[sammysmom@work]

Hi All,
This is my first time ever using this thing! I am almost 25 yrs old. My huband and I are parents to our wonderful 12 mo old son, Sam. I have always wanted to adopt a child, since I was young. Don't really know what to tell you about why, other than I have always been a caregiver, and it breaks my heart that there are children out there without a home, especially now that I have my own. I have started researching the adoption process and everything that goes along with adoption. I brought home my "binder" of info to my husband, and while I admit that he has looked through it, and has read a couple of articles, he is very reluctant to start the process. He says that "we can adopt one day." I am ready to adopt an older (4-6yr old) child in the next year or two (considering it might take awhile to find a match). He isn't ready to start the process. I have a couple of questions....
1. When do you think I have given him "enough time and space" to consider this more seriously? I am trying not to bug him, but I want our bio son to "grow up with" our adopted child. I think he is worried about the cost of it more than anything, even though I have showed him article after article about the tax credit. We aren't poor by far, but we are just starting out and just had our first child.
2. Has anyone read a book, or can you share anything at all about preparing your bio child for the adoption? When is the best time to bring an adopted child into your home when you have other bio children. He's 12 mos and I want him to grow up knowing that our to be adopted child is his brother or sister, not his adopted brother or sister... I am also worried about any negative effects the adoption might have on my biological child.
3. Has anyone ever felt selfish for wanting to adopt when you already have a child? Or for wanting to spend time on the adoption process, when you could be spending time with the child/children you already have a commitment to as a parent?
Please help! Lots of questions that I haven't found answers to yet.
Thanks so much!

[angelical]

Our situation is a little bit similar....

We have a 1 year old bio son, as well! And we are currently in the "searching" stage for a waiting child (or sibling group of 2), between 2 and 8. I had preeclampsia and our son was delivered 3 months early; it would be foolish for us to try for another bio child.

We have considered the same factors that you have.... We, too, want the kids to grow up together. I don't want our son to be the only child for 5 years, and then BAM! have an 8-year-old sibling! I'd much rather deal with the adjustments while he's 1 or 2 yrs old!

Things to keep in mind, I suggest... We are adamant about NO sex acting out or violent tendancies in the adopted child. And, of course, no diseases like AIDS or something. At this point, our only real focus must be on our bio son's health and safety.. once we actually adopt another child, then we would afford him/her that same care too.

As for money, going through the foster care system, it should be more-or-less FREE .... plus you would get the tax credit. We are done with the homestudy, and all we have paid is $40 (for the criminal and child abuse clearances).

Good luck with your process towards adoption and with your bio son. I hope that your husband quickly sees all the great things about adoption!

Sharel

[Kammy]

I have also wanted to foster or adopt a child in need for years. It took me 12 years to get my husband to agree to go through the classes and get our license. I have the same reason as you do, I want to help a child in need.

We have twins that are 10. The reason we started the classes was because we met a 14 year old girl that really needs a family. At first my husband only said he would agree to the classes but now he is interested in not only getting our license but adopting. At first he said he only wanted to foster (which was a HUGE step getting him to want to do that) but now he agrees with me that it would be best to foster to adopt the 14 year old.

A really good book is "Our Own". I can't remember the author but if you can't find it e-mail me and I will get the name for you.

Good luck!
Kammy

[withopenarms]

I too always knew and wanted to adopt. Even before I had My Bio children. My husband was slower and first and I think men just think differently then us women. We alot go with our heart where a man has to process the whole idea.
I never feel guilty for having bio children and my pre adopt baby. He is meant to be here and even if he didn't come from my tummy he has been more planned then the two that did. I used to worry that I might not love another baby as much (with my 1st,2nd, and 3rd) Wow was I wrong. Don't feel guilty because a baby will come along that is meant to be in your family and no one elses .
Give your husband time and see if he will then go to the classes with you. also go to websites where there are children waiting for families. This helped my husband see it more realisticly.
I also agree on setting standards for what you will and will not except ( to protect your baby) and remember the foster care system does not always know what has happened to these children. It comes out in foster care. Just something to think about.
Good luck to you

[MomofKaden]

It is true that adoption (particularly through the state) is virtually free, so I think the first step with your husband is to confirm his fears are not (or should not) be finance related. If you need more help with this, I am sure all of us have a wealth of information to share.

Assuming his lack of desire then, is one of not being ready, then by all means give him some time - you are young...I am 25 also - we have some time! I know you want your children to grow up together, but often times adoption can happen quite quickly, so don't lose hope if your husband doesn't jump on the bandwagon next week. When your first child is an adopted child (as mine is) we can't even begin the adoption process again if we want to until he is 12 months old, so maybe think of this as the very earliest you could consider it - the agency we did our homestudy through obviously had a reason for making this rule.

I would suggest going to your local library - there are TONS of books about adoption, including childrens books. I would just start telling your son about it, even when he is too young to understand...why not?

Lastly, I wasn't sure - are you intending then to go through the state system to get an older child? That is what it sounded like. I guess you should probably get some good advice on adding a child older than the one you already have - that could be a little tricky...and make sure your husband is willing to go along with that. Perhaps adding a younger child might be more appealing or less scary to him? I don't know. Hope it works out for you!

[Sabra]

Hi Sammysmom@work

There is a book that helps a child to sort through their thoughts and feelings about adding an adopted child into a family with biological children.

The book is written and illustrated by a six year old. It helps a child to see another child's perspective on adopting a sibling. It is a cheerful easy to read book that is very appropriate for a young child.

The book includes Tips for a Smooth Transition for your Adopted Child Coming into your Home in the very back page. Kids can have fun finding the secret message. They can and ask questions about adoption and any concerns they have through the question and answer section included in the book.

It may help to use resources like this one to aid you in your desire to add an adopted child to your family.

The books is entitled "My Special Someone" by Brittany Kyle

For more information on this book, visit http://adoptionshop.com/cgi-bin/store2/ADP47474.html.

Are there other adoptive families that have biological children also?

Thanks for caring to post.

[kyleashmom]

We started the adoption process when my son was 5 yrs old. We got our daughter when she was 4 months old, one month after getting our foster license.

I am the one that got all the paperwork together and called the sw and she came out and talked to us about adoption and foster care. We took the classes, my DH was happy with one child and I wanted more. We actually were looking for a boy about 4, when we got our daughter. She is now 4 yrs old and my son is 10, we are now in the process of adopting a 8 yr old boy.

My son always thinks of his sister as his sister not adopted. We also fostered two girls for 3 yrs they just left for their new adoptive home with their brothers. So both of my children have been around foster and adoption and are very comfortable with it.


Good Luck, just talk to your DH and show him things about adoption. Ask him when he is ready for a second child. We paid nothing for our adoption of our daughter.


Debbie

[sammysmom@work]

Hi all! I just wanted to let you all know that my husband has told me that he does want to adopt. He has also said that he'll go to an info meeting with me next month. Yeah! He's coming around. I am still laying low as far as bringing it up to him a lot. I am just letting him bring it up when he wants to.
Thank for all of your support!

[amom4life]

Sammysmom@work,
Congratulations!!

I've had to wait nine years for my dh to be on board for another adoption so I know what you were going through. I'm glad I didn't push him though because now he is really happy that we're adopting.
Judy

[Kammy]

That is great that he came around. It took me 12 to get my husband to go to the classes but he has agreed to adopt the 14 year old girl that I was interested in! It took a while but it's worth it in the end. I know she will be very happy with us.

[Sabra]

Hi Kammy:

How exciting for your family! So glad your dh is in favor of adopting.

What stage are you at in your adoption? is your daughter home yet?

Please update us. How is she doing if she is home?

Is she in High School?

Warm regards,

[Kammy]

Hi Sabra,

Thanks for your interest. We are still in the process of getting our license and because of how far behind our state is we won't have it until March!! It took one lady that I know almost a year and even though she just got a placement this week (11 months from the orientation) she still does not have the actual piece of paper.

The girl that we are going to adopt is from a different state and her state has not been easy to deal with at all!! She isn't even totally available for adoption yet. Once we get our license we hope to have her placed as a foster child until she is available.

I just hope it all works out for the best!

[HappyMomAnna]

I think you need to decide if you want your birth child to be the oldest, or not? If you are looking at the children WAITING the odds are you will have an older child placed.... sometimes people who have had their own child are passed up for that couple who has waited years and tried so hard to adopt a newborn....
In our state adoption placements would reqire one year between a new child in your home... Either way if you are just getting started, it might take you a year or two to even get to the point where you are asking for a certain child... by then your baby will be bout three and you would have more options if you decide you want your child to be the oldest in birth order...
You are young but having parenting experience does help when you are wanting to give a WAITING child a Forever Home.... I say, start your process if this is the desire of your heart, and along the way between the classes and paperwork the situation will unfold and the right situation will be clearer and clearer. Most of the classes for older children are called "special needs" and they usually cost you nothing... attending the classes will help you more evealutate your situation and give you things to think about... Adoption sadly will be there when you are ready so, take each step as it comes to your family and trust in your best feelings....