[sunnysideup]

My child is coming of the age that she is questioning me about why I use the words adoption and bio mommy.

For two years now I have freely read books and talked about the fact she was adopted. But as for the last few years I am having the same issue. How do I put a positive spin on her bio mom walking away from her and not caring whether or not she lived or died? I know I have to keep it up beat and I want to make sure she understands and I am not sure if this is the age to start trying to explain, but I really feel that I know have to be prepared for this conversation sometime.

See this is what happened. Bio mom left my daughter to die and walked away, a lady found her called 911 and she was placed with us five days after her birth. We have had her for just over two years.

I could make something up and deal with her trying to fine bio mom later in life or I could…do what?? This has always been a problem for me.

[browntap]

I would definitely not make something up. I'm sure other friends and family know her adoption story, so eventually, she may find out and resent you not telling her the truth. I would probably read her the story of Moses from the Old Testament and explain that her biomom didn't think she could take care of her because of her situation (poverty, age, family history. I'm not sure her circumstances but you fill in the blank here). So she left her hoping someone would find her just as Moses' mom sent him down the river and his sister Miriam watched as he was found. I'm sure there are probably other ways you could relate this also. I would not lie but I also believe we should spare the children the burdens of our adult situations. Just an idea, good luck!

Tammi

[shirleyville]

Sunny,
Don't EVER "make things up" where your child is concerned!! Even tho your child is very young, she is still a human being and deserves the same respect as everyone else -- and that respect includes the truth about where we came from. If you make something up, just to avoid dealing with a sensitive issue NOW, you will pay dearly for it LATER. Your daughter will be confused and you will also be sending her the message that you tell her very important facts about herself that aren't true. It can be perceived later that there is something wrong with them, and wrong in the way they came to be. It can be very damaging to a child's self-esteem to learn they have been deceived regarding their own heritage....and if that "deceiving" (even when done with the best intentions) comes from the people they trust most (you or your spouse -- grandparents or trusted friends), it can really build a lot of trust issues that will last a lifetime.
I would explain to your daughter that sometimes people make bad decisions....and I would give her some examples she can relate to when she, herself, has made some bad choices -- "remember when you broke the vase in the livingroom and then when I asked you if you broke it, you said "no"? Why do you think you said, "no", instead of telling me the truth? Do you think it was because you were afraid to tell me? Did you think that if you told me, you might get in trouble or make Mommy mad? You were afraid of what might happen if someone found out what you did, weren't you? Well, sometimes, this happens to adults (mommy's and daddy's), too. Sometimes, instead of doing what we know is right, we try to hide things, or we make some not so great decisions because we are afraid , too. Everyone is afraid sometimes, and that may be what happened with your birthmommy. We think she was afraid and scared when you were born and wasn't sure what to do. You have been afraid when you didn't know for sure what to do, haven't you? Well, sometimes, even mommy's and daddy's aren't sure what to do, either, and they get scared, too, just like you. Your birthmommy wasn't sure what to do when you were born -- she may have been afraid of getting in trouble or making someone mad -- just like you felt when you broke the vase. She made the decision to leave you some where (tell her where in a simplistic way), so that someone could adopt you and bring you home to live with them, instead of taking you with her....and we are awfully glad you came to live with us, and be our daughter! There were better ways that your birthmommy could have handled this, but just because she was afraid and made some poor decisions, doesn't mean she was a bad person -- just like when you were afraid and made a poor decison by saying you didn't break the vase, when you really did. You weren't a "bad person" when you made that decison -- the DECISION was bad -- but not YOU! WE love your birthmommy because she made you, and you are a part of her. We also love her because without her, we wouldn't have you with us today."
As time goes on and she gets older, you can elaborate on the story and you can explain to her that everyone has different ways of handling things -- just as different families have different rules and values. Her birthmom handled things differently than YOUR family would have handled things......but that you still love her because she is a part of your daughter.
I don't know if any of that makes sense......but that is how I, as an adoptee, would handle things. I would never make something up or evade questions, because I know, first hand, what that feels like later on. I would be telling the story as early as possible because as difficult as it may seem to you NOW, it will be a million times more difficult LATER. If you start now, it will simply be a "part of her"...something she just instinctively KNOWS, rather than some serious and scarey "sit down" when she gets older.
JMHO!
Best of luck and keep us posted!
Hugs,
Sally

[lucyjoy]

Tell her the truth-Her birthmom did not understand what a precious gift this child was. Tell her you don't know what was happening in bmom's life at that time, or why she felt desperate enough to leave her the way she did. Tell her about the person who found her and how she came to be your child. Tell her you hate what happened to her, but are so greatful to be her mother.

That's as close to the truth as you can get. Noone knows what that mom was thinking when she left that baby.

[AMom2Two]

I agree with Shirleyville, 100%. She is talking from experience.

I feel as the child asks then things should be revealed.

I agree with what the others are saying, you can ALWAYS present the facts in a positive manner.

Good luck!

[carriewoman]

I allways wonder what I would tell my child after we find him or her about the whole adoption situation. I believe honesty is the best policy. Just make sure the honesty is age appropriate. Never tell your child thier birth mom didn't want them, and didn't care if they lived or died. I would re-word that into something like "well, daddy and I had been waiting for someone to bring our angel to us, and there was a young woman who must have heard our prayer. She knew she couldn't take care of you, and she was scared, so she left you where she knew you would be found and eventually be brought to us." As the child gets older it may be easier to explain that the birth mom didn't want to be contaced because she must have felt it would be best to let her baby complete the family she went to without worrying about her. Let the child know it was a very hard and very brave thing for the birthmom to do, leaving her child to be found by you. The child never needs to thik they weren't cared for, they just need to know they are wanted and loved.

[lucyjoy]

That's a beautiful response, but it isn't true. Noone but the bmom can ever know why she left her child alone the way she did. To tell a child different doesn't give them the reality. When they ask why she did that. You have to tell her you don't know.
Many people make choices we don't understand. As a mom, I can feel sad about my child's early circumstances and still be joyful about getting to raise them.

[Linny]

I'm with Lucyjoy in this one. Tell the truth....as time goes on.......and concentrate on 'how fortunate you are to have her as your child'. Don't worry about 'what they are going to ask or say as time goes on'........'how they're gonna feel about the bmom,etc'. These are assumptions on your part, and as long as you tell the truth in the matter as Lucy suggested, the child will feel secure having you as her momma. She may never show an interest in searching; and if she does.....it will be up to her to decide how she will feel toward this person.

Sincerely,

Linny