[Delcrest]

I think this adoption process is one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever endured. We were working with a casemanager in regard to sibling group of six children in Idaho. The first time we saw their pictures and read their bio's we knew these children were meant to be with us. We submitted our homestudy as requested. Several weeks later we got a call telling us that we were one of three families going to committee for this set of children and that we were their top selection going into committee. (read: we were going to get them). And, they told us that wanted them placed before school started, so it was going to happen very quickly. We were on top of the world. You would have thought that we had won the Powerball at 100 million dollars, but this was even better! We immediately told family, friends and church members who had been praying for us and for the children. We began getting ready, shopping trips to look for bunk beds, a trip to the car dealership to buy a van with enough seating to accommodate everyone. (and I **really** did not want to trade in my Lincoln, but now that I was going to be a parent...priorities had to be put in order!). A visit to the local schools to let them know there would be six new enrollees in a few weeks. Vacation plans were terminated to save the vacation time for the pre-adoptive visit which we expected in a few weeks. We had photos of these children taped on the refrigerator, on the doors of their bedrooms, all over the house. We checked airline schedules, arranged for friends to take us to the airport and pick us up with the van large enough to accommodate everyone. We were ready. Two weeks passed and we were getting anxious so we called and were told that they were waiting for the TPR on 8/18. That was one of the longest three week periods I have ever waited through. 8/18 arrived and passed with no word. SO, on Tuesday, 8/19, we called and left a message for the casemanager. She returned our call the next day. She had been on vacation the week before and during her vacation, a family emergency had come up in one of the foster homes (they were in two). They had to immediately place them and had an emergency committee meeting without their casemanager present. She then proceeded to inform us that we had not been slected for them. We are guessing that they chose a family closer to Idaho (we are in Pennsylvania). The bottom dropped out of our world. Devastated is an understatement as to how we feel. I have not sobbed since I was a child, but on Tuesday I sobbed. And again on Wednesday. I cannot even express the loss and grief I feel. This broke me up worse than the loss of my father (and we were close). Now I am totally turned off to adoption. Has anyone else had this happen? This is the third time we have had a disrupted placement even before it took place. Both prior situations, the foster family decided to adopt at the last possible moment. The system needs overhauled. Foster parents should be given the opportunity to adopt and then they should have to teminate their rights just as parents do. It seems as if little regard is shown for waiting adoptive families and how the seemingly casual decisions of adoption professionals are made without regard to the lives they are disrupting. Our adoption worker says that we will get through this and again start searching for children, but I am not so sure at this moment. I wonder how often this happens. Friends of ours had made it through committee on a set of fours girls in New Jeresy. They were theirs. On Monday, 8/18, just several days before their first pre-adoptive visit, their casemanager called to tell them that the foster family had decided to adopt. Aside from the emotional turmoil, this family had broke ground last week and started construction on a new wing on their house specifically to accommodate these four new children. Four sets of new school clothes had been purchased, along with four sets of school supplies, etc. etc. etc. Something is terribly wrong with the system. Stable people's lives are being disrupted needlessly.

[cathy102]

I'm sorry to hear your story. But you said that you were one of 3 families. Why did you think you would of been the family they would of picked? I don't mean that in a bad way. They narrowed it down to 3 families and 2 families would of been hurt. I wouldn't of went out and bought all the stuff you did until you knew forsure they would of placed with you. That probably made it even harder because you bought the new van, told family and friends they were yours..

If I were you, I wouldn't give up your dream to be parents. God does have the right children for you. It's in His perfect timing, not ours...Adoption is a risk we take but worth the risk when your children find you!!

Take care,

Cathy

[lucyjoy]

The problem is the social worker tells you you're on the top of the list and most likely the chosen family. Before our first adoption, we were told we were the only family being considered for a sibling group and were a great match. Then, a few days before the decision was final, another family popped up and was allowed to speak directly to the child's worker(we weren't).
When that family was selected, it was devastating for us.
It's the most horrible feeling I can remember. I was very turned off and called a new agency and was going to start all over. But, with our contract, I would have had to wait. So I started being very proactive and eventually received the child that really is suppose to be here.

It is a loss, and grieving that loss, while unpleasant, will help you be a better parent to a child whose had to grieve many losses in their young lives. Sorry this placement didn't work out for you. Go ahead and be angry, sad and hurt, but there will be another time for joy.

[MomTo1]

What a heartbreaking way to learn a lesson!

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think working with the Foster care system you do run a greater risk of these children be placed back with their orginal family because 9 out of 10, it was not the parents choice to have the children placed in Foster care. Since it is not their choice and most of them do want to parent, there is a higher chance of displacements. This is what I have been told.

One of the very first things our agency cautioned us about is to not prepare for the child at all, until everything is final. I know with the start of the school year and the adding of six children, made you want to prepare, but in the end, you are left with a broken heart plus all the other things you have put out for and done that now seem to painful to think about.

I do hope you don't get discouraged. There are other children out there that need a home and a family. Maybe adopting from foster care is not the right option for you. Please don't up. Rest and become strong again and then continue on. There is a child that needs you, if only you perserve. Good luck to you!!!

[cj416]

That is such as sad story. We too are adopting through the foster care system. We have been told by our case worker not to buy anything until we are the chosen family. Even when we are put on "the list" for a child, we are told there is no garuntee we will be chosen. I believe your worker should have been more realistic with you. Sometimes the workers do not have a clue what the committee will decide. It could be one little thing that is different about a family that makes them the chosen ones.
I guess the only thing I can tell you is don't give up. If it is meant to be it will happen.Our worker says it could be in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or mayb longer. You just never know.
I really understand how you feel. All you wanted to do is make sure you had everything for these children and God knows you don't want to have to rush around to get it done. Believe me there will be time to get things done. The whole adoption process is one wait after another.
Don't give up. Stay strong and believe it will happen for you!

[Sharon]

I'm sorry you've had to undergo such a terrible disappointment . I agree that it was very wrong for the State to give you the impression that the childrens' placement with you was a foregone conclusion. They should not have gotten your hopes up until the final decision was made.
Maybe you can return some of the things you bought for a refund... you will need your money to prepare for the child or children you WILL adopt, whenever that happens (I hope it will be soon). If there are some things you CAN'T return for a refund, why don't you ask if you can give them to this sibling group, as a gift? After all, it is for them that these items were specifically purchased. It sure won't fix the problem, but it might make you feel a little better, knowing that these children you cared about are starting off their new life with a few nice possessions of their own, the clothes and things that you carefully and lovingly chose for them.
Best wishes, and I hope good things happen for you soon.
~ Sharon

[Blue Irish Eyes]

I am an adoptee and was really touched and saddened by your story.

My parents went through a sort of similar situation with me!
The agency first visited the home before my brother's adoption was finalized and said he had too much and it would never do. Shocked my mom said "what do you mean?" He has clean clothers, I am at home, daddy's office is downstairs ( they had a converted apt bldg and we had the whole upstairs)..anyway the social worker said he would grow up to be spoiled and he needed a brother or sister. Would they be interested? Would they!!!!

So they got a letter one day telling them of a little girl..me..and they could start proceedings. Then came another letter with regrets, that the family decided an aunt would raise the child but they would keep looking for a sibling for my brother. Then they got a third letter..the family reconsidered yet again and felt it best to place the child...so this yoyo thing can happen and it does just turn lives upside down and inside out...

Hang tough though. You sound like you will be wonderful parents who have tons and gobs of love to share with a child who needs you. Don't give up...When your baby comes into your arms..it will be like the longest pregnancy in the world and the longest labor pains but it will be worth it.

I have 3 step daughtes ( we had custody) and can't adopt em because the mom is alive and in their lives..and I could not have kids of my own.. So I do know how wonderful children are when they are in your lives. Good luck and stay strong and keep the faith.
{{{hugs}}}}