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#1
11-01-2003, 09:20 AM
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Adoption Poll
Hello, I thought I'd post this poll I thought up on two boards here at the forum -- I think it will be interesting to read everyone's!! It kind of only fits bMoms and aMoms - but adoptees are welcome to jump in on it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.) How are you connected to adoption? 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? 20.) Write anything you wish here:
__________________
Mom & Lifemom Child Photographer & Adoption Author Remembering Cindy Jordan ... "Children are not the sum of one or two people who love them, but the sum of the many people who love them, and shape their lives in large and small ways. As my daughter's lifemother, I don't complicate my daughter's life, I compliment it. " -- from my article, Why I Chose Lifemother (Skye Hardwick) 
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Adoption Information
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#2
11-01-2003, 09:29 AM
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Skye's Answers
1.) How are you connected to adoption?
-- I'm a birthmom 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? -- Usually I'm so preoccupied with it being Emmie's birthday in November. As another birthmom said, and I feel the same way, I'd rather celebrate the life of my daughter than her adoption. Though, I can see the need for Adoption Month - brings great light to adoption for the older children needing homes. 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? -- Well, I remember finding out my brother's second best friend - a neighborhood kid - was adopted. Me and this kid liked eachother and I was surprised to find out he was adopted. I remember thinking that he must not look like his parents and brother, but that's about it. I was only about eleven or so. 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? -- When I was six, my dad and mom were friends with these people who owned a local greenhouse. They had a daughter who was a year younger than me, named Sarah, and we played together. I remember noticing that she didn't look like her parents -- Sarah had beautiful skin and dark hair ...and I remember my mom telling me that Sarah was native american and she was adopted. I remember having positive feelings about it, and not wondering what happened to Sarah's first parents. 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? -- Yes, a girl named Jen who was very popular. She came back senior year a bit plumper, and rumors were that she'd had a baby during the summer and placed her for adoption. I remember looking at her in Marketing class and wondering the things she'd gone through. I felt very sad for her and noticed that she didn't really fit in with her friends anymore ...like she carried a pain and knowing that was high above anything any of us could understand. I've thought about her through the years, and recently saw her as a waitress at my local Red Lobster -- she wasn't my waitress so I couldn't talk to her, but maybe I'll go back one day and talk to her.  Then another girl too ..Chris ...my best friend and I couldn't stand her and were always almost beating her up (she was a punk and was mouthy, lol) ...well, my best friend ended up being friends with her right after high school and that's when she told me that Chris placed a baby, Matthew, for adoption. I remember feeling discusted only after my best friend said that the adoptive parents paid Chris off with the new cavalier she was driving -- I don't know how, or if it was true ...but I remember feeling yucky about that, like she sold her baby. Then, the birthfather of Chris's son ended up working with me and he always tried to go out with me constantly, but I knew what he was about and always turned him down - even though he was pretty good looking. 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? -- Hmmmm, I know a few members of my family were going to adopt, but nothing ever came of it - so No. 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? -- Well, I remember when I was pregnant with Emily and just about to have her ...I'd already chosen Beth and Jim as parents ..and was still staying at the maternity home. This lady was there and said to me, "That sure is nice of them to let you see the baby" -- she said it with emphsis on the word "nice" and all the while this baby was still in my womb! So I said back, "Well, that sure is nice of me to let them have my baby in the first place" - and she shut up. Kind of snotty, I know ..but hey, I was 19! -- More recently, a year ago I was working for this lady ... I had been there for a year, so I thought it was safe to tell her about Emily. We were listening to that bMom song by Joni Mitchell (Little Green) so I thought the time was right to tell her. She clammed right up and right away I regretted saying anything. A week later she showed me the coolest doll and I said without thinking that I wanted to get it for Emily and she said, "It's kind of hard to buy something for someone you don't know" - and that hurt so bad, cause on one hand, it was true ...and on the other, it wasn't true -- urgh! 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? -- I'd learn more about the affects of the choice would have on me - I was totally unprepared by all the emotions and how deeply the adoption choice changed me. No one told me that in placing my daughter, I'd alter a part of me. I'm not the same -- every aspect of my life is rendered changed - from motherhood, to marriage, to career choices to friendships. -- Also, I wouldn't have placed Emily in the hospital, I wish we would have went to my nearby apartment or a church or something - hospitals are so cold and impersonal. 7.) Name a blessing (besides the child him/herself) that has come from adopting or placing? -- the relationship I've formed with Em's mom 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? -- yes, they have! I am for sure not 'pro-adoption' like I was the first year of my relinquishment ...now I'm pro-child ..whatever is best for the child ...which may mean parenting or placing. I realize that adoption is loss, that each side of the triad faces loss of their own - and my loss isn't more important than another loss. Pain is pain. 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? -- fully open 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? -- trying to find my place and where I fit in - I think I finally feel comfy in my place in my daughter's life. She will be coming to my son's bday party this weekend can I can't wait. 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? -- seeing Emily grow up and change 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the opposite side of the triad? (If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) -- The greatest lesson is learning about the other side's pain and hurts ..their disappointments and viewpoints 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? -- Calling an expectant mom a birthmom before she is - especially when adoption professionals do this! Grrrr! Also the "**" and "our birthmom" thing too -- PM me if you want to know why, lol. 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? -- yes, but from another country - just because I thought from the time I was young I would. Now that I know about open adoptions though, I don't think I could from another country since most international adoptions are closed. Well, will come to that bridge if and when I come to it. 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? -- No! Don't get me started! I went through two and they both were jerks. I'll mention this ...I was abandoned by my adoption agency ...and left to fend for myself. I wasn't even told about the counselling that the aParents had paid for me for after the adoption -- I got nothing! I've had better after care from car dealers than the adoption agency ...the agency whose ad in the phone books says "Birthparents are our priority" - righhhhhht! The good thing is that it lead me to start helping others and myself in the process. 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? -- Nope. Starting one some century though, lol. 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: -- Again, disappointment in my agency. 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: -- they think I don't want to talk about it, so they often avoid it and I can tell when people are avoiding it. 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? -- My websites, lifemothers.com & Woven Hearts: giftbaskets for birthmoms - fm magazine ... Brenda Romanchik's writing ...my writing, lol ..courtney Frey's writing/book - jim gritter's books - this forum - The Children of Open Adoption - The Ethics of Adoption 20.) Write anything you wish here: I've said enough!
__________________
Mom & Lifemom Child Photographer & Adoption Author Remembering Cindy Jordan ... "Children are not the sum of one or two people who love them, but the sum of the many people who love them, and shape their lives in large and small ways. As my daughter's lifemother, I don't complicate my daughter's life, I compliment it. " -- from my article, Why I Chose Lifemother (Skye Hardwick) Last edited by Skye Hardwick : 11-01-2003 at 09:33 AM.
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#3
11-01-2003, 09:56 PM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
I am an Adoptive mom of a beautiful 17 month old daughter 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? I am plannign ot send her Bmom a gift, not sure what yet 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? 2 of my 4 grandparents were adopted- 1 by the milk man, kinda funny 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? l think I was about 10, nad ?ed why I had 2 great granmothers from the same grandmom 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? No 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? my husbands cousin they do fost/adopt but are haivng trouble finalizing 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? We are very lucky in that most people are supportive. We heard dumb comments about getting pregnant and having"our own" child once we adopted 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? I would not have stopped at the family and let them throw a party on the way home from the hosptial, but spend some alone time with her first 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? I feel I am a better person, I look a the world through my daughters eyes and slow down a little-- I also try not ot judge what I don't understand 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? I know a lot more know. I remember meeting some Bmoms at the agency and learning they aren't scary people, they are loving wonderful poeple that deserve our utmost respect 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? I guess you'd call it's semi-open- we send pic and letters through the agency a nd if Bmom wanted she could send back that way- I did give her my cell phone number in a letter but she hasn't used it 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) They aren't scary. I remember the first tiem I hear she would pick us, it scared me. Then I met a few and found they were scared of us- that shocked me. 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? Outsiders who don't understand and give there 2 cents anyway 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? Yes and no- our social worker left right after our placement- we loved her, when we had a Bmom change her mind earlier, the first social woker cleared her whole day and sat and talk us through it. The new SW doesn't even return my calls 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? NO 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: i really don't think I have any, I can't imagine having a different child in my life 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: That I am not a "real" mom- I hate that label, I think it is wrong and unfair to all of us or that I don't/can't love her like I would a Bio child 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? Adoption Today- the articles by you Skye this forum 20.) Write anything you wish here: Thank you Skye for bringing up these questions and for all your writings. Michelle __________________
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#4
11-02-2003, 10:32 PM
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Re: Skye's Answers
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#5
11-03-2003, 12:12 AM
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1. I have 6 adopted children and soon to finalize number 7.
2. NO 3. I had a friend in foster care in seventh grade who was adoptd in ninth grade. 4. My mother talked about adoption when I was a small child. She had planned to run an orphanage when she met my father and got married. 5. My father told me to be careful what type of child I took as they could be psychopaths. Many people ask me which of my children are related. 6. I'd educate myself better about how the system works and about how early childhood trauma affects the brain. 7. I'm a lot stronger and I think I have more understanding of how my children's mothers ended up with the problems that caused them to abuse my/their children. It has given me more compassion and allowed me to be more open minded about some situations. 8. Love doesn't solve all the problems and adopting doesn't replace the first mother. Also, accepting the first mother is not the same as accepting the abuse. 9. All my adoptions are closed(although with some of the re-adopted children there is contact with the former adoptive parents). My Romanian born children have little info about birth parents, and my American born children do not at this time want any contact with their first moms. For some, I think it would be better if they chose never to change this for their own safety, for the others, there may be a benefit to having a relationship, but this is entirely up to them and I will support whatever choice they make. 10. n/a 11. n/a 12. My children's bmom's had horrible childhoods and are not the monters they were made out to be. They were repeating what they had learned. 13. People who consider healthy babies to be "waiting chilren" that they are doing a favor by adopting. Older and special needs children are the children who wait and I adopted to be a mom, not to do anyone any favors. 14.n/a 15. No, the education about the damage trauma does and how to help the children heal was very, very poor. 16. Yes, I belong to 2 support groups-one for adoption, one for attachment disorder and we have a family counselor who works with the children. 17. When I work really hard to help a kid and they don't heal or worse, sabbatoge themselves. 18. that were "saints" for taking these poor kids. We're just moms. 19. ADN newsletter, RADzebra.org, anything by Nancy Thomas, Foster Cline's books, Keck and Kupecky Adopting the hurt child. 20. There are kids who do not want to be adopted and some who do better in group homes where the intamacy of being a family member is removed. This is an ugly reality when adopting abused children and parents should not be judged when choosing not to go through with an adoption that will hurt all involved, including the child.
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#6
11-03-2003, 08:36 AM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
Parents through fully open domestic adoption 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? Participate in forums on adoption, donate 3 adoption related books to local library, ask library to set up adoption related display. 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? Yes, family friend ('Aunt') was an adult adoptee who reunited with bfamily about 2 years after we met her. 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? When we met 'Aunt' and she explained how her family was. 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? Did not. 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? Yes, cousins are parents through waiting child adoption. 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? Oh yeah. Lots of the standards, nothing too out of the ordinary. Wait - one, from parents through international adoption when we told them our plans 'so, you want a white baby then?' ARGH! 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? Nothing, actually. The journey is part of it, I wouldn't be the person I am without it and I like who I've become. 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? Calmer, more focused, warmer, more tolerant, priorities have completely changed. 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? I've gone from cautious participant to vocal voice. I wouldn't say I'm 'pro' anything except advocating for health in all members of the triad. 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? Fully open, integrated, we're like an extra-large family. 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? Keeping track of everyone LOL...seriously, I think the toughest part is keeping my 'opinons' out of the family dynamics regarding Ryan's bparents....I hear lots of views from brelatives and I must keep out of the politics for Ryan's sake. Also, making sure my family behaves appropriately...one of the best moments with my Mom was when she flatly said 'OK, picture with all the grandparents' and called Ryan's bgranddad over to get in the picture. It was a huge step for her and I was overjoyed for all of us. 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? My son will understand how much he is loved. 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) We are all on a path together and we are here to learn from each other. His bfamily has taught me so much about life - tenacity, commitment, finding solutions where none are apparent, all sorts of things. That and it is so important for my son to undertand why his life is the way it is! 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? Selfishness! 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? If I were unable to do the very best job I could, you bet I'd find parents who could. 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? Yes, loved them. They introduced us to open adoption and have been fantastic counselors, supporters, and disciplinarians! 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? We did attend support group before Ryan came. It was great. 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: I miss going to movies, reading books, and sleeping past 7 am. 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: That I'm some kind of saint or saviour. I explain that they saved ME! 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? Raising the Adoptive Child by Lois Molina, The Baby Book by Dr. Sears, Adoptive Families Magazine, Parenting with Love and Logic, The No Cry Sleep Solution 20.) Write anything you wish here: Thrilled to have a forum where we can talk about all aspects of the triad without 'soliciting' and politicking! Moderators do a great job. I wish there was more understanding between international, domestic, and foster care adoptive parents. Too much defense, not enough trust or compassion there I think. :-) Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas
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Thoughts become Words. Words become Actions. Actions become Character. Character is Everything. "It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." - My friend Amy "As God is my witness," Mr. Carlson insists, "I thought turkeys could fly" Philly Area AParents Meetup! http://adoption.meetup.com/117/
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#7
11-03-2003, 09:28 AM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
We are trying to adopt a child. 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? I am getting my local paper involved and having them write a story. 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? Yes, a lot of my cousins were adopted 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? I remember growing up knowing since it was part of my family. 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? Yes, on of my best friends placed her baby. 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? Yes, as I said I have cousins who are adopted. 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? I've told people we would adopt a child up to the age of 4 and my husbands aunt siad, "I don't think you should take anyone older then 1 month because you don't want an older kid" 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? We're not done with the process yet so nothing yet. 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? Although we don't have a child yet, it's already changed my views. Adoption is a blessing and I didn't neccessarily know that before. 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? Like above, I didn't realize that adoption was so wonderful. 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? none yet 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? N/A 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? N/A 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) I've learned that Birthmoms aren't mean or bad people they are angels who entrust you with a precious gift. 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? WAITING! 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? N/A 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? we are with the government right now. 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? getting a support group together in my area 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: N/A 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: They don't know how the process works and assume you just put your name on a list and get a call seven or eights years down the road. 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? This wedsite ROCKS!!! Stacy
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Just Click here to visit my Journal Mom to 2 Boys Asher - Adopted at birth March 12, 2004 Nicolas - Adopted at 2 1/2 April, 2005 STOP DISCRIMINATION!!!
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#8
11-03-2003, 10:19 AM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
We are planning to adopt siblings from the foster care system. 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? No, other than it's time to order a bunch more books from Amazon! 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? Yes, a family in my church adopted 40 special-needs children, most from foster care. (yes, forty, not a typo) 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? I was familiar with the concept before I met the church family when I was 12, but I don't remember what I knew before then. 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? No. 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? My great-grandfather was adopted by his grandparents (mom was young and ran away right after). He was not told until he was 40+ and found out by accident. How awful to find out that way! 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? LOL, I get more rude/ignorant comments than supportive ones. Their loss! 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? Don't know yet, as we're not all the way through the process. 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? Again, don't know yet. 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? Don't know. 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? I anticipate a closed adoption, since my children will have been abused by birth family before coming to me. Depending on the bio family's future attitude, a semi-open is possible. 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) I already knew this, but it bears repeating: Birth families who lovingly place their well-cared-for child are an entirely different species from those bio families who abuse and neglect their children!!! They are so different they should have different names. 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? The term "special needs". It's too misunderstood. 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? So far, so good! 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? No, but they are available for when we're further along in the process. 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: Haven't gone that far in the process yet. 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: People think that once you've adopted, you'll get pregnant. Sorry guys, not possible here! 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? LOL, I have a book list six pages long. My favorites list takes up 2.5 screens in the browser. I read so many adoption/parenting magazines that I read them at the library so I don't have to pay for them! 20.) Write anything you wish here: Good poll, Skye!
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#9
11-08-2003, 05:13 PM
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Thanks Ladies for sharing your answers with us!! I've learned a lot from your point of view and experiences.
Thanks again!
__________________
Mom & Lifemom Child Photographer & Adoption Author Remembering Cindy Jordan ... "Children are not the sum of one or two people who love them, but the sum of the many people who love them, and shape their lives in large and small ways. As my daughter's lifemother, I don't complicate my daughter's life, I compliment it. " -- from my article, Why I Chose Lifemother (Skye Hardwick)
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#10
11-11-2003, 09:50 AM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption? I gave my daughter up for adoption.
2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? No. I didnt even know it was national adoption month. 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? No. 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? I think I was 12 or so. 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? Yes. My best friend gave her son up for adoption when she was 18. I was by her side the whole time. 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? Yes. My aunt gave her sonup when he was 3. He was autistic. She said it was the worst it could get. 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? I am a birthmother and I kept hearing "are you sure you can handle this?" It was very hard, but it was for the best of the child. 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? No. I wouldn't change anything. SHe is with a wonderful family and I know she is very loved and taken care of. 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? I am 21 and was 20 when I gave her up. I already had a 15 month old. I just promised myself that I wouldn't have anymore until I was done with college and until I was married. Adoption is a very hard thing. 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? After I gave her up, I read about adoption over and over. Even though it is very emotional especially being a birthmother, I find it very interesting. I would like to adopt one day. 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? I have a closed adoption. I get pictures and letters every 6 months so that makes me happy. 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) I am a bithmother. I learned that the aparents are the best people in the world. I love them to death. A-parents are wonderful people. If it is best to give up your child make sure that you have picked the right ones. I met the aparents of my daughter. They are wonderful. They couldn't have children. So, it made me happy to make them happy. 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? I'm sorry, but i dont know what a pet peeve is.... 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? Yes. I would adopt. Now knowing what adoption is all about and giving the child up for a good reason or for the best of the child I would. I would like to adopt a child from someone that can't take care of their child no matter what the reason would be. 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? I didnt go through an agency. 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? No. 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: I was just disappointed that I couldn't take care of her and I couldnt see her until she was 18. I did spend the time in the hospital with her that I was there, though. I'm glad about that. I got to hold her and feed her, etc.... 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: None. 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? I go to chat rooms and just read about it anywhere. 20.) Write anything you wish here:I'm glad I did what I did. It was for the best. Even though I miss her and love her, I know she is in a great home. I love the a-parents to death. I wish I could send them pictures of my son and I, but I can't. I'm not allowed to send them letters or anything. I couldn't take care of her on my own because I already had a son and my son's father didn't help and neither would my daughter's. So it was for the best. She will be 2 in May. It has gone by so fast so far. I hope time goes this fast until she is 18!!!
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#11
11-11-2003, 10:36 AM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
Adoptive mom to four 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? not really but since it is around the time of our first placement AND dd's birthday we end up talking about it more than other times of the year 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? I have several adopted cousins and knew several families who "adopted" unofficially 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? [I don't even remember, it was just a normal way to build a family. I did know from an early age that I would adopt[/b] 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? no 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? lots (see above) 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? many but most were just ignorance or people being innocently curious and less than tactful. The only truely rude (intentionally hurtful)comments have been on the net 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? Our older children were placed in closed adoptions and if I could do it over I would have gone around the agencies inorder to have contact with the birth family. With our subsequent adoptions we made sure the birth parents could always contact us 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? Raisimg children is what I always wanted to do with my life. Adopting has allowed me to achieve that but adopting the children I have with their own unique challenges and abilities makes me sure that there was a plan 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child?I have become more hopeful and more cynical at the same time. I see positive changes for all members of the triad and especially for waiting xchildren but it is still slow going. I have witnessed in the past year some really underhanded and ethically challenged people involved in the process 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? Two full cloed that we are seeking to open, one fully open and one semi open that is new so we will see how that goes 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? can't think of anything hard. It just is what it is. I love them fsaults and all, they are family. 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? For my kides, having the continuity of their first family in their lives, for me the ability to get information and in the case of our third child a precious relationship with his birth family. They are my only family that is local and coincedentally we like them and look forward to spending time with them 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms)I went to a great support group meeting with Sam' birthmom and learned just how worried about rejection expectant moms and birth moms were. From this side of the triad it was amazing to see hey were feeling exactly the same way we were 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? It's a tie between greedy professionals and patronizing ones. Of course it is eay to spot the ones who are in it for th $$ and will screw birth parents and adoptive parents with equal aplumb but it is the ones who claim to speak for members of the traid, claiming they know best that I detest. Good SW work means giving people the education resources and tools to speak for themselves and supporting their voices 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? Lack od education on openness 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? occasionally attend a group at "The Kinship Center" for all members of the traid and families 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: That for far too many people I will never be acknowledged as my children's parent. I will forever be raising "someone elses's child" 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: Adoption in tenuous and temporary 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? "Adopting After Infertility" "The open Adoption Experience" 20.) Write anything you wish here: maybe latert
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#12
11-13-2003, 12:34 AM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
BIRTHMOM 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? NOT YET I AM GOING TO SEND AMOM A E-CARD 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? NOT UNTIL I TURNED 13 WHEN I FOUND OUT MY STEP DAD WAS AN ADOPTEE 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? AT THE AGE OF 13 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? NO 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption? MY STEP DAD 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? If you are an adoptee, have you received rude comments? MY FAMILY WAS VERY RUDE SOMEONE IN THE FAMILY TOLD ME I SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently THE ONLY THING I WOULD CHANGE I WOUL DHAVE HELD MY DAUGHTER LONGER IN THE HOSPITAL 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? IT HAS MADE ME A STRONG PERSON AND SEE THINGS COMPLELY DIFFERENT 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO MEAN BUT BEFORE I PLACED I THOUGH PEOPLE WHO PUT THERE CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION WERE THE WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD NOW THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IT I NOW SEE HOW STUPID I WAS IN THINKING THAT AND I AM SORRY TO EVERYONE FOR THINKING THAT 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? SEMI-OPEN 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) I JUST PLACED A COUPLE MONTHS AGO SO THE ONLY THING I HAVE REALLY LEARNED SO FAR IS HOW MUCH PEOPLE GO THROUGH TO ADOPTE AND HOW HARD IT IS WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE GETTTING A BABY THEN BMOM CHANGES HER MIND 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE ABOUT ADOPTION AND THE SAY "YOU GAVE YOU CHILD AWAY" NO I DIDN'T I GAVE MY CHILD A BETTER LIFE" 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? NO OH I DON'T KNOW MAYBE 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? YES YES YES ..THEY WERE GREAT WITH EVERYTHING NOT A THING I DID NOT LIKE 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? NO I CAN'T FIND ONE IN MY AREA 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: JUST THE LOST OF MY BABY IT WAS MONTHS BEFORE A COULD TAKE A BATH WITH OUT CRYING I SPENT MY WHOLE TIME IN THE BATH TUB WHEN I WAS PREGANAT WITH MY BABY IT WAS THE ONLY TIME I COULD BEALONE 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: THAT I DON'T LOVE OR CARE ABOUT MY CHILD 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting THIS ONE AND www.birthmombuds.i8.com WHERE YOU CAN GET BUDDIED UP WITH ANOTHER BIRTHMOM 20.) Write anything you wish here:
__________________
Birthmom to My Dear Sweet Baby Kaitlyn Born 2-22-03 I will always love you
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#13
11-16-2003, 12:25 PM
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1.) How are you connected to adoption?
Hoping to adopt a child 2.) Do you do anything special to celebrate national adoption month (Nov.)? Had never heard of it before this year. Hoping to have the guts to tell our whole family we are adopting during our Thanksgiving meal, in celebration of National Adoption Month. 3.) When growing up, did you know anyone connected to adoption? A neighbor who lived next door to me in my childhood. 4.) If you can remember, when did you first learn about adoption as a child? My mother told me that the previously mentioned next-door neighbor was adopted, and that is my first recollection about adoption. I thought of it as positive, and I remember how much the family doted on that little girl and loved her. She had two brothers who were her aparents' biological children. Unfortunately, when we were both around 7, I may have been the one who told her she was adopted. We were playing and I said something about it and then her brother socked me really hard and all of the parents on the street were up in arms. 5.) In high school, did you know anyone who had a baby and placed? My best friend. She placed twin boys. 4.) Anyone in your family, other than you, connected to adoption?One of my nieces is adopted. 5.) When adopting or placing your child, did anyone say rude/ignorant comments? What were they? Mostly, people to whom I am close are nothing but supportive. Those who I have made the mistake of telling who are not as close to me respond with pity. This has always confounded me because I have always communicated positively about adoption and have only communicated to my best friend any sadness about our infertility (I think that will be best for our child in that I don't want anyone to ignorantly communicate to him or her that s/he was a consolation prize when s/he was exactly who we wanted). So, now throughout our homestudy process I have been completely silent about us moving forward, except with close friends and relatives. It's stressful enough without the drama of others' misconceptions. 6.) If you had to do things all over again with either placing your child or adopting, what things - small or large - would you do differently? It remains to be seen. I'm still learning. Despite my self-imposed stress, things have gone pretty smoothly thus far. 7.) How has placing/adopting your child changed you? n/a 8.) How has your views changed on adoption since placing or adopting your child? n/a 9.) Do you have a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption? n/a 10.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the toughest thing about it? n/a 11.) If you have an open adoption, what has been the best thing about it? n/a 12.) What has been the greatest lesson you've learned about the other side of the triad? (example: If you're an aMom, what have you learned about bMoms) Hmmm. I think it's more about having smatterings of information about all sides of the triad and learning more. Nothing specific stands out. 13.) Name your biggest pet peeve in the adoption world? Sorry to break the rules but I have three:a) When desperate adoptive parents promise ongoing contact to birthparents and then disappear. That is just plain horrible, and it breaks my heart. b) When adoptees who are placed by birthparents are referred to as orphans. I'm not one to get hung up on titles (PAP [prospective adoptive parent] is one of the funniest things I have ever heard) but for some reason that sends chills up and down my spine. Makes me think of "Oliver." Another is when they are treated as though they should feel miserable because they are adopted, and as though they are in denial if they don't. Just in general, the whole thing of not respecting adoptees as individuals, but as a group that all thinks the same. c) When adoptive parents are treated like second-class citizens and beggars not worthy of the same amount of compassion and respect accorded to all members of the triad. I have found this with some adoption agencies that we have walked away from and, I'm sorry to say, from some in these forums and other newsgroups. I know that many more members of the triad have respect for each other than don't, especially nowadays, and I am always encouraged when I read stories of all members of the triad helping each other through our losses with mutual respect and concern. 14.) If you are a birthmom, would you ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not? n/a 15.) Are you satisfied with the adoption agency you placed/adopted through? Why or why not? Thus far, yes. They have been very efficient and they have moved quickly on everything we have requested. 16.) Do you currently attend a support group or receive any counselling through an agency? Just finished four weeks of pre-adoptive classes. I wish to find a support group nearby, and I believe our Resolve chapter offers them. 17.) Name a disappointment you've felt after placing/adopting: n/a 18.) Name a misconception people (family,strangers) have about you being an adoptive mom or birthmom or adoptee: That adoption is a "last resort" for us, and/or that our children will be lucky that we "saved" them. 19.) What books, magazines, websites, articles, links, etc ...have you found most helpful after placing/adopting? Before adopting: "Adoption after Infertility," "Adopting in California" 20.) Write anything you wish here: Thanks, Skye! As usual, here you are again working to help all members of the triad understand one another, and I appreciate you! 
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#14
01-27-2004, 09:01 PM
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Re: Adoption Poll
Quote:
Hi Skye....great questions....I miss you all over there.>>>>Marcia M
__________________
Not in my arms, always in my heart, now back into my life
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