[May4u2nvme]

I have done a few posts and you all have such posotive outlooks! It's great to have support and frankly I need some right now. Yesterday while sitting at the car dealership waiting for my oil change the show "The Price is RIght" was on in the waiting room. A lady on the show just won 10k and a woman in the waiting roon stated that she wish that was her and that she could pay of a couple bills with it and save $ a month. I then said it sure would because we wouldn't have to take as large a loan. She asked me why we needed a loan and I told her to fund an adoption. She smiled but then a second lady asked me why in the world I would want to adopt. I didn't really feel the need to explain but none the less I told her because we can't have a baby of our own. She said that was no excuse, and that there where no garauntees that we would last as a couple and what would happen to the child if we got divorced. I was at this point confused about wheather I should get mad or be sad, It was really easy to get sad though. The first lady that had talked to me turned to her and said that in life there are no garauntees and that she had bio kids and had been married three times that it was no different. That made me feel a bit better but I have been dwelling on that other lady's comment since it happened. On Saturday (tomorow) we are meeting some family (aunt and uncle on husbands side) and we really love and appreciate them. I am scared because we where going to announce to them our desicion. What if they are negative. I just can't take it! On top of that last night we found out that another one of our freind is pregnant! Why is it!? We are good people, why can't we have a baby of our own! Sigh....

[joymom]

That lady was out to lunch, I'm sorry you had such a negative experience so early on. I've found that most people are very supportive (and many times very curious, and so sometimes can ask inappropriate things) but rarely so outrageously rude!

We were nervous when we announced our plans to our families...its so very personal and important. It is true that some people are not supportive, but from situations I know of this usually changes once they have a better understanding. (And yes, there are folks in the world who won't ever be supportive of adoption...) Generally, though, people who love you are going to be SO EXCITED FOR YOU. I tend to think that you guys will get to breathe a big sigh of relief!

I'd suggest being prepared for some questions as adoption is a new arena for most folks. Try to be open (as is appropriate in your family) so that people can ask some questions if they have some. Tell them how excited and scared you are. Tell them you're nervous and need their support. Tell them you want to talk about it as much as they'll let you!!! You could even bring along books to loan, let folks know about this site, etc. Once people understand "modern" adoption, they usually find it quite exciting! You may want to discuss what you will do if you get some inappropriate comments, though... just so you'll be prepared. Remember, you wouldn't ask for permission to get pregnant!!! Your joy and good attitude will spill over.

It is hard to see friends get pregnant "so easily". Have you thought much about that grief? It was really freeing to me to realize I needed to grieve not bearing a biological child. At this point in my life (2 boys, ages 2 and 5 and about to adopt again), I pray that I WON'T get pregnant!!! I still have occasional "heart pulls" when I see a friend nursing, etc. but very few and far between. My boys fill my mamas heart with joy.

Please let us know how your family meeting goes this weekend. I'll be praying. I'm sure it will be great.

[4x4ski]

How terribly rude, however that comes with some people being ignorant. That was very nice of the other lady to step up and help you and she is so totally correct on things are never predictable.

I to had almost the same thing happen to me. I went to Target and bought all the stuff to outfit the nursery. The cashier asked if I wanted a gift receipt and I said no this stuff is for me. She looked at me strange (I only weigh 100 lbs and 5"4" tall) and asked when I was due and I told her I am not sure as we are adopting. Well, she said you better keep the receipt so if you don't get a baby you can bring it back. I told her no I won't need to bring it back because we will get a baby. Talk about rude!!!

As far as your family - they need to understand adoption and there are some great books (check Amazon.com and look under adoption) to give them and also there will be the pesimistics (sp?) within the family too. Just ignore them or try to explain - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I did find that my dad who is from the "old days" was the most supportive of our decision and loves he little grandson to death and spoils him rotten.

Hope this helps and keep your chin up. And remember alot of comments come from people who just truly don't get it!!

[AMom2Two]

you wrote...."I am scared because we where going to announce to them our desicion. What if they are negative. I just can't take it! On top of that last night we found out that another one of our freind is pregnant! Why is it...."

********

First thing I want to share with you is your happiness does not make other people happy. Friends and strangers shouldn't matter, so let any remarks they make roll off your back. Family, that's a whole different ball game. My family let me down big time when it came to adopting my daughter and now, hopefully, a second child. Mom's reply when I told her I wanted to adopt again, was "What do you want to do that for?? Are you crazy??"

Building your family through adoption instead of birth is different and there will be times, when things get hard and crazy. Rude comments from strangers, friends that I've had to sever tie's with all because of my choice to adopt and their choice to not accept it.

It seems that receiving my daugher closed some doors for me and open other one's. Life will be different. I always thought that when I brought my baby home, all will be forgotten and life will be great again. Yes, Life is great again but all is not forgotten. If you plan on doing an open adoption and your family does not support that, it get's even harder.

I've learend that adoption made me a woman with my own mind and my own values. I've cut the apron strings and am doing what I feel is best, despite the many hurtful remarks from family and friends.

My advice to you is to not let anyone's opinion influence you at all. If family and friends can not accept or be supportive, then you must move on. Becoming an adoptive mom, makes you tough, it makes you stronger and it will make your life so much richer then you ever thought possible.

As for the pregnant friends, that always happens. What helped me the first time around was buying a little pair of white booties and whenever I had "one of those moments", I would reach into my pocket and squeeze those booties and I knew, my time is coming. It helped a lot.

Just yesterday I was at the doctors office to receive my physical for our homestudy. The doctor was pregnant. When she found out I need an adoption form filled out, I could tell she got real uncomfortable. She sat differently so as to not have her belly sticking out in front of her, she pulled her coat over her belly even buttoned it. When I asked her if she was pregnant, she smiled and looked at the floor and said she was. I told her congratulations. She smiled and looked away and said, let's get this going. I could tell, she was uncomfortable.

I agree with joymom That lady was out to lunch and you will meet so many more ladies, out to lunch, if you know what I mean.

Good luck to you!

[Kammy]

That lady is nuts!! I just wonder if she had any children. Just like another posters said there are no guarantees in life. People get divorced but that doesn't mean you should have or adopt children because you MIGHT!!! Strange.

Also, I totally understand the negative comments being hard to handle. My husband and I have twin daughters that are 10 and we are planning to foster to adopt a 14 year old girl. You can imagine the responses we get. The best is, "why in the world would you want to do that?" and I say "for the child!!" Some people just can't think beyond themselves.

[May4u2nvme]

Wow, thank you all so very much for your support it has helped a lot. It really helps. I had no idea people could be so negative. Specially perants. My perants aren't against it but not completely supportive yet either. Last night my dad wanted to come see how the painting in the nursery turned out. I thought h would be really excited and want to help since we have mentioned adoption before and he seemed happy. But he asked how we knew we would get a normal kid, and "ot a crack baby or something?" I understand his concern, and he wasn't negative per say but he could have been more happy and not look at all the negative possobilities. The same type of thing happend with my mom a little bit ago. She stopped by to look at the nursery before going to work. The color is a bit bright and she asled if it would hurt the babies eyes. I told her I didn't think so. She asked in a weird way if we where really going through with it? I had just read some of your repplies, and it gave me the confidence to tell her yes, and asked her why she didn't seem excited about it. She replied because she was feeling under the wether. I told her that was not the reason, because if I had just told her I was pregnant she would be extatic. She smiled and said I was right. I felt better about it and know that it may be a hard thing for them to accept, but that they will in time be happy and supportive, not just non-argumentative. As for others in the family well to each his own! Thank you all again for your posts, they have really helped me. God bless you all and your children or children to be!

Things could be better but they could also be worse.

[GreenThumb]

Telling the family--that's a big one. We had been trying for so long I think everyone kind of expected it. We decided to take it in increments so neither they nor we were overwhelmed.

We started with the easiest--my husband's sister and her husband--so we could practice. We knew they would be supportive of anything we ever did so the risk was low. We moved on to my family and were frankly stunned by how positive they were. We were so prepared for neutral or negative responses that we didn't know how to act.

We saved my husband's mom for last because she's pretty unpredictable. In our first discussion with her we told her pregnancy didn't look like it was going to happen and we might proceed with adoption (having already explored agencies and booked our home study--Ha!). She urged us to keep trying and said something like "adoption would be okay as a last resort." Hmmm. So we waited a while longer and tried again, this time being more definite. Almost a year later she still asks me now and again if we could get pregnant but she also talks about how she's looking forward to another grandchild. She also helped us out with the expenses so I think she's coming around. I have no doubt she'll be a big fan of adoption when that baby is in her arms.

Also, remember that you've had a long time to work through emotions and ask questions. Your families will need some grace to do the same. Every once in awhile someone will ask us a doozy and I'll get miffed, but then I look at my bookshelves stocked with every adoption book there is and I remember they haven't had the education we've had.

God bless you and the upcoming talks. I hope you'll find it all as freeing as we did. At last you'll be able to let the joy flow and celebrate your future family openly. Let us know how it goes!!!

[Pblair]

I agree with everyone else and just wanted to offer this suggestion, keep in mind that this child you adopt will be your own. When those papers are signed and they give you that new birth certificate that makes that child yours legally and by then he or she will already be your child in your heart.
Hang in there for the ride because this is definetly an emotional roller coaster we are on!
Pat

[AMom2Two]

you wrote...."She asked in a weird way if we where really going through with it? I had just read some of your repplies, and it gave me the confidence to tell her yes, and asked her why she didn't seem excited about it. She replied because she was feeling under the wether. I told her that was not the reason, because if I had just told her I was pregnant she would be extatic. She smiled and said I was right. I felt better about it and know that it may be a hard thing for them to accept"

******************

Bravo!!!!! That was perfect!!!! You did a good job at confronting it and squashing it!!! That is the only way to handle it sometimes, straight out and right in the eye.

[Kammy]

I really liked one of the responses on here and thought I needed to comment further. She had a good point when she said that we have also thought about most of the negative things that are being said to us. I tend to get defensive when some asks me, "have you thought about if she does this... " or "what is she does this...." or "Do you think this will disrupt your family?" etc. etc. The truth is I have thought all of those things so how come it's so hard to take when someone else says it??

I think it is because we want them to help settle our fears. We want them to make our worries and stresses subside. The truth is they probably bring them up because the way we are telling them sounds so positive and we seem so happy that they are afraid we aren't considering the negatives. Does that make sence?

Also, like the poster said we have read books, message board, web sites, etc. and they haven't. We understand the pros and cons better then anyone.

It helps to have the support of others in our situation like these boards!

[Teri from Iowa]

So sorry that you had to endure a rude comment from an uninformed person. Just shake that one off as you don't know this person and her opinion should not affect you.

However, on the issue of telling family. Be confident when you tell them, most times others will react based on how you present the information. When I told my mother we were adding a 5th child to our family by adopting a child from INdia (our 4 sons are our bio children) my mother was negative. She was concerned that our bio-sons would be displaced because of this new child. I was confused by her reaction since my mother is very open minded and loves children. But change is hard for her. Finally I said to her, 'you raised me to be a Christian and there are children that have no mom or dad to tuck them in at night. Imagine a child without a mother". She completely turned around when I said this. She had only thought of my bio-sons, but once I helped her see it through an orphans eyes she completely understood.

Now my mother is a huge adoption advocate and talks often with my siblings about adopting as well. Two of my sisters have since adopted daughters from India, and of course both my parents think all of our Indian girls are the living end!

Be patient with your family if at first they don't appear excited for you. Remember, you've had a long time to think about this, but it's all new to them. Be assured, they will adore your child when you bring him/her home, just the same as if it were your bio-child.

Good luck with your adoption journey!

Teri

[joymom]

You sound pretty spunky, I love it.

Another thought... I've learned that when you adopt, you don't just become a parent, you become an educator. Our kids are of a different race than we are, so we find ourselves in "educate" mode a lot. One of my favorite books on adoption is called "Adopting for Good" by Jorie Kincaid. She makes the very important point that kids will quickly pick up on the attitudes their parents model, which makes the way we respond to other's attitudes, etc. very important FOR THE KIDS. We have committed to always answer positively and not let the wierdos (or even just the uninformed) ruffle our feathers, because we don't want our KIDS to get the impression that we have anything to apologize for. Our oldest is five, and I still gently correct family members, friends and others on "adoption language" by restating it in the positive. Our comfort with adoption and our pride in our kids is something we advertise and it helps dissuade a lot of the wierdness (although I did once have to just walk away from an agressive lady at the grocery store!!! I vented LATER to dh).

[cathy102]

I guess I had it eaiser because both sides of the family were just thrilled for us. We didn't get any negative comments from our parents. Some of my aunts would say, what if the birthmom comes back and gets the child..That's all I had to deal with..

I'm glad that you were able to post here and get alot of good advice. Adoption will make you are stronger person. That was good that you could stand up to your mom. You just wait until you get your baby. Your parents will be so different. They will love that child as if you gave birth to them. I see so many adopted child that are just extra special. My daughter is Multi-Racial and every where I go, people stop me and want to look at her. She is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen in my life and I'm thankful that God put her in our lives to take care of..

You will always run in to people who will NEVER understand a thing about Adoption. I think you handled the one rude lady well. I don't think I wouldn't of been as nice as you..

Take care and I pray your little one will find you soon (Hugs)!!

Cathy

[May4u2nvme]

oh... you guys are making me feel sooo good! I feel so much better now, thank you all for the support and the good advise! I think everything will turn out ok. I guess maybe I was a bit ignorant in thinking that the world rejoys with us. I mean normally when you tell someone your expecing they are happy and excited for you, I just firgured it would be the same. What maters most is that we feel like it's just as exciting. In the end he/she will be our baby and that's what we care about. I read a passage somewhere when we first decided to adopt that just made things click for me and my husband. I don't remeber who wrote it but it was a story in a book called pernats at last. It read something like this: ( I just knew that our child was waiting to be fertilized, just not by our sperm or in our tummy, Our child was just waiting to be born just for us just not in the traditional way, it's so much easier to search for a baby in a world of people than in a labarynth of hospital cooridors.)That really touched us! And I hope that when people ask the "what if..." questios that I'll be a quick thinker and return their comment with what if that happened and it was you bio kid, would you still love it? I wish it was a requirment for people to watch Bambi in school. And that they learn if you don't have anything to say not to say anything at all! Thanks agin to all of you and God bless you and your families.

[May4u2nvme]

Well last night we went to my husband's cousins's football game and told his aun about our decision and to my releif they where happy for us and excited about the news. To top it off we told some other family meber today about it and they too where great and supportive. I am gladd all worked out, and I just wanted to let you all know about it. I think there will always be "those people" but the good people out weigh the rude and negative one. Thanks again all for all the great advise and support.