[Xanny]

Can anyone tell me the "right" thing to say when asked (by agencies, homestudy, etc.) why we want to adopt? Of course it's important to tell the truth, but there are many factors involved in our decision, so the "truth" could be stated in different ways. Here are some of our reasons:

1) We want to be parents (duh)

2) We tried to conceive but were unsuccessful (I'm concerned about this one because we didn't try for a year, only six months, and because we haven't been diagnosed with infertility. There are medical reasons that made us stop trying, but they are making it difficult to conceive, not impossible. We haven't been tested for any form of infertility.)

3) We think that given the number of children who need homes, adoption is a better course for us than infertility treatment

4) We are also not interested in going through the emotional roller-coaster that infertility treatment can be

5) We do not have the financial resources to go through fertility treatment AND adoption.

Is it best to go through the whole explanation, or is it better to "keep it simple" and if so, what "simple" explanation would you recommend?

[angelical]

My situation might be somewhat unique (I don't know), but NOTHING that we have told our social worker has been simple!

I don't know if we just have a particularly chatty and questioning SW, or what, but we have talked for HOURS with her about all of our reasons for adopting, our goals, hopes, dreams, backgrounds, spirituality, education, future plans......... etc etc etc!!

I don't know if this is typical or not, but I'm sure that we have discussed at least that many "reasons" with our SW, if not more!

Sharel

[Xanny]

Thanks, Sharel!

That is comforting. But what about applications for agencies? The one I was looking at had a very small space to write in. Do I need to "sum up" and if so, how should I do it?

--Xanny

[angelical]

I could be the wrong person to answer this, especially if you are looking at infant adoption....

In our case, we are doing waiting child adoption, through a private agency that works in cooperation with the state.

I talked to several agencies on the phone, and narrowed the list down to those that I thought fit our needs the most. Then, I made an appt for us to meet with Rainbow.

The SW came to our house, and gave us the application and the homestudy papers.

We worked on all of it together, so I'm not sure what all I wrote on the app versus the other papers.

My guess is to think of the most important reason that you have to adopt and focus on it on the application. Then, expand on that in the homestudy and interviewing, whenever you get to that.

Good luck!
Sharel

[May4u2nvme]

Don't worry, I am sure everything will be fine, you don't have to be infertile to adopt. All your reasons are good for not going through with infertility in my point of view. We decided the same thing, since we have infertility problem, but I am sure there is a chance for us to get pregnant it's to slim. We don't want to deal with such a slim chance and go through the "roller coaster" either. We decided that we would go straight to adoption since that way its more of a guarantee. As far as your choice not to seek treatments, you have made a desicion necause you health could be compremised along with your baby if you did become pregnant. We too are just in the begening stages of adoption, and have not had our meeting with our SW, but we told her via phone what our reasons where and she seemed ok with it. Remeber that she is not there to judge you necessarily but just to see that you would provide a stable loving enviornment for a baby. Good luck, I'm sure you'll do great!

[tobeafamily]

We wrote 'because there's a hole in our hearts that we believe a child is out there to fill' on our application. When the SW asked us about it during our interviews, we related our entire 'story' to them - attempts to concieve, we did infertility testing (covered by ins) but didn't do extensive treatment. She asked why, and we said simply this 'we didn't go to the ends of the earth to conceive, we went to the ends of our heart'. When it came down to choosing my husband or the opportunity to conceive, I chose him. Infertility TX was destroying us.

We're now the proud parents of a beautiful 17 month old son, the absolute light of our lives. I was there for his birth, the first to hold him, and we have a strong relationship with his bfamily.

So, whatever you write, do so from the heart. That will say more about you than whatever words you write.

Take care, best of luck.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Xanny]

Thanks, Regina!

Your post made me feel much better. I, too, felt like the effort to conceive was not good for my marriage. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

--Xanny

[LynMaria]

We have two bio. sons and have been fostering for over 6 years. We are waiting to bring our 3 y.o. son home from New York (special needs) and are in the process of adopting our 3 yo foster daughter. My answer was and is that "children are what makes my world go 'round". I always have loved kids and relish in just being in their little glorious presences. They are cherubs! I cannot stand the thought of one single child without family and a sense of belonging. I have felt this way since I was 5 and at that tender age, I already knew I would foster and/or adopt children not as likely to have forever homes. I never use the term "unadoptable" because I simply don't believe that awful term applies to any human being though I have heard it used often. My nurturing side comes out best when I am caring for kids. It just so happens that I was also blessed with a wonderfully supportive husband and two sons always ready to share and give. I guess my answer would be....I'm following my heart. Best wishes to you in growing your family through adoption. It gives me the same thrill as giving birth...it's totally amazing!!

[georgiagirl]

I sent you a pm.

Virginia

[HappyMomAnna]

This is one of the questions you always think there must be some magic answer for....
I think the answer phasing would be dependant on if you are adopting a newborn and the birthmother is selecting or if you are dealing with the state... The content is the same, the way it is said is what would change....
I can only speak for my situation and we adopted siblings from the WAITING child role at our state. We told our caseworekr we knew that with alot of money, time and drugs we would be able to force science into giving us a newborn...but, we felt wrong about that choice...we felt if we had that much money to spend and time to use we should look at children who needed a home more then anyone.

[LynMaria]

Great answer !!!

[Brat]

I worried that our reasons for adopting would not be good enough either. There's a slim chance that we can get pg on our own, and maybe treatment would have increased our odds. But we've always thought we were going to adopt at some point, regardless of whether we had bio children, so there's no time like the present to just move on.

I got the sense from our social worker that she was more interested in how much we'd love our child, than she has been about how we feel about our infertility. When she asked, I told her that of course trying and trying and having no baby to show for it has been depressing. But there wasn't much else to say about that--sometimes life sucks. I guess everything else we had to say about adoption spoke volumes, because she was done w/that line of questioning pretty quickly.

I will bet if you just share w/her what you shared w/us, you'll be just fine!

[Jenny1565]

This has been a very interesting thread for me to read. I didn't know that there were so many people out there in the same boat as us, unable to conceive, but never having gone through the fertitlity treatments, thinking that our money would be better spent on adoption that would definately bring us the child that we want. After a year of paperwork and waiting, we will go to Russia in Nov. (only a month away) and pick up our beautiful 7 month old daughter. I grew up with a brother who was adopted, and always had warm feelings about the process. We had a failed adoption through the state 1 1/2 years ago, so we chose International adoption., as we couldn't handle the rollercoaster again. Best of luck to everyone. It helps to realize other people understand what you've gone through.
Jenny

[Brat]

Absolutely, Jenny! Glad to have provided a semblance of understanding on the journey.

Infertility has been really painful, but not nearly as much as it has been for my friends who are determined to have a bio child and subject themselves to treatment after invasive treatment. I deeply, deeply respect them for their commitment to be true to their own processes. However, I worry about them, wondering how much harder it may be for them to move forward than it has been for me. I also feel blessed to have been created with such positive, warm feelings about adoption--imagine if you had to overcome infertility *and* negative feelings about adoption?

We're pretty much keeping our adoption business to ourselves--at least until the homestudy is complete--but we've told a few folks. The neat thing is that we are so genuinely happy to start our family this way, and it shows, that everyone says, "Congratulations! I'm excited for you guys!" rather than, "Oh. Well, OK." I think it would be harder on us if we were surrounded with negative energy.

That said, congratulations to you for getting to bring your child home soon! I hope your trip is beautiful, safe and fruitful.