[skelley2002]

My wife and I are still licking our wounds and haven't decided what our next step in the adoption process will be. But I've begun researching our options; the possibilities, of course, run the gamut from international to domestic to special needs. When we decided to adopt this summer, the situation was an opportunity that we felt we couldn't refuse, (Wish I could make that decision again!) even though we had not yet eliminated having our own (a couple of miscarriages and some fertility issues).

We set up a private, open adoption with a Mexican immigrant. Both the father and the mother of the child are Hispanic. Our decision meant we would be raising a child with a different skin color and from a different culture. We considered how the community of friends and family -- where we live, congregate, play and work -- would react to such an adoption. In nearly every case, we felt we could overcome any challenges that might arise related to racial and cultural differences. In fact, we looked forward to learning about the child’s birth culture and integrating pieces of it into our lives.

The one area that bothered us dealt with where we live. My wife and I have a small horse farm in a rural area of Alabama. While we love our neighbors (both African American and white), the area harbors a sense of intolerance -- on both sides. The school district where we are zoned has both white and black kids, but no Hispanics. No problem -- there's a highly integrated Catholic School in a neighboring city that is affordable.

Since we don't live in a neighborhood and the children of most of our neighbors are grown, we figured our child would socialize elsewhere and we could control -- at least in the beginning -- a lot of those worrisome cultural episodes. Besides, this is not the South of the 1950s and 1960s and Hispanics are growing in number in our state.

Fast forward to this week. After speaking with six agencies in our area, it is clearer to me our domestic options (at least with agencies) are limited to AA babies or white babies. There are a few babies of mixed race and almost no Hispanic children. Most AA babies are given to white couples, who live out of state and largely up North. That surprised me a little, but I suspect white adoptive parents in Alabama face the same question we do: Can we successfully raise an AA child in our state?

I don’t want a discussion about how backward my state is. I’ve been all over the world and spent a lot of time up North and out West. I know that race is an issue everywhere, and from discussions on this board, some people are just plain rude wherever you are and no matter the race difference. I’m not just worried about white people in our area. I’m also worried about African Americans. Both groups have some pretty strange view of adoption and interracial relationships.

But that’s not really the issue.

I want to help my wife and myself make a decision and can’t figure out what to weigh heaviest. Those of you who have adopted across race lines made this decision at some point. What criteria did you use? What was important? What real fears came true and what fears were overwrought? I’m not worried about my child be discriminated against because he is black (there's little I can do to avoid that); I’m worried he will be discriminated against because my wife and I are white.

My wife and I are liberal. We know we can give a child the love they need no matter what the circumstance. I’m keenly aware of race, having minored in African American studies in college, and researched a book on race in the South. Still, I’m out of my depth here. I’ve ordered some recommended reading, but I also want real world advice.

We may go no further in this direction than this discussion and our research, but this is a good place to start.

Thanks for this advice, and, of course, for all your kind wishes and prayers during our last adventure.

Sean

[lovestory]

Our family has talked about some of the same issues. Special needs/age/ethnic background. To try and discover what WE can do as a family.

My husband has made a similar comment, as far as adopting a child of a different race. (We are both cc, and we have an adopted son who is also cc) He said that it's 'tough enough to be a kid, as it is, why add an additional burden of looking extremely different then the rest of the family.' Actually adopting from a different ethnic background (or biracial) is something we feel as a family CAN work, and are willing to consider. It is through ongoing prayer and information gathering that we will know, for sure.

With special needs, I feel our family needs to have more training and understanding for such an undertaking. It is something that we are highly considering in the future, maybe when we have older children who can be helpers, and be good older brothers and/or sisters.

Age: We often have felt that 'birth order' is important, in saying that...our son is 3 so we have an adoption age of between infant and age 3.

Each family has their own unique and individual circumstances that factor in to what type of adoption is good for them. Things like community, funds, extended relatives, and such, are things that have to be considered. No one should judge others for what they can and cannot do.

Best of luck to your family, and all others!
Stephanie

[tobeafamily]

Hi Sean,

I think every family's decision on ethnic heritage of an adopted child is a challenging one. We ourselves struggled mightily.

What is most important I think is this: In your heart, could you raise this child in an environment where they would be cherished, celebrated and not ostracized for being 'different' from others? As much as I'd like to say your community and family doesn't matter, it does. Period. Your child is a member of your extended family and community and must feel a part of it.

This was the criteria we set. Though for us it meant walking away from some situations ideally we believe it was best for this child who comes to us through grief and loss. We couldn't add to that arbitrarily.

BTW just because an agency says something is 'unlikely' never means 'impossible' IMHO. We're living proof of that. Follow your (wounded, I understand) hearts, that's my best advice, for that's where God speaks.

HTH, not sure it does much.

Regina