[JanetM]

All,
I am hoping that as adoptive parents you may be able to shed some light on what my birthson's Afather is potentially thinking. In the end it really doesn't matter but I'll admit that I'm puzzling through what he might be thinking. The bfather and I had a visit with our son, our families, and our son's Amom in late February at the adoption agency when our son was five months old. The Afather was unable to attend due to work.

During this visit the Amom told me quite a bit of information about what is going on in their lives. The bfather and I are actually a married couple and there were a lot of reasons due to unresolved past childhood issues that had contributed to our decision to place our son, a completely unplanned pregnancy, for adoption. We have decided to begin trying to conceive another child this Spring since after many months of intense therapy we have found ourselves with a change of heart about parenthood. I just turned 36 so we don't have the luxury of time here.

Prior to the visit I had written the Aparents and explained all of this but explained that we did make the best decision we could based on what we knew about ourselves at the time of our son's birth and we didn't regret making the decision. We told them we thought they were doing a great job, etc, etc.

That said the Amom revealed that the Afather is very upset about the fact that we are planning on trying to conceive again. She told me that he said "What if she doesn't get pregnant right away?" So what is he thinking? Why would he be upset? Does he think we might try to abduct our son? What does it matter to him if I get pregnant right away or not?

The adoption agency made a decision after that visit that they felt the Amom had revealed way to much personal information and banned her from contacting us for two months so right now asking her directly is not an option.



Thoughts, ideas?

[DeniseM]

Maybe this man is feeling threatened-although only God knows why. It certainly is none of his business what you do and he really has no right to feel the way he does. I think that the letter you sent them was a wonderful thing to do. How nice it must have been for them to hear that you think they are doing a wonderful job. I wish I would hear that from my little guys other mom. Don't worry about his own insecurities.
I hope everything works out for you and good luck!

[Cleopatrick]

At a guess (and it's only a guess), he's worried you will want the child you placed with them back. My husband is less likely than me to want open aparent/bparents contact.

[JanetM]

Thanks for your responses. I do know that the Aparents are in quite a bit of conflict right now. The Amom would really like to have a more open relationship with us and he is uncomfortable with it. Thats a battle between the two of us, not us but may be contributing to everything.

Another question... Do you as aparents really realize how very few legal rights we Bparents have after we sign our rights away? In my state we have 30 days to change our minds, after that to overturn things would take like a huge effort which we would likely lose anyhow unless the Aparents were actually unfit. At the time of our visit our son was five months old-4 months past the time we could have changed our minds. I mean from what I've read and understand we would have to prove fraud, misrepresentation, etc. Sure theres always the baby Jessica cases but geeze those are so few out there. Truly do you Aparents generally understand this? I mean if most of you do then why this fear of us trying to take back the child? I'm really not trying to be mean or nasty I really and truly am simply trying to understand.

[JanetM]

Correction there... the battle is between the Aparents not between the Aparents and us since we have already told them we're willing to go along with whatever they are comfortable with openness wise.


-J

[Cleopatrick]

It's just insecurity. I'm not saying I agree with it, but I do understand where it comes from. Unlike people that can give birth, infertile couples have to rely on a twist of fate in order to be parents. In addition, you have everyone and their brother asking you if you will ever try to have "a child of your own" or asking you about your child's "real" parents. Sometimes it can feel like everyone thinks you are just borrowing the child for awhile and that can cause some insecurity. I had to work through this when our son was born. I did a better job of it than my husband. I'm guessing (once again, guessing, lol) that this couple is the same way. The amom worked it through and is secure that the child can love both sets of parents, that you are both the real parents, and that you are not going to try and take the child. The adad may not have done that yet. Give him time, he may work it through. No, it's not his business if you have another child, but I really think he's feeling like if you can't get pregnant then you will want theirs back.

[DianeS]

Men can be weird when it comes to fertility issues. They don't think the same way women do about it.

So I asked my husband, and he said the adad could be thinking:
"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll want her son back" (insecurity)
"If she doesn't get pg right away, it will be such a disappointment to her" (security)
"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll want to keep coming to visit this son" (he may assume another child would keep you from wanting to see your first)
"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll never move past the pain of not raising this son" (he may think getting pg would help you emotionally)
"If she doesn't get pg right away, she might blame my boy or his pregnancy for the delay" (secondary infertility isn't that uncommon)
Etc...

And if he and his wife cannot have bio children, he especially could be thinking the same issues that he and his wife went through when they first discovered they were having problems! There's so many possibilities for the second half of that sentence that I'm glad you say it doesn't really matter, because that's probably something he'll never be comfortable telling you.

And JanetM, few aparents are worried about the *legalities* of a birthmom asking to raise the child ...they worry about the emotional aspect of that request. All the bmom has to do is ASK - even though legally the aparent doesn't have to agree, what are they going to do...give up the child they love or tell the child later that "bmom wanted you back but we said no?" EEK!

[dadfor2]

i guess there are so many unanswered questions, but from it seems, the way you have written, you do have an open relationship with the adoptive parents.....

If they adopted your son already, and a social worker is telling them who they can talk too and who they cant.....i find that kinda odd.

but heres a twist.....i have a friend who adopted 2 siblings. Well, 1 yr later, they got a call and a social worker was on the phone and said "hey, she had another baby, how would you feel about adopting their baby sister too, you can pick her up at the hospital". They were thrilled, and picker her up.

We have two kids, boys, ages 5 and 7, they came from an abusive home, with their mother being mentally ill.

As a dad, i can tell you, i am hoping i never get a call like the ones my friends got, the thougt of having another child in our house, dont think i can do it, believe me, the boys keep us going none stop......but we will if we had too, to keep the siblings together

it could be, as i read between the lines, that you had some problems that you went to counseling for, and i dont know any details, but it sounds like it was the reason you gave up your son for adoption.

now they hear you want a baby, he could be thinking "oh god, i dont want another child".....its just a thought.

as men being more insecure, i dont know about that one. i think its too much of a general statement.

i think he may have his own reasons and its really not up to us to decide what his reasons are why he made that statement.

But let me go back, im still having a problem with the social worker telling them not to talk to you anymore.....i think there is a big piece missing from this thread.....call me coo coo, but something sounds fishy here......but then again, im known to read between the lines, i have to do it for a living

dadfor2

[JanetM]

Diane and all,
I do truly thank you for your inputs. I had been able to hide my pregnancy and recently shared with a client of mine that I am a bmom. She and her husband have tried unsucessfully for 11 years to have a child and will begin the process of starting to try to adopt next year. We cried with each other and shared a lot and are going to begin having lunch regularly. Hearing what her experiences have been like in umpteen fertility clinics certainly give me a different perspective on things especially since in fact our son's Aparents spent umpteen years with failed fertility treatments. Understanding where the other side is coming from does help bridge the gap I think between Aparents and Bparents.

That said I guess at a time when I am grieving so much and feel like I have sacrificed so much, I have paid the ultimate sacrifice and to find out that the Afather is afraid of us now seems like the final blow. Like what else do you want me to do? I loved my son enough to know that I couldnt gamble with his life. I didn't want to be a parent at the time of his birth, nor did my husband. We didn't want to take a chance with our son's emotional health raising him under these circumstances. His birth changed us and forced us to deal with some rather serious childhood demons that we were only forced to confront with our son's birth. We know that you don't put pause buttons on children while you get your own act together. We know our son has bonded with his parents. We want the best for our son, always have. Taking him away from them would not be the best thing for our son even attempting to do so would not be the best thing. Our son is the important one. His life is not here to fulfill our own egos and it shouldn't be to fulfill his parents egos. He is not an object, he is a child. My own feelings are irrelevent, always have been, and always will be.

So I say...

If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll want her son back" -tough luck I made the best choice at the time of his birth. I CAN'T have him back so this is irrelevent

"If she doesn't get pg right away, it will be such a disappointment to her"-True. However since our son was a failed vasectomy, my husband has had both a semen analysis done and a physical and we have had the results analyzed by FOUR different doctors and all have said there have been no problems AND I had our son less than a year ago and I visited my OB/GYN in January asking about this very thing, its pretty darned unlikely I've suddenly developed secondary infertility. The aparents KNOW all of this stuff too.
"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll want to keep coming to visit this son" - This is a semi-open adoption with no agreements other than they will provide letters and pictures. The visit was a one time thing.

"If she doesn't get pg right away, she'll never move past the pain of not raising this son"-True this is possible but why do you really care? You are now parents, this is what you always wanted, I have no rights until he is 21 and that is only to search for him. So I don't move past the pain. Who cares. You haven't seen me since September. I am for all practical purposes merely some genetic material and housing for your son for nine months. No more, no less.

(-"If she doesn't get pg right away, she might blame my boy or his pregnancy for the delay" - Given followup doctors appointments neither my husband's urologist nor my OB/GYN are concerned about this.

And JanetM, few aparents are worried about the *legalities* of a birthmom asking to raise the child ...they worry about the emotional aspect of that request. All the bmom has to do is ASK - even though legally the aparent doesn't have to agree, what are they going to do...give up the child they love or tell the child later that "bmom wanted you back but we said no?" EEK!- Okay I do understand this. I have bent over backwards to reassure them we have no regrets. I feel like I can do more.

Truthfully I am at the point that when we DO get pregnant I really feel like withholding this information from the Aparents until/unless they specifically ask. I know the Amom would love to know when it does happen so in this mean spiteful way I'd like to withold the info to hurt the Afather.



Thanks all for listening to this little tirade. I appreciate it. i do know you guys go through pains I'll hopefully never know to become parents.



Peace,


JanetM

[dadfor2]

heres a thought for you to think about...

why would you withhold your info from your childs aparents if you have a relationship with them, it sounds like you trusted them enough to tell them of your plans, amom was happy and afather was not.

its not your issue, its the afathers issue. by witholding this information from the amom, its just causing more hurt.

dont forget, they are the legal parents of your son. I dont think you should start burning bridges. Try to handle it as an adult, even if the afather, for what ever reason, may feel insecure, again, thats his problem and not yours...time heals.....the one who will get hurt in the end might be your son by never seeing you again, it could start to get ugly. I guess i would suggest you try to understand the afathers insecurities and then try move on from there.

just a suggestion
dadfor2

[DianeS]

JanetM,

Why do you think your feelings should be irrelevant to your son's parents? I've never even met you, yet I find myself hoping things for you like happiness and success in your family-building plans. I would hope that family cares about you even more than the little bit I care.

And if this is all about your son, how is not allowing him to know he has a sibling (when that time comes) good for him?

[JanetM]

Guys you are right. I'm kinda yelling here because I cannot tell these things directly to the Afather right now which is frustrating. I love my son more than life itself and discovering that I wanted to be a parent only AFTER his birth has been such a life altering event that words can never describe.

I do truly adore my sons parents, particularly his Mom. When we had our visit in February we hugged each other and cried. She told me that she thinks of me every day. She has sent tons of pictures and videos. She told me during that visit that (hopefully hopefully-knock on wood) that when the day comes she would love to come to the hospital with our son to see his new brother or sister. I would never ever do anything ever to harm our son and that includes withholding any information. Right now I guess I'm just at the stage of grieving where I'm dealing with a lot of anger.


Thanks so much for letting me vent. I truly appreciate your insights and you have given me some ideas from where the Afather might be coming from.


Lets just say that Mothers Day weekend will be our first shot at trying for #2-cross your fingers for me.


Peace,



Janet

[dadfor2]

good luck janet....im sure everything will work out the way its suppose to....give the Afather time.....

god bless
dadfor2

[JanetM]

Reading back a couple of posts now I will answer some questions posed but I ignored...


My problems as to why I felt the way I did.... How about having nightmares for 10 years of your adult life in the middle of the night dreaming you were pregnant and your life was over?

How about only having those dreams stop after your husband, who felt as admantly as you did, stop when he had a vasectomy?

How about finding yourself 27 weeks pregnant with a failed vasectomy?

How about being TERRIFIED that you would pass along to another generation the emotional ramificaitons of being a parent when you did not want to be a parent the emotional distancing you recieved as the oldest daughter of a father who did not want to parent daughters?

How about realizing after your son's birth and falling hopelessly in love with your child the ramications of the fact that you had never dealth with many of the impacts of your father's suicide when you were sixteen which was as a result of financial problems due to the birth of a third, wanted boy child?

I have faced an adoption agency that I realize only after that last visit when he was five months old believed I had cheated on my husband. I am thoroughly disgusted. My husband was tested this Fall and he does have a normal count and HAS been examined, and he is in fact one of 500 men anually that have failed vasectomies. Want more proof? I will happily give you his urologists name and phone number. I am not making one thing up and have birth, death, and lab certificates to back things up. So I needed therapy after all of this? Do forgive me, I have been through a lot of therapy but frankly I think I'm pretty sane having dealt with all of this.


That said, if there are other questions regarding my potential mental health feel free to ask me. I will very happily give you any info you want.


-Janet

[Support2Adopt]

Good lick in getting pregnant Janet! I hope you are blessed with a beautiful, healthy, baby. In regards to the Afather, I wonder if he's still dealing with some unresolved infretility issues. Let me explain further. Seeing you may remind him that they were unable to biologically concieve and perhaps he is dealing with feelings of failure over this. Now, I have a problem with the agency banning the Amother from contacting you for two months. Where does this leave you? Were you considered in this decision because that means for two months, you are unable to get any updates on the baby you placed? JJ