[kate evans]

I am a single woman in the process of adopting an 18-month old. She has been living with me since Nov. 02. She and I have bonded well. In her eyes, I am definitely "mommy". My problem is that while I enjoy taking care of her and having her living with me, I don't have strong loving feelings about her. When I am not with her, I rarely think about her. It isn't as though I don't want her around; I just don't feel like a mom. Is this normal? Opinions please!

[SomeBunniesMom]

That's a really tough thing to respond to. I would have to ask, are you sure you do not have loving feelings? Have you ever had loving feelings toward anyone or anything? Is it possible that you just don't recognize what you are feeling?

Is there any chance that the adoption won't be successful and you are holding back in order to protect yourself from the pain of losing her?

What do you expect "feeling like a mom" should be like?

I suspect you have feelings that you are just not in touch with. Tell us more about the little girl and about yourself. How did she come to be with you?

[dpen]

Other questions I have.

How and why did you get her? Are you ready to parent, are you having fears?

I think, due to the fact you are asking here you must be questioning the adoption...or your ability to parent. They are good questions to ask...for yourself and for the sake of the child. I would't venture to guess whether its normal or not but I do think maybe some counseling might help.

Achild needs lots of love and patience. What prevents most parents from jumping out windows(just kidding) is the love that wants whats best for our children, quite often when kids are being normal kids but maybe a little fresh or maybe alot fresh....its the parents love that keeps us from giving them back!!! And I am talking about my own children!!

Please think about how your feelings may effect your childs life...forever.

[lucyjoy]

While I would not consider this abnormal, it is serious and needs to be addressed within yourself or with a therapist. Most the parents I deal with who adopt and later disrupt describe the situation with their children just as you do. In the beginning it was just a lack of feeling later becoming resentment. I think if a lot of these parents would have voiced their feeling the way that you are, the relationships with their children would have gotten better(or they may have decided not to adopt).

I would advise contacting a counseler familiar with adoption that will be able to help you look at your feelings without passing judgement on you.

When a parent gives birth to a child they've been waiting for, there's an instant love. This is where some adoptive parents get in trouble. Taking a child requires getting to know them and building a relationship before you feel loving feelings. When you first met your best friend, did you instantly love them on sight? NO, you had to get to know them and the love develops over time. The same can hold true for an adoption relationship. It's easy to be in love with the idea of being a parent, really enjoy a child and the time you spend with them, but deaper feelings take time.

[Sharon]

I'm not questioning your ability to parent, please don't think that. I'm sure you are perfectly capable of parenting. But my question is, do you really have the desire to do so? Everyone, all children, deserve at least one loving parent, one adult in their life who is totally committed and devoted to them. If this is not the way you feel toward this child, I agree with the other posters... I think you should get some counseling and try to resolve these issues. If it turns out that you are not able to develop a strong emotional attachment to this child, I implore you to consider letting her go while she's still young enough to bond with someone else. I wish you the best of luck and commend you for being honest about your feelings. Hopefully it can be resolved... sometimes emotional attachments take time. ~Sharon

[kate evans]

Thanks for all the replies. Here is the story. This little girl is the 3rd child of a woman who has given all 3 up for adoption. Her mother used to be my roommate. The whole family is dysfunctional. There is incest for 3 generations on the birthmom's side. I know next to nothing about the BF. I was researching foreign adoptions before I knew this child was available. I think that I am ready to parent; but I have issues of my own. I have been in counseling for years b/c of a h/o sex abuse. I am not a feeling type person. I guess too many years of shutting down. I don't feel deep emotions. I think I love this little girl because I am able to be loving to her in daily life. Her life with her birthmom was pretty barren emotionally. She was 13 mos. old when I got her. She showed no preference for her birthmom. There was little eye contact between them. The birthmom was giving her up so she could get on with her life. Kayla now is like a different child. Lots of eye contact, lots of physical affection, a definite preference for me. I have had the birthmom living with me for the past 5 months (long story) and Kayla prefers me over her birthmom. This not feeling thing is really nothing new with me. Therapy has brought me a long way in this area. I do not feel indifferent or resentful towards her. It amazes me sometimes how much patience I have with her. I want so much not to hurt this child. She has had enough already. I guess what I am asking is when do you feel like a mother? Is it something you grow into?

[jp33]

Just wondering....

Are you adopting this child because you want to be her mother, or is there some other reason you feel you need to adopt her?

I'm wondering is this a private or agency adoption, and if your social worker has discussed your past problems with you?

I'm certainly no expert, just an old mom...but it sounds to me like
you're not ready to adopt a child, until you have further stablization and have worked out your own issues...I dont at all mean that rudely.

Having a "preference" for someone doesnt mean love. I think this child deserves 24 hour 365 days a year 100% love and devotion for the rest of her life. Unconditional love.

There are so many people who want a child with all their hearts.

I'd think hard and heavy before I adopted this baby. Is she with you legally, or just living with you and her birthmom, and you decided you wanted to adopt her?

Just wondering.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by kate evans
. I want so much not to hurt this child. She has had enough already. I guess what I am asking is when do you feel like a mother? Is it something you grow into? [/b]

The bonding process can vary so much. I've known bio-moms who never bonded during prenancy and even after the baby was born, it took time to bond and feel love. On the other side of the coin, I've seen A-moms who bond and feel love for the baby before the baby is ever born.
I wonder if part of the reason you may not feel like a Mother is because the Birthmother is living with you? I think that could take away from you feeling like Kayla's Mom. In addition, I wonder if you may have some walls up to protect yourself emotionally?
In looking at your emotions toward Kayla, how would you feel if she was gone tomorrow? Would you feel sad or relieved? How would you feel if you never got to see her again?
Now, I know the following question may seem melodramatic, but how you answer it, may help answer your own question. If you were in a life threatening situation, would you be willing to give your life to save hers?
JJ

[SomeBunniesMom]

Kate,
I think I am getting a sense of where you are coming from. I think for me "feeling like a mother" did take some time. I felt love for my babies before they were placed in my arms. I had photos of them and I was bonding with the image of them, and the love was there, but a sense of being a mother wasn't immediate, especially when i get down to the business of settling in at home and really taking on their care. I felt more like a baby sitter, and the attitudes of the people around me didn't help either. In my immediate family adoption is not the normal way to build a family and it took other people a while to see me as a mother, and therefore it also took me a while to really feel like one.

Do you get many opportunities to take Kayla places where there are other children and mothers? One of the things that helped me with mother feelings was being around people who recognized me as a mother, talked to me about mothering and parenting issues, and just gave me a sense of being part of a "community" of other mothers.

For a long time, it didn't feel like I really fit in with other mothers. They would all gather around and trade birthing stories of which i had nothing to contribute. They would talk about the first few weeks in the lives of their newborns, and my own children were several months old whenI met them. My family didn't give me a baby shower, and there were many other "rites of passage" that were missing from my early motherhood experiences that are common for most mothers. I didn't feel like a "real"mother. Is this more like what you are experiencing?

I am thinking JJ's point of your feelings being effected by having the birth mother around is a very good thing to consider. In any event, if you do feel committed to being this little girl's mother, and it sounds to me as though you do, you should definitly explore this with your therapist. And i also think that you should try to get involved in activities that will help you identify with other mothers. Where your problem is something that should not be ignored, I certainly do not think you are "abnormal".

[kate evans]

Robin, I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like I do all the work of mothering but because I didn't birth her, I'm not the "mother". Having her birthmom here with us has not helped any. We had a visit with the atty recently and birthmom was signing the termination of parental rights. When she got to the part where it stated that now she would not be the parent but I would, she made the statement that this wasn't true. In her eyes, she would always be Kayla's mother. I wanted to say but didn't -well what am I then, just the caretaker? birthmom is not emotionallly mature and I worry that someday she will get angry about something I do or say and decide not to go through with the adoption. She sees her children as possessions. Its OK if someone else takes care of them but they are "her" kids. Her oldest was adopted by birthmom's mother and the grandmother has told me birthmom has the same attitude with her. birthmom wants the name of mother but not the responsibility of it. Right now I don't push the issue with birthmom because the adoption is not final and I don't want to piss her off.

[Mary Schilling]

Here are some questions that I have:

How did this child come to you? How do you know that you love someone? If this child came to you through foster care I can understand your apprehension. As a working mom I forget about the kids during my busy day but I look forward to seeing them after work. Little things trigger my thoughts toward them such as a field trip, a test that day, or some other special activity.
If you are really concerned about your feelings toward this child I would consult a therapist that has experience with adoptive families.

[SomeBunniesMom]

Kate,
I'm totally onboard with you in not wanting to push birthmom's buttons and get her changing her mind or making bad decisions based on her immaturity. That must be hard to have to go around feeling like you need to defer to her just to keep things happy.

I do have good news, it seems you are not abnormal at all! I think what you are experiencing has a real name -- entitlement -- or in your case, lack of entitlement. It refers to the process of "claiming" the child as your own. I am thinking that you have not done a lot of that so far due to the circumstances, but I also believe that once things move along more you will find yourself feeling more of a sense of entitlement.

One of the very basic means of claiming done by parents is in naming the child. If you didn't help choose Kayla's name, when you adopt her you might consider picking a new middle name or a second middle name that you decide on yourself and this would help a lot in feeling she is more "yours".

Love and falling in love are very different things. You may have love for a child, but the falling in love sometimes comes more slowly. I know you mentioned you have emotional issues that may keep you from truly being able to identify your feelings, but as long as you do your best, and you try to put the child's needs and best interests first as often as possible, you will get there just fine.

It's still a good idea to talk this over with your therapist because it is an important issue and although we have given you some good advice, we are not professionals. But I think you are going to be fine. Enjoy being a mom, it's a great job!

[wanttobeparents]

Kate,

With the birthmom living with you and insisting that you will not be the parent, but not contributing to the care of the child herself, it's no wonder that you don't feel like a mother.

I adopted my son at 4 weeks of age. I felt an instant attachment the moment I first saw him, but I didn't feel like a mom. He quit breathing in my arms a week later and I had to do rescue breathing to resistate him, but I didn't feel like his mom. In and out of the hospital for the next few months, I felt like a caretaker, but still didn't really feel like his mom. I talked to one of his nurses in tears, telling her I didn't feel I had the medical training necessary to handle him, that perhaps I should have let another couple with more medical training adopt him. Her response was that I had done exactly what he needed, there was nothing wrong with my medical skills, he needed love and attention, not a nurse. When did I feel like his mom? When I didn't agree with the treatment the doctor wanted and I fought like a tiger to get him what I knew in my heart was correct.

When will you feel like a mom? When you can stop seeing yourself as the babysitter. It may be the day she comes to you for comfort for a tummy ache and throws up all over you. It may be the day she tells you that she loves you.

Her birthmother will always still be her mother, but you will be her mother too. Let the birthmother use whatever name she wants to use. Your daughter will call you mom. I promise you that there is room in that child's heart for both of you, no matter what title is used.

Peggy

[kate evans]

Thanks guys. You have helped me put things in perspective. I will sort out my feelings with my therapist and just keep on keeping on.

[den]

all people hoping to have what you have will tell to to give your kid up--i want you to stop and not try and be the good irl or the right one-- but look into your baby's eyes and you due what you feel best for your baby and you. lier- don't feel something, be honest- real honest now, money is always around- best for the baby---you do love, its from -you