[HollynSteve]

Can anyone tell me how you get through a failed placement? We had twin boys placed with us 26 days ago. Bmom's period to revoke would have been done on Monday. But she revoked this morning and I had to say goodbye to my darling angels. How can someone do that? She's been jerking us around since the beginning. She originally told us we were getting them and then told us the day we were supposed to pick them up that her mom was taking them. The next day she changed her mind. Last wednsday she again said she was going to parent then within 6 hours changed her mind and wanting the boys to stay with us. Now they are truly gone. I had to pack up bottles, diapers and clothing and kiss my babys one last time. How in the world do I get through this? My family isn't being very supportive either. They just keep saying that they knew this was going to happen. They're to into my sister's baby that was born yesterday.

Any help is appreciated.

[wanttobeparents]

It's hard to mourn the loss of the babies when your family is excited about your sister's new arrival. I'm sorry it happened to you and that your family is not more supportive of you. The last thing you need to hear right now is "I knew this would happen."
It looks like you got a double dose of pain with the birth of a new child in the family at the same time you lose the babies you have had with you for more than 3 weeks.

How do you get through it? One day at a time. Some days, it might only be an hour or a minute at a time. Eventually, the pain will be less. Hang in there.

Peggy

[amom4life]

Holly,
I'm so sorry that this happened to you! I don't know how to get through this kind of devastating pain other than time. It's one thing for a birthmother to change her mind (that'sher right), but to do it repeatedly is cruel.
My heart goes out to you.
Do you think there might be a chance she will change her mind yet again? If she does is there any way of protecting yourselves?
Judy

[faith_amom]

(((( HUGS ))))

I am sooo sorry that you are having to go through this. I agree that the way you get through any painful experience is one step at a time. You have to take time to grieve your loss. Time doesn't heal the wounds, but the grieving process does. Healing an emotional wound doesn't mean that things go back to the way they were -- it means that you will eventually reach a point that you can accept this loss and let is become a part of who you are.

Are you a Christian? If so:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Ps. 34:18

Take the time cry your heart out. In my opinion, you loss is similar to having your new babies die. They might still be alive, but they are dead to your family and to your life. You knew the joys of motherhood for a brief time, and now that loss is so much more crushing.

Your family just doesn't "get it." The adoption process is something that nobody can fully "get" until they have walked the walk. I would choose carefully who to turn to for support, and your family clearly doesn't fit the bill.

Does your church have a Stephen ministry? That might be one good resource for you.

Hang in there.

(((( HUGS ))))

- Faith

[Support2Adopt]

{{{Holly}}}
I am so very sorry. After 26 days, I know you must have formed a strong attachment to the babies. Just take things one step at a time. Cry your tears and mourn your loss. In time, slowly, things will get better. If it's at all possible, try to get away for a couple of days.
I feel so sad for you that your family isn't being more supportive. You've got us and we're here for you.
JJ

[Judilyn]

Holly, I am sure that no words I could say would take away or even ease your pain. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am praying for you.

Judilyn

[Linny]

Just wanted you to know that I have sent a private message to you. I know it was a little strong, and that's why I didn't post it here.

I am keeping you and Steve in my prayers.

Most sincerely,

Linny

[Papamba]

I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Pam

[cathy102]

Sorry to hear about the whole situation. You will be in my prayers...

Take care,

Cathy

[Brat]

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Faith's post eloquently expressed what comes to my mind, as does the scripture she shared. May God bless you, and may you feel Him holding you close right now.

[HollynSteve]

Thanks to all for their words of encouragement. I really think I had prepared myself for this to happen as she'd be playing with our minds for so long. (Please don't jump on me. I was the person who explained to Bmom what a semi-open adoption was so that she could make an informed opinion. I personally think she's a horrible person for what she's put us through. I realize that she has and needs a certain period of time to revoke her consent. But how LONG is TOOO long.)

Steve's sister has been wonderful. Ever since we got the boys, she was calling every other day to check on us, she was throwing a baby shower. When we found out on Friday Steve called her at work and she came right down. She wanted to say her goodbyes too. She then helped Steve de-baby our house while I laid down. IT was nice but kind of made things more real. No pacifers on the tables, blankets on the floor or dirty diapers in the pail.

I am a firm beliver in God helps those who help themselves. So I am in the process of writing letters to all of the legislators in Maryland. I think 30 days is too long, I know that even if she had only had ten days she probably would have changed her mind but I still think 30 is too long. We have one of the longest time frames of any state. I will also be starting a petition so that in time I can print and send it to the legislators as well.

[Sharon]

I am extremely sorry that you are going through such a painful experience. I understand your need to be proactive, to DO something besides just sitting around feeling like a victim. Whether or not 30 day grace periods are too long is almost beside the point... the point is that you have been hurt by this policy, and the legislators need to hear your story in order to make a fair and balanced decision about rather to keep this policy in place or change it. Sometimes, taking action is the only thing you can do.
I wish you luck, I hope you find the support you need to work through this pain, and I hope you are able to adopt another chid in the near future.
~ Sharon

[stacyone]

((((((((((((Holly))))))))))

I know how much I loved my peanut at 26 days... I am so sorry for your loss. A previous poster was right... one minute at a time, one day at a time... Don't try to bury the pain, but don't stay stuck in it, either. At some point, and only you guys can decide when, start venturing toward your goal again. When the time is right, it'll happen.

And I personally believe that the boys will remember your love and keep it tucked in their hearts somewhere.

Take care!

[HollynSteve]

mn125:

My biggest concern is that after 30 days, Bmom's still have a 6 month period where they can fight for the child back. It is not unprecidented in this state for bmoms to win this battle. I have a friend whose child was taken one day before the sixth month mark. Bmom stated that in a phone conversation, the Amom made her give her child up. No one every makes you do something.

So our state has several laws protecting the Bparents. What about the children? Bmom had these boys for a month before she made her placement decision. When our sons came to us they had just been released from a week long stint at a local hospital. One came home on medicine and the other had such a severe diaper rash that he literally had no skin left on his little butt cheeks. How is putting him back into this a good thing? Where is the protection for the Aparents? We have now lost $4000 in agency fees, the money for diapers, wipes, clothing and other needed items. Not to mention the heart break. I've had to rearrange my whole house to remove any and every baby item because it just hurts too much to see any of it.

So yes I agree that Bmom's need time to make their decision. But how long is too long? Do we only protect the bparents in this? Or shouldn't there be some protection for the everyone else involved in the adoption triangle?

[Sandy_L_D]

Holly,

Your story has brought a flood of tears to my eyes as I remember your post when you brought the babies home. I am now deeply sorry for your loss and will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I also pray for the safety and health of the babies.