[skelley2002]

We have been at home with our adopted son now for five days. Today the period of withdrawal passed, but we know the birthmother has changed her mind and we think, mailed the required forms to end the adoption and have the child returned.

I thought I was okay with this part of the process, this possibility -- that the state has everyone in its best interest in establishing this period in which a biological parent can change her mind. Now, of course, I'm not so sure.

Our situation is complicated by many things, not the least of which is a desperate birthmother suffering from post-partum depression. There is evidence to suggest she may be attempting to sell the baby: repeated attempts to ask for more financial support and now the apperance of a mystery couple promising to take her in off the street and care for her and the baby.

Even if that evidence were not there, the mother's ability to care for the child is up in the air. She is homeless now. She has four other children she abandonned in her home country. None of the money she received as part of the court-approved support has been sent to them, and they were evicted along with her mother from the house she had in Mexico. She has no job.

Naturally, we are beside ourselves. No greater nightmare can we imagine. We have abandoned hope of taking home our baby and focused instead on a strategy of making sure the child's welfare is attended to. We intend only to surrender the child to a state agency.

We had a picture perfect adoption until Saturday. Now we are devastated and grow closer every moment to a child which may not be ours for long.

Sean, hopeful dad of Elias

[Linny]

I am so sorry for your situation. I applaud you in trying to do what seems to be best for this infant...despite the pain you are going through. My humblest sympathies......and let's hope others can see the 'best interests' for this baby too.

Most sincerely,

Linny

[AMom2Two]

I'm with Linny in applauding you in trying to do what is best for the infant. It does seem like a very sad situation. My heart breaks for that little baby and yourself.

If this was this bmothers first child and if we knew no background history, I would feel differently, but giving the history you outlined for us, I only feel sad for this little child, going from a home where they are deseprately wanted and loved to being on the street and possibly being placed with a potential couple, that seems desperate to get a child, at whatever costs.

What happened to her other 4 children? Are they in foster care or have they been adopted?

Please keep us posted.

Bye

[cathy102]

I'm lost for words. I will be praying that some how this child will be able to stay with you. You will be in my prayers today.

Please keep us posted on how things go..

Take care

Cathy

[tobeafamily]

Oh God Sean my heart is breaking for you. I'm praying right now that this child not leave your care and remain with you.

I'm sure you are consulting with your attorney, the court can and will consider any evidence of fraud in petitioning. This includes what could be considered extortion on her part - asking for money in exchange for your keeping the child, etc.

Have you also made available counseling to her? Is there an adoption professional who can sit with her and review her options, ability to parent, etc? They might also be able to testify on your behalf in any court proceedings if they believe she is attempting to behave fraudulently or with intent to extort. Has she seen a doctor regarding her postpartum depression?

Sorry if this is bombarding, I'm just heartbroken for you and hoping that any idea I might offer may be of help.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[melon161]

Sean,

I'm so sorry for you and your wife and your child. You are all in my prayers and I wish you the best of luck.

Stacy

[lovemyangel]

Sean,

We are praying for you. Hopefully the baby will end up staying with you and your wife. Don't give up, make sure all of the paper work is in order. Maybe there is a loop hole.

[amom4life]

Oh, Sean, my heart goes out to you ! Like Cathy I'm at a loss for words this is so devastating.
I'm praying for you and your family right now.
Hugs,
Judy

[Support2Adopt]

{{{Sean}}}
I am so very sorry. How did you find out she changed her mind? Does your agency or attorney have any advice as to how to proceed?
I am a firm believer that if a Birthmother changes her mind, she should be honored. However, in this case, since she has abandoned all of her other children and is looking for more money, that there may be a way you could fight to keep this baby.
JJ

[MomofKaden]

Sean,
I am so sorry to hear of what is happening. Please tell us - what has happened since you last posted? Has there been any progress made? You sound like very loving, responsible people and I hope and pray for what is best for sweet Elias. God bless.

[SoulWhisper]

skelley2002,

This situation tugged at my heart in two ways. The picture you paint of this woman makes me pity you and the child, making me wish for Elias to stay put. But I was once a birthmom fighting to have my son returned and I have to wonder what sort of story was told of me.

Where did you get your facts? Did the agency or SW tell you this or do you know this first hand?

If you know this first hand then I would have to commend your putting the child's safety and well being first. If this is second hand information, it could be false. It is the black tag in the history of adoption that lies are often told by agencies and SW's. This was my experience and has been the experience for many others.

In almost all adoptions, this is the risk but it seldom works in favor of the birthmother if an agency is the middle man. They will always fight to keep placement and slander the birthmother to keep their business and rep in tact. They will invoke legal stall tactics and extend it as long as they can until the dangers of RAD and other damaging effects of removal can be professionally proven.

I withdrew my appeal after two long years of battle because I could not tear my child in two. I was not unfit, though they surely slandered me to all lengths just like a divorce, it was horrible. And even as I passed all their studies and exams, they continued to legally beat and bully me out of my child.

I caved out of love and I have found my adult son but in speaking with his adoptive parents, the first thing his mom said was "you are the phone call every adoptive mother dreds", the second thing she said was "you hurt us when you tried to take "C" back". My love has won me nothing but I hope it won everything for my son whom I still cannot even be allowed a picture of because the mom is blocking my ability to contact our son.

I suspect it is the parents guilt and fear of me disclosing the actual truths that my son's adoption was based on lies and bullying a young woman, a theft of sorts.

I would suggest you find the exact truth if the information you have came from a middle man. If it is your first hand knowledge, by all means stay the course...and I wish you well.

[skelley2002]

SoulWhisper wrote:

This situation tugged at my heart in two ways. The picture you paint of this woman makes me pity you and the child, making me wish for Elias to stay put. But I was once a birthmom fighting to have my son returned and I have to wonder what sort of story was told of me.
<<<

Thanks for your comments. I understand these are pretty complicated matters, but as this was a private adoption, and an open one, I am familiar with every bit of it, including the mother's painstaking journey to the U.S., her swim across the Rio Grande and the travails and travels she's been through since. I information comes from her and the family who gave her a place to live and fed her for the last seven months.

We're home now, grieving and getting on. But I have some thoughts now that there is perspective.

I hope that she gives the baby up (or sells him, as the case may be) to another couple. He would be better off. There is no way she can give him quality of life -- even by the state's pathetically low standards. She's not a bad person, and with the right help and resources, she's probably a good mother.

But she lacks those things and the energy she now must exert to care for this baby means energy that can't be given to the four children she has abandonned in her home country. She came here to send money to them -- and now has no job, no where to live and has used up all the good will and money that she has been given. Where the financial support that we gave has gone, I don't know. But she didn't have it when her children and mother were evicted from their house in Mexico and came back to us for more.

She can't help how she feels emotionally, and it was brave of her to consider adoption in the first place. The child's best interests were in her heart. He may also do fine now that he is with her. I pray for that, I hope for that.

It is easy for people like yourselves to assume that the birthmother is the best fit for their biological child, just as it is for adoptive parents to think the best place for a child is with them or another adoptive couple. The reality is somewhere in between and depends entirely on the circumstance. In our case, I know the answer, as you do in yours.

Our birthmother, unlike you, did not have to fight to get him back. We took him too her with all the love and courage in our hearts. Then we were mocked and laughed at by her new friends. Such is the world to which we returned him.

Sean, father for a week

[MomofKaden]

Sean, that is as near to tears as I have ever been on this forum...I am so sorry to hear how it ended up for you. What a nightmare...I am sure you are grieving so deeply right now.

Any idea where you will go from here? Are you going to look to adopt elsewhere? I am so sad for you and I pray the child who is meant to be in your home will come your way soon...apparently this just wasn't meant to be, but I am sure that it is impossible to understand why right now. I bet it won't be until you have YOUR baby, the right baby, in your home to stay that you will know why this did not work out for you. God bless you and your courageous, kind heart.

sean,

I started a post but didn't have the words to express how I felt. Now I will just say how sorry I am for you and your wife. I can hear your concern for the child. It must be so heartbreaking.

My thoughts are with you.

Donna

[skelley2002]

Originally posted by MomofKaden writes:
Any idea where you will go from here?

We're not sure, to be honest. We're out a good bit of money, and while the federal tax credit will take the sting out of that, it'll be summer before we can breath easier. Some of the money we were hoping for won't come through now because the adoption didn't finalize. But all that's really immaterial. We can make more money. Besides, the homestudy's good for two years and I'm not redecorating the nursery again!

I think we'll contact a few agencies and get the word out in the adoption community, and we'll wait. (I spoke with our adoption lawyer in our home state today and let him know what we would consider.) My wife and I were interested primarily in adopting a newborn (that was really the only stipulation). We'll have to re-evaluate that now, as I know we won't go through this process again and there may be more opportunities out there. My wife does not want to go international, although we'd adopt a child born domestically who's parents are foreign.

It's probably a bit premature to even consider it right now.

Sean