[dream mom]

Hi, I am new here!! I was just hoping for advice from parents who have succesfully adopted after a fall through, how did you cope and how long did you wait for another match and how did you begin to trust again?? We were matched in february and in april we were present as a beautiful baby was born, we bonded with her for 4 days and at the eleventh hour after signing 5 out of 6 documents our birthmom backed out, don't get me wrong it is her right I agree, however she never once said I need time, I am not sure anything!1 all she said was here is your daughter, I am so happy your are mom and dad, I will not change my mind etc etc. I just wanted to know how you guys have trusted and gone on. thank you for listening

[ISW]

I'm so sorry...how devastating...

It was hard and she grieved..even though she moved on to adopt another child, she still grieves for this 'lost' child.

AFter taking a couple of weeks to regroup, she went back into the pool of Aparents. The failed adoption did impact her ability to get excited about other adoption situations and she was definitely more guarded emotionally. I would imagine that it would be very difficult to maintain an open heart and remain vulnerable after something like this. The best thing that could of happened was she got a call from a bfather one night to pick up a baby that was already born. Needless to say, she was very hesitant to go through with it citing all kinds of reasons, but in the end, she realized that every type of adoption carries with it an inherent amount of risk. She wanted a 'safe' situation, however, there are no 'safe' situations and waiting for a 'perfect' situation to appear would mean she would never adopt again. Faced with that reality (thanks to moi), she got in the car on Xmas Eve, drove 10 hours to pick up her son.

I hope that you find the strength to continue..trust that God has a plan for you.

ISW

[Pixie]

I am very sorry for your loss. I know how painful it can be.

We have had two losses since January. One birthmom we worked with for six months and after the baby was born she decided not to place. We started anew and were quickly matched again. The second match fell through quickly as the birthmom decided to parent. The first birthmom renewed contact and we discussed adoption again for another month or so...until she made the firm decision to parent.

My heart is just shredded, it is so hard to bond with someone for months and then it not work out.

We feel we have to jump right back in though....it can take a lot of time to be selected by a potential birthmom.

Just think carefully how much time you have to devote to trying to adopt and whether you are ready to live with uncertainty if you match again quickly. I have heard lots of success stories quickly following a disappointment.

Good luck to you.

[FamilyBound]

Dream Mom, I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to grieve, because this truly is a loss. I think when you are ready to 'get back on the horse', you will know. {{hugs}}

[Support2Adopt]

Dream, I am so sorry for you. The pain has got to be terrible. I know it will be hard to trust again. Take some time to grieve, then when you're ready, hop back on the adoption roller coaster because when the situation is the right one for you, you will realize your dream of Motherhood.
JJ

[faith_amom]

As with any type of grief, you get through it by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Unfortunately, adoptions come w/risks to your heart. But the alternative is to give up and never be a mother. For me, that wasn't an option. Adoption is definitely a test of endurance.

As somebody who has successfully adopted, I can tell you that the joy that you feel when you adopt your child far outweighs the worst pain that you experience in getting there. I think about the pain involved in infertility and the adoption process as very long labor pains.

Take the time you need to grieve, but always keep your eye on the prize. You will be mother, and once you are, you will know that every single step and every single tear was worth it.

Hang in there!!

- Faith

[dream mom]

Thank you all so much for replying to my post!!!! I appreciate your heartfelt and real words so much. We (me and DH) are not giving up by any means we are just going to have to realize and deal with the fact that there are risks, but you are right I would rather be hurt again than never be a mother at all. In fact today I gave our new re-written dear birthparent letter to our attorney and We feel that it is even better than our first letter that we were matched from before. So we are now ready to try again but with eyes wide open I guess. I think I took it so hard because I am a preschool teacher and have devoted my life to nurturing children so the infetility, miscarriage adoption thing feels like our family will take a million years to build. but I thank god everyday for my DH and the fact that nect month we'll celebrate 5years of marriage and 8 of commitment so, I must learn to count my blessings and trust that god , has a plan and that right child for us. Thank you all so much

[faith_amom]

Remember Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God will bring you the baby that is right for you in His good timing.

- Faith

[Brenda Wallace]

Dream Mom,

I've been there..TWICE! It is hard, very very very hard. I cried more tears than I knew anyone could cry. I congratulate you on jumping right back in there. I couldn't. There was too much anger. My situation was a little different:

Our first child came to us as a foster child (a s-abused infant). We fell in love immediately and desperately wanted to adopt. We were told that the chances of her going back home were virtually none. Unfortunately, two months later a judge sent her home. What hurt the most was that we found out that the bmom didn't want her anyway and signed over custody to someone else.

The second was a 6-month old who was lovingly placed for adoption. After four days of her living with us, bmom changed her mind. The day we had to give her back, we found out that bmom was going straight from the caseworker's office to the lawyer's office to sign over custody to a grandparent. Even though I know that she is loved and being taken care of, it still was another knife in the heart.

After two months of crying, seclusion and frustation, my dh and I made the decision not to pursue adoption. The next day the phone rang. It was our caseworker congratulating us on a baby girl - 7 days old and no waiting period. The adoption of our daughter was finalized two days after Mother's Day last year. I do have to admit though that it took me a long while to bond with her completely. I loved her immediately, but there was a piece of my heart that I just couldn't let go of, for fear of it getting hurt again. I think when our lawyer called to tell us that it was finalized was when I completely let go.

So believe me, there is hope and it WILL happen - when you least expect it!

[emiliesfirstmom]

DreamMom,

I am sorry to hear that you are grieving a failed placement. You mentioned that the potential birthmother didn't give you any insight that she was changing her mind until it happened. I wanted to just add my two cents here, as I placed my daughter in an open adoption last summer.

It was very difficult for me as a birthmom to talk to the adoptive parents about my feelings. Sure, we'd talked about the important stuff like parenting philosophy, etc, but it was really difficult for me to just come out and say "my heart is being ripped out because I'm giving you my child." How do you say something like that to someone who is so happy about becoming a parent?? I felt like doing that would wrongly take away their joy at finally becoming parents. It may be that this woman had doubts and wanted to say something to you before but didn't know how to do it.

I know that doesn't do anything to change your situation, but please know that she may have agonized over her situation and just didn't know how to handle it.

My only advice to you would be to reiterate most of what the other posts have said: all parenting, whether by adoption or pregnancy, has some risk involved. It's much easier emotionally to stay guarded and not get too attached, but you also risk denying yourself some of the joy of being matched and getting to know your future child's birthmother. Only you can decide how emotionally open you're willing to be with future matches, and I wish you the best with that.

I hope everything works out for you.

Emma

[Sidswife]

Hello Dream Mom! You responded to my post a couple of days ago. We are from the same agency. I just wanted to let you know that we have jumped right back on the horse even though our match just fell through last week.
I think each situation is different. Each couple is different. Whatever you have to do to make you and your dh feel better is what is right for your situation. For us it was to immediately start the search again. In fact, just last night we recieved an e-mail about a possible situation in Indiana that sounds promising. Even if this does not work out, it gives us hope that our baby is out there somewhere.
Just remember, you two were matched really quickly for the program that you are in!! That must mean something! Your baby will be with you soon, and it will all make sense.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. PM me if you want my e-mail or number so we can talk.
Mindi

[dream mom]

Thank you all for your advice and for sharing your stories as a parents and as first mom's. I appreciate the honesty and insight, the whole adoption process is a delicate situation for all parties involved I truly now realize more than ever. But I have faith that the right situation will come along and we will be parents. It is encouraging to hear form aparents who have had success and from first parents who are willing to offer insight. thank you all and god bless