[love4]

I am not scared anymore because what I feared has happened. My adult child not only met her birthparents but has moved in with them. My emotions go up and down everyday. My heart has broken into a million pieces. I have given my all and I feel abandoned and rejected. She doesn't understand why I would ever feel this way because after all I am her mom. I don't see her much and it hurts. She lives just minutes from me. I have done everything to support her the best way I can except for being hurt. That I find very difficult to overcome. I am not sure how to set up for private messages but if anyone wants to email me privately, let me know. love4

[jjjetplane2]

I wish there was something I could say to help you out. I know 2 others this has happened to. One went and moved across country to be by birth mom only to return a few months later, humbled. She now lives with a-mom.

The second... Moved out of a-home and in with b-mom at 18, drinks and does drugs with and has learned to live off the system like they do.

I often wondered why this forum does not have and catagory for a-parent whose children reunite.

[Support2Adopt]

love4,
Thank you so much for posting your story.
For those of you reading this thread, love4 is a personal friend of mine whom I encouraged to post her story.
Yes, it is said that adoption is about the child, but is also about the Birthparents and the Adoptive parents and their pain and emotions.
I think a very good point has been brought up and that is having a forum for Aparents whose children re-unite. I will bring this up to the administrators.
JJ

[Shoshana]

grrrrrr - i just posted a response and forgot to press submit after i previewed it. okay -- i'll see if i can recreate what i wrote:

dear love 4:

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. i don't know how old your daughter is. it's possible that she not only needs to know medical and family history but that she also needs to develop a relationship with her birth family -- she may NEED this to grow and develop as an individual.

people have an unlimited capacity to love. because a person loves X, it does not have to diminish their love for Y. in fact, loving X can make the love for Y stronger.

as I have developed into a healthy adult, my relationship with my mother has become even closer -- in no small part due to the fact that i have a relationship with my birth mother as well. regardless of where your daughter lives, you will always be her mom. nothing will change that. i hope she has the wisdom to treat the relationship she has with you with care and respect.

best wishes to you...

[Anita]

I can't even imagine how difficult it would be!

Just remember you are the family who has helped your child throughout her life. Maybe she needs to do this to answer the many questions she has about her beginnings. However, people know and remember, the people who have touched there lives. You will always have a very special place in your daughters heart, and even in the b-moms heart too.

Hopefully, if you give your daughter the space and time she needs, she will reconnect with her a-family. Just let her know the door is always open.

The grass is always greener on the otherside. Once time has passed, hopefully your daughter will see what she has had her whole life is a loving family.

Last thing is, parents always get the bum rap. Your the one who had to discipline, punish, ground, or whatever the case maybe. Your the one who annoyed her about homework, jobs, etc. Your daughter looks at her b-mom and probably glamourizes the wonderful life she could have had if you hadn't come along. Reality will eventually show your daughter you did it out of love, and that is what parents are suppose to do.

Good Luck to you. Just because your daughter isn't living with you does not mean she doesn't think about you, or love you any less. Just continue to show her you love her, and want her to be a part of her family.

[Mom2eight]

Oh how hard.. I am so sorry. She may come home. This may be about her finding out about herself. Support her as much as you can. Developmentally her heading out in a direction opposite from you is normal. I think adopted kids do it harder sometimes because they have all those identity issues to resolve. You are her mom trust the job you did and if you can find a way to send your love and support.. I will keep you in my prayers.
Kathleen

[dpen]

Your heart must be breaking into a million pieces! I can't imagine bringing up a child and having them "find a new mom". But, I think the others are right,the grass is always greener. You didn't say how old she is. AS an adoptee , I have always felt the if there is to be a reunion the adoptee should be an adult, with a means to support themselves, and somewhat of an idenity in place. Any younger then that the risk of the adoptee "trying to strike at parents" is to high. I happens all the time in bio families but the added dimension of adoption makes it more difficult to deal with. I don't believe its good for the adoptee or anyone else involved. It just complicates things even more.

How long as the reunion been in effect?

[love4]

It is nice to hear from all of you. My daughter is over 25 and she may even be reading these posts. I want her to know I love her very much and she is my daughter. I also want all of you to know that I met her birthparents and I liked them instantly! I want to be friends. I try to support her as much as I can but like I said before, I can't help feeling abandoned. She tells me she doesn't understand why I wouldn't be happy for her and I am and I also am happy for her wonderful birthparents. But the fact is that she is with them most of the time. She is so happy now and in her growing up years and still, she has dished out all her anger at the family because of adoption issues. I was there and took all the bashing because I loved her so much and I didn't want her to hurt. I wanted to help her but I couldn't fill the hole in her heart. It broke my heart to see my child hurt so. It hurts to see her so happy when we have been hurt by all her angry words. I feel like she left. I do talk with her here and there but nothing compares to her being over there 24/7. It hurts. I am willing to be one big family if it would help her and because I like her birthparents so much. Time is helping me to let go and move on. Allowing her the freedom to make her choices. Sharon

[patrisha]

love4 ~

I don't want to patronize you by telling you "everything will be alright." Even if your daughter came home to you tommorrow your relationship with her has already been negatively impacted by her actions.

I've heard from several adoptees' that dreaming about being part of a biological family is a powerful fantasy. A birthmom's fantasy is to somehow undo the loss and pain of the loss of our child. The temptation to try and live that fantasy at reunion can be pretty overwhelming. Fortunately, in most cases at least one party is mature enough to know it's not possible.

My son's amom passed away many years before our reunion. He was accused (by a less than sensitive extended relative) of trying to "replace" his mom. That wasn't the case at all. Neither of us has any illusion about who's face comes to mind when his "mom" is mentioned. That's not to say he hasn't appreciated having someone in his life again that cares about him unconditionally.

My best advise is don't over react. I haven't heard of any adoptees that have tossed aside their aparents just because they reunited with their bfamily. Many claim in the long run the experience improved their sense of self and their relationship with their adoptive family.

Good Luck
Trish

[love4]

What does it feel like to have your adult child set up her life around her birthparents? She is setting up her job and where she will live to be with them. I feel a great lose. I feel abandoned and uncared about. It makes it look to others that I was a bad parent. I wasn't a perfect parent but I was good enough. I loved deeply and made sure all her needs were met. I gave my all to raising my children. Everything I did was for their good. I made mistakes but I did my best. I loved deeply. It has been 4 months now and I do here from her ocassionally. She says all the kind words you would want to hear but it doesn't mend my broken heart. Give it time? Maybe.
We talk friendly when we talk and their isn't any angry words spoken. But it hurts. Mother's Day, my birthday, her birthday was spent with her birthparents.
I thought if I loved enough it would make a difference. I enjoyed so much her growing up years even through all her anger. I loved being a mom. I felt honored to be a mom. Every vacation was planned for them.
What more can I say? love4

[Camera]

Love4,

Maybe it's time you do some living for yourself. You've spent much of your life, by the sound of your posts, caring for and raising your children. Instead of feeling abandoned, turn that around and try to feel great that your kids have grown up, can look out for themselves and are flying on their own now. They aren't depending upon you any longer. Doesn't mean they don't love you, in fact, raising kids that are on their own is the true testament of GREAT parenting.

You've also raised your daughter to be open to her birth family. Awesome job on your part. Some adopted children aren't so loving and hold grudges toward the b-parents.

Try to turn this around so that you don't wallow in sadness. Your daughter hasn't stopped loving you. If you allow her this time to connect with her genetic family, without guilt, she will still be there for you. Be supportive as you obviously have been.

Good luck to you. This is a great time for you to now live your own life outside of the life you had devoted to your kids. It's like a retirement. It takes time to figure out what you'll do, but once you get going you'll love every minute of it.

Camera

[Decision]

Camera
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I know many adoptee's who chose to live with their birthmother after reunion, sometimes the adoptee feels guilty over the pain the birthmother feels...which is down right sad because the birthmothers pain has nothing to do with her child. However I do know of several adoptee's who want to connect with their birth families and what better way to do so then live with them, I do not find any harm in that. It would be very difficult for me if one day my second son would say to me well I lived here for half my life now I want to go see what living with my father is like, I would be heartbroken, my heart is jerking just writing the words.If you have love and trust in your relationship then I would not give it a second thought, I dont believe she is intentionally hurting you,even though it may seem that way...children are ours for such a short time.
Hugs
Melissa

[love4]

My daughter did tell me that I had her for 28 years and her birthmom had her for just 4 months. That hurt.

I do not totally dwell on this as I love my life and I am going on with it. I have many goals and I have 3 other children. 2 of which still live at home. If there is one thing I am learning through all this is that this situation is only a part of my life. There are many other parts that are wonderful and I cherish. I love to travel and read and walk and visit with friends. I love to cook and bake and do things with my husband and my girls. I am really happy with my life and I wouldn't change a thing. I am happy that I adopted 4 girls and I love being their mom and now with my two older ones........their friend. So my sadness is not overtaking my life. I would hope that through my story that others who are suffering will come forward and be comforted. We can support and comfort each other until the pain is gone.
love4

[Judilyn]

Keep reaching out to your daughter. I know how bad this must hurt but a parent's love is unconditional. Love is never a waste. It may not seem like it now but she will appreciate the way you stood by her. This is a season that will pass. Maybe she just needs time to herself right now to be alone with her bmom. I know how it must rip your heart out to be the one shut out right now.

If I was a bmom (I am an amom) I would reach out to my child's afamily and invite them in to be part of the circle not outside the circle. But that's just me. I have recently tried to reach out to my daughter's bmom but as many of you know she passed away. It broke my heart.

You sound like such a wonderful person who really puts the needs of others before your own. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make it all go away for you. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Judilyn

[love4]

All your replys are so kind and loving and unconditional and most of all humble. I have no problem with reunions. I think it is a good thing to be able to heal. There is so much sympathy for birthmoms and adopted children. I do understand this and I opened my heart to give my daughter this opportunity. I met her birthparents and I like them. I see no wrong in a relationship with them. However it is very difficult when your daughter moves right in with them and what little we did have (because of her anger toward feelings of rejection and curiousity) is vanishing. Her loving words to us are not backed up with her actions. I can't imagine any parent feeling o.k. with this. I have put my feeling aside so that I will not lose my daughter because of my pain. I speak them all out here. Time will bring her back? Maybe. But when you are going through it you do not see a light at the end of the tunnel.

It makes me somewhat angry that birthparents and adoptees feelings are made so precious and they are to be given all consideration and an adoptive mother's feelings are to be brushed aside. Maybe I am selfish but I am not speaking just for myself but for other mom's in my situation. There is so much support for adoptees and birthparents and very little for adoptive parents. It feels like someone came in and took my daughter. To me it feels the same as if she were born to me.

Shouldn't adoptees take into consideration the feelings of the parents that raised them? To me, moving in is not very considerate of my feelings. There is a better way.