[lemonchutney]

I often see adoptive parents post, "When my child is older, I will let him see the information I have about his bparents." I can see some validity in this when the known information is horrifying, but when it's something basic, such as nationality, age at time of relinquishment, height, background, and hair color, why do aparents want to wait until the child is "older"???

My amom lied to me repeatedly saying she had no information about my bparents. Then when I was 21, she dumped into my lap a bunch of information that she'd always known. She blamed my afather, saying he was the one who had wanted to keep the information secret until I was older. She pointed the finger elsewhere because she knew that what she'd done was wrong.

I can't tell you how much more normal I would have felt growing up if I'd known something about my roots and ancestry. Knowing things like this is taken for granted. Knowing about my roots would not have made me love my aparents any less.

In fact, knowing they kept these secrets is making me love them less now!

Don't wait for your kids to be older! It's their information. Give it to them now.

LC

[lemonchutney]

Kelli,

>>>Older can mean in their eyes 5, 8, 10, 16, etc,.

Why wait at all? What could possibly be bad about a six or nine-year-old knowing something about her roots?

LC

[lemonchutney]

Also, I think it's interesting that when aparents say they are going to wait until the child is "older," they almost never specify what older means. They don't define it and my guess is "old enough" never comes, or it finally happens when the adoptee is an adult.

In my opinion, keeping this information from us is a form of identity theft. To help us have a strong sense of identity, we need this information in our adolescent years and preferably sooner--the sooner the better so we can assimilate it more completely.

This issue doesn't get talked about as much, but I think it's just as important as telling your children they are adopted early on..

LC

[clmsie]

LC, Kelli

I have to say that first to you LC, it was nice to know that you wanted to have the information and I hope it has helped you since you got it.

Kelli- I have to say thank you for the way you are doing it.

My reply is I only hope that my sons parents are telling him or that they have as they said they have. I spent a lot of time writing not only my son but his parents and my heart went into every letter. I hope they do give them to him sooner then later and I hope that he knows, and it is not a secret.

You both have my respect for sharing your feelings on this, it is one of the many things I often wonder about.

Thank You Both

Clmsie

[andrews777]

LC, I have already told my children (now 12, 13, 14 and 16) many times what we know of their birth family/situation/etc.

What I will not share at least until they are 18 (and possibly until the youngest is 18) is exact information on birth name and such. I got the original copy of the birth certificate, before it was changed, for just this purpose, but I feel very certain that dumping them with reunion information right now is not the brightest thing to do.

I see it as too great a danger that they will get mad (as they do frequently these days, at least the older two) and in a fit of passion decide to run away to live with their "real parents."

That may make me a bad guy, but I can live with it. I am working on therapy and finding/starting a support group for the older two who are dealing with most of the issues right now.

Hopefully this answers your question.

Brad

[Sharon]

I am a volunteer searcher, and there have been times in the past when I offered search assistance to teen adoptees who post on this forum seeking their biological families. I know many people do not agree with this; so be it. My policy has been to attempt to help ANYONE who asks me for help, or else refer them to someone who can.
The last time I responded to a teen ISO, I received a notice from the forum moderators that it is against the rules of the forum to offer to assist or advise anyone under the age of 18 with searches. I also recieved several nasty PMs from other forum members who disagreed with my attempts to help.
Since obviously this forum is important to me, and I do not wish to be banned from it, I agreed to stop responding to teens ISO (in search of). However, I'm not happy about it. I don't agree with the policy, although I have agreed to abide by it. It is not against the law to search at any age, so why should it be against the "rules"? If a teenage adoptee wants to find his or her biological family, why is it not in his/ her best interest to do so? Is 18 some kind of magic age? At 16, I was considered "mature" enough to sign papers relinquishing my child forever (and by 17, I was raising my second child). Why is a 16-year-old adoptee not considered competent to make a decision about whether or not to seek his/ her birthparents? And if the adoptee is going to do it anyway, why am I, as a volunteer searcher, not allowed to offer my help?
Again, I am now abiding by the rules of the forum (in the past, I was unaware that there were rules forbidding members to assist teenagers in search). But, I question the reason for these rules.
~ Sharon

[lucyjoy]

The problem with helping teens search for bparents is that unless you know them well, you can't know their motivation.
One of my 14 year olds wanted me to find his bmom so I could"talk some sense into her and make her admit what she did to him" (he was removed for abuse and remembers). Obviously, this is not the best time for him to be searching. He needs to deal with his own feelings first. What if he got someone else to search and went confronting this parent unexpectantly in this manner? She currantly denies doing anything wrong and really may have no memory of it as she was using some pretty hard drugs. I also had a 12 year old who wanted to find his bmom so he could murder her. Sometimes adoptive parents do know why their teens shouldn't search. If and when my children are ready to search or see their bparents, I'll be happy to help them with that, but it has to be real and not fantasy.

[Moonchild_Mom]

"In my opinion, keeping this information from us is a form of identity theft. To help us have a strong sense of identity, we need this information in our adolescent years and preferably sooner--the sooner the better so we can assimilate it more completely."

I always enjoy the discussions you initiate LC!! I could not agree with you more! I cannot speak as an AMom who has had a closed adoption, only an Open one. We've talked about my daughter being adopted since day one. She has been surrounded by pictures and voices and faces of her bio family since day one. Even if there was never to be contact (at bio mom's request) until she was an adult, we would still share pictures and all the information we have on her bio parents and family from day one.

My daughter has a picture in her room of her bio mom and a scrap book full of pictures and information on her bio family and she looks at it all the time. As new things are given or sent to us, we add them to the scrapbook. The first two pages of the book have names, addresses, social security #'s, DOBs, etc. on bio parents, sibs, grandparents,etc. These things will not be kept from her, heck they're kept on her dresser. The adoption paperwork is locked up for now - but she only need ask and she can see it anytime - 5, 10, 15, etc.

I don't know why some Aparents do hold out on info until the adoptees are adults. There, I suppose, could be some circumstances in which this may important depending on safety (contact info) that is. But the rest - pictures, descriptions, etc. could still be provided. Questions deserve answers. Becoming an adult is a stressful time in anyone's life. Why compile it by waiting until that moment in life to say, "By the way, here is all the info on your bio family!". I'd rather my daughter have her questions answered throughout her life. I hate the thought of her having to play "catch up" later.

Moonchild Mom

[Cleopatrick]

You rule LC, lol, you always open up the best topics. I agree, kids should be given their information at any age. We wouldn't be able to hide anything from our oldest daughter since she was nine when we adopted her, lol. She has info I don't even have. It all goes back to secrets. There really isn't such a thing as a good secret (unless it's a surprise party, but that's a temporary secret, lol).

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by lemonchutney
Kelli,

>>>Older can mean in their eyes 5, 8, 10, 16, etc,.

Why wait at all? What could possibly be bad about a six or nine-year-old knowing something about her roots?

LC

Agreed that they should know something about their roots. However, I think certain things need to be age appropriate.
Our children are being raised from day 1 to know that they are adopted. However, there are details of their adoptions that will not come out until they are older and only if it is something they want to know.
JJ

[stacyone]

Our daughter is almost 17 months old and we discuss the topic around her all the time. I've made a Lifebook for her and sometimes we look through the pictures in it. I don't plan on forcing the topic down her throat, but I also know I am responsible for bringing it up occasionally to let her know it's always open for discussion. No secrets, no lies, no drama.

That being said, it's easy for me to do -- we have a really positive open adoption. Not all people do and maybe it isn't always appropriate for them to have that information. I'm not sure you can apply a blanket statement about age on this topic.

[patrisha]

LC ~

I was waiting until my daughter was "older" to tell her about her brother. Guess what "older" didn't come until he found me. I'm as guilty of stalling as some of the a/parents.

The bad part about waiting (as I see it) is that at some point you not only have to tell the story, you have to explain why you procrastinated too. In the mean time, you've been preaching to you children the importance of "open honest" communication with their parents (us).

I hear what andrews777 is saying about children in the rebellious stage "running away to the bio/family." Is it really any different than what divorced parents have to deal with all the time? If the bio-parents are that easy to find, then the answer might be to locate them first yourself. I know if my son's a/mom had contacted me during that stage I would have stood behind her 100%.

Although many adoptive parents have gone beyond progressive open adoptions, some still harbor a fear of the evil bio-family lurking in the shadows waiting to snatch their child back. I believe as more open adoptions succeed in growing happier, more self confident adoptees the message will get through that bio-family knowledge and/or contact, when practical, can be a very positive influence.

Very good thread LC.

Trish

[Peggy]

I told my daughter about her bio dad. That the men who she thought of as her "dads" were not. I thought it would be good for her to know her birth father did not abuse her. My therapist told me all I probably did was confuse her by telling her about him. Additionally sometimes teens may want to find their birth families, when it is not in their best interest. This is in the cases where they were removed from the family for their safety. But these may be some of the teens who are looking. They, like my daughter, remember their birthmoms, and could possibly try to runaway to be with them. Adoption should not be a secret, nor should a lot of information. But some information is not age-appropriate.

[Mommy2amiracle]

Lemonchutney!

We plan on sharing the non-identifying info when ds asks. We've been telling him his adoption story from our point of view since day one. He is now 9 months old.

However, we aren't sure when to share everything if at all. We received his birthmother's medical file from the hospital and written in the notes is the fact that his birthparents had an appointment for a partial birth abortion the very next week. Our son was born at 32 weeks gestation and only by his birthmom going into pre-term labor was he born. How in the world do you tell your child something like that? It will be a shock no matter what his age is! We only know what is in the non-id info as his birthparents wanted a closed adoption. We send updates to the attorney every 3 months and they just sit in our son's file in case his birthparents ever want to know anything about him.

I think that for the most part aparents really do have their children's best interest at heart. I'm sorry that you had to wait until you were 21, but I do heartily disagree with Sharon helping teen adoptees. Is any teenager truthfully mature enough? Just my .02!

Mommy2amiracle

[MkMw]

Hi LC -

I guess I kind of fall into the category you're talking about - let me see if I can explain MY reasoning...it might not make sense, but if get questions it might pinpoint my reasoning.

My sons are 14 months. They have heard adoption, South Africa, birthmother, her name, birthgrandparents - right now they don't care about any words but "banana, go, outside, bath, and are you ready for (any meal/snack)" I've shown them pictures of their birhmother - I'm supposed to be getting some of their Birthfather and 3 of their half brothers from the s.w., but we've been home almost a year - so I'm guessing it isn't going to happen.

I have their OBC (abridged only, their birthparents names aren't on them, and they wouldn't let me request them) their ABC and they will have 3rd B.C. in the state of Virginia - I also have their South African passports, and am writing "their story" of how they joined our family. I want them to always know they can ask questions. But the Court Report - I hope they never see it, it read quite harshly. Although, their Birthmother has made great strides in a positive direction, it's a hard way to grow, making this choice and then reading about yourself in a court report. Really it was just that their Birthmother made some bad choices, their Birthfather made some really bad choices, and this was the result.

I can tell them their story, but ONLY as I know - in other words, I only know the parts that their birthparents (and the courts) chose to tell me. And I can't answer any of the WHYS. And, what I hear from most adoptees here is that it isn't just "the facts" they want to know it's the whys. And some of the facts I think would be better learned with the Whys attached.

I can tell them that their Birthparents were nice people, and mean it (I met them both) who made a lot of bad choices - but there it stops. I can also soften up some of the information printed in the court report. I'm hoping before they start asking the really hard questions that we get some more information (family history, her history, and WHY she chose adoption for them) from their Birthmom, she and her family are working on it.

And, some of the information in their birthparents story I worry about - how will affect the boys at each age. There are certain aspects of their story that I haven't figured out how to explain to them - so they will have to wait until they (and we) are older.

o.k. - I can seem to pull this together for some reason so I guess I'll let it stand as is.....

michelle