[ajluvsu]

Hey - this question is for anyone who has insight really.

My afamily met my bdad and treated him really horribly. As if he were scum or a bad person or something.

We all met at a diner, and my bdad thanked my asister for doing such a good job raising me. This made my a-sister offended!

(I was half-raised by my asister, because my aparents died. )

So a-sister says, "We don't need to be thanked."

Then my adad tried to present my afamily with some gifts. (Jelly beans - that's all he could afford. cute, lol.)

But my a-sister REFUSED the gifts!! This made my a-dad really hurt and sad. It's like they *rejected* him.

This had such a bad effect because I became defensive of my bdad to my afamily. Ugh!

The rest of my relations with my bio-family is completely a secret now, because of their initial reaction.

Now I am trying to understand my a-family. (Without being too annoyed at them.)

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Hi AJ,

I bet that whole situation made you feel stuck in the middle.

I think sometimes afamilies become very nervous when meeting bparents. They might feel that your relationship is forever changed...they love you very much right...they may feel they will lose you.

Have you talked to them about how this will not change how you feel about your asister?

Is there any reason why they feel that way towards your bdad? Based upon what you have told us it sounds like your sister was a little rude.

Remeber that in this whole situations many feelings are brought to the surface that have been lingering but not said. It can cause lots of conflict emotionally for everyone involved.

Donna

[faith_amom]

I wonder if there are things that happened way back when that you don't know about. It is easier to forgive things said and done to yourself than it is to someone you love.

If that isn't the cause, then it could be that your Afamily is afraid of losing you. Communication is the key. Have you let your Asister know how much she hurt you? I would ask her to explain her reaction, and I would reassure her that nothing and nobody will ever change your love for her.

Remember that adoptions used to not be as open as they are now, and Afamilies didn't get the education that they do now. I, personally, do not feel threatened in any way by my son's Bfamily. I am his mom, and nothing and nobody will ever change the relationship that we have. If he chooses to reunite w/his Bfamily, I will be there by his side to celebrate if the reunion is good and to comfort him if the reunion is bad. It is so sad that you are caught in the middle.

Hugs to you.

- Faith

[lucyjoy]

You mentioned your aparents died. Maybe your siter felt some strong loyalty issues? Did you talk about it after the meeting?
Just a thought.

[ajluvsu]

Thank you THREE so much for replying!

I'm sorry I didn't post this thank you sooner. I just started a new job last week...lame excuse.

Reading your insights really helped, and I realized that I never talked to my a-sister about it afterward. Yes, she was rude, and after that meeting, we never discussed it again.

I almost feel embarrassed now to bring it up. As for communication - I have reassured my a-sister MULTIPLE times that this won't change my relationship with her.

But it sort of has, because now I am keeping things from her.

Again - thank you for responding! I am sure there are lots of other people going through this too...and it helps to read this stuff!

Love me

[Shoshana]

Thought I'd chime in.

My parents & sister met my birth mother and bio-"1/2" sisters for the first time (shortly after the reunion). An outside observer would've have thought, "oh, my gosh, who ARE these uptight people." Their discomfort was almost palpable. But it didn't last.

It took a lot of work on my part to continually reassure my sister that SHE was the sister I grew up with and would always be my REAL sister. Ditto for my mother but I'd been helping her with it since the beginning of my search so the first meeting was easier for her than for my sister.

It also helped ALOT that my birth mother realized my sister/parents were scared and she was SO kind and patient with them -- she expressed HER interest in knowing them and reassured them of their importance.

Now, it's a moot point and everyone gets along (and thankfully it didn't take long to get to that point.).

My advice to you is to reach out to your sister now and mend the bridges (yes, even if you know she was "wrong" ). She may need a lot of extra care and reassurance right now if the future's going to be any different. It would be really sad to let her worst fears come true, e.g., her fear that she'll loseyou.

Best of luck with your reunion!