[sunnysideup]

We have a one month old that we will be signing intent to adopt papers for in a few weeks,the baby is through a public agency. Anyway, every time I bring up things like birth announcements or decorating the room, or planning the adoption party-many months from now- he gets distant. I ask him if he wants this baby and he says yes.

Has anyone else had a problem with a spouce during this wonderful time. I just want to keep moving forward and he just wants to sit and wait. It is starting to make us fight. I am really starting to wonder if he really wants this.

[angelical]

Here's my experience along these lines...

Last year, our son was born 3 months premature. During the 6 weeks he was in the neonatal intensive care unit, and the following couple of months, my husband was a stranger. I couldn't believe (still can't, really) how distant he was! It made me Furious!! Here I was, dealing minute-by-minute with all of our child's needs, AND healing myself (I had preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome, and almost died) and going back to work full-time, and he was acting like an idiot!

Eventually, he snapped out of it. Threats of divorce helped. Now, he has an evening shift job, so we didn't have to use daycare, and he's totally in love with his son.

I don't know that it is the same thing with your dh, but mine, I know, was scared and trying not to let reality sink in ... I think men just have a totally different way of looking at issues like "NEW BABY IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE".

Even though, at the heart of it, they are just as happy, I know that mine just couldn't process all of the changes that were happening so quickly!

(sometimes he acts like that with the adoption, but not as bad. I think he knows better this time around! )

Good luck, and try to be patient. I'm sure he will be supportive of you and the child, but in his own time. It is just frustrating as H-E-double-hockeysticks for the wife!

Take care!
Sharel

[amom4life]

I have been so excited ever since we decided to adopt. I think about it every day and talk about it alot. My husband never was the one to bring it up or anything. One day I asked him if he ever thought about the adoption. He replied that he does but he doesn't think about it all the time.

Then after our second home study meeting with our social worker we were standing in the kitchen and I saw tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was just so happy we are doing this!!

My friends husband acted much like you describe yours does. It would frustrate her so much at times! Then about three weeks before their baby was due he completely changed. Got very talkative, started buying things for the baby on his own.

I think maybe men guard their hearts more than we do. I think it will all be fine in the end. I also think men tend to think of the finances more too.

Best to you,
Judy

[AMom2Two]

Amom4life.....you wrote......"I think maybe men guard their hearts more than we do. I think it will all be fine in the end. I also think men tend to think of the finances more too."

I agree with Amom4life so much. My husband is the same way which is sometimes good because I'm so emotional about things. He seems to sit back and take that protector stance. I don't know about most men, but my husband seems to see things in black and white, and I have to keep reminding him that there are grey area's in this world and it okay to be in the grey at times and still be happy and scared at the same time. Most men, I think, freeze when they are in the grey because they are scared and if they have a wife that is emotional, then they feel it is their job to keep a level head.

Just my thoughts, good luck to you. Don't let his grey attitude take away from your happiness right now, as if anything could ???right ???

[sunnysideup]

Originally posted by AMom2Two
Amom4life.....you wrote......"I think maybe men guard their hearts more than we do. I think it will all be fine in the end. I also think men tend to think of the finances more too."

I agree with Amom4life so much. My husband is the same way which is sometimes good because I'm so emotional about things. He seems to sit back and take that protector stance. I don't know about most men, but my husband seems to see things in black and white, and I have to keep reminding him that there are grey area's in this world and it okay to be in the grey at times and still be happy and scared at the same time. Most men, I think, freeze when they are in the grey because they are scared and if they have a wife that is emotional, then they feel it is their job to keep a level head.

Just my thoughts, good luck to you. Don't let his grey attitude take away from your happiness right now, as if anything could ???right ???

Reading your post hit a cord with me. Maybe he is not in a comfortable place right now...feeling very vunrable(sp). I really guess it would not be as bad if he just would keep it to himself. He feels he needs to rain on my parade and I want him to stop.

I know he will be fine when all is said and done but I have to get there from here.

[Mommy2amiracle]

Well, my dh wasn't like that, but my father kind of kept his distance until our ds' adoption was finalized. I think that he was afraid that if he got too close that something would happen and the adoption would not go through. He even asked the night before our court hearing if the birthparents were going to be there and could they change their minds.

I'm sure that your dh will come around when he feels more secure in the finality of the relationship with the baby.

Good Luck!!

Mommy2amiracle

[spaypets]

My DH is a wonderful guy and a wonderful father, but he sees the glass as half empty when I see it as half full. He was scared things would fall through with our adoption so he couldn't embrace any of the excitement.

Don't forget your DH could be grieving for the infertility, scared that the whole thing isn't real, worried that you'll pay more attention to the baby than to him, fearful about the cost.

He can't/won't verbalize that so he shuts down.

Sometimes I rant and rave when my DH does that. And sometimes I ignore it and go about my business and get excited with my girlfriends or my mom.

[AMom2Two]

Sunnysideup..... You wrote....."He feels he needs to rain on my parade and I want him to stop"


Wouldn't that be nice if they would just listen. Unfortunately, you can't change him. The only thing you can do is not let his attitude effect you. You only have the power to change how you handle this. Go plan your announcements, baby's room whatever else your heart desires and do not allow his feelings to stop you. He'll come along, when he's ready. Let his remarks roll off your shoulders. Sometimes, you really have to do that or you will be living his emotional wave instead of your own. I think, I would rather be where you are moving forward and happy with life. Leave him to fend for himself

[Dinsdale]

As a husband who has been forced into agreeing to an adoption, I am in the position of the "distant" husband here. It may be that he really doesn't want to do it but gave in to your pressure. I am on board with the "concept", but it isn't right for us at this point in our lives.

[amom4life]

Dinsdale,
If you really feel "forced" into adopting then you shouldn't do it. I firmly believe that both husband and wife need to agree and be on board or there could be lots of problems now and later.

There have been times when I have pressed my husband, tried munipulation tatics, etc...but then I realized that truly in my heart I didn't want to adopt if he wasn't with me. He didn't even need to be 100% like I'am but he did need to feel like he was ready. For me to force him into it would have just been plain wrong.

Finally after a nine year wait I decided between God and I that I would ask him one more time and if he still felt the same I would take that as my answer from God and never bring it up again. This was very hard for me, but I couldn't stand being in limbo any longer.

I asked. My husband then asked to see the application from the place we would consider working with. I showed him the application, but let him do most of the talking and question asking. The next day we were filling out the application. And I felt so much better that I had waited and not pushed so hard that my husband felt forced. We are both commited to this adoption process 100% and we are both happy.

We are shopping for and putting together our nursery together and talking about parenting. It's an exciting time which I don't think would have been the case if I would have forced my husband to accept MY decision.
Judy

[sunnysideup]

my hubby is on board 100% HE wants this as much as I do.

By the way I ordered my daughters birth announcements 10 minutes ago. Hubby sat next to me and helped. Made me feel a bit better.

With all the love and joy our hearts can hold
we announce
childs name

into the world Date
Weight
Height
Time
into our lives Date
time

our names


Thanks to all

[amom4life]

Sunnysideup,
I think your announcements sound great!
Judy

Oh and I know you started this thread but I hope you know that my previous post was not addressed to you. I was talking to the man who said he was forced into adoption.

[LynMaria]

...also remember, women are typically innate nurturers, men are not. We fall in love at the sight of a baby, a kitten, a puppy, etc. Men initially see them as another responsibility, another mouth to feed. They take longer to bond...but OH, when they do.....! After years of convincing my husband to foster, he finally agreed. He was and is an absolutely wonderful foster daddy...the kids bond to him before they do to me! He's also a wonderful daddy! Not meaning to stereotype, guys... just speaking generally and from my experience. I also am aware that my husband doesn't like change much, whereas I am excited by it if it positive change, of course. Again, my 2 cents.

[sunnysideup]

Originally posted by amom4life
Sunnysideup,
I think your announcements sound great!
Judy

Oh and I know you started this thread but I hope you know that my previous post was not addressed to you. I was talking to the man who said he was forced into adoption.

Yes, but I felt for him I would state that hubby was for the adoption.

[Cleopatrick]

My hubby was distant in a way too, but his was pure fear. He was so madly in love with our son and he was preemie and fragile, and on top of it hubby was terrified something would go wrong with the adoption before it was final. His way of trying to deal with it was to tell himself that he wasn't attached to our son. The truth is he was just as bonded as I was, but he was so scared of him either dying or being taken away before it was final that he couldn't cope with it. Neither fear was actually realistic, but he just couldn't take the thought of it and sort of shut down till it was final. I think that it's easier for women to express their fears, men feel it's unmanly to say "look, I love this kid so much and if I lost him I would die" so they just get distant.