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Old 07-21-2003, 05:06 AM
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rahulsmom rahulsmom is offline
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I dreamed of having a baby in our home either by adoption or biologically for five long years. To be very honest we didnt try the fertility treatment way - we believed that when the time was right we would be blessed. And on our fifth wedding anniversary when we really felt we were really ready to be parents and prayed for our baby the call came. My son, three years old and very excited to have a mommy and a daddy came to us just just two weeks later. He is now my life.

My point is, as shellia424 and others have made - somewhere out there is a baby who is meant for you and will come to you when the time is right. Some call it fate, karma or destiny. Also, consider an older child too... ours at 3 - got me off the diaper changing hook (my father in law calls it a short cut) but for the joy he brings us I would change a million smelly diapers cheerfully.

You are in our prayers - keep the faith, just keep the faith...
The joy that you give to others is the joy that comes back to you...
Adoptive Mom to Rahul, 3
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Old 07-22-2003, 04:06 AM
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ndkaff ndkaff is offline
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We have been there, done that
We have had 2 failed adoptions
The lastest happend just this past April.
I went to the bmom's last 3-4 doc. appts. Met her daughter and bfather for dinner a couple of times. I was able to be in the OR when she had a c-section. My husband and I spent several hours in the nursery. Spent time with bmom in her hospital room.
Took the baby home on a Friday. That Monday got "the call" from our caseworker. I was in a total state of shock as this was the 2nd time this has happened to us.
The bmom wanted us to bring him back to the agency the following day. I told our worker NO, if she wants him back she gets him back TODAY. Why should we delay our grief any longer.
My husband and I made plans to go to FL for a couple of weeks to try and heal..
Well, at 7:15 the following morning I get a call from the bmom!! What the H***!!
She wants us to take S*** back!!
We go to the agency for a meeting.
We tell her that we are leaving for a couple of days and she really needs to think about this.
That Friday we get a call from our caseworker that bmom wants us to take S*** back.
So we rush home. We talked to bmom in the parking lot for a while.
She said she was soo sorry that she did this to us. so on so on....
Well, that Monday the bmom changes her mind AGAIN!!!
So we had to bring the baby back once again.
My husband and I are now considering turning to international adoption....less chance of bmom changing her mind.
Hang in there. You are not alone
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Old 07-22-2003, 05:51 AM
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stacyone stacyone is offline
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ndkaff, I'm so sorry!!!!! What an emotional rollercoaster for you!
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Old 07-22-2003, 07:12 AM
Bogie Bogie is offline
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This is a very difficult thing to go through. - We also had a birthmother change her mind - in the hospital. She kept going back and forth for 3 days before she finally decided, and the agency we were working with provided NO support for us. I'm not sure how we got through it, except I know a lot of people were praying for us.

3 months later, we were matched with our daughter's birthmother. Now that Olivia is home with us, I can't imagine my life without her - and she wouldn't be with with us now if the other potential birthmother had placed her child with us. I thank God every day now that Olivia is with us, and it's now so easy to see that he had even more wonderful things planned for us than we could dream of. It will happen for you!!! Continue to pray, and follow God's lead - He wants the best for you. I know that's hard to hear right now, but it's true. Don't give up - it will happen!

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Old 07-22-2003, 12:58 PM
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polkadotghost polkadotghost is offline
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My heart is just breaking for all of you. I do also truly believe in fate as that was how our baby girl was brought to us last year. She was born on the exact day my husband and I had met 7 years prior. We had given up hope on ever having children. But the waiting is total torture. Good luck!!!
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Old 07-22-2003, 01:11 PM
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aspenhall aspenhall is offline
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My dh siad something that makes sense.....He says this feels like a courtship...the matching and stuff is just dating......sometimes it just isn't meant to be and to force it would create a worse situation for all. This being said I am not pinning my hopes on anything until I bring my child home. (our state laws are a little different) Once child is placed the only reason it can be removed is because of something that the aparents did/didn't do. I know that I couldn't be happy with a child when the bparents were unsure of their decision. So I am just gonna "date around" until we find "the one" LOL

Good luck to all, and I am so sorry for all of your heartache
8-25-05 Finalized Adoption of 4 yo girl private placement in an Open Adoption.

I survived/am surviving Post Adoptive Depression
Official LDS beliefs site
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Old 07-22-2003, 08:11 PM
randy_jim randy_jim is offline
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birthmom changed mind

Dear waiting parents:
We also went through several birthmom's that changed their minds. We also flew to Pennsylvania from Florida to pick up our new baby and the bf decided to keep him. You will never forget these children. We pray every day for them. But God knows where your child is and when you will get him/her. We waited four years and then we were blessed with three children right after each other. They are now 2,3,4.
It is so difficult to wait and not many people know the feeling of loss and the grieving that accompanies each failed placement. But we are out here and we know the ache. We will pray that you get your child.
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Old 07-23-2003, 12:40 AM
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dl dl is offline
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While we all agree that this is a very sad and painful situation, if you did indeed read this entire thread, you had to have seen the two posts that indicated that the use of the abbreviation "birthmom" is seen as offensive to many. I would encourage you to not to continue to use that abbreviation in subsequent posts. It is viewed as a personal insult to many bmothers and simply offensive to adoptees such as myself as well as some amothers.

Thank you!
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Old 07-23-2003, 06:13 AM
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Sharon Sharon is offline
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Randy Jim,
I'm very sorry for your situation. But please be considerate and respectful of other members of the triad. The term "birthmom" is simply not appropriate. Thank you, and best wishes to you.
Sincerely, Sharon
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Old 07-23-2003, 06:39 AM
randy_jim randy_jim is offline
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Well folks-
I did not know that the term 'birthmom' is offensive. After being in the system and trying to adopt through private and public agencies for almost five years that is all I heard birth mothers refered to as. So I am happy that you think enough of the whole system to gently guide me in the appropriate use of terms. I am thinking that the term 'birthmother' is always spelled out and never abbreviated... what about birthfather's? And what does dh stand for?
As for the people I posted in reply to: please forgive me if I offended you or any one else. I am new to using forums and don't know a lot. But I do know that God has been so gracious and loving to us and has answered our prayers for a family. So I will continue to pray for those wanting children, for the birth mothers that make that most difficult and loving of decisions, and the children themselves.
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:40 PM
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dl dl is offline
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"I did not know that the term 'birthmom' is offensive. After being in the system and trying to adopt through private and public agencies for almost five years that is all I heard birth mothers refered to as."

I am completely shocked that birthmothers being referred to by the same abbreviation as a bowel movement is all you've heard within the system. The social worker I'm working with said she has never seen this used in even interdepartment notes, let alone used verbally with expectant women or potential adoptive parents.

"I am thinking that the term 'birthmother' is always spelled out and never abbreviated... what about birthfather's?"

I don't see where anyone has stated that birthmother is always spelled out and never abbreviated. Many posting on the forum do spell it out. As I posted previously, "bmother" or "bmom" or “bio-mom” are all commonly used. Likewise, "bfather" or "bdad" or "bio-dad" are common abbreviations.

"And what does dh stand for?"

As I understand it, it means "darling husband" or "dear husband".

I'm happy for you that you have been blessed with a family. I feel God was watching over me when he led my parents to me when I was 13 months old.
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Last edited by dl : 07-23-2003 at 01:43 PM.
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Old 07-23-2003, 07:21 PM
randy_jim randy_jim is offline
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Dear dlouis,
Thank you for the clarification as to terminology. As you can probably ascertain I am not a visual person- mostly intuitive. This has had its funnier moments- such as the time I ran up in a store and hugged my dh from behind only to find out it wasn't him at all. A lot of people size up people by looking at them. I try to look in them and for that you do not need eyes.
I, too, believe you were blessed with wonderful parents- people to raise you and accept you as you are....
With my babies I 'see' three wonderful creations of the most wonderful God on high who has given me the awesome joy of raising them for a time in His ways and then letting them go. My babies are blessed to have birth parents that loved them enough to let them go. I know two out of the three sets and would gladly take all of them into our home. They have called me for support and have called me their counselor. I have told them to be people that their children would be proud to be like when they grow up. I am not special except as the especially proud mother of my children. I thank God everyday for people like yourself who put themselves out to help others change for the better.
As for the adoption process- once you live through it, you can go through anything.
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Old 07-28-2003, 07:06 PM
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InHisService InHisService is offline
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I've read through this thread and my heart is saddened. I know how hard it must be on all of you who have tried to adopt and have had a wall thrown up in one shape or another. Wether it be a birthmother changing her mind in the begining or after the child is born. I am a birthmother of a little boy named Zach who is nearly 5 years old. I am also a mother who has had a still born child. I know loss. I know what it's like to have my hopes up to have a child only to find an empty nest. I pray for all of you who have lost. I get a very strong feeling in reading through this thread that you have a very bad taste in your mouth for birthmothers. Do you know how hard it is to give up a child? I know how bad I've wanted a child. Think of just how bad you want a child. Most birthmothers want children too. They don't all make the last minute choice to parent, but isn't that their right to change their mind? I mean it is their child, they have carried the child for 9 or so months and bonded with their child. When they change their mind it's not to spite you. They are making a choice, wether it's a good one or a bad one it is their choice. I know it hurts you a lot, it is a loss for you too. I guess that my belief is that The Lord has a plan for every life. It is His will to place these children where and when he wants to. He has a plan for your life...for your family and in His timing, His will, will be done. I just ask that you try to step into the shoes of the birthmother and realise just how hard it is to give up a child, and what a birthmother has to go through once they give up that child. It is NOT easy and it is a choice that effects them for the rest of their lives. You get a happy ending the family that you have been longing for and praying for, for birthmothers it's not so happy. It's a HUGE loss and for some birthparents that loss scares them out of doing what they may know is right. Sometimes it feels like our feelings, and what we have to go through as birthparents gets forgotten in this whole process. I'll be praying for all of you that you get happy endings, that you get the families that you are praying for. I pray that you will all be blessed through the adoption process. But please do not forget what birthmoms and dads have to go through.
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Old 07-28-2003, 08:58 PM
tarnold40 tarnold40 is offline
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As I read this thread I had a lot of mixed emotions. I do not feel sad for the adopting parents of a child in which the birth mother changes her mind. I have no sympathy for the birth mother that gives her child up to a caring family. I have been on both sides. I changed my mind after giving birth to my eldest daughter simply because I was young and didn't understand the adoption process. In 1983, I gave a child up for adoption to a family in Oklahoma. I went through this process very open minded and I have never had any remorse for doing this. He is almost 20 years old. In 1985, I had a chance meeting with someone that had been on the Edna Gladney waiting list for over 7 years. She and her husband were high school sweet hearts and married after they both completed college. I actually knew the husband. I overheard a conversation between the husband and a doctor and up to that point I had not even considered adoption but something in my heart made me approach the husband and ask him if he would like to adopt my baby. When he went in to talk to his wife, she immediately came out of the office crying. After we talked to the attorney - I made her promise that if she wanted to adopt the baby girl I was carrying (no one told me it was a girl - I knew she wanted a girl) she would have to go to every doctor's appointment I had and she would go in the delivery room. She had a wonderful pregnancy. She did all the things that pregnant moms are supposed to do. She and I build a bond between us therefore, she would have a bond with her baby. After the baby was born (yes, it was a girl) she asked me numerous times if I wanted to change my mind and I kept telling her - NO, this is God's gift to you, I was just the bearer. That was 18 years ago. I talk to her about every two or three years to see how her daughter is doing. I have had three different scenarios happen. Change mind, closed adotpion and open adoption.

One day, when you least expect it, your child will be waiting. If I could have continued to have children for all the people out there that wanted children, I would have done it because I know that the little girl I put in her families life - is a cherished memory, one that I will never forget nor I have never had any remorse over.

I had my tubes tied about 14 years ago after the birth of my youngest daughter. She was actually born after I had my tubes tied after my youngest son. If I could give you a child - I would.
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Old 07-28-2003, 11:38 PM
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KatieMill KatieMill is offline
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As a waiting adoptive mother, I too have had two failed situations. I also know that I could never be mad at a mother that chooses to parent her child.

That said, these forums should also be a place for adoptive parents to share their frustration, betrayal, pain, and anger with others going through the same situations without being "scolded" for having certain feelings--even if they aren't always politically correct. It is very hard to go through this disappointment when you have empty arms, empty baby beds, and quiet homes. While all around you there are pregnant women, children playing, and families starting. Others not in this situation simply do not understand what we are feeling.

Just as only birthmothers know the heartache in the decision, only adoptive parents know the heartache of wanting and waiting--while needing an endless supply of money and patience. Basically, failed adoptions are a miscarriage and sometimes an actual "death" in a way to the a-parents. And let us not forget the endless stream of well-meaning family and friends...that try to be helpful with advice...and who have never walked this painful journey.

You see no matter how happy and joyous I will feel when my child is in my arms--nothing will erase the pain of 2 years of failures. And yes, I will have a chiild....the one God means for me....but this journey is not easy....

Lastly, having walked this journey--it saddens me to hear society and all of its negative messages. 1)How could a mother ever give up her child? 2)This is the Smith's "adopted" daughter....(not just their daughter) 3)How could this birthmother have done this to you!?! 4)Where is God in all of this? 5) Adoptive parents do not honor their promises for "openness." , etc. How truly difficult it is to filter out all of these messages--without scolding society--yet making educating them to change this.
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