity, loneliness, sadness, and pain. James feels safe and secure in our home, something we have worked hard to achieve for him and his brother and if it helps him to feel more secure by using our last name, then so be it.

James has a special life. It was his decision to use our last name and his decision to have it as his own. When his name is crossed out on his class papers (i.e homework or classwork), great sadness and confusion overcome him. He has had little to say about his life and his destiny, and by allowing him to have some control over such a personal decision, such as the use of a name, allows him to finally feel important and in control of something regarding his personal life.

It is our duty as his parents to protect and help make James feel safe and secure. This is not only very important to James but to our entire family unit. While I can’t change the sadness that has already occurred from this problem, it is our right as parents to try and make sure the problem is fixed and/or eliminated.

Should there continue to be a misunderstanding with this important request, please note that I am more than willing to sit down with you and the school Principal to discuss matter this further. You can contact me at (TEL #) if need be.

Thank you for your time and understanding,

[lambeausam]

With my two sons' adoptions, I was issued a writ after the intial hearing that said something to the effect...

Jane Doe has leave to name this child James Doe.

This provided a legal basis for the name change at school, church, etc. The only time prior to finalization that I had to use the birth name was in dealing with permanent education/health records, and the social security office. Is it possible that you have such documentation?

[spaypets]

Your letter is wonderful. You were very respectful despite the fact that you must be seething. I doubt I would have been as polite -- when the first discussion with the teacher didn't work, I would have flown off half cocked to the principal -- your way is much nicer and probably more effective. I'm going to have to remember your lesson in case I ever need to deal with something similar.

What will be your next step if the letter doesn't work -- since the finalization is so close, will you let the matter drop once it occurs? I wonder at this teacher's seeming hostility.

Please let us know what happens.

[HappyMomAnna]

We are also less then 30-days fropm finalization and have had the same kinds of problems..... When I tried to talk to the principal he actually told me, "this is when we start to wonder if the child is actually kidnapped!"
My daughter is only 5 and they insist on sending home papers with her birth name! I eventaully had to bring the caseworker into the issue and he went to the school and told them to STOP it! That the policies are fine when 5-year olds don't get hurt but, the policies are unacceptable when a child is hurt.....
I also contacted our District and the State Board of Education..... It is a buch of BS and I eventually told the school that if they could not call my daughter by her new name she would not go to school until the adoption was final....... period. It has not been perfect but, at least there has been an effort now to not use her birth name..... I also contacted my State Post Adoption center and got the training for teachers and educators on adoption sensitivity ...... I asked the school to use on their next in service day......
The public schools are so far behind in their understanding and acceptance of older children adoption....It is going to take us parents demanding the schools to catch up and honor our children..... I have told the school that they violate my childs right to privacy and are not respecting her and that has helped.... but the schools need to have mmore preasure from us before they are going to get it.

[lizzy0921]

Yes our finalization is ONLY 3 weeks away BUT 3 weeks can seem like a lifetime to a kid. So if this letter doesn't work (btw its 1:15 and I haven't heard from my son or the teacher so maybe everything is okay), anyways if this letter doesn't work then I will go to the principal and request my son is moved to another classroom for the classes he has this particular teacher. This teacher is the only one that seems to have a problem with it. Oh yeah, a few weeks ago I called a meeting with the teachers and brought up the topic of the name use (this was the first notice to the teacher in question), anyways, my sons Math teacher said he had told her that he was being adopted but she said she thought he was lying and just wanted to be first in line, in class, etc. GO FIGURE!!!!!!!!!! I think I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I WAS SOOOOOO PEEVED!!!!! I realize there must be some kids who kiddingly say stuff about being adopted or whatever, but if a child is saying this to a teacher I would think the teacher 1st step would be to confer with the school office, NOT think the child is lying. I am not too happy with this school.

Liz

[HappyMomAnna]

oh I agree with you and cannot believe how insenstive the schools seem to think they have the right to be!!!!
Personally, I would talk to the principal anyway and talk about how your child was treated. Teachers who do not give merit to something like this being said have a problem..... Any teacher who would discount this kind of statment will discount more then just this.... This teacher does not sound like a teacher for the children it sounds like a judgemental person who ignors the words of the student and these kinds of teacher do not respect their students. If a teacher cannot give pause to a statement like this what would the teacher do if some other "issue" was presented..... like "Joey offerend me drugs" or "so and so brought a knife to school"
Either way I would talk to the principal and maybe even the district and truthfully I would ask for my student to be moved out of a class where the children are considered to be minipultive liars..... what kind of teacher assumes such a thing?

[lucyjoy]

This is a violation of privacy rights. Have you tried having the social worker call them?

[lizzy0921]

Hi everyone....

Our update on giving the teacher that letter is a good. My son said she read the letter, crumbled it up, threw it away, and came over to him and told him it was ok to use our last name...well DUH of course its okay. Anyways, I told my son that if he has any problems with her to politely follow all the rules and do what he is expected to do in school then come home and let me know about the problem. He is pretty compliant and not one to be rude to an adult so I know he be fine.

Should we have further problems with the teacher, then I will visit the principal.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support. Now its my turn to return the favor.

Liz