[Sidswife]

have a question for you all. I have some insensitive realitives that I am ready to explode on. Yesterday, at a Mother's Day gathering, my husband's Grandmother made the comment that if our adopted baby is ugly they do not want it!!!!!! She said that if it is not as cute as our biological son is we should give "it" back!!! I was outraged but said little because there were a lot of out of town guests. Normally, we get along so well. I do not want to end the relationship over this pettiness. However, I have made it clear that if anyone treats our adopted child any different for our biological one, our family will have nothing to do with them. I know that she was joking, but that is not funny at all!!!!!
Also, I am sooooo sick of the comment, "now that you are adopting, you are sure to get pregnat again!!" HELLO!!! ! I do not want to get pregnat again!!! UUUUGGGGHHHH I am just disgusted with ignorant people. How have some of you dealt with these stupid comments?

[shirleyville]

Sometimes older people can be so insensitive!!!! They think age gives them license to say just about anything with no reprecussions!
I think I would have had a hard time not saying, "I can understand how you feel.....we spent countless hours before our son was born worrying that he might look like YOU...."
I'm sorry...it just gets under my skin sometimes.
There are many times when people make random comments about adoption without thinking. A lot of it has to do with not really THINKING and not being educated about adoption. They really don't MEAN to offend. Unfortunately, I've had to do a lot of educating as an adoptee.....we just have to do it, if we ever want things to change!
Hang in there!
Hugs,
Sally

[wanttobeparents]

When grandma says that you need to give back an ugly baby, just ask her if it is too late to send her back?

As far as the "now that you're adopting, you'll get pregnant" comments, I tried to explain that that wasn't possible without medical intervention. I tried to explain that the same percentage of infertile couples get pregnant after adoption that get pregnant after stopping treatment without adopting. I tried explaining that it wouldn't be happening in our case. After one nosy neighbor kept insisting that I would be pregnant before the year was out, I told her that I had a hysterectomy and it would be difficult to get pregnant without a uterus. I don't have a hysterectomy, but it sure shut her up and I don't have to listen to it anymore.

Peggy

[bichonlover]

We have also had to deal with comments, but they're alittle different: People will say," he's too cute to be your child. If you'd had one, he'd be ugly like you (talking to my wife and myself)". I try not to fly off the handle b/c I know they're not serious, but I know how much it hurts us. I try to remind myself that we adopted to help out a child, not worry about his looks. These are also the same people who "ragged" us b/c we couldn't have a child naturally. One of the men who makes these comments really shouldn't make comments (IMO) b/c his child, at 1 yr, is already obese and has many health issues. Hang in there b/c ignorant people will always make comments, but we have to remember why we adopted and that child/ren means the world to us, no matter his/her looks!

Keep Smiling!!!!
j.toddford

[wanttobeparents]

People will say," he's too cute to be your child. If you'd had one, he'd be ugly like you (talking to my wife and myself)".

And the response to that is:

There is external ugliness, and there is internal ugliness. Personally, I'd rather be ugly outside than ugly inside.

Kidding or not, there is no excuse for extreme rudeness like that.

Peggy

[bichonlover]

I totally agree with you. we also don't want our 19-mnth old growing up hearing comments like that. He'll think it's ok to do and it's not. also, i don't want his self-esteem dropping b/c he hears people putting down his parents and him thinking that includes him. He's a bright, full-of life little boy who is the world to my wife and I. We want him to grow up and be whatever he wants and conquer the world, if he so desires. Ignorant people aren't going to bring him down!!!!

Keep Smiling!
-jtoddford

[Just Julie]

I wouldn't get too uptight about the comment "now that you are adopting, you are sure to get pregnat again!!". It was probably just an offhand comment like saying it is sure to rain now that you have washed your car.

As for the "ugly" comment, if you make light of it, as dreadful as it is, your stress won't rise and you may still help the grandmother see how insensitive her comment was. However, I would be inclined to confront directly someone who is not a family member with a response like, "What should we do if the child looks like you?" It makes the point without stabbing back, especially if said with a chuckle.

A friend of mine has two daughters who as toddlers looked about as different as possible, one a blond with a fair complexion and the other black ringlets with an olive complexion. When asked if they had the same father, she paused and then replied, "Gee, I don't remember!" and went home laughing inside instead of tense and angry.

I wish I was that quick and clever!

[Sidswife]

Thanks to all of you with the great replies! I told my mom what was said today and she made the same comment of "why didn't her (Grandma's) mom send her back?" I had to laugh at my mom, she always thinks of some pretty good ones. I have to say that I am usually quick on my toes with smart remarks, however, I had the respect thing going on and her age intimidated me.

However, my husband's father asked what are we going to do if she ( the baby) ends up being short. ( which is likely, the birthmom is 5'4") I told him he is short so he has no room to talk! I do not think that he was being intentionally rude, he is adopted himself! My husband and I are both very tall, I figured he just thought that it would make for a funny family photo.

Anyhoo, I do not care if this baby comes with green hair and black toenails... it will just be eaiser for her when she is trying to fit in as a teenager!

Thanks again for the cool thoughts. Hope to get my arsenal of comebacks full! Keep em' coming!
M

[HappyMom29]

Face it --us humans can be an insenstive lot at times. Can't believe your grandmother said that!! I think you are handling it just fine.

We are matched and waiting for our child --due Aug 31. I've already gotten the "you know, you'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt" speach already. And from people who know how LONG and how much IF tx we went thru all these years!! Give it a rest.

Our families --incl my great grandfather (age 92) couldn't be happier --their only wish -- that the child be HEALTHY --not what it looks like.

Hang in there. Your child will be the most beautiful child you've ever seen!

[dl]

Sometimes people from previous generations have really ill conceived stereotypes. I'm not offering this as an excuse, but simply as an explanation for their ignorance. My paternal agrandmother was not at all pleased with my parents decision to adopt me. She was from the "old school" and made the comment that "you never know how someone else's child will turn out". My parents tried to change her attitude but throughout her life and my life she chose to distance herself from me. My parents did not put value on her negative attitude although it did upset them. As I grew to an adult, I simply accepted that it was based on her ignorance. It was her loss. At her funeral, none of her "real" grandchildren even showed up. I was there out of respect that she was my father's mother and out of consideration and respect for my father.

It's sad, but some people do not have the capacity for unconditional love. Fortunately my parents did. Also, fortunately the rest of my extended family did not share her narrow-minded attitude or make similar ignorant remarks.

My opinion is to let everyone know that you will not tolerate rude and cruel remarks in reference to your child. If they cannot adjust their attitude then they will not be part of your and your child's life.

[Kellster]

When people make insensitive remarks, I just try to tell myself that it is usually out of ignorance, not malice. The first time I miscarried, my husband and I bought a tiny Yorkshire Terrier to cheer ourselves up. At a family gathering the following week, we showed a picture of our new puppy to my grandmother who quickly retorted, " I'd rather you be showing me a picture of something else" -i.e. a baby- as if we would not have preferred that ourselves!!!!! Did she think I was happy to have lost the baby so I could get a puppy??? I left as quickly as possible and burst into tears as soon as I got back into the car. My husband was furious. I am sure that she did not say it to hurt me, but I could not believe she had actually said that. Some people are not mean, they just don't think before they talk.

[stacyone]

My favorite is (in response to info that M's bmother has two other sons that she's parenting) "Doesn't she know how this happens?" Like having sex is a crime.

The worst so far, bar none, was a guy at work who asked "are they going to fix her now?" (referring to M's birthmother after her birth). I responded, "Who is 'they'? Last I knew this was still America."

People are just ignorant. I guess we're all doing our part to re-educate the world, but it does get tiresome, doesn't it?

[melianncrav]

In response to the ugly comment,a stitution like this happen recntly to a friend of mine. Her mother-in-law commented that she sure hopes the a baby will be pretty because all her 'real kids' ( she has 3 yr old twin girls)were ugly babies. My friend smiled sweetly ( that's a leathal weapon) and said "Really, I thought the girls look just like you at birth"!! lol Anyway all children all beautiful to someone .

[SomeBunniesMom]

Most rude comments are not intended to be rude. The person speaking is just not thinking. of course knowing that doesn't make the pain and anger any less intense.

I heard many rude and uneducated comments regarding our pending adoption and adoption in general. I made a mental note of where they came from, who was speaking this way. I tried to "educate" some people by kindly correcting their misinformation. And when I felt it was a lost cause I vowed that I would be careful about who had contact with my children in the future.

Many of the people who had "opinions" had very different things to say after meeting the children. All of the things i had worried about regarding how they would be accepted and whether people would say insensitive things all became non-issues. Now I can not say what comments are made behind our backs, but i can say that nothing has been said to our faces, or within hearing of our children that has offended me since the children have come to live in our family.

I think one of the secrets of success is your own attitudes. I have become less defensive and I find i am not offended nearly as often. When I meet strangers who are curious about my children and phrase their questions in incorrect ways, I try to understand what they really want to know and i rephrase their question correctly, and then give as truthful an answer as i am comfortable sharing. If you project confidence in your choices and shared information, people do see you as knowing what you are speaking about and they do use the information to change their thinking very often. You would be surprised at how far a little information will go in these circumstances.

In the end, I think it is a good choice to simply avoid anyone who can't change their thinking and accept your children for the wonderful and unique blessings that they are. Try to imagine how you would handle a similar comment if it were about your bio child -- If grandma thought your son was ugly, would you invite her to his birthday parties? It's my instinct to exclude anyone who doesn't love my children.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by shirleyville
[I think I would have had a hard time not saying, "I can understand how you feel.....we spent countless hours before our son was born worrying that he might look like YOUSally [/b]

OMG! This needed a spewing warning!
On a more serious note, although you are getting comments now, you'll get more after you adopt. Questions like: Why didn't his/her real Mom want him/her? Didn't she love him/her? I believe that most Birthmothers really did want their children, but because of circumstances in their lives, felt it was best to place the baby. They chose to do this out of love for the child. A very difficult choice for them to make.
JJ