[Papamba]

I have read so many posts lately which someone writes about only waiting a month or two before they are matched with an expectant mom. I feel like we have been waiting forever (11 mos.) I love to hear of all the wonderful matches but now I am starting to get depressed. Am I the only one that feels this way?

Pam

[stacyone]

No, I'm sure you're not. I know I'm just repeating what you probably already know, but I really believe that the soul that is meant to come to you, will. It's just frustrating when it doesn't happen in our timetable, isn't it?

[cj416]

NO!!! You are NOT the only one. Sometimes I feel so sad about the wait. It feels like it will never happen. We have been "approved"only since the begining of June, but have been going through the process since Feb..
I see all these people getting matches and I wonder why not me?It's not that I am not happy for those families, but sometimes I wonder when it is our turn. It really gets me when a person gets a match the week after getting approved.
What am I doing wrong???
Today is one of those days that I am so down.
Mon. and Fridays are the worst. Mon.'s becuase I wonder if it will be another week of nothing, Fri's because it has been another week of nothing.
What route are you taking??

[tobeafamily]

Pam,

It's very hard to hear of situations like that - as much as you're happy for everyone, it's depressing too. I remember one night I was on the elliptical trainer at the gym pounding out "ITS NOT FAIR" because one of the brand new couples in our group connected & became parents a month after starting their search. The ink was barely dry on their homestudy! We'd been searching for months! AARGH!

Of course, since God has a sense of humor, when I got back to the locker, my cell phone had a message from a friend that turned into the connection that brought us our son.

Here's what I can tell you:

1. Sometimes it's harder to have a quick placement than one where you've prepared yourself. Four months after Ryan was born a co-worker who wasn't even really searching got a call that led to her son. She had 3 weeks' notice and to this day describes that time as 'very not-fun'.

2. As much as we'd like to think that that person's child could have been/should have been ours, it's not ever true. Babies and birthfamilies are no more interchangable than spouses. I can tell you honestly that there is no way Ryan's bfamily would've connected with any of the other couples who we knew, nor would their children's bfamilies have connected with us. It's like finding your spouse/soulmate - very rarely do we meet the person whose soul completes ours on our first date ever.

So be frustrated, shout at the wind, then pick yourself up and continue on. The challenge in domestic adoption is that 'you never know' - and you really don't.

Hang in there.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas (who became ours exactly 354 days after our homestudy was completed)

[y2jasmine]

You are definitely not alone. Hubby and I started the fostering-to-adopt approval process in January. We were approved for fostering in May but didn't get to start the adoption approval process until late June. Then, we finished a course in July but didn't get to have our home visit until early September...not it's mid-October and our hopes of having our child by Christmas are fading fast.

One of the things that make it so hard is that the room is all ready. There is a crib, change table, dresser, rocking chair, and bookshelf. There is even bedding on the crib. It's so sad to walk in that room and see nothing but an empty crib. Somedays I can barely stand it and want to put everything away. Today is one of those days...

BUT, on the other hand...I know that someday we will get our little girl and she will be ours. So really, what is a few months when she'll be with us for a lifetime.

[lovestory]

I also have felt the difficulty of the wait. We really have been waiting awhile. Sometimes I read 'we have been waiting for 7 months now, and still nothing.' I think, that is still shorter then a normal pregnancy. We started the certification process last year in January, got certified in July. So we are going on 21 months (from beginning of process). Which is about the length of pregnancy of an elephant!

Yet, most of the time I feel at peace with this wait...knowing that if I have patience, we will adopt the next child that is supposed to be in our home and our hearts. (We waited 20 months from start of process to adopting our son, 3 years ago.)

Pam, good luck to you during this wait...prepare, and find peace. I hope that it has helped to have others share their struggles and heartache. Sometimes shared sorrow, is half the pain. As in shared joy is double the joy.

Best to you (and each of us) during this time,
Stephanie

[nawlinsmom]

Pam:
I am one of those people who did not have to wait as long for a placement, once I signed on with a agency. However, I had been with an attorney for 15 months prior to signing up with American Adoptions so even though I was matched within six weeks I do know how frustrating and heart breaking the wait can be. For me it was the phone calls telling me my profile was being reviewed and was among the top two profiles and all the birthmother had to do was to make up her mind. I now wish I would have never had gotten those calls, they were the worse when you would be called back and told that the birth mother had choose someone else, and not you. I too questioned why not me, what is wrong. I redid by profile every six months at the adivse of a friend and if I do say so my self each time it got better as I put more thought in to it. I truly believe as stated in other replies that my son Ryan was meant to be with me. After learning that his birth mom had some health problems I initially passed on him, (that is the hardest thing for me to say), but somehow I was haunted by the thought of this baby going some place else. When he was born the birthmom asked the agency to call me to see if I would reconsider, now how many times would that happen. I told the agency I would have to think about it over night, well again I could not get this baby off of my mind, so just hours later I called the agency back and told them I would love to be his mom. Please don't give up hope because as I and others have said, your child will find you. I hope it is soon and I will keep you in my prayers.

Ryan's Mom

[amom4life]

Pam,
You are definitely not the only one who feels that way! I genuinely feel happy for everyone here who is getting matched or bringing home their children. I feel the same for all of the couples going through the same facilitator as us who are being matched and bringing home their babies. BUT it does get depressing as well. But it's also encouraging in a way.

I know from our paperwork that it doesn't look like we've been waiting long (3 mos.) , but I waited 9 years for my husband to finally be ready to adopt again. So I've really been waiting 9yrs and 3mos!! And We're sooo ready!

Our nursery is complete and decorated in Classic Pooh. We have our car seat, bouncy seat, gender nutural clothes, and all the basics. So I can completely relate to the poster who has a hard time going into a nursery that is empty of the most important -a child. I quit going in there much though. We also have a porta crib set up in our room where our baby will be for at least the first three mos.

One thing I would suggest to make the wait easier is to do some things that interest you that aren't baby related. Easier said than done But it does help a little. I think the holidays fast approaching adds some to the depression too.

Anyway, keep having faith because I know that it will happen for all of us. It's just down to that timing thing again!:P
HuGs,
Judy

[tobeafamily]

Sorry folks, I'm with Sharon on this one.

NO PERSON is a 'vehicle' for any other person.

God intended for people to conceive children for His purposes alone with that particular soul. The fact that His plan also includes your becoming the parent of that child IN NO WAY means that He simply uses another to complete that part of His plan.

My son's birthmother carried him in her body to fulfill a purpose special to her and to him. My parenting him fulfills an equally important but separate purpose for he and I.

And guess what? His bfamily and we have found out that we need each other just as much as he needs all of us to become the person we all believe he can become. Surprise - I didn't just need to parent her child, I need her and the rest of his family in my life to help me along my journey and for that I am eternally grateful.


Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[nawlinsmom]

Obviously if I can not conceive the only way for me to have a child in God's plan was for a third party to be brought in, how else could any infertile person be a parent? Again I did not want to offend anyone, my main point was that I can not image my life without my son and I thank god for his birth mom and for him everyday, no matter how he got here.

And to clarify, I never ever implied or imagined that "God" would inflict untold suffering on another human being in order to further my personal aim of adopting a child. I also echo your thought "I'm sorry for the pain that bparents have to endure, but again thank GOD everyday that a bmom choose me and I am sorry that you are reading something into my statement that was not intended.

[JoanneFromNYC]

Originally posted by Papamba
I have read so many posts lately which someone writes about only waiting a month or two before they are matched with an expectant mom. I feel like we have been waiting forever (11 mos.) I love to hear of all the wonderful matches but now I am starting to get depressed. Am I the only one that feels this way?
Pam

Hi Pam....I'm sure you're not the only one who feels that way!! Try spreading the word a little...you never know what may come from it. Good luck to you!!

[melon161]

I think we should get back on track here and not attack one person for choosing the wrong wording. We all know she meant well.

Pam I feel your pain, we are waiting too. Maybe we can talk sometime.

Hugs,

[redhedded]

We believe that our choices as independent thinking, rational human beings combined with the universal powers brought our perfect daughter into our lives. We waited more than one year. We were told several times that we would be, "matched quickly," as we were young, childless, professional and resided in a large urban area. We experienced two failed matches and remembered that our short lived sadness could never compare to a lifetime of a mother's regret. We maintained enthusiasm and conviction that when the time was right, it would happen. I know that the wait is painful but once your child arrives, it will be a distant memory.

[georgiagirl]

I used to get so frustrated because I did not even have a lead on a possible situation. As far as I knew, my profile was not even being reviewed. I had the nursery completed and had done everything that I could think of to do. So I started doing things that I always wanted to do, but might not be able to do with a small child.
Then I got a call one day and thought the agency was calling to tell me that some one was reviewing my profile. I had just applied with the agency. The agency had recently changed their policy about working with singles. The wait was about 3 1/2 years from the start to the call that I had been selected and almost four before he was home with me.

Coming home with him made all the previous pain a distant memory.

Perhaps this helps some...

[Linny]

No, you're not the only one. We have adopted a bunch of times over the past 23 yrs. I can tell you that the waiting for the first one, was no greater than this wait for the next one! This present wait has been the longest yet.....and some days, I think it's about to be the 'only thing I think about'!
I know that 'when it's the right baby/child, it will be'. I'm surprised at my lack of patience; and yet, I say too, that I'm glad to read of other's experiences and newly known babies in their arms. With those experiences, I think, "Well, at least it was 'someone's turn'!!!!

Take heart.....there are many of us in the same basket as you. Let's hope that we all find the right, successful 'matches' sooner, than later.

Most sincerely,

Linny