[Lisa&Jeff]

I can't wait to adopt a baby and have a family. My husband is very nervous about the process. Are there any fathers out there who were hesitant about adopting, but are now loving every second of fatherhood? My husband desperately needs to chat!!

[schroeder]

Hi Lisa,

My husband is now talking about it to others. When we first made the decision he did not want to talk about it at all. I would love to start a friendship with someone and go through the process with them- I can not say if he will talk. I know when my sister dropped off some baby stuff this weekend he started to see the bigger pitcure and I think that helped.

Anna

[jjdad]

Hi Lisa and Jeff. My name's Andy, I am an adotpive father of two boys, 3 and 5 years old now. Although we got them at seperate times, they are biological brothers. Jeremy (the 5 year old) came to us at 19 months, and we took Justin home from the hospital at 3 days old. Both are finalized now, and we currently are trying to adopt another sibling. I would be happy to share both the positive and negative experiences we encountered during the adoption process and with the "system" in general. Having these two little boys enter my heart and becoming their daddy is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. If you'd like to talk, please e-mail me at arkjj022002@yahoo.com

[salbers]

Lisa....
My wife and I adopted back in 1986.Now we are both in
our 50's and adopted our grandson. I would be more
then happy to exchange feelings about the process with
your husband......

[faith_amom]

Jill Smolowe wrote a book called "An Empty Lap" that is a "must read" for anyone adopting, particularly for couples who are not walking completely in step w/each other during the adoption process. You and your husband could not possibly be farther apart in their opinions on adoption that the author and her husband were. The couple went on to adopt a daughter from China, and they are a very happy family today.

Here is an article that Ms. Smolowe wrote entitled "The Reluctant Spouse" from http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/arti...ndex.php?art=2

*******

The Reluctant Spouse
by Jill Smolowe
Don’t be surprised if your mate resists adoption
even as you’re embracing it.

It had been a long haul to convince my husband to start a family. When biology failed us, he felt the subject of children was closed. By then past 50, Joe was not interested in raising a child whom he inelegantly described as "someone else’s kid." That was before we went to China in January 1995 and held an adorable, alert seven-month-old girl, who cast her spell over Joe in about five minutes flat. By the time we got home two weeks later, Joe was undeniably, smittenly, inalterably Becky’s father.

Now that there’s a happy ending, Joe and I can laugh about some of our more heated debates, and share our experiences with other couples who are thinking about or pursuing adoption. But when we were in the midst of the decision-making process, I thought Joe and I were a seriously defective marital unit.

At the time, nobody I knew had a spouse so reluctant about children in general, and adoption in particular. Why couldn’t we get it together? It should not be this hard, I told myself, even as I persevered. What is wrong with us? Everybody else manages to have kids without all this sturm und drang.

Or so I thought, until I published an account that spoke candidly of the stresses that the long journey to parenthood had put on our marriage. Suddenly, total strangers opened up to us. And, lo! I discovered that Joe and I were not unique. Perhaps not even unusual. Many, many couples, we learned, had been—or currently are—deeply divided over the issue of adoption.

By that, I don’t mean the sort of frustrations that draw appreciative laughs from an adoption audience. (Say, she’s got her birth certificate in hand for the home study, while he hasn’t sent away for his yet.) Rather, I mean bone marrow—deep differences that, as happened in my case, can put a marriage on the line. I mean differences so fundamental that some marriages bust up as a result.

Sadly, such couples often struggle in isolation, when some empathy and support, particularly from other adoptive couples who have worked through their differences, might ease the strain. "Often, fear of the unknown stands in the way," says Jan Garten, a Manhattan marriage therapist who counsels many couples divided about adoption. "It’s good to talk to people who have gone through the process."

The toughest decision, of course, is the first: Will we adopt, or won’t we? Marriage counselors, adoption specialists, and social workers agree that when a couple is not in lockstep, it’s usually the wife who wants to proceed, and the husband who doesn’t. (Anecdotal evidence suggests that reluctant men are often ambivalent about adoption, but resistant women tend to be inflexible.)

Some adoption experts maintain that it’s wrong to press ahead with an adoption before a reluctant spouse is fully on board. They argue that before launching a search, a couple needs not only to confront, but sort out and resolve all uncertainties, ambivalences, and concerns about adoption.

For many couples, though, you might as well ask them to foresee and figure out the rest of their lives. Why? Consider the range of concerns that fuel reluctance:

* Age. (Am I too old to be a parent? Will I have enough energy? Enough patience? Enough love?)

* Money. (How can I save for a college education when I need to save for retirement? Will an adoption eat up all my savings? Will we ever get to take a vacation again?)

* Time. (Will a child be too disruptive? Will I have to curb my work hours? Do I want to?)

* Family. (Will my parents reject an adopted child? Will my children from a prior marriage resent me for starting a new family? Will I make the same parenting mistakes again?)

* The unknown. (Who will the child be? What genetic surprises might be in store? Will I be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological one?)

Such questions are important, legitimate—and often unanswerable until a couple is actually living the changes a child brings. They reflect the reluctant spouse’s focus on what may be lost: financial security, spousal attention, uninterrupted work time, a biological connection. Until the spouse experiences the benefits that come with parenting, there is essentially nothing to mitigate those fears.

Even after a spouse agrees—reluctantly—to move forward, there may be backsliding. This is understandable when you contrast a pregnancy with the adoption process. Typically, a pregnancy is a fait accompli that gives a reluctant spouse nine months to ease into the idea of parenthood. Greeted with joy and excitement by friends and relatives, a pregnancy tends to inspire questions like: Do you know if it’s a boy or girl? Have you picked a name? How much time do you plan to take off from work?

Now, consider the kinds of issues that couples are forced to confront during the adoption process. What age child do you want? What sex? What health condition? What ethnicity? What race? How much contact do you want with birthparents? How do you plan to raise this child? How will you speak of adoption to him? What role will the child’s ethnic heritage play in her life? How will you cope with an emotional or physical disability? What will you do if your relatives don’t embrace this child? And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the procedural aspects. Lawyer or agency? Public or private? Open or closed? Domestic or overseas?

Such questions not only thrust the issue of "baby" at a reluctant spouse over and over, but demand repeatedly that he opt in—or out. In essence, the process requires that he try to envision the child’s entire upbringing at a time when he might prefer not to think about children at all.

The upside is that this insistent probing gives adoptive couples a rigorous preparation for parenting that the biological route rarely affords. The downside is that every new question and issue risks reigniting or ratcheting up a reluctant spouse’s resistance. My own husband signed on and off to adoption so often that by the time we boarded the plane for China, neither one of us could have said for certain whether he would stick around after we returned home. He did.

In fact, the man who for years had insisted that he was too old, too busy, too uninterested in kids, is a wonderful, involved father who resents even the occasional business trip that keeps him from tucking Becky in at night. These days when a call comes in from a distressed couple, Joe gets on the phone with the reluctant spouse—sometimes, literally, for hours. He listens. He empathizes and commiserates. He reassures them that their fears and concerns are legitimate. Then, ever so subtly, he encourages them to take the plunge.

Jill Smolowe, an adoptive parent, is a journalist and the author of An Empty Lap (Pocket Books). She lives in New Jersey with her husband, Joe Treen, and with their daughter, Becky.

[kmalay]

Lisa

This is very normal. In fact we were just matched with siblings this week and dh is a little nervous. My caseworker reminded me once again that this is common because most of the time it is the women who are doing most of the work during the process. He will catch up don't worry.

[HappyMom29]

I feel more "normal" now---I didn't realize that apparantly the "moms to be" take a more active role in the adoption process.

DH wants another child as much as I do---..but I'm the one in the foreground...perhaps men feel that the women have more a "connection" to the process, the birthmoms etc..

Now that we have been matched and are awaiting birth of baby boy in mid-August...I think the process seems more "real" to him--for both of us really.

Think of it like this....in pregnancy--let's face it, the women do 99% of the work. So why should bringing a child into the world thru the miracle of adoption be any different.

[kmalay]

That is so very true and lets face it besided the initial announcement, men act like the pg is nothing. It usually doesn't really sink in until the children are home and then the guys are like little kids too but there is definitely pride and love shown. Basically it is the same way with adoption.

[TillyT]

Hi there -- just wanted to chime in that in our adoption, my husband's comfort level definitely lagged behind mine. He was probably about 6 months behind me in terms of accepting the idea. We are now proud parents of a preschooler, so don't give up!

One thing that really helped us was going to a adoption event locally that had speakers, workshops, and lots of information. I think once it became less unfamiliar, it became less scary, too.

Best of luck!

[kmalay]

Here's a little more hope. My dh was in shock when I called to tell him we had been chosen for the two boys. He really wasn't ready to discuss it so I just let him chill for the week(knowing the whole thing was going to take a while). This past weekend we went to tell his parents. When I got out of the car the neighbor who is a friend of mine stopped me to talk so dh went in by himself. About 10 minutes later I went in to find that my Mother inlaw was away. So I figured I wouldn't say anything until she came home. So a few days later I was talking to my Sister inlaw and she asked me about it. She told me that Dad had told them, but he was confused on the details. When I asked my dh if he told his dad he said oh yeah. So it is obvious he is excited about it. Guys just handle and show things differently.

Hugs

Kim

[saucey95]

I'm responding to an old post but thought, hopefully, someone out there is going through this and we are not unique. Last night after my husband and I got home from work, he was stretched out on the couch and I was sitting in the recliner next to the couch. We were watching the end of Oprah as we 'unwound' from our day and chatted about work. I mentioned an article I had read about adoption to him. He looked up at me and said 'Are you sure you want to do this?' I said do what? He said 'This...the whole adoption thing...are you sure?' I just stared at him for a minute and then said of course, why aren't you?
He said no.
My heart fell. I told him that I thought he was willing to do this. That he seemed ready for it after we completed our classes. I thought he was with me on adoption. He said that he did want kids but if they weren't from me and him then he didn't want them. He wanted kids from the two of us.
I'm devastated. You see, I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovaries which prevents me from ovulating properly. Fertility drugs work the opposite on me and actually cause increased cysts due to the hyperovulation. I told him of course I'm sure I want children. We've been trying for 7 1/2 years. I've gone through surgeries, treatments, drugs, month after month of disappointment and tears and anger and, well you get the picture. I've run the emotional gammit. He just looked at me and said I just want them from the two of us.
I just stopped talking. What can I say? I cannot give him what he wants. Darn it, I'm typing at work and I'm starting to cry...
deep breath okay, I'm alright. We are going through the foster/adopt program with our local CPS office. We are waiting for final approval and our certificate to be issued. Our caseworker has already called us about children they have waiting whose parental rights have been terminated and are ready for adoption.
I don't know what to do.
My sister told me that my DH had talked to her last week and told her that now everything was going to change. Now he would have to think of the kids...there goes wanting to buy stuff for himself like a new DVD player etc. So is this just fear of the unknown? Fear of the change of lifestyle? Resentment at no longer being the center of my attention? It's been just the two of us for a looonnnggg time. We got married after dating for 6 1/2 years and our 8 year wedding anniversary is coming up. He always talked about having children and I can't help but wonder if maybe he is pulling this because our entire lives are going to change. No more sleeping late or just lounging around whenever we feel like it. No more just getting up and going.
What's crazy is that about two weeks ago there was an episode with our neighbor's little girl where she was left at home with her older brothers (teenagers) and they locked her in her room and took off with their girlfriends. This little bitty girl (age 8) climbed out her window and using flashlight walked over to our door (she'd didn't even know us) and knocked at 11:30pm! We let her in (we are up late on weekends) and sat with her while trying to reach her mom on her cell. An hour later (as we were watching the Grinch and munching on popcorn) her brothers showed up looking for her and she had to go home. The next day, we went to see my in-laws and my DH told them about what had happened and said, we were ready to give her a room and keep her! We started laughing. I was suprised though because he hadn't said anything to me before then...
I hope I'm making sense??? Is anyone else going through this or have gone through this? PLEASE write and tell me about your experience. I don't want to call our caseworker or do anything to upset the process until I feel for certain that he has truly changed his mind.
And on that point? What about me? Am I just supposed to agree and then go through life without children? I'm heartbroken, discouraged, and just....sad.

[angelical]

My husband goes through emotional swings constantly. I have started talking/listening to him when he talks, but not doing anything rash, because by the next day he is ON again for the adoption.

Not to say that your husband feels the same way, but just my experience.

I just read in an adoption book that adoptive parents (and I assume those going through fertility treatments) have to keep making the decision to have kids over and over again. That is much different that people who can easily get pregnant... they might "decide" a couple times, and *bam* that's it. For adoptive parents, though, we have to continue making the decision to go through all of the steps of the process, through getting and keeping a child.

And I think that is very difficult for our husbands. .... let me stereotype for a second .... It seems that we have more of a sense of what we want to eventually have in our lives...this picture of the perfect family (maybe all those years of playing house as kids). Whereas the men are expected to sweep in, make the baby, and then - - more or less - - take it easy. The propect of all of the work involved in adopting and raising an adoptive child doesn't mesh with their idea of life.

I know my husband has had to struggle through this... Our bio son was born 3 months prematurely (I had preeclampsia & he had to be delivered early). So, last summer, we brought a 4 lb baby home from the hospital (after 6 weeks in neonatal ICU). Aaron couldn't leave the house, except for doc appts, for months. So my dear husband changed jobs so that we can split childcare duty between us.

That means that my husband, rather than getting me pregnant and more-or-less watching it all happen around him, had to: help me during severe morning sickness; watch me almost die; see a 2lbs infant that he is supposed to love and care for; set up a whole new schedule, job, and childcare duties; and now plan an adoption?

No wonder he is Chicken sometimes!

But I know that, deep down, he loves our son and can't wait to get our adoptive child(ren). But there are times that he has to say , "Hey, wait, this isnt how life is supposed to be!!!" And we have to figure out how to manage that, without going crazy ourselves!!

Good luck to you. I hope that you are led in the direction that you should go, and that your husband understands how to manage his fears against what he wants his life to be.

Sharel

[cathy102]

I do know what you are doing though. We tried to have a baby from day one of being married. We had tried for 3 years. We tired 9 months with my Gyno..After that we decided to see a Specialist. I went through drugs, surgery and 2 IVF's..During the last IVF, I was talking about adoption if this one didn't turn out. My hubby wouldn't talk about adoption until we knew we were not pregnant. I knew that last one would not make me pregnant. I just knew a few days before I was due to start my cycle. I told him that I was having crambs and I knew we wouldn't be pregnant. He told me I didn't know that I wasn't pregnant..WRONG!! I guess he just wanted to know that we would be parents..

Well, after the call from the DR's office to tell us we were not pregnant. We both started to cry badly. All we wanted to do was conceive our own baby. Well, that wasn't going to happen. I told him after we heard the bad news that I wanted to talk about adoption. Well, he was ready to talk. We decided to go see an Adoption Attorney to see if he could help. He told us that he only did the Legal stuff with adoption and that we would have to find our own expectant mother. I was shocked and overwhelmed. That news was even worse than not being pregnant. He gave us agencies to call and that was it. When we left there, I just cried like I have never cried before. He knew how upset I was and said we would get a baby somehow through adoption.

After we found out a Agency that we really like, our wait was 9 1/2 months.. Those 9 1/2 months were stressful and depressing at times. When our daughter was born, things changed for the better for the both of us. My hubby loves our daughter with his whole heart. I wouldn't take this child over conceiving our own.

I do believe you should just give your hubby some time to think about it. I'm sure deep down in his heart, he would love to be a father. My hubby wanted to have our own, but that just wasn't a reality. We are happy now than we ever have been. Children do change your life but not in a bad way. I feel that our daughter has made us the most happiest people in the world. I couldn't even imagine going through life without her or any kids..

Your hubby will be in my prayers..Email me if you ever need to talk..

Hugs and take care,

Cathy