[Mary Schilling]

I would like to hear some responses that other adoptive parents use when their foster/adopted children are not accepted by extended family members. We have had 7 foster children and just adopted the last foster child. All other children have returned to parents or relative placements. My family members buy them toys for birthdays/holidays but treat them differently. None of our relatives came to our child's adoption party. We were hurt by their response and had more support from co-workers and friends.

[dangerlucy]

It will probably be very difficult to change the minds of those who don't feel your "adopted" child is a real part of the family. My brother-in-law (married to my husband's sister) has three children that he brought to their marriage, two of them being African-American. My husband's mother has and will probably always treat them differently. Her biological granddaughter always receives the better presents and more attention. When we told her that we were adopting from China and may even adopt a special needs child, she told us to "spend the extra money and get a healthy kid." Not very supportive, if you ask me.

Good Luck and hopefully, they will turn around. It may take some time, though, for them to accept them into the family. It also took my family a year or more to accept my stepkids as part of our family. But it should happen in time.

[Shoshana]

Hi Mary:

My first reaction was to suggest that you tell them how you EXPECT them to act around your child -- but realizing that you get further with diplomacy....

I'd talk to them and tell them what you've noticed, in a non-accusatory way, telling them that you want to understand what they're feeling. Then I'd tell them why it is SO important to you and to your new child that this not happen. I'd also tell them that while you realize that someone can't dictate another's feelings, that the very least you expect -- since they are an adult, is that they treat the child with as much care as they are treating their other related children.

If they persisted in behaving in this way, then I'd keep the child away from them.

I remember growing up that I rarely experienced this, but when it did happen, my father was the first to jump to my defense. It made me so proud of him and took away the 'hurt' that the unfeeling/rude relative had tried to inflict.

Good luck!

[dpen]

You know it really takes a self centered person to treat a child like that wether adopted or not! My MIL is one to play favorrites, when my eldest was born he was the light of her life...#2 son was born and she made it so obivious that#1 was her favorite. My husband and I both had to talk to her and let her know that we won't except any difference in treatment, if she was unable to do that we would't aqccept anything from her for either one of them. To play favorites for whatever the reason is just plain cruel and dangerous for a child. If they really do have different feelings for one child or another than they have tokeep them to themselves. They need to act like a caring adult.

Is there anyone that can talk to them to make them understand that they are just being cruel?

[tobeafamily]

"Adoption Is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know" By Patricia Irwin Johnston.

Then both DH and I made it clear in conversation that we felt families were created most strongly through LOVE, we're sure they feel the same way and that they understand that GOD puts babies where He wants them.

Pretty well everyone's on board now, though we had some difficult moments with DH's parents early on.

HTH,

Regina AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas 4/24/02

[wanttobeparents]

Mary Ann,

They may still be seeing the child as a foster child, not as your child. Since the other children are no longer in your home, they may feel that this one may leave as well.

I headed this off with the younger children in our extended family when we adopted our son. It was an agency adoption, not foster adoption, but the way we handled it may help you as well. We got the younger children together, with the adults closeby and listening, and told them Matthew's adoption story. We told them that he was now a part of our family just as much as they were. Since he has birth defects, we explained what effect these would have on his life, and how other children may make fun of him when he gets older. We answered all the questions they had about him, his birthmother, and why he was placed for adoption.

The response was wonderful. They vowed right then to protect him from anyone that dared to make fun of him. This was now their cousin and no one can come between them. It also let the adults know how we expected them to treat our child without us confronting them. I hope you are able to get the message to your family that this child is a permanent member of the family and will be here for years to come.

Peggy

[Judilyn]

We too have had our share of relatives playing favorites between our bio children and our achild. My mother in law was the biggest problem here for a while. She would send birthday gifts, Valentines Day cards etc to our bio child but not our adaughter. I finally had to put my foot down and say enough is enough before she became old enough to realize what was going on. My oldest children who are 16 & 13 actually caught on to this and asked "why doesn't Grandma send gifts to Erin (our youngest)?

My husband and I finally told her and other family members that if they couldn't do it for all 3 then they were not going to do it for any of them!

Being adopted from the foster care system and suffering from neglect and then losing her bmom, then her first foster mom that she had for 1 year and then losing all of her siblings, we felt that she has experienced way to much loss. She had been through enough and we did not want to add any more reasons for her to feel any rejection.

God Bless
Judilyn

Now she is well accepted and loved by my husbands in laws.She is the kind of kid that lights up the room with her bubbling personality when she walks in. I think that their bonding with her was slow to come because we had fostered other children previously and they thought that she would leave also so it was better for them not to get attached.

[Bonnie S.]

We don't have the issue of others treating the bio kids and our adopted son differently, but I did have some issues with my brother. When our son was first born 3 weeks premature, he had some problems. My brother made the comment of "you can still change your mind." Then six months later when birthmom and her family tried to get him back, my brother again said "Is it really worth the fight."

We eventually talked it out calmly. I told him that I would not put up with that and if he didn't accept our son, then we have some real issues. He apologized and has never said anything again.

Other than him, we have nothing but support from family and friends.