[amom4life]

After waiting less than three weeks we got a call yesterday that a birthmother had chosen us. To say the least we were thrilled! The baby would be born in Sept., the birthmother wanted us present at the birth and wanted me in the room! My heart was soaring! Then we found out a couple of things that were red flags one being she tested positive for drugs just two months ago which means she was doing them well into her pregnancy. So between that and the other red flags we didn't feel right about the situtation. We ended up having to turn this baby down.

We're so sad that we had to do that, but we know it wasn't right. Everyone I know who has adopted tells us that we will know when it's right, when it's our baby. But I feel so sad that we couldn't take this baby because of things out of his and our control. I'm praying for them both and asking those of you who pray if you would too. God knows who she is. Please pray that this little guy finds a forever family. We just couldn't take the risk of him being a drug baby. I know I don't have the gift to cope with that sort of problem.

Thank you,
Judy

[dl]

My heart goes out to you - what a tragic situation. I so hope and pray that someone is able to help this little child find a home and loving parents that are able to cope with his special needs. It is so sad when children are the victims of this type of situation.

[SViet10]

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. We were in a similar situation where we too had to turn down a birthmother. We also had to make a tough decision once we too had a bmom for 2 months! Sometimes you feel so guilty about the decision you are making - but you have to wait until you feel it is right for YOU! Good luck to you in your search and I will pray for the baby and bmom.

[cathy102]

That one would of been a hard decision to make. While we were matched with my daughters birthmom, my cousin was doing drugs 6 weeks before her baby was due. She did Coke about 6 times before giving birth and thank god the baby was drug free!!

You and the birthmom will be in my prayers...Take care,

Cathy

[MomTo1]

Mom4life....

I'm sorry this happend to you and I respect you for knowing what you can and can not handle in life. Good for you!

As for me, and only speaking for myself, I would have taken that little baby and loved it all the more. Yet, I had to turn down a child once also, when I found out that both parents were bipoplar and both in jail. That situation did not feel right to me. So, I can completely understand where you are coming form. If you don't believe this baby is for you, then you must move forward and allow another couple to step up and love that baby, like there is no tomorrow. I carried horrible guilt until I was placed with my daughter 8 weeks later, and now I say, THANK GOD. This little girl is the one that was meant for me, no doubt about it. Right down to the idential family mole on her shoulder, my mothers shoulder and my grandmothers shoulder. Talk about someone giving me a sign, so I knew I made the right choice. Guilt vanished!!!

as SViet has said.."..Sometimes you feel so guilty about the decision you are making - but you have to wait until you feel it is right for YOU!"

Amen to that!!!!!

[vbandsf]

While I sympathize with your not wanting a drug exposed baby (I didn't either!) I just wanted to say we accepted two kids for foster/adoption two weeks ago. The social workers said they didn't think the younger child was drug exposed.

Lo and behold, now they're in our home and we're finally getting more of their records, yep, he was.

Thing is, he's been checked by therapists, pediatricians etc and he shows no residual effects. He's being a bit of a monster at the moment as we're past the honeymoon period but we went out last night with another adoptive parent with two ADD kids and jeesh, our son is nothing like that. He's happy, reasonably well adjusted and a neat, neat kid.

So, please, don't write off the drug affected kids automatically. As the pediatrician noted, children's bodies are quite resilient, and also it depends on the drug. Cocaine is generally bad. Some others aren't as much.

Best of luck finding your child. This one wasn't the one, but he or she is out there - maybe not born yet, but you'll know when it's right.

[Linny]

We had to turn down a baby exposed to cocaine and alcohol, just a few weeks ago. He was already born and waiting. It didn't make us feel good, as we have been waiting for over one year. However, we have two boys adopted from the foster system who are FAE and FAS. This gave us enough of a basis to decide if we were willing to deal with it again.
The answer was 'no'. And while the cocaine was of great concern; the alcohol consumption was an even greater concern. We know that soon after we 'turned the baby down', another family was thrilled to have him! Upon hearing this, we knew we had done the 'right thing'.

If it didn't feel 'right' in your soul.........this was not the baby for you. But, your baby will come when the time is right!

Sincerely,

Linny

[MomTo1]

What a beautiful post you made!!

How heartwarming that you thought of the adoptive parents and the dream that you helped fulfill for them. You are truly a very sensitive and loving individual. Your offer is so heartwarming. I wish I could hug you for all of us adoptive mom's out there that only hope and pray our children's bmom may feel even the slightest bit of joy that you have shared with us.

You are TRULY amazing!!!!

[amom4life]

Thank you all so much for your encouragment, prayers,and support! The last couple of days I've spent alot of time second guessing our decision even though I know in my heart we did the right thing. I start playing what if...and that just makes me crazy!

Like what if the drugs didn't affect him? Then I have to come to the reality that there is a good chance they did. I don't know if she used every day, once in awhile or what. but the drug of choice was speed so we're looking at coke, crank, crack, etc...

I know I will be thinking about them and praying for them for a long time. I know there is a family out there for him and there is a child out there for us. It's just tough to go through.

Can'twait,
Thank you for your very loving and generous offer but we're invested in our facilitator. This is the way God has guided us this time and I know it will all work out in His time and it will be the best situation for us when it does.

Again, thank you all!
Judy

[Support2Adopt]

Judy,
If this situation didn't feel right to you, then it's OK that you passed on it. Someone else will find that this is the right situation for them.
I would suggest to anyone reading these posts to do research on drug and/or alcohol exposed babies to see what the outcomes are.
JJ

[lambeausam]

Angelwings2002,

There is a significant difference between a child who is born with Down's Syndrome and a child with drug and/or alcohol exposure. A one-time experiment with drugs or alcohol does not create an addicted or exposed baby. It requires continued use and/or abuse. No one can accurately predict what lies ahead for these children. Some can become successful adults and some are not so fortunate. Parenting kids with exposure can be very difficult - I know I have two.

In this specific thread, the original poster appears to have been honest about what she perceives her ability to parent a drug exposed child to be. I think this is exactly what the child deserves. This child will most likely have difficulties at some point in his/her life and deserves a parent that can accept those problems and successfully advocate for him or her. This doesn't mean the poster will not be a good parent - she just recognizes her limitations.

The original poster also mentions "red flags." Omitting prenatal durg use, whether intentionally or not, clearly will reduce the level of trust among the parties involved. During the adoption process, trust is essential. The prospective parents have to trust that the expectant woman is being honest. The expectant woman has to trust that she is making the best decision for her child and the prosepctive parents will follow-through on their promises. Without this trust, the whole process is dishonest.

*****Maybe IF aparents wouldnt be so "picky" we wouldnt have all these not so perfect children waiting for a family who will accept them into their hearts and homes.*****

Maybe if pregnant woman didn't abuse their bodies and children, there wouldn't be so many waiting children. I am a foster and adoptive parent. So far 100% of the children entering my home have been abused as a result of drug and/or alcohol use by their parent(s). I am not one of the "picky"parents, but I support those who are. Parenting the "waiting children" is not for the weak of heart or thin-skinned. Not everyone can or should parent these kids.

I am sorry for your loss and your difficulty to concieve. I wish you the best in the future.

[carrington]

I know what you mean about the drugs. Our bithmom that we had for just one month said that she had never done any drugs during her pregnancy and then sure enough our son tested postive for coke at birth. There were no dts or any real signs present, but obviously that doesn't mean a whole lot. We just looked at his face and knew that no matter what, we had to take him and we did. He is beautiful little guy and has changed my life forever. I have heard of severe cases and I don't know what I would do in those shoes. Guess ya never know till you walk in them. Keep your chin up it will happen.