[HappyMom29]

We just found out we were chosen by bmom (and bfather too actually) who was given our profile recently. (private adoption). We are still trying to find out --but it appears that she may not want to meet us before baby is born. She has already indicated that she does NOT want contact with child after placement unless child or we want it ---(we don't, so all is OK).

Just thinking outloud here.... on one hand, she "likes" us on paper (i.e. our letter,photos...)....if we meet her--what if she decides she doesn't like us and changes her mind.. So perhaps better off not suggesting a meeting? (again, it seems like she didn't seem to care one way or the other). On the other hand, I am curious about who she is....

Am I being overly fearful? Any thoughts on what to do if she leaves it up to us about whether or not to meet?

[usocwazee]

Happymom29,

This for me is a very touchy subject and I am not quite sure if I have an answer but here it goes . We just had a terrible dissruption, and we had met the birthmom. We flew to visit her. We talked on the phone daily. She claimed she never lied to us and that was the biggest lie of them all. She smoked, she said she didn't, she said we were the only people she had selected, she had 4 others she was taking money from and promising them the same baby (she had a contract signed with our agency too), she said she had placed only 2 kids for adoption, but failed to tell us she had reneged on the youngest of her 3 children she is parenting. These are just a few of the problems we had, we had caught her in other lies which,just made us not trust her or even like her that much more. If she had told us these things before hand, it really wouldnt have made a difference, because she would have been honest about it. But she BOLDFACED LIED! If we hadn't met her, we probably would never have found these things out, (unfortunatly we didn't find all of these things out from her, we found them out from another attorney she was using hence the dissruption) and I wish I never had laid eyes on this woman ( and I use that term loosely). If we had continued on with this adoption, I would hate knowing some of the things I know about her because someday I would have to tell our child about her. We both wanted an open adoption, I now know I could never be open with this person, I would want to stay as far away from her as possible. Its just up to both parties involved how much openness and how much information you both are willing to provide. B/parents obviously had selected your profile and feel your "the ones". Maybe you could ask the agency to get a picture only if she/he is willing to provide it,that way you can put a face with your bparents. But if you and she are willing to essentially close the adoption, maybe they have some issues and I am not saying they do, but as the old saying goes what you don't know won't hurt you (except finding out medical issues)................. Or better yet leave well enough alone. but if they want closed and you want closed...... here comes another cliche, but don't open up that can of worms. Just my opinion.

BTW................WE have the same b-day Leo!

[3inCO]

Dear happy mom, congratulations on being matched. What an exciting and scary time for you! We have three children who are adopted. 7, 4 and 10 months. We met all birth Moms and two of the birth Dads. With our first, I had a lot of reservations about that initial meeting. I am so glad that we chose to meet the birth parents each time. It allowed them to feel more confident in their decision and it allowed us to ask questions and get pictures for our kids. I know that depending on the people involved, you may find out things you did not think you wanted to know. You may also find out some wonderful things to share with your child about their birthparents that you would never know from a form filled out. We found out both sorts of things, which will allow us to share all sorts of information with our kids. We do not have contact with the oldest's birth family, we have contact with our middle son's paternal grandparents, and we have regular contact with our daughter's birth Mom (all of this was by the birthparents choice.) All three birth Moms told us that while they felt we were the ones from our profile, that meeting us made them know that they had chosen well and that we were meant to be their babies family. We even met one birth grandfather at the hospital who was relieved to meet and talk with us. He said it eased his mind to have met us. All three experiences were very surreal and yet, they were powerfully emotional and I am so glad we met these women. Without them, I would not have my precious children to love and raise. And meeting them made us feel an even greater responsibility to do our best as parents because they were clearly placing a great deal of trust with us.

My opinion may be slanted because we have only had mostly positive experiences with our match meetings, I know some others who have not, and I can't say how I would feel if I had a failed placement because of a match meeting. I do think that if something is meant to be, it will happen, and I can tell each of my children that I talked with their birthmom and I have some of the answers to questions they will ask ,straight from the source. My kids have pictures of us with their birth parents and two of them with us all together. I think this will help them to understand that their adoptions were a cooperative action between their birthparents and us, that in some way, we all were working together.

Good Luck!

3inCO

[Sidswife]

We were matched in April and met the birthmom and her mom as well. She is due June 5th. It has been an up and down roller coaster ride, but I would not trade meeting her for anything. It made her and the pregnancy real in our minds and it helped her really grasp the idea that we could parent her baby. She told our social worker afterwards "I can not believe that you were able to find the perfect parents for my baby". That was such a relief to hear. She said that she knows now that this is the best choice for the baby. I know she would not have made the same decision if we would have not met with her. She could still change her mind, but I am much more confident in placement after the meeting.

[kimmy30]

Have you spoken to her on the phone?
My childs parents were in a dfferent state, they're attorney at the time did not recomend them flying out until after the baby was born. I so wished things couldhave been different I would have loved to have the with me in the labor room. But I wanted contact, we spoke ont he phone several times.

Everyone is different. I would start with a ohne call and see how she fels after that. If she is not interested I wouln't push it. It is tough decision for us to do. And, while I loved having their support, it did make it more painful as it can be eaiser to just avoid all talk about it.

Good luck on your adoption, I hope it works out for everyone.

[kjdaisey]

Congratulations!!!

Now, should you meet the birthmom? I think it is best to follow the birthmother's lead, no matter how hard it may be. You probably want to meet her to ease your mind and hers, and also to "bond" so you are able to speak well of her to your child in the future. As an adoptive mom, social worker and nurturer, I know how hard it is to step back. I also know it is best to respect the wishes of the birthparents as much as possible. You are special- she has chosen you to be her baby's Forever Mom. Unless we have walked in her shoes, we don't really know what she needs to survive this situation. She may change her mind and want to meet you at some point. Otherwise, the phone or email is a great way to interact. Be cautious. Pray often. Take care of yourself and your husband (you will have minimal time for that once the baby gets there )Just follow her lead...

[PamelaGifford]

Hi!!! Congrats!!!

I wanted to share my experience as a birthmother from 15 years ago when open adoption was just starting to get off the ground.

I knew I was going to give my daughter up for adoption. I did get some profiles - on paper - and chose a family that I thought would best take care of Cheryl. I did in fact meet with them. I was introduced by first name only, was told that they lived in Waukeshaw, WI near the Catholic School and a park. I chose them especially because we had that religion in common. I also know that they have a daughter of their own who was just entering college at the time of the adoption.

I personally felt more relief knowing the little bit that I had been able to find out. It has helped me to get through all of these years with out Cheryl - because I got to meet them and I knew from the moment that I was introduced that they were perfect for her.

I can't tell you if it is better to meet this birthmother or not. I can only tell you to follow your heart. Maybe asking for a picture or two would be a good idea. Then some day if your new baby wants to know more you can give some information.

I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you, your new baby and the birthparents.

Pam

[HappyMom29]

Wow---all your replies were really terrific. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. It's only been a few days since the match and already its been a roller coater. Why is it when you have to rely on attorneys --things seem to take forever.

Seems that bmom is Ok with meeting us if we are OK with it. Our attorney (who happens to know the bmom fairly well) and her atty feel it might make the situation more "real" for each of us. Bmom placed a child 5 yrs ago so she knows the process... and apparantly feels she can handle it a 2nd time. Her atty is talking to her this weekand whatever she decides is OK with us. (although we haven't a clue what we'll say --guess we'll just see what flows...)

On a more serious (ha) note.... (hey I still have my sense of humor!), Bdad isn't paying for their medical ins anymore and it doesn't look like bmom qualities for our state medicaid program. The open ended medical question is concerning. There are possibly ways to get her back on his insurance but it seems like her atty is taking sweet time in getting problem resolved. And they expect us to start plunking down retainers this week. We want this child more than anything - but no one should have such an open ended ticket to this goal.

Thanks for your input...perhaps tomorrow we'll get more answers and we'll feel a little better about situation.

[Resseda]

I just wanted to add as a birthmom...I too felt, "knew" I wanted no contact after placement. You could have knocked me over with a feather the day I realized it. Please don't discount the fact that in 6 or 8 or 12 months, that birthmom may want to know how her child is. I strongly reccomend setting up guidlines in that case (although I know you said you did not want contact). Even you may wake up one day and want to share news or pictures of your amazing child with the birthmom...you can't know the future.

Ress

PS...if nothing else, maintaining some minimal line of contact could make all the difference to your child in the future. Just because you chose not to maintain contact with the birthmother does nto mean your child will never look for her, and giving them even the most minor of hints and steps could make all the difference. Also, if a pattern of health problems develops in the future in the biological family...you would want to know. Please consider leaving an avenue open in that regard.

[stacyone]

I agree with Ress. M's birthparents initially said they wanted a letter and pictures once a year. That changed quickly after M was born. Now, 13 months later, I send e-mail pics at least once a month, regular pics & letters, we talk on the phone occasionally and have visited once. I even called H the day that M took her first step.

Not saying for sure that's what will happen, but I'd be prepared to be flexible.

[ISW]

The fact that your Bmom says she doesn't want contact after the baby is born, unless YOU want it, says to me that she is not clear about what SHE really wants. You state that you don't want contact with the BPs after the baby is born.

Is this a closed adoption? If a closed adoption is truly what you're wanting and the only option you are comfortable with (and I think that's what you're indicating you are seeking?) then you need to evaluate for yourselves, collectively, what is to be gained by meeting the bmom and vice versa? Is medical/family history available in a closed adoption?

Please, no harsh comments here as I am a big advocate of open adoption and I'm not questioning what the benefits of open adoption are..I just wanted to give HappyMom something to think about and my knowlege of closed adoptions is limited.

[Sidswife]

I know that after meeting the birthmom we were much more open to openness in the adoption plan. I think that if you have never dealt with all of the uncertainties of adoption, it is hard to know what you will want in a relationship with the birthfamily.

I know that many of us will not admit it as potential adoptive parents, but I thought of the birthmom as an means to my end. Now that I can put a face to her and can realize her emotions and pain, I have grown to love her as family. However, she is the one that has choosen that if she does place her child, SHE wants no further contact. Not even pictures or letters. Before meeting with her, I would have thought "great that just makes it easier for us" Now I am very disappointed that she feels this way. I know that she thinks that it will bring full closure for her.

Just as us, she will not know what she wants until after the placement. Possibly, she will not know for 6 months, a year or 10 years. We have made it clear that we will be open to her changing her mind about the degree of openness she wants. Although, right now we are only comfortable with letter and picture exchanges, who knows how we will feel in the future.

I think that each situation is different. I am not a full advocate one way or another. The important thing is that there is clear communication coming from both sides and all parties agree on what they think would be the ideal situation.

[jadynsmom]

Congratulations on your match!

I think meeting her in person beforehand goes a long way to making you "real" in her mind rather than a couple on a piece of paper. When we met J's bmom, she said it just confirmed for her that she had chosen the best parents for her child.

I agree with the other responses here. Keep an open mind as to what level of contact you may or may not want. You never know who's mind will change after the fact. You may just be surprised to find out it's you! We are in that boat now and even though we originally only thought we would go as far as letters and pictures, we are now completely open to face to face meetings if the bmom wants it.

Good luck!