[Judilyn]

For those of you who have read my post you know my story and about how I have been trying to establish contact with my
adaughters bmom. I've sent 3 letters with pictures, etc but never got a reply. Well yesterday I heard from the social worker where bmom is living. My daughter's bmom is very scik. She just had her 3rd stroke (She is only 45). She now lives in a nursing home and is on a feeding tube but she was thrilled to get my letter's and pictures. The reason it took so long is because she was in intensive care for a long time and was in a coma for a week. The case owrker said that she has good and bad days, days when she is responsive and days when she is not.

I always thought that I would wait until my daughter was MUCH older to set up a reunion. My husband and I prayed about this and considering the fact that mom is so sick we want to establish a reunion soon. We feel that it is important that our adaughter has closure in her life if bmom should pass away. It is also important that bmom has closure in hers. You know, none of us knows when our time will come but 3 strokes by the age of 45 does not give you a good outlook. We also want to establish reunion while bmom is still able to communicate with her so that our adaughter has good memories of her bmom.

So now I have someone working with me to help set this up with bmom but how do we prepare our adaughter for this? I've worked in nursing homes in the past so I know how to prepare her for what she'll see there. But how do I prepare her for seeing her bmom (who is not doing so well) for the first time? Our adaughter is only 8.

How do I prepare myself for the first contact? I mean, what do you say to the woman who gave life to your child?

[melianncrav]

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I think you and your husband are wonderful people to want a reunion before it's to late. Unfortunatly I have no advice on how to prepare your daughter. I would guess honestly would be best. Good luck!!

[stacyone]

Have you tried books? Or thought about seeing a therapist a few times before, then maybe after? What about a clergy member, or any adult adoptees you may know?

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[Resseda]

I would suggest being as open and honest and direct as possible. Just tell your daughter that you tried to send pictures and letters to her birthmom, and you have since found out she is very, very sick. You know that when your daughter gets older, she may want to look for her birth family, but that might not be possible, so you would like to let your daughter meet her birthmom. You might try to explain that this could be the only chance she will have to meet her, so maybe she could put together pictures/drawings she might want for her bmom, and I would reccommend, a list of questions for the bmom, like what she likes, what she doesn't like, what her favorite things are...things your daughter will never find an answer to anywhere else.

Take any futher steps from your daughter's reaction. If she is OK, maybe just a few mom-daughter talks will help her. If she is having issues with it, maybe she will need mroe formal counselling. You're in my thoughts.

Ress

[sweetnoodle]

Judilyn,

You are very wise to set up this reunion quickly. One of our friends died quite unexpectedly and shockingly of a stroke or heart attack a week and a half ago. She was 41.

Don't worry so much about what you will say to the birthmom. Your efforts and prescence speak louder than any words. You will be giving her and your child and invaluable, important gift.

I do have a suggestion for preparing your daughter. Just tell her the truth as best as she can understand. Lots of little children have had to go through the pain of losing a loved one or seeing loved one ill. Some, without any preparation. It's better, in my opinion, to be up front about the relationship, why it's important at this time for her to meet her birthmom, and explain that life is fragile. You may want to begin looking for counseling resources, either books or counselors' advice on issues that may come up, but you will just have to take your child's questions one by one. Hopefully, the birthmom will get better. In fact, seeing her child may help her physically and emotionally.

I am an adoptee, and I want to thank you for concentrating on what's best for your child. You're a good mommy.

Sincerely,

[mamatokay]

As an amom who recently went through the reunion of my then 11 year old daughter with her bmom, I can honestly say that achildren start asking questions even at an early age. We have gone through almost 6 months of therapy and got my daughters life back on track, I won't go into all of the things told to her but she is a very well adjusted young 12 year old now. My advice would be to tell your daughter that her bmom is extremely sick, watch her reactions and follow from there. I would also suggest that you help her write out a list of questions for her to ask, as well as you have your list of questions. I would even suggest that you meet the bmom first to see exactly what situation you will be bringing your daughter into. I would also find out ahead of time if it would be alright to video tape the meeting. That way your daughter will always have that tape later in life to look back on. At 8 years old, memories do tend to fade, and if her bmom does not live for much longer, than your daughter will only have the brief meeting. This way, with a video tape, and pictures, you can put them up and when she goes through the questioning process again when she hits her teens, you will have the much cherished video to give to her. Of course I would get this approved from the bmom and tell her that you are willing to make her a copy also. I would bet she would be all for that, and also, your daughter will have all her answers on the tape for her future.

I hope all goes well with the meeting, please post back and let us know how it goes.

~Carol~

[withopenarms]

I would just like to say . I think it is so great what you are doing . You help give all adoptive parents good names. This will mean so much for her birthmother and will help her rest better I'm sure. I think making a list to have is a awesome Idea and something to scrap book later. Also checking on the situation to see how good or bad it might be. Maybe visit a local nursing home to give her a feel of what she might see. Good luck to you Your a GREAT MOM

[Sharon]

Judilyn, I think it's so wonderful that you've decided to do this. I don't really have any idea how you can prepare your daughter for the meeting. I'm sure that no matter what you do or say beforehand, meeting someone who is critically ill is bound to be shocking and maybe disturbing to the child. However, time is of the essense in this situation, and there are times in life when the usual rules have to be bent just a little. When your daughter is an adult, her birthmother may not be around anymore. And I'm sure that in retrospect she will look back and be grateful that she got a chance to meet her while there was still time. Again, I have the utmost respect for you, and I whole-heartedly support your decision. I'm sure it is the right one. Good luck to you all. Sincerely, Sharon

[lambeausam]

Your daughter is quite young and may not understand the magnitude of this undertaking. However, one day as an adult she will look back and remember two women in the same room that loved her equally - one woman who entrusted her daughter's care to another and one woman who lovingly accepted that responsibility. I think that once you get back the first hestitant moments, the visit(s) will be very fulfilling for all of you.

[Judilyn]

Thank you to everyone who has sincerely responded to my question. PLease see the new thread I started
"Now what do I do?"